Friday, January 27, 2012

Faith Forward Friday: I am Where I am Supposed to Be

Sometimes you just have to trust that the way to go is just the way you are going.  I am less and less concerned these days about my path.  I am where I am supposed to be and even if it's painful, there is a lesson in that pain. Life's lessons always teach us what we need for the journey ahead.  And when I say the journey ahead, I don't mean far down the road.  I mean the steps just in front of us. 

When I find myself consumed with an issue I have a moment of understanding that if I just let it go.....  and then I do.  I release the terror that grips me.  The fear has become larger than life and I have allowed it to dictate my actions.  Fear will make you stay when you ought to haul ass.  Fear will make you see lack where really there is abundance.  I used to believe I struggled with my fears, but really I was starting the process of naming them and recognizing them. When fear shows up I know what I am dealing with.  I am not wondering what's this?  I know it, I have named it...labeled it.

I am easing into my life these days with less thoughts on what I should be doing and more emphasis on what I am doing.  I am turning down the outside voices of expectations,  neediness, control, and other folks rules for my life. I am giving up being desperate for affection, love, time, money, sex, friendship, family.  Maybe I am feeling my birthday coming... 49 and I want things to go differently for the next 50 years.  I keep hearing Joni Mitchell in my head:  

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

I've posted this song.  It's one of my favorites.  You really can't appreciate it until you have done some living.  I think being on the eve of 50 gives me grace and permission to sing it, appreciate it and carry it with me. I don't have any answers for my life at the moment. I do well to put one foot in front of the other.  I am glad to do that!  That's the blessing... being glad that I can put one foot in front of the other and move up down, around, back and forth.

I am where I am supposed to be.  I am where I am supposed to be.   Pain and joy and love are all there for me to be enriched and to grow.  Joni Mitchell got it right:

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Weekend of Solitude...A Silent Retreat

I knew the moment the silent retreat was introduced to me that I would be drawn to it.  I knew that somewhere in my soul I would welcome the need for solitude…silence. 

I went to bed Thursday night thinking and believing I would ease into Friday quietly and peaceably in preparation for Friday evening.  Boy was I wrong! The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry….  Everything that could have gone wrong did!  Getting my son to his program late, because I left work later than I wanted to because I had a big project that needed my full attention. So I rushed to pick up my daughter and her after-school plans changed, so that in turn changed everything.

Finally I arrived, ready for the silence to begin.  I was ready to stop and throw down my bags and be still. I did just that. Seascape is a stunning house with majestic views of the ocean.  It takes your breath away each time you walk in.  I never once got tired of looking out to sea. 

The question was asked at the beginning of the retreat: What is the grace I need and long for? I answered: to find stillness in my everyday practical life.  And so I began the retreat deliberately seeking stillness and a way in which I could add this to my life every day.  It is amazing what can happen when you take your hearts desires to prayer and shut up so God can answer them.  Learning that was divine gift #1.

Divine gift #2 was walking on the beach listening to the waves crashing up against the snow.  God was talking:  Toss your fears into the sea. The way to true love is to toss away your fears.  Toss your fears into the sea. And just like that I began calling out my fears and letting them fall into the sea.  How liberating.  How divine.  I took this experience into my 2nd spiritual direction time with Maria.  The 1st session was all about finding true love in all things not just romantic.  I can’t begin to tell you how joyful it was to have that prayer answered.  The way to true love is to let go of fear.  I asked it in prayer and God answered it. That is the joy, beauty and holiness of silence. 

Sunday, January 15, 2012

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DR. KING: Sweet Honey In The Rock - Eye On The Prize

I took my children to see Sweet Honey In The Rock this afternoon. It was Yale University's Martin Luther King, Jr. Commemorative event at Woosley Hall AND it was FREE!

We were mesmerized! My children are still talking and still singing about the music and the women. They loved. I loved it.

Happy Birthday Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Liebster Award... I GOT IT! Thanks Lin!

Apparently the German suffix Lieb means “Beloved or Favorite”… When people find favor in what you do, and it speaks to them, that’s a very rewarding compliment.

One of my favorite Brother blogger is Lin Ross, of Moanerplicities passed this award my way with one of the nicest sentiments I have heard in a very long time!  Lin is a "real" writer...a true wordsmith.  I have such a huge crush on his blog, it's all dark and jazzy and sensuous.  Hanging at his blog always makes me feel like I have fallen into a seductive universe where a snifter of cognac is the preferred drink!

So I must pay it forward and give it to 5 other bloggers I dig. I love these women, they write me whole, sane and safe.

Miz's Write For Life  This sister's blog was one of the first blogs I started following. We have shared a great many things over the years.  I met her in person several years ago in the ATL and she is stunningly beautiful!  She writes with a beautiful hand.  I am always moved by her talent.  she penned a poem for my birthday.. Love in Transition a few years ago, that I treasure still!

NuVision for a NuDay is another blog by a Sister who I have been following since the beginning of my blogging life.  She is blind and shares her triumphs and heartbreaks on a regular basis. I am always inspired!

Princess TinyButt of the Ity Bity Tity Committee Angela is an amazing mother, wife, sister, friend!.  She is one of the loves of my life.  I found her blog several years ago.  She was blogging about her husband taking her to Paris and hating it but got there and made a great effort for her and ended up loving it.  I fell head over heels in love with her and her husband and have been following their love story ever since.  She is very sick with a myraid of life threatening diseases and yet she merrily troops through cooking, baking and taking care of her family.  I love her so.

