All About The Fitness Baby!

E.N.D.: GOING VEGAN BABY!

Moving in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION (END).  I AM GOING STONED COLD VEGAN!
Bring on the salads, vegetables, fruit, hummus! I am all in!  Why? Why? Why?

Because my health is deteriorating.  I am not fit, healthy or well. I know I know I know, I have been lamenting this issue for as long as I have been blogging. I get motivated with a plan and then a few weeks in, something happens and I ditch.  Well this time I am staying....I am telling you I'm not going (cue Jennifer Hudson).  Now I am more than half-way there anyhow, I mean I don't and can't drink milk, butter, or cheese.  I have a severe intolerance to milk proteins---I mean SEVERE....FATAL!

I must admit I am also wanting to look HOT! I want to recapture my sex appeal (which of course starts in my head) nonetheless, I want to be svelte, I want to have sex in more positions (when you have a fat tummy you just have a tougher time having a partner on top---think beached whale) Anyway I am not being hard on myself, I standing in my reality.  I am fully in love with myself, but my health is not reflecting that love.

I just finished Dr. Joel Fuhrman's book Eat To Live.  I LOVE LOVE LOVED It!  It's packed with such good information and real truths about commitment and discipline and a serious forward by Mehmet C. Oz, M.D. aka Dr. Oz.  This may be tough for some people, but not for me.  My mind is clear and focused.  I gotta make some changes...not small baby-step changes...grand sweeping life changing changes.

It's 2011! I want to be more!  I want to do more!  I want to live more!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE NAKED TRUTH

Yesterday I said I was sick of Oprah whining about her weight. I said I was sick of whining about my weight. Dieting and diet addiction is a hard thing to break. We are bombarded by images of women who seemingly are happier because they are thinner. They are having better sex. Their kids are more well behaved. Their clothes are cleaner. All because they are thinner....WOW! So here I come armed with enough self confidence to fill a football stadium and still I buckle under the pressure to achieve thinness. Sure I say all the right things....health, energy, long life. But really it is about self image. Underneath...the naked truth.

Most times I am not affected by how I look. I still feel like I got swagger. But when I start to compare myself to (insert: Sister-Friends, Blood-Sister, Movie Stars, Rock Stars, Models and Jabba-The-Hut--Star Wars) The diet addiction kicks in. I start plotting and dreaming and imagining how much better my life will be if I lose weight.

What kills me is that I have so many interest that hold my attention that when I get stuck on stupid it drives me nuts. I know better. My worth is not tied to a size. My ability to get dates or be in love or run a business, or raise kids, has next to nothing to do with my size. Unless I am talking about the size of my heart! So I am going to continue to discern my feelings about my weight as I create and adhere to an exercise plan that lovingly makes me feel energized!

Continuing this conversation today on:

Lovebabz LoveTalk

The Naked Truth:

Discerning Our Issues With Weight

12:30pm est

CALL-IN 718-766-4895

I AM MY GIFT

I am turning my attention to my weight. I am heavier that I should be. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not like it. Try as I might I have not made real peace with this weight.

I have been an athlete my entire life...except for the last 12 years. The last 12 years I grew complacent. I settled into this weight like a bear settling in for winter hibernation. I got by on, well I wear clothes that flatter, or I am tall. Yes I am all those things and FAT.

So I am taking this on again. Not in a whining way, or a beat myself up sort of way. But in a gentle, focused and loving way. Yes I said I would not talk about weight ever again. But how can I not. There is a small voice in me that says...unhappiness. Carrying the weight is really carrying unhappiness.

So I am taking cues from my beautiful blog Sisters Go Bytch, Sharon and Flutter. No, I am not putting my self on Youtube like Sister Sharon, nor am I going to photograph my progress like Flutter. I will keep running posts as updates from now until my 46th birthday, May 2, 2009.

