Where I've Been... Summer Joy and More

As I have  gotten older I have come to LOVE Summer. The hot and hazy days, bare feet, sun dresses and getting blacker!

Going to Jamaica was my reset. Honest to Gawd! I spent a week in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica. Landed in Kingston, which to my sheer delight was Blackity-Black-Black! I travelled with women I adore and love to the nth degree. I needed Jamaica more than I realized. Karaine Holness, captain of my Glam Squad and proprietor of the swankiest hair salon in town, HK; is the founder of Sistahs Jammin. Since 1999 she has been shepherding Sistahs to her homeland of Jamaica for much needed self care! I've been wanting to go for years and this year was my time!

Lawd, Black Jesus! Oh what a hair raising drive up the mountain. But once up there, you could clearly see God's magnificence. Lushness everywhere! Paradise. Seriously, paradise!

I slept better, I ate better, I dreamed better, I rested better, I was just better with each day.

Now I am back. Have been for a few weeks now. The effects of Jamaica are still in me. There is a new perspective on how I want to be in the world. Less stress and more ease. I am chasing peace in my spirit, in my life, in my deeds and actions.  I really cannot tolerate people who come with chaos and drama. That includes children. That includes potential lovers. That includes friends.

As I move through this life I am defining what peace is. I am defining what peace looks like in my day-to-day being. I have come far and wide to this notion of peace and how I want it to show up in my life. Good friends who bring peace and understanding. Potential lovers who bring peace and acceptance and understanding. Children are a mixed bag, but they do not get a pass.  They are being reoriented to my desire for peace. Soon they will be carving out places of peace in their own lives. And they will hopefully come to understand my desires and the choices I made for myself. Momming ain't easy!

Oh the challenges are still there. I am still on the front lines of battles and responsibilities and things needing my immediate attention. My reset has opened the door toward responding from a place of peace rather than anxiety and stress. Using anxiety and stress channeled in such a way that I am not hopeless, desperate and exhausted.

Time has always been at a premium and in excess. That is life. Enjoy what you can, plan where you can, deal with whatever shows up and stay in prayer about everything.

Serendipity Holistic Spa Retreat
Jamaica 

Markeshia, Dr. Jackie, Sharon! Kariane and me! A day at the beach down from the mountain!

This Is The Guiding Force Of My Life...

I can't tell you how I have decided to move on. I just do. I can't put into clarifying words how I picked myself up over and over and over again. I can't begin to explain how I stopped my self from suicide. Wretched myself back from crippling despair. Oh, I live knowing deeply that I benefit from undeserved grace.

I could lay before the world my life... filled with all kinds of twists and turns. Great highs and gutter lows. Crippling defeats and humiliating moments that seemed to last an eternity. I've known unimaginable pleasure in the arms of men I couldn't pick out of a line-up tomorrow. I've enjoyed the love of good men that seemed all too fleeting. I've danced around the world and sang every song there is to sing. I am still standing, thirsty for more. This life oh this life. I can feel the sands of time running through my fingers and I want to race on. I want more and more.  I am overwhelmed with my redefinition of more. I simply mean peace, more quiet time, finding  joy in the the smallest of things like my breath and the breath of my children. My desires for pleasure are still burning brightly and the wanting of a lover lingers at the front of my daydreams... And the passions of my youth are not the passion of my middle age (at least not all of them). I still have the taste of adventure on my tongue... I am at home in the world all the time. I do not seek solitude in the woods away from the world, I simply want to be at peace in the midst of the hustle and bustle and chaos. I am growing into my life.

I know how many times I turned away from God. I can tell you how forever God has been with me. I have been ungrateful in my loving and in my being loved.  I don't know love at all. I am ripe to learn and learn and learn. Thank God for my children and my siblings... my first introductions to long standing love affair.

I am guided by the desire of a continuous arrival each step of this journey... my life unfolds each day and each day I am in awe of what I can feel and sense and be and do. I've stripped away so much bullshit that I barely recognize the woman I used to be. There is so much more to excavate... to get underneath.

This is the guiding Life Force Of My Life... to go about the world as seeker and lover. Enigmatic, mysterious, impetuous, curious, charming, joyful, I cop to it all...every label I own. I embrace the paradox of my being. It brings me closer to God. Truth be told... I have never been afraid of anything. I am woman for what's ahead. I live in the right now with an open invitation to what's ahead.

Grace Isn't Getting What You Want....There's More My Dears

I thought once I saved this house I would be happy. I thought once I got married I would be happy. I thought once I started a family I would be happy.  I thought once I earned all these degrees I would be happy. I thought once I got out of prison and all this was behind me I would be happy.