Thoughts From The Quiet Storm ...KayC.  She is my sister for sure!  We have supported each others blog for several years now. Often we have struggled and pushed through some of the same issues in our loves and in loveships. She is an artist with so many talents I remain in awe.

 Whose shoes are these anyway? So, one day you look down and see your feet in shoes you don't recognize. Maybe you like them, maybe you don't. This is where life begins. Welcome to WSATA, where the Goddess returns.   
You can tell just by her tag line why I dig her!  
She is brilliantly smart and witty and writes from a place I can only dream about. 
She tackles all kinds of issues beautifully.  
She is a poet and for that alone I hang on her every word.


Monday, January 9, 2012


Today is one of those days that you wish you could do over.  I didn't work out this morning.  I let the chimes sound at 5:45am.  I got up and turned them off and got back into the bed.  After I dropped the kids off at school I could have worked out at 8:00am.  I got back in the bed for another 90 minutes. I felt guilty and did not enjoy the rest.

I am grasping for motivation.

This afternoon I picked up my daughter and her friend from school, I have a couple of hours before I have to pick up the other three beans.  Someone hits my car.  I felt all alone.  I called my Ex and let him know.  He did  not offer to come and...insert my fantasy (handle it, take care of it.) I felt alone.  No one was hurt.  I just wanted to have someone be there. Or at least call.  My Sister Lo reminded me that I have a wonderful village of folks to call who could be there within minutes.  I had forgotten.  I was wallowing in a lie that I had created in my own mind to feed my self-pity.  Damn.

I am grasping for motivation. I am in that place where I know I have to dig deep to find the grace to push on.  I am in a funky mood. I'd like to think this is when I am at the break through!  Where my ship sails in.

I am not going to beat myself up any more.  I am going to get a good night sleep and start again tomorrow morning...God willing.

The thing about grasping for motivation is that I recognize it.  I know what this is and I am not afraid to allow it to pass through me.  I am only going to let it pass through, it is not staying for an extended period of time. I am done wrestling with emotions and depression and moods.  I have long since decided to revere all my emotions, give them room to be and then allow them to drift out, the same way they drifted in.  I am not giving them more power by hosting a parade and allowing them a grander status.  Depression does not need a suite in my temple; it can however have a corner in the basement.

The work of self care is ongoing, requiring me to tend to myself as a priority. I must be my priority!  It is so easy to get worked up into wishing someone else would come in and rescue me.  I know better. The fantasy is too much in my bones and psyche.  I am surely no damsel in distress.  So there is something else at work here ( another post in the making).

I am acknowledging the fact that today I am grasping for motivation.  Just today.  Tomorrow will be decidedly different.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Inviting Myself To Love

I am inviting myself to love. 

This is the moment that I invite myself to love.  There are no more excuses.  I have grown a great deal since Mr. Love left and moved to Baltimore.  I have wrapped myself in my truth and re-examined my past with a fine tooth comb.  It is time to let the ghosts go.

What I used to know and believe about love has shifted.  It is not about what someone else does.  It is what I am willing to do that defines the depth of my love.  I have to give what I need. I have to be what I want.  These are not empty sayings used to keep us all pseudo-spiritually in tuned. This is the God's honest truth! As long as I stay focused on what I need someone to bring to my life, I will always be waiting for the fantasy love...the ghost love...the unrealistic-but-it-works-in-the-movies love.

I have been the barrier to the very thing I said I wanted and when it (He) showed up I did everything in my power to reject him.  I waxed poetic on my blog about his short-comings and failings.  I whined about his inconsiderate behavior. I went on and on, about what he lacked, what he didn't bring to the table, what he didn't have.  I was a shrew and I lost sight of what was important.  He loved me and offered all he had, and laid himself at my feet. I only saw lack, and not good enough.  I climbed so high up on my mountain, that I had forgotten what the climb cost me.  I was more than selfish.... I was unreasonable.

It is a new year and I am answering my long asked question of who am I and what do I want?

I am going to get my Man back.  Bring him back with a new sense of purpose, direction and commitment. I am coming in from  the cold.  I throwing my arms wide open and I am letting love flood my inner and outer being.  I know what I am doing.  I know who I am and I know what I want! 

I have spent time alone looking at my life in totality.  I have gone around and dated and chatted and flirted.  Everything leads back to him and the life we could build together.  We have both grown.  We have both been right and wrong. 

I am inviting myself to love this year, right now.  No fear. No hesitations. No reservations.  Full steam ahead. Focused. Determined. Joyous.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Phoebe Snow - "Something Real (Original Version)"

I posted this a few years ago, but I swear it begs to be re-posted! This is my 2012 mantra. I am not playing, or settling, or accepting anything less than divine, soul-stirring, righteous LOVE!

Tell me what you're feeling and what it all means.
You could be defensive or open up and share your dreams.
You can keep right on denying or face me and start crying.
'cause this time, when I reach out, it may be my last try.
Ooohh baby, I want something real one time before I die.

We'll cry until it's funny, baby. And laugh our selves to tears, yeah.
If you're frightened honey, I'll hold you through your fears.
You see, I've had some bad relationships already and
I've fooled around goin' steady
But this time when I reach out, it may be my last try.
Help me, help me, baby, I want something real from you baby.
I want something that, I don't have to stay alive
I want something real one time before I die.

We can make love all night until sky catches fire.
Keep talking for hours, I'll never get tired.
Don't want you to lie, but you're such a beautiful liar.

You see, I want something real from you baby.
I want something that I don't have, to stay alive
I want something that I can really feel.
Something that I can't conceal
I want something real one time before I die
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