I am giving up beer and wine and tequila. Will have some for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Champagne for New Year's. I have started a Mindful Meditation class that meets every Friday from 9-11 am for the next 8 weeks. I am going to the gym every morning after I do my carpooling. I am putting myself at the top of my list. No one will suffer. Children will be taken care of as always and their needs will not be neglected. I must however make a commitment to myself.

I am my gift.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BEAUTIFUL YES I AM

What makes us beautiful or pretty in someone else's eyes? Is it solely about how we look or is it a combination of things. Is it our personality and the way we carry ourselves in the world. Or is it because we look great in couture clothes and shoes. I am without question a beautiful woman. I am not a pretty woman. I am not cute. I am beautiful, charming and witty. These are the things I have been told. Do I believe them? Do I need to have someone else believe them? What we believe either traps us or frees us. What we believe either allows us to live a life more fully present or a life in the shadows waiting for that thing to free our spirits. That thing to give us permission to love fully. That thing is often other's opinions and judgements that confines us. We look for acceptance and love from the outside instead of tuning out the world's noise and coming into our love from the inside. Beauty radiates from inside.

Saturday was my brother's wedding, but it was as much my coming out day as well. I looked amazing. I had a gorgeous purple and lavender silk dress that complimented my beautiful skin, I wore 4 inch stiletto sling-back shoes that made my legs look like Tina Turner's...yes those high heels were magical...and painful. I had great jewelry, my make-up was flawless, my smile was 1000 watts. I was runway FINE! I knew it and I felt it. My positive energy was such that I could feel people drawn into me. I could feel people wanting to be near me. I haven't felt that way in a long time. Saturday I truly felt like myself and everyone around me knew it. I was owning my sexy. I was owning my glam and I was owning my grown womaness.

It is nice for anyone to think you are beautiful, or lovely or nice or kind. I have to come to realize that it is my honest opinion of myself that raises myself esteem. I can be my own worst critic or my own biggest fan. It is a choice. I can get caught up in thinking I am not beautiful enough, or I can accept my beauty right now. It is a choice. I can get caught up in thinking if only I was thinner and put off doing things waiting for the weight to drop or I can live my best life right now. It is a choice.

Best line I heard from a guy at the reception " You have a smile that can change a man's life" Shoot! How can you not get high off that!

My brother Bob-O's wedding was FABULOUS! He looked beautiful, the bride was stunning, the day was lovely. I will post my photos later in the week.

YES DR. CHANG...

Dr. Chang: Your arms are OK, your legs are very good. You are carrying too much weight in your belly and thighs. That's where the over weight is. Do something.

Me: So Dr. Chang I am getting divorced and I may have sex someday with someone else, what is new on the birth control front?

Dr. Chang: pregnancy will not be your problem, you are infertile. Even if you did beat the 2% chance you couldn't carry a fetus anyway. You need to be concerned about disease. CONDOMS and not those silly condoms for women. Why are you getting divorced...who wanted it?

Me: Dr.Chang, he left and he filed. I do not have any real explanation.

Dr. Chang: You are young and attractive, you will meet someone more suited to you. Do not lock yourself away. You are young. He is probably going through a mid-life crisis. He will never find anyone more interesting than you. You need to have a vaginal ultrasound. I want to make sure there are no tumors growing back. I told you that back in the Fall.

Me: Dr. Chang I was focused on other things...as you know I had to retire to the country for 29 days. When do you think I will menopause?

Dr. Chang: laughing, oh that is cute. You should write a book. Your life is amazing. OK get dressed. See you soon and take care! And do think about losing some more weight. You have about 15-20 years before menopause starts...sorry. Let me know if your period starts spotting in between cycles. We will see what we need to do next. OK now.

Yep, I need Mary J Blige today! Work that.

IN MEMORIUM: LOVEBABZ MAY 2, 1963 - MAY 22, 2008

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."

Mark Twain

1897

But I am putting to rest some issues. I have been consumed with my weight for quite some time. I have been putting so much value on my weight loss efforts that I have lost my mind about what is really important. If I died today, I doubt very seriously that anyone, anywhere, would say "oh but she was so fat" I am ashamed that I have put way too much energy on this. Sure I know better. But I have not done better. I have used this issue as brick wall to stop me from doing all the things that make me happy. I have second guessed myself and I have assumed that others would judge me as harshly as I judged myself.

