I No Longer Want To Claim Being Tired

It is a default mechanism... one of my own making. I toss out how tired I am without really speaking the truth about what really ails me. What passes for tiredness is really overwhelm and disorganization. I will honestly concede that I have way too many things on my plate at the moment.

Yes, more than likely this is the truth. However, I have this sense of urgency about doing all that I want to do. I know the problem isn't just being tired as much as it is disorganization and fear of success. There is always some kind of fear at the heart of things. I mean if I went to bed early as a person committed to taking better care, then a lot of my tiredness would go away. I am burning the candle at both ends. That ain't good nowhere, nohow not ever. And yet here I set in the wee hours of night, doing one more thing.

I need a tighter routine. I can see the fraying of edges. I can see where things are falling through the cracks and it is getting increasingly harder for me to juggle home, work, kids, their education, my social commitments, my civic duties and my dating life and everything else that I feel compelled to step into.

And to top it all off, I haven't been on a brisk walk or run for a couple of weeks. This is a priority intellectually, but not in reality. So what do I do? I bring my full attention to the matter. I make changes and I do better. Ha ha ha! Which really translates into another day going by without doing shit and them beating myself up until I make a new commitment to do better.Damn it I am doing that crazy roller coaster shit again. I am getting off.

Tomorrow a new plan is needed... It begins with my thinking. I gotta change my mind and make the necessary changes for my greater good. And yes, sacrifices must be made.

Actually the new plan begins tonight. I'm going to bed.

Closing Some Doors

I am walking through some doors and I am not looking back and when they swing shut, they will remain shut.

There is no sense in hovering in the doorway waiting for a good enough reason to come in and stay.  There is no sense in hovering in the doorway looking for any reason to flee. I am tired of doorways... I want to come in and be warm and welcomed.

I am making my moves based on what I need for the road ahead today... right now. I do not have to convince myself to do anything except be brave and honor my heart and mind and soul.  With as much clarity as dreams can hold and be, I am discovering more of what I want.

The push back from the world and my audience of naysayers (well-meaning, but not meaning well) can cloud my vision if I let them. I used to let them. I am seeing past all that mess, looking to the horizon.

Oh Babz, Gurl where you wanna be, what you wanna do? Ugh. I swear I feel all gived out. I want to be more selfish. I want to rescue me more. I want to tend to my creative spirit a bit more. It always seems the day catches me short and my little wishes and pleasures get shelved for another day. Yes, that is the mother's reality for awhile until they grow up and on.  Maybe I am feeling the shift of my children growing up and on... and I can see little pieces of time freeing up and the more I see the more I want until I can hardly bear the confines of routine and responsibility and commitment. Oh another door is closing...slowly for sure, but closing all the same.

I am embracing all kinds of uncertainty... last year I was terrified of more loss and more hardship. That door has closed too. The fears are at bay and I no longer feel urgent...rushed..panicked or totally scared. Eh.

Off to enjoy the rest of this glorious day. Opening the door to rest and relaxation.

The Best Day Of My Life...

 

So this is my truth:  Creating and living the best days of my life with no apologies, no blame and without believing I am worthless.

November kicks off Intentional Transformation. No more wishing things could be better.  No more wishing I was in love.  I am.  And I am going to behave and act like it from here on out.

The best days of my life are right now!

God is Calling...And Why Won't I Answer? Well For Starters It's about Forgiveness.

I am CALLED.  Have been for a very long time.  But I refuse to answer The CALL. And when I say The CALL, I mean God's CALL.  That still inner voice that calls you to serve God and take his message to the streets by living and trusting in the word.

Who would I be? And what could I do if I truly gave my entire life to God?  That scares me in ways that are not so easy to speak about and not so easy to see.  The resistance is there, like a 100 foot gate around a moat. My fear about surrender crowds my thoughts... what if I am not worthy?...what if I can't speak the gospel?  What if I can't live it?  I am sure I cannot live it?  Look at the mess that is my life.

It is often said that only GOD can turn a mess into a message.  Maybe this is my turn.

I am not stressed by the validity of The Call.  I know it to be true.  I have always known it to be true.  I first heard it in a little Pentecostal Church here in New Haven back 1974.  Then Again after my first year in college in 1981 and all the years thereafter.  GOD has been chasing me for the better part of my life.

I have been running from the the very thing that saves me.

The CALL's call on my life has pointed me in the direction of  becoming a Spiritual Director.  I do believe  I am to support others' discernment of Where GOD is for them.  And yet, I drag my feet.  I get afraid and turn back around. I have dissected the fear question and the why me question until I am sick of even asking them.

I am not merely talking about giving up things... or stopping certain things. It really is about having a glad heart everyday and letting go of the seductive lure of LACK.  Lack is so woven into the fabric of my life that I can point to the areas where my perception of lack has caused me to do desperate, unloving things to keep from going without, and to look as though I was rising above my circumstances. I did a lot of lying often with enough conviction and indignation until it became the truth to all those who wold listen to me. Damn, it still hurts my heart to think about the bullshit of my bullshit.

Anyway, I keep hearing India Aire version of "The Heart f The Matter" (originally performed by Don Henley).  So rather than sing about a long lost lover...which I have done.  I have decided to let it take on a divine, spiritual quality.  I found it to be quite Illuminating.

This Year Zora, Is an Answer Year

There are years that ask questions and years that answer. --Zora Neale Hurston (1891-1960)

This year Zora, is an answer year.  The last half dozen years were years that asked questions...begged questions...drowned me in questions....  Why Why Why? So many fucking questions, some I thought I laid to rest.  Some are new and still some are old masquerading as new questions.  Maybe the turning of the new year is wrestling them back up. Maybe there is unfinished business in my soul.  Maybe I didn't cut the head off the dragons and they are back with a vengeance.

...can  I cum over and crawl in bed with you one last time?

Yes... Cum.

And so he did. And so we did.  And just as easily as he slipped in, he slipped out.  Gone before dawn as if we were young lovers afraid to get caught by our parents.  My heart was breaking and I didn't even know it.. I was so caught up in the BEST FUCKING SEX EVER. Even now as I think about it I feel hot...faint even.  It has always been amazing with us.  But this time... this last time, felt like I stood in heaven and earth at the same time. There was none of my usual moaning and screaming. There was no sound...as if the sound barrier was broken just as I climaxed. It was a kind of high I never had before.  Every nerve ending in my body was ablaze. I knew I was changing with each touch, with each thrust, with each stroke, lick, kiss, caress.  I was owned in a way that was so foreign and so righteous.  He owned me.  It is a soul-tie that will be hard to break.I called his name, i swore myself to him. The passion consumed me like a house on fire.... yes that corny and that profound.

This year Zora, is an answer year.  I am saying good bye to him.  Forever.  Not like goodbye forever before.  This is an answer year.  The answer is no. Good bye.  You see once we climb out of bed and into the day, who we are becomes unrecognizable. So, Zora this is a year for answers.  And the answer is Goodbye.

This year Zora, is an answer year.  I am answering my life.  Everyday I am going to answer my life.