Saving Myself For A Change...

Time for a break.

The death of my friend Regina Winters-Toussaint has caused me to put my well-being to the top of my everyday practical life list. I am doing too much and I am not happy. I am measuring my well-being by how much tiredness, loneliness, poor diet, dehydration and headaches I can endure daily. I am killing myself.

So I have to be about the real business of SAVING MYSELF.

I wake up at 3:00 am almost every night. For a long time, I just thought it was because I miss my mother. And perhaps some of that is true. But I think the bigger truth is I haven't been in love with myself for a very long time. So I wake with this weight of uneasiness and sadness and aloneness that can't be filled with civic duties, Board commitments, community activism, motherhood or masturbation.

Now this isn't news in and of itself... What is news is that I want to tackle it and deal with it and honor it. 

Oh, I am certain my upcoming birthday has everything to do with this excavation of my heart and mind. I feel the need to inventory my life and toss and or keep things that are absolutely joyous to my spirit. That includes people.

Here's what I am going to do:

1) Write my obituary and plans for my end of life

2) Finish my memoir

3) Rediscover the love I have for myself

4) Say yes to things I only want to honestly do.

5) Be an artist

I'll be back for my birthday. May 2. I'll have a blog party! Right here!

I No Longer Want To Claim Being Tired

It is a default mechanism... one of my own making. I toss out how tired I am without really speaking the truth about what really ails me. What passes for tiredness is really overwhelm and disorganization. I will honestly concede that I have way too many things on my plate at the moment.

Yes, more than likely this is the truth. However, I have this sense of urgency about doing all that I want to do. I know the problem isn't just being tired as much as it is disorganization and fear of success. There is always some kind of fear at the heart of things. I mean if I went to bed early as a person committed to taking better care, then a lot of my tiredness would go away. I am burning the candle at both ends. That ain't good nowhere, nohow not ever. And yet here I set in the wee hours of night, doing one more thing.

I need a tighter routine. I can see the fraying of edges. I can see where things are falling through the cracks and it is getting increasingly harder for me to juggle home, work, kids, their education, my social commitments, my civic duties and my dating life and everything else that I feel compelled to step into.

And to top it all off, I haven't been on a brisk walk or run for a couple of weeks. This is a priority intellectually, but not in reality. So what do I do? I bring my full attention to the matter. I make changes and I do better. Ha ha ha! Which really translates into another day going by without doing shit and them beating myself up until I make a new commitment to do better.Damn it I am doing that crazy roller coaster shit again. I am getting off.

Tomorrow a new plan is needed... It begins with my thinking. I gotta change my mind and make the necessary changes for my greater good. And yes, sacrifices must be made.

Actually the new plan begins tonight. I'm going to bed.

I Love This Life Of Mine.

I am winning in my life and I love it. Once I did away with what I thought I should be doing or should have, I was able to fully step into the "As Is". I like the "As Is"  it is my authentic self. The "As Is" isn't about settling, or compromising, or ignoring anything. It is about standing in my glorious self right now. My admiring gaze is about seeing myself right now in all my glory. There is no point to looking at myself with a critical eye.  Picking myself apart... deeming myself unworthy. There is a great deal of joy in throwing out trash talkers and naysayers. I've burned the bridges of folks who freak me out with their bullshit... who make excuses for their sedate lives. I am not that woman... the woman who settles or bows down or bends over backwards for bullshit. Never that woman.

I am She who is rising. Becoming more of myself than I ever could imagined existed. I like the me I see staring back in the mirror in the morning and at the end of the day. I love the sound of my own breathing and laughter. I cannot and will not tolerate bullshit ever again. 51 cannot and will not tolerate it. My passions run deep and I make no apologies for them... I am a full grown woman. I know how to do shit. I know how to move and change the world.

I am feeling grand and fine tuned. I am a gift that keeps on giving. I like that revelation. I ain't looking for no one to complete me. I am not looking for anyone to provide me with answers to my life. What I want is someone who is interested in supporting and safe guarding my dreams and aspirations. What I am seeking is someone who has his own dreams and aspirations that I can support and safe guard. What I am longing for is REAL connection... nakedness... non-judgement... honesty... love... and integrity.  There can be no settling of anything other than truth.

I am in love with my life. I have waged a long hard battle of acceptance. I love the woman I am becoming. The man that seeks me will know exactly what to do to get me and keep me. This is my epiphany today. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not misguided or misdirected.

Iron sharpens iron.

Happy Un-Anniversary 2007

I thought this was worth re-posting. I have indeed moved on and I am not looking back. I am in a good place. Tomorrow is October 1, 2014. I find October to be a time of magic for me. Tomorrow I usher in a renewed sense of energy. I am in a good place, but I am also complacent. I gotta push myself beyond my comfort zone. I gotta amp up my drive. All the signs are there.  My heart is yearning for something more.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different. It's time to sprint!

So as I take this Fall as my jump off time... my resolution time... I am standing in a kind of grace I thought would be a longer time coming if ever.  I've conquered much, cleared a path and now I gotta haul ass to the life I've been dreaming about.

Happy Un-Anniversary!

Babz is on the come-up ya'll! 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Contrition, you Move Forward. It's Over.

There is no going back.  There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past.  I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous.  What is the point of that?

Five years ago I went off to prison.  So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating.  I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children.  I don't remember my divorce date.  But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007.  As if I am not punished enough.  I am acting as if I am not sorry enough.  I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried.  I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me.  But nobody's reminding me.  I am doing that.

I am letting this go.  Today is true liberation day.  It is behind me. 

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.