I have come to painfully realize that happiness is not predicated on having shit. Happiness is a state of being that you decide upon right now. Not when shit goes right. You gotta be happy when shit goes wrong. And therein lies the gift. To stand in the state of grace and joy even as the ground beneath you is caving in.

You see, I thought that once I ticked shit off my list, that was the direct road to happiness.

I was a bit lost when I had accomplished what I set out to do and discovered I was still afraid, fearful and unable to move the fuck forward. Unhappy. this is not about whining... I thought I was whining when I spoke out loud my pain. My loneliness. I was not whining. I was trying to find higher ground. I was drowning in my life. A life ripe with unresolved shit... hurts... done-wrongs... and just plan old poor ass decisions of people I let in my heart, my bed, my life.

The torment came when I started the dance of 'Know-better" Oh I knew better, but I wanted what I wanted and so mess quickly ensued... like clockwork.

Today is different... reflective.  I am seeing.

If happiness lies solely in having shit... things.. anything... then what happens when it's all taken away? I've had it all taken away. And when I picked my ass up off the ground and dried my eyes, there were things I was still quite happy about.... my children... my siblings... my real and enduring friends... Happiness is within. Sure a nice set of bone china, or crystal goblets or diamond rings, a fine piece of artwork.... It all makes me happy. But true, longstanding, authentic happiness is the gift from within. The inner knowing that things are not the sole source of joy or happiness.

This was my divine lesson the last couple of days... wrapped in good news. You see when things are wrapped in good news we think that's the blessing... the only blessing. No my dears.. that is only part of it...a very small part of it. Grace isn't getting what you want. Grace is understanding and truly knowing that your joy springs from within, regardless of circumstances or issues or dilemmas or troubles. I am not my worst moments. Funny how true that rings when I step outside of my ill ease and turn my attention to my blessing rather than my lacks. Do you see the gifts?... I do. I do indeed.

I get it. Truly.

My Business To Mind

My business adviser said to me " You have to decide if what your doing is a business or a hobby"

I have been turning this over in my spirit for weeks now. The truth is, he's right. I have been too afraid to step all the way out on faith and do what I do for money. I do what I do for free.  It's as if I don't feel worthy to charge for my talents. It wasn't until my business adviser clearly stated that what I am doing is just a hobby, did I get it.

The time for turning this over in my spirit is over. All the things I want to do I must do them. NOW! The passing of Dr. Maya Angelou caused me to revisit her work, to listen to her talks and to pay attention to what I am doing, has re-energized me. Sure, I've been energized before and somehow I fall back into a pattern of doubt and unworthiness.  But the news of Barbara Smith... B.Smith's diagnosis of Alzheimer's stunned me and I immediately thought, I can no longer wait or dream about wanting to make things happen. I gotta move now. I gotta jump high now! Sure, I have this surge of energy. I've started and started and started countlless times... too many to even name.

Yesterday I sat down and actually started writing.  And the distractions came swift and hard.  And for the first time I could see how I get sucked into shit that has nothing to do with me. I allowed all manner of things to take over my attention. From the biggest  to the smallest attention draining things. I had to work hard to stay on task... I was determined. For the first time I put real value on what I was doing.  I didn't just see it as some indulgence or whim.  I pushed myself to stay with it.

It is that kind of commitment I have to have.  I have to value what I am doing above all others in the time that I give it. That is the lesson God has been guiding me to see. I am the priority... not in Me-Me-Me kind of way, but in how-I-cultivate-and-share-my-talents kind of way.  If I am a writer, I must make time to write and the time I make to write has to be respected. If I am an artist, I must create and respect the time to create art. If I am a spiritual director, I must make time for prayer and spiritual direction. Whatever I say I want I have to make time to have it.  This is what minding my business means.

This means truly leaving the poppy fields (code for all the things that keep me from my calling)

This is clear to me... I can build my business with a sense of yes, I can. And hold this in respect and reverence. I know this to be divine work. And I no longer can treat it as something other than my true calling.
I work for someone. I want to work for myself. I want to do the work I am called to do.  I want financial freedom created out of my own hands.

My Lenten Journey: I Will Stop Living My Lesser Story

I have been thinking about a piece I read at Relevant magazine online "Are You Called To Create" an interview with author Erwin McManus, "The Artisan Soul"

This simple quote excited me out of my skin: 

STOP LIVING YOUR LESSER STORY.

Wherever you are in your life..career, relationships use that as a platform to build a better life. I understand this and I feel it deeply in my heart. Since I began paying attention to the Season of Lent I always felt the strong connection of creativity and spirituality.

I am more my creative self now than ever before. I decided to tell myself, yes I am a creative person. In this new found discovery of creativity I feel more Christian than I ever felt before. This allows for a grander life story.