Today I am letting this go, burying this shit, if you will. I realized that my worth is in no way related to my size. That sexiness is about what's on my mind. That size is not an indicator of anything other than insecurity. I do not want my children to bear witness to this body-hatred. I do not want them learning to pick apart their bodies and only look for flaws. I want them to love themselves wholly and fully and authentically.

So today is my last post on my weight. I am done whining about this. I am done focusing on this. I am done. I am going to be my fabulous self. I am going to be mindful of what I eat, I am going to move my body and I am going to live my life. This body houses my spirit and my spirit has had enough.

I don't know if women are more body conscious than men. I don't know if men unfairly judge themselves against other men. I do know that I have been the harshest critic of me than anyone could ever be. I was not a fat child, I was not a fat teenager. But I was always bigger than my peers, taller and bigger. I was a perfect size 14 from high school to college. I modeled for money as plus size. I was a size 14 and in those days that was the largest you could be as a plus size model. And I remember thinking I was so big then. And clearly that was ridiculous. So this body-hatred was with me always. I am tired of this. And I have other things that need my attention.

Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!

Auntie Mame

1958

GETTING NAKED READY AND THE LOVE LIST 73-75

Yesterday I bought new work-out clothes. New sport bras, t-shirts, sweat pants. I am going back to the gym next week. I have a few more days to chill out because of this blasted freak dairy allergy. I want to be ready...naked ready... You know when I have sex again the body will be ready to be seen naked. Now mind you my Sister-friend JB says women are too hard on our body image. She is RIGHT! So is my Best Friend "R" So I am not concerned with body image, I am concerned with stamina and energy. I want to go the distance sexually. I want to be able to run the marathon. So I am going to train and I want to see some real results by my birthday May 2! So it's on for next week as soon as I get the green light from my Doctor.

And for my birthday, I am buying a whole new sexy underwear and lingerie wardrobe. Now I have lots of great stuff that my Ex has given me over the years, but I am ditching all that stuff! WHY? Because I want new stuff that my new Man will be the only one to see and touch! Now mind you there isn't a new Man...yet! So really I want new sexy unmentionables for my own sense of sexiness and independence. I am giving this some serious thought and I am making it an important part of my new found freedom. But no matter what I am finding my inside sexy and I am letting it shine!

And yes Mr. Torrance Stephens this is a long list--but you have way more qualities than I can list!

The Love List 73-75

• 73. Can admit lovingly when he is wrong.
• 74. Does not use my mistakes as a whipping stick against me.
• 75. Respects our intimate discussions. Is careful and honorable about what he shares with "His Boys" about "Us"

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: FEELING VERY MJB: "I LIKE WHAT I SEE WHEN I AM LOOKING AT ME WHEN I AM WALKING PAST THE MIRROR" AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #19

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my best friend "R" at our favorite malaysian restaurant Bentara's. I was going on and on about how I couldn't possibly have sex with this body. I was going on and on about my tummy, my thighs, everything. Until finally he said, "Do you hate yourself?" I was a bit stunned, of course I don't hate myself. He then says: I know you don't, but that is what I hear when you talk about yourself in that way. WOW! I had no idea that was the case. I mean I am pretty confident, fearless even. He went further on to say, that I was way too hard on myself and that a Real and Grown Man will be into you not because of how you look, but how you are. And he thought that I didn't savor the fact that I have been through a lot these last few years. Stuff that would break so many people and yet here I am standing. I never much thought about giving myself a break. I knew I was raising my consiousness, but I wasn't paying attention to the negative talk I was saying to my physical self.

So fast forward a few more weeks having lunch at the same malaysian restaurant with my sister-friend JB before going to see the Anna Deveare Smith play...I posted about this weeks ago. Anway, she said the same exact thing, that she thought I was being way too hard on myself and that I should just love the body I am in right now. She is right.

