Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me or Marry Me... and Yes, I'm Giving Up Dating

I suck at dating. I mean I really suck. I keep showing up as my authentic self and nobody digs it. 

I show up open and honest and that's not how it goes.... That not how any of this goes.

Date after date, I get the same Dear Babz, I like you BUT....  I am baffled. I am perplexed. I am 52! I am not 22, or 32 or 42! I can't play coy. I can't play stupid. I can't keep smiling and nodding and being dim. What the fuck! I have a life. I am doing shit. I have projects. Why is that a problem? 

Last night a Brother told me: I think you are amazing... Pretty... No outright beautiful... You are smart... Witty and sexy as hell. But I can't be in your shadow. I'm being straight up honest. We could be friends though. Now mind you we've gone out, we've had long deep conversations. We flirted, we kissed (not the best kiss, but enough to work on it).

I said OK and hung up. And then I cried and cried. Now I know he did me a favor. I know he is full of shit. I know he doesn't deserve me. I know all the intellectual stuff. But still... It's like being the last kid picked for kickball.... and honestly I wasn't that kid ever.  

So here's my list of why any guy shouldn't date me in no particular order of importance:

1. I like to kiss a lot

2. I have a big laugh that's deep and throaty and husky

3. I wake up happy and more than likely will want to have sex

4. I can cook... like a BOSS, Oh and I can pair wine with a meal with ease.

5. My musical tastes is off the chain... From old skool R&B to independent Hip-Hop

6. Jazz is my first LOVE

7. I am learning to speak FRENCH... have you ever had french words whispered in your ear while you are thrusting deeply?

8. I like to be alone... Without you.

9. I have solid friends who like to kick it with me and will read your ass if you try to interrupt our flow

10. I have kids who require my full attention

11. I will often speak in movie dialogue... The Godfather, Good Fellas, Friday, Friday after Next, Oh the list is long and varied

12. I am not always going to be GLAMMED UP... meaning I am more apt to be in a big t-shirt and granny panties than thongs, and garters

13. I love football...Get me a beer and be quiet.

14. When I'm working, I'm working

15. I like to shop alone.

16. Have your own hobbies... I'm not your entertainment

17. I read a lot. If you don't then know you are about to be kicked to the curb

18. I'm not checking your cellphone, your email, or social media accounts

19. I don't do baby-mama drama, ex-wife drama, drama of any sort.

20. When we are out don't take it personal if I don't introduce you... It is purely about me not remembering other people... Introduce yourself and be OK if I leave you alone.

Here's my new thing.... I am giving up dating. I am taking down all my dating profiles, I am telling all my dear friends to stop looking on my behalf. I am DONE!

It's not worth it to me anymore. I am tired. I am disilussioned and weary. So, I'm out the game! That's it. That's it. I live a full life already. My attention is required on other matters. This can't be a focus anymore. 

Every and All Blaxploitation films

My Blogging Life: I'm The Audience

I blog to stay healed.

When I started blogging I was broken into a million tiny pieces. I was worse off than Humpty Dunpty. I had fallen so far down in my life getting up was a foreign concept.... Check my archives... I do periodically, to remind myself of just how far I've come. Blogging helped me save myself. From that very first send, I was hooked. I wasn't interested if anyone would find me. I was finding me. Each day I just poured my heart out. Sometimes I was drunk as hell. Sometimes I was typing through a monsoon of tears. And some days there was just enough sunlight to make me smile for a few moments and I could write about that.... Little bits of joy that started slipping in.

I found a community of folks who were just blogging and slogging... making their way and I joined them. I met folks who are my friends right this very minute. Folks I went to see. Folks who came to see me. Folks who I meet up with every other year. They have become apart of my life. They give me back to myself in countless unimaginable ways. They hold me up and hold me down.

I never thought to make a living doing this. I never thought I wanted a huge audience. I just wanted a place to share. I really believe I am talking to the universe in prayer. Each blog post is its own prayer for better or for worse. I'm not talking to anyone except myself and God.  So while I know some very famous bloggers who are doing their life's work, it is my joy to cheer them on. I am not one of them in that regard. I love being a blogger. I love this medium. I love how we connect and share and stay up with each other. When I drop by someone's blog it really does feel like I am visiting them at home. I can sit down and read a bit and connect with their life though what they share. I can leave a comment, ask a question or just keep on moving silently with reverence for their story.

I'm the audience of my blog. So, I am always pleasantly surprised when someone leaves a comment or emails me their thoughts. It still blows me away that folks feel my blog has some value and that something I said helped them on their journey. That is always an unexpected pleasure and gift.

I have no idea if and when this all will come to an end. Maybe I'll just stop just as I started. Maybe a new blog? Maybe something else. Oh I don't know. I do know, that blogging saved my life time and time again. That's it.

Desire Over Reistance: This Writing Life or How I am Moving Into 2015

My Fairy Godmother/WritingCoach/Famous Author/Mentor in our conversation a few days ago, said, "your desire for what you want has to be greater than your resistance for going to get it" This stuck with me. Like a seed planted it just started to grow inside me. Now this is not news or a newsflash. I know this. And yet I just brushed by it. l was always chopping it up to folks just don't understand what I got on my plate What I am going through. And so I would remain stuck with my dreams deferred. I see it all through out my life. The success I've had were because I desired it more than the resistance in going after it. Like Graduate school or great jobs, or other projects.

But somehow I haven't made that leap with other things I desire.... I can see where the resistance has a greater hold. I truly did not want to put in the effort to accomplish my dreams. I wasn't committed to the effort needed for the long haul. That's the truth telling. I wanted results/success/accomplishment with minimum effort. I allowed excuses to be the driver of all things. Even when I felt like shit doing it, I still allowed the excuses to drive me. I KNOW BETTER. But the desires weren't greater than the resistance. I like the fairy tale but was not ready to shift into the reality of the work. Happiness, love, joy, peace, success, purpose, all require a real willingness to go the distance. I have to put myself in the place of allowing these things.... my desires to manifest. I gotta do the work.I am no stranger to work... I am no stranger to determination. I know what hard work can produce. I've experienced it all through out my life.

It also means quit letting people, places and things derail you. My Fairy Godmother/Writing-Coach/Famous Author/Mentor also  said to be mindful of who you share you dreams with... there are folks who are dream killers and dream deferrers. People who are small...think small... live small, dream small and cannot support your big dreams! They will never be able to see what you see. They will only hold you to their smallness. Small people live in excuses in their own lives... holding onto mess and staying trapped in foolishness. They ask why you want to do that? Rather than say how can I help? This last ridiculous mess of a relationship I was in was just this...a dream deferrer. People who have nothing cannot offer you anything other than more nothingness. Especially if everything out of their mouths is criticism, and dream killing. It's like Dorothy getting caught up in the fields of poppies, except there was no pleasure. I have been here before. Different cast...same distractions.

I do not wish to lament the sameness... the going back for more where there is only less. For 2015 my goal will be to layout my desires. To be about the desires of my being.  I am a writer... I desire to write. So write I will. I will deal with the resistance with a structure and a plan. Yes a plan of action.