The lesser story has always been all the pain and misery taking center stage.  And whatever success (good things, happy things, good times) were quickly swept to the background because there was this sense of not seeing the good things as the reality. That those good things were happenstance.  That the lesser story was the "real" story.  This creative spirit begged the questions... why can't this be the "real" story?  Why can't the creative spirit take center stage and shine? God dwells there happily why can't I ? Christ was quite creative in sharing the good news. As I moved through my days with these questions, the creative spirit began connecting with the spiritual awakening and soon I began to believe that I am indeed a creative person. A lover of art and beauty. I see God's creativity and love for beauty in nature and in me.

Holy week is here, Palm Sunday is today and while my children are in church, I am home dealing with an emergency plumbing situation. As I sit and wait while the plumbing issue is being solved and repaired, I can see the beauty of the day out of my window while listening to John Coltrane's Giant Steps waft through the house. God is here with me. I feel the creative spirit wed to the divine. It is indeed time to stop living my lesser story and go for the bold, grand, story of how with God's care I created a bigger story... A creative, spiritually rooted story of love.

It’s astonishing to me that we have allowed people to take the Bible and turn it into a manuscript of conformity when it’s really a manifesto of creativity.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/are-you-called-create#RqRQjo4Y4GF0pigJ.99

It’s astonishing to me that we have allowed people to take the Bible and turn it into a manuscript of conformity when it’s really a manifesto of creativity.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/are-you-called-create#RqRQjo4Y4GF0pigJ.99

Die or Rise

It is for me a an ongoing battle to stay in my skin.  To stay focused on all the good in my life.  I am challenged often by dark thoughts and sadness and disappointment.  I struggle with the paralyzing nature of FEAR.  I find myself stuck in my thoughts more often than I find myself in love.

What I like best about my ability to overcome shit, is the fact that God stays in communication with me... through songs, catch phrases, people, places and experiences.  God is always talking to me.  I on the other hand can tune God right out.  I do it mostly when I want to stay wallowing in my bullshit. Wallowing in bullshit keeps you from rising; it keeps you from championing your dreams.

My dreams are scary... the closer I get the more afraid I become. Why? Because the truth is this: What if I don't make it?  What if all the effort doesn't give me a win? And who am I really?  How do I get to have such lofty goals and ideals? This is the torment.  Believing somewhere deep down in my soul I don't deserve the life of my dreams.

For many years after I graduated college... degree in hand, I used to freak out and think maybe I didn't graduate, that I must go back, that there was some mistake. I used to wake up in a panic. Seriously, I used to be fucked up over this.  For a long time I kept a copy of my degree in my purse because I was afraid of getting a call that I didn't deserve it... I hadn't really earned it. I didn't feel this when I earned my Masters in Public Administration.  I was older and other shit was causing me anxiety... I was newly married and trying to figure out and define my role as wife and partner. I have always had a strong belief in God, but in those days out of college and into the early years of my marriage I didn't have a church home. I found one when the  first child arrived. (that's a post for another day)

I am right now not struggling with the presence of God, but rather, struggling with God's call to me.  Why don't I think I deserve my life and why am I so quick to let it die on the vine?  I will either die or rise.  It is that simple.  To linger and wither away my life is dying.... very very slowly. Allowing the days to run into the next without even caring, is a slow death.  Taking on meaningless projects are really life rafts to keep me from drowning in my bullshit. And I am drowning. I am numbing with things that do not give me pleasure anymore.  They have become tedious habits... more distractions.

Choosing to rise is FOLLOWING MY DREAMS! Clearly defined dreams, not just wishful thinking. Creating a plan and executing.  Not the bullshit of talking pretty about what I am about to do.  About to do is bullshit. To rise, is to summon every ounce of courage all day everyday and put the dreams above the seductive whispers of "can't".   To rise is to work toward having my life and body reflect my dreams... the work put in... the success I define for myself.

I am my own assassin.

There are only two options.  I either Rise or Die.

I am the Magic

 

As I reflect on my intentional transformation, I am realizing what I've deeply held in my spirit...

I am the one that is the magic.  God has equipped me with all that I need.  God has left gifts and pearls of wisdom in my path.  My path is illuminated.

Path illuming 

as I move as God would have me.

I am the magic

Indeed.

What I Ache For....

This is such a provocative statement... a simple question that stops me cold and begs me to deal with it.

What do I ache for?  WHAT DO I ACHE FOR? What is the dream of my heart's longing?

Answering this for myself requires a kind of permission I have not granted myself for a very long time.  And I am wondering why haven't I and wondering if I am bold enough to get to the truth of the matter