The Write Tribe Festival of Words. Day 1: Memory

The Write Tribe Festival of Words. This is an exciting blogging event from December 8th to December 14, 2013

I"m doing it!  Today is day 1: Memory/Memories

No matter what is happening to me or around the world, this time of year always makes me happy.  It's so corny I know, but the world could use more corny and a lot less reality.

When I was a kid... the oldest of 4, my mom and her three sisters would start the daily calls of recipe swaping, Christmas gift buying, who saw what specialty item where.  Our house was filled with the busyness of noise, Motown Christmas music and us running through the house trying to listen in on "grown folks" conversations.

Listening in... ear hustling was the only way we could find out what was happening with my mother and her sisters.  My Mother was an old school Black woman... kids were not allowed to mix in with adults uninvited.  Meaning you better take your butt out of ear shot or catch some punishment.  But still we tried.

From Christmas to New Year's I can feel myself looking to recreate some of that youthful Christmas magic for my own kids, or maybe for my own self.  The truth is somewhere in the middle.

The smell of sweet potato pies, turkey, biscuits, potato salad, collard greens. God, I can still smell all of that feast. My happiest times for sure.  These gatherings anchored me, they were dependable and uplifting.

When I went off to college, the highlight was coming home at Christmas.  It was the time I renewed my spirit and eat with real joy!  My Brothers and Sister and I still laugh about our childhood holidays.  It is amazing to have those memories in the face of such great trauma and pain and sadness. We grew up with abuse and it has stayed with each of us.  Christmas however, mellows out that mess allowing us to enjoy the gifts of Christmas.  And as I get older the gifts become more apparent with each passing year.  I'm still here.  I have children of my own. My life is pretty damn good.

It is my wish that my children will look back on our holidays and have equally fond memories.  I hope their  memories are restorative, warming and joyous. I hope their memories will wrap around them like a old blanket and old friends.  Long after I leave this physical realm, I pray that the memories we are making as we speak carries them through their loves bringing a real sense of home and connectedness.

I love this time of year.  My memories swirl around like fancy dancers, inviting me to join in.

I do.

Run Because...

FEAR Costs

We do indeed get what we ask for.  The problem is so few are ready for it. (This is always about me and my bullshit)

As I look over my life in this moment, everything I've ever longed for I have.  Beautiful children, a  very beautiful man who LOVES me. A career path that is setting me up for my life's work. Strong family and amazing friends far and wide.

There is a realization that I am stepping into my destiny.

I am not prepared for the longings of my heart. And herein lies the long held secret....

I am allowing fear to have a bigger say in my destiny.

I am succumbing to the bullshit of fear and I feel like I am standing across the street watching my life disintegrate.  By my own hands I am destroying the very things I said I wanted.  It is gripping and nauseating all at once.  I see myself after the fact.... mean words, evil tempered, indifferent. I process this mess after the fact, after I torched the village.  After I have swung the machete and cut down those that I love to shreds.  And after a good period of time my cooler head shows up, I realized the destruction. This isn't how I want to live or be, or exist.

Now I am not suggesting that I eat shit and roll over. I gotta have some say.  I gotta be able to convey my thoughts and feelings.  I am talking about the delivery, not silencing the message. The delivery is destructive.  The ego is the problem. The resistance to submission of what is right and true and good and in God's favor.

This a depth I haven't been willing to reach.  And yet I have no choice but to keep on excavating because I want MORE! And whatever the cost of freedom and broad sweeping, grand love calls for a kind of fearlessness that I never thought I could get to.  Yet, here I am digging for more.

So afraid, so tired and so wanting the life of my dreams. I am understanding the need for prayer... I am not asking for miracles, although that would be fine.  What I want is greater ability to go deeper. What I want is less focus on my personal bullshit and more extending myself on the behalf of someone else.  But not as a doormat and silly foolish woman. A woman with guts and courage, who recognizes bullshit and fake fuckery.  But this isn't that. This isn't even close to that kind of bullshit.  This is about someone meeting me more than halfway with their heart on a platter... no secrets, no illusions, no games. Real transparency and honesty and vulnerability. This kind of maturity takes my breath away every day.