So today I am releasing my body hatred. This is the body I have and this is the body that houses the love that I give and recieve. So from now on as part of my spiritual growth practices, I will stand in the mirror naked everyday and hug my whole self and tell myself that I love ME just as I am. I will continue going to the gym but with a different mindset. One that says getting fit connects the mind, body and spirit. I will continue to be mindful of what I eat. Nothing will be off limits, I am not depriving myself of anything, just changing the direction of the energy.

And last but not least, I am going shopping for new underwear! I mean I am getting sexy, sexy, sexy! Don't get me wrong I am erring on the side of comfort but these days you can have sexy and comfort too. I am, like Justin Timberlake "bringing Sexy BACK!"

Pat Parker
Untitled

Let me come to you naked
come without my masks
come dark
and lay beside you

Let me come to you old
come as a dying snail
come weak
and lay beside you

Let me come to you angry
come shaking with hate
come callused
and lay beside you

even more

Let me come to you strong
come sure and free
come powerful

and lay with you

LOVE AND PASSION IN POETRY #4

This morning I went to the gym. I WENT TO THE GYM and I worked out for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I wish I could say it fits right in with my Resolutions for 2008-the Year of Love and Happiness, I mean it does. But the real truth is, it is a great way to burn all this sexual energy that I have. I mean think about it, you work out, you sweat, you feel great. Look, this is the best I can do at the moment and it worked this morning. I feel satisfied..sort of, I mean working out takes the edge off, but it does not replace the weight. Enough said.

Sonia Sanchez

HAIKU

I want to make you

roar with laughter as i ride

you into morning.

HERE'S THE PLAN: MY LAST YEAR FAT!

There is something to be said about starting a wellness/fitness/weight loss plan on a Monday. It gives you a starting point. For me this key. I didn't binge or overeat on the weekend. I just started planning this new attempt at losing weight. This is MY LAST YEAR FAT! I am putting forth a grand effort. So here's my deal: Get back to tracking my progress on my SparkPeople site--look to the right. I will talk about my weight loss goals and feelings there. I will get 60 minutes of exercise everyday. I am swearing off all alcohol and drinking only water until May 08. I am serious. My goal is to be down 50 lbs by May 08 and another 58 lbs by October 08. I want to go into 2009 108 lbs lost! This is not ambitious and I am not doing any fads or fasting or quick fixes. Just old fashioned common sense: Eat Less, Move More! Off to the scale I go for a beginning weight check and then every other week. I will go to the gym--since I have membership to Planet Fitness which I need to use since it is paid for. This is my moment and I am taking it.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL IS LEARNING TO LOVE ONE'S SELF

I have been battling weight for quite sometime. OK not really. I sort of just let the weight arrive little by little until one day I looked at myself and WOW! I am really heavy. Heavier than I want to be. I was fine as a full-figured beauty--size 18 was OK, but now I am just Obese--size 26/28. I weigh 278 lbs. I am 5'8 I need to lose at least 100lbs. I realize that if I don't take care of me, love me that I will be doomed to die at an early age like my mother at 58, her sister at 40, their mother -my grandmother 60. My Dr. once asked me:"what are you doing to change that fate for yourself" Hhmmm...I don't know I answered. Then he said you got to lose weight! I have high blood pressure, I am close to having diabetes, and I am always tired and I drink too much alcohol. No I am not falling down drunk, nor am I drinking to oblivion. However I could cut back.

Being raped as a child by my Father and then having him sell me for sex to others was very traumatic and I believe has a lot to do with why I am carrying all this weight. Now I am an adult and what was done to me, was done and I have made some peace with that. However there is a part of me that is hiding behind this weight. I know this. And I know I have to deal with it. I can't in good conscience continue to talk about love when I am not fully in love with myself. I have to fall in love with myself. And that means taking greater care of myself. I have little kids and if I want to see them all graduate from college and I do, then I have to love myself more than I already do to lose this weight.

And then there's the vanity issue: I am getting divorced and at some point I will want to date and have mind-blowing sex. There is no way I can think about that now; but I want to be ready. I want to be game ready! I want to be fit and fabulous. I want to love myself more and have it show. So today I am making my plan. I am resurrecting my on-line support group that I started 2 years ago, I am making a timeline. I am going to really make this year my last year living fat! I am going to date me, I am going to pamper me, I am going to support me, I am going to love me MORE!

MY WEIGHT LOSS GOALS: NOTHING IS WRITTEN IN STONE...THANK GOD

I have a blog over at Sparkpeople and the Black Moms Club (click links on my blog) I post about my weight loss journey on the Sparkpeople site and I am talking about the obesity crisis of Black Women at the Black Moms Club. This is such a touchy issue for me that I have wrestled it to the back burner for years and years. Anyway, I have decided to rethink my weight loss goals. In the beginning when I decided to make losing weight a priority I knew it was ambitious and I was up for it. Now with so many other things in my life that need my immediate attention, I have to surrender to the fact that I can't solely focus on weight. I mean I am eating for comfort, I am eating to distract, I am eating to numb. My health is important to me, I just can't focus on it--so I guess it really isn't, right? This is the problem with women in general and Black women specifically. Everything comes before our own health. I know better and yet I just can't muster the strength and commitment to do better. I am smart, well educated and pretty quick on my feet and yet this is a fight I need more help with then I anticipated. Last year I started a Internet weight loss support group for women and I can tell you that I haven't visited it in months--I have gotten emails from the 70 women I recruited but I haven't had the energy to respond. What can I say? So I am rethinking my weight loss goals. I have come to realize that I can and have given my self permission to do that and be OK. How quick I am to beat myself up and and how slow I am to nurture my wounded self. Nothing is written in stone...thank God. I can change my weight loss goals and be OK. I not abandoning them, just changing the intensity of the commitment...for now.

WAIT ON WEIGHT

I haven't gained or lost any weight. I am pretty much hovering around the same weight--give or take 5 lbs. I must say I have to give myself some credit for being mindful of what I eat. I don't just go off into the deep end. However, I can't seem to focus on this until, well all my other issues are dealt with. It is hard to focus on my health when other thoughts seem to take over. I have this vision of how I want to be in my body. I was not a fat kid, or teenager. I put my weight on after college. Then it was an all out struggle. I know it was simply because I was sedimentary--I didn't have any athletic outlets. And I was an athlete. So here I am now, wishing and hoping and not really focusing on what it takes to lose this weight. So tonight, I am going to really think about this issue of weight-loss and figure out how to give it center stage. I think this time in my life is all about forcing me to look at my life and how I want to live it going forward. I know all my dreams and hopes and wishes and private passions are all waiting for me to reach out and grab them. I am almost ready...almost. The universe is preparing me for my destiny and soon I will be ready to walk into my newness.

It's always Monday and other trials of weight loss

Shout Out to My Peeps at http://www.sparkpeople.com/ This site is the coolest for free online diet support. You can track what you eat, you can get a customized menu, you can track your exercise, you can track your water intake. And if that's not a enough there are thousands of like-minded folks ready and willing to support you in your weight loss effort. I joined because my Sister on-line support group member turned us on to this site. I love it. I can get recipes and exercise techniques all right there. So it is possible to get weight loss support--God knows I need it. I joined in January and to date I have lost 16 lbs and that's being lax and half-ass about diet and exercise, so imagine if I really kicked it up a notch. Losing weight is a big deal--no pun intended. I wasn't born fat, nor was I a fat kid. I got fat right out of college and it's been an up hill battle ever since. The good news is, I used to be an athlete and my body remembers--which is good cause I am banking on that! I hit the gym everyday for at least 45 minutes of cardio and I have added strength training--which I love. I got tired of starting a new diet every Monday, to only fail by Thursday. Tracking meals and water intake and exercise makes me more mindful of what I eat and when and of course why. That my friend is priceless. This is my last year being FAT.