What I want is to open myself to true love, not the princess fairy-tale shit that asks nothing... gives nothing and everything is hinged on a damn kiss. I want a love that says I see you and all your bullshit and yet I want to be with you, near you, in you. A love that leaps and soars and gives until it hurts beyond measure. The kind of love that just is.

Fear costs. I thought I was done.  Debt paid.  What I am learning is that fear doesn't just leave you alone... like a persistent debt collector, it keeps at you.  With fear the debt can never be paid.  The key is understanding that I have the power to stamp myself debt free. I HAVE THE POWER!

Tomorrow is a new day.  A new opportunity to choose love over fear.  Love over fear regardless of what gifts fear comes bearing.  And make no mistake fear comes with gifts otherwise why the fuck do I keep entertaining and inviting fear into my sacred spaces? Fear costs and I've been paying for so long, I feel guilty letting go. There is something to be said about holding onto pain.  It is self-serving, even if I refuse to own that.

We get what we want and often we are unprepared for the actual getting of our heart's desires.

The grace is knowing that and divinely seeking to change that mindset. I am.

I am.

Temporary. SShhh I Need Peace & Quiet

Love calls me to try.  And Try. And try again.

Love calls me to surrender... not my beliefs, or my hard earned confidence.

Love calls me to lay down my "I" for the "We"

The fear of that is almost crippling.  It isn't about trust so much as it is about the uncertainty of someone else having that kind of power over my well-being.  Even if that someone is someonr I've know a lifetime.

I want to be cared for and taken care of.  I want to be thought of first.  I want to be loved beyond measure.

I can indeed care and take care of someone's heart and soul.  I can indeed put someone else first.  I can love beyond measure.

I am walking in the quiet spaces of my life at the moment.  There is no energy for argument or well made points. I can't see another side to shit right now. I can't even talk about what my feelings are.  This is real relationship fatigue.  I need quiet.  I am not running away or denying there isn't more to say.  Just right now, I need wide open spaces.  Hang in if you can, or make your way in the world without me.  I just can't talk about you and me.

I love you for my life, you are a friend of mine.... Donnie Hathaway.  Give me the room, space and distance I need to grow, and come back more ready.  Today and tomorrow, I can't open up for you.  and no, I don't want to have you open up to me.

Temporary.  It is all temporary.
SShhh.  I need Peace. Quiet.

The world is too loud and your added frustrations make the world even louder. This is not a breaking up of any sort.  It is about moving in an Entirely New Direction... E.N.D.

I am not gone.  I am right here in the day-to-day with you, distracted, present, loving, mean, afraid, courageous.  The ebb and flow of life and the routines that keeps us all sane, grounded and safe.

Temporary.

I Remember Myself

I just can't keep talking about "Our Plan for Our Life"  I just can't stand hearing how I am once again not doing my part... more... less...  I just can't stand in the harsh light of ongoing criticism.

DO YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING WORKING? ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME, US, MY KIDS?

Resentment is creeping in.  Weariness is creeping in.  Falling out of love, but always loved shows up.  I daydream of love that sweeps me up and takes my breath away.  A love that doesn't care too much for order and disarray.  I want to hear I'm doing a good job.  That I am raising  fine children.  This sounds like I've let doubt in.  How is that possible? I despise women who sell out for a man's affection/approval/acknowledgement. I hate the way my kids look at me after an argument with the Potential Mr. Babz... like I'm selling out... weak... brow beaten. If they see me defeated in my spirit it sends the message that I have no voice.  I see it and it makes me ashamed. This is not who I am.

So I've retreated deep into my heart.  I just can't talk anymore about an Us that does not exist.  If I hear "30 days of consistent effort" I will scream so loud the heavens will think Christ is ready to reveal he has returned.

I want a different life. And I cannot be manipulated into a different sort of life of routine and mundane chores and order.  I want disorder bordering on chaos.  I want art supplies all over the place so if the mood strikes we could create something... anything that strikes our fancy!  I want a home that invites the artists and the intellects together! I want a spiritually grounded space, with incense and jazz.  I want a wine collection. I want cut flowers in every room! I want vibrancy and provocative talk at dinner and lots and lots and lots of laughter!

I want a Christmas tree in my bedroom this year!  Hell, I want a tree in every room!

I want sheer JOY!  You can't get that through constant unrelenting whining about mundane shit.  I am relationship fatigued.

I am remembering who I am.  I am reconnecting to my badd ass self.  I remember myself.  The woman who was.. is fearless and talkative and bold.  The plan for my life is no plan at all.  I want my children to know that and understand that. Life is short.  I want them to have enough of a plan so they're never homeless, or hungry or doubting your ability to do anything at all. But be disciplined in your dreams. Work for your dreams.  Hustle for your dreams and don't let anyone tell you No, or you can't or that you can't achieve your dreams.

I am remembering myself. Conqueror. Woman of many talents. The conversation has to be different, the tone, content, and energy has to be different. I have to be able to come to the discussion from abundance and not lack.  I can't ever stand in the space of lack.  I lack nothing... not courage, not common sense, not willpower, not focus, not discipline, not intellect, not hope, not love.  I lack nothing.  God has equipped me with tools beyond measure.  I am remembering who I am.

I am remembering who I am.  I am OK taking this life's journey alone... God always has my back.

Where I'm At

Trying to do my best to be in this life.  To move through the world with a modicum of self respect and dignity.
People will hurt you if you let them.  The trick is to care more about what I say and believe than what they say and believe.

I do think I am on the right path.  I find joy and passion in my everyday practical life.  But I find I need a great deal of motivational talk.  I gotta stay filled with all the good and divine stuff otherwise I am seduced by the dark under current of lack and worthlessness.

I am coming from under my own funk. This is fighting back!

On The Eve of Intentional Transformation...

Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds.  It is a romantic notion to think of summoning up courage and pushing forward.  I am by nature a romantic... so says my bff Ron. He thinks I am a hopeless romantic and admires the fact that I see the world  through rose colored glasses. I don't know if I see the world through rose colored glasses.

I think I see the world from a place of romance rather than from a place of doom and gloom.  I don't mean that I gloss over all the evil and bullshit going on.  I have seen, experienced and been through a lot that I think would cripple most, and yet I am moved by kindness and peace and joy.  I long for those things.

I feel like a child outside a very expensive candy store... I see all the yummy things, but don't dare enter in.  This is how I am feeling about my life.  I can't quite get fully in.  I am standing outside myself summoning the courage to be fully in.  This is a purging week, on the eve of a transforming month.  November is all about transformation.  I am setting that as my intention.  October has become a heavy month  for me to live through.... a mash-up of death anniversaries, wedding anniversaries, births, loss, time served, and the beauty of the leaves turning. I dread October and I celebrate and welcome October.  Now I gotta leave October and transform this life I so desperately want to own and get into.

On the other side of this intentional transformation sits a woman in complete possession of herself... myself. It is my intention to have a clearer picture of where I am moving this life to.  Worthiness is the foundation.  I am worthy and I am going to start behaving myself into believing that.

I can't drag the past to the future.  I cannot ignore the past or stuff it into some neat little box.  What I can do is deal with it and move through the haze.  Now that most of the secrets are out, there is more room to catch my breath.  No more big secrets to hold onto.  There is a real sense of freedom hovering within my grasp.

Now I need to spend time laying out my intentions for November.  Transformation with God's help and my commitment to go beyond what I feel like doing. 

Yes, Zora this is an answering year.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

Miracles 1,2,3,

This whole blog has been about what I have been struggling with and not able to put my finger on the cause of the struggle(s).  But the events that played out over the last few days have been miraculous.

Now I was going to blog this, earlier in the week:
What I have come to realize is: 1) I hold a great deal of shame about committing a crime of embezzlement and going to federal prison camp (Yeah I thought I handled this shit too... but apparently I haven't and it's holding my spirit hostage and wrecking havoc).  I have not let it go fully and I have allowed this to stop me form living my life fully.  I believe I have not been punished enough. 2) The abuse I suffered as a child still haunts me deeply... and sometimes when I' am making love with my man it drags me back to being that helpless child and all I want to do is throw up and cry. 3) I hate the way my ex-husband just left me... threw me away without any explanation as to why...even though I know full well why. And it makes me feel unworthy. 4) Sometimes I don't know which way to go and I am afraid.  But as a single mother I have to keep it all together and keep moving. 5) I hate being financially vulnerable... scared of not having enough money for basic necessities. It keeps me up every night worrying. When I walk into my kitchen and the cupboards and refrigerator are bare and I know I have to feed my children, I am scared as shit. 6) I don't believe I am going to marry The Potential Mr. Babz... it just seems doomed.  I can't achieve his expectations and so I don't try as hard as I would if I believed we had a real future. It just feels like he is going to throw in the towel anyway come January. 7) Losing my house is unspeakable. I have exhausted every avenue. Surrendering does not bring peace or solace.  I feel like a failure.

I was feeling these things from a sense of what I believed to be true. A truth rooted in my disbelief that I didn't deserve happiness and love. How the fuck did I get here? YEARS AND YEARS OF UNRESOLVED NOT-DISCUSSED SHIT. Years of hiding, burying, an swallowing other peoples discomfort and shit.  I was protecting everyone's heart and soul except my own.

Here's what I've discovered as I was yet again lamenting my sorrows! This is the blog post of right now:

Miracle #1 I am taking the Brene Brown/Oprah Life Class Ecourse The Gifts Of Imperfection. I am Imperfect and I am Enough! Profound.

Miracle #2  Realizing what I BELIEVE about myself is the reason I can't move forward, or up or down or left or right.  That in my soul I believe I am unworthy.  The shame I am carrying has taken over my heart and soul.  All this time I knew I was drowning, but I couldn't put my finger on the source of the pain.  I tagged all the usual stuff... depression... negative self talk... malaise... unhappiness.  Suicide loomed on the horizon like a vulture... just waiting for me to surrender to my own death by my own hands.  Oh I was close on numerous occasions.  The pain of my heart and soul was blinding.  There was never enough alcohol... mindless sex... over-extension of my time or resources that could get me off the suicide trajectory.  Death just seemed like a simple solution to a life that was worthless.

Miracle #3 Yesterday (Friday) I got a threatening email from someone who used my crime against me. This person threatened to do an expose' on my crime!  And all I could do was laugh!  Yes laugh.  In that sacred moment I realized that my thoughts were my own prison.  What I believed about who I was, was the problem.  All this time I accepted the depression as something external invading my internal mood. The truth is, I just pushed the shame deep into the recesses of my spirit... they way I did my childhood abuse, the divorce, the weight gain and every other fucking painful event. You see in order to survive and stay alive, I could not and cannot afford to dwell on this overwhelming pain. The miracle is the laughter... laughing at the fact that I got it!  That other person had no real power over me.  No one ever had the real power over me.  Like Dorothy I had it all the time... the power to believe who I am based on my own inner vision, or all for  the world's external interference.

One nasty email jolted me out of my own bullshit; and this is how I snapped out of my years-long fog.  It forced me to confront what I have believed about myself... I don't believe I am worthy.

I don't believe I am worthy of the air I breathe, the children I raise, the space I take up or the love I want.  This is the secret I have been hiding, totting, and believing.

And now the work of retraining my being to believe I am worthy and enough and loveable begins.  I have no idea what I may lose in this process.. the new revelations are new and stunning and complex.  I do know there is no turning back. And whatever I lose or gain will be because it's needed for the journey ahead.

I am imperfect and I am enough.  I am worthy of profound love and I am capable of giving profound love.


Yes, Zora this is a year of answering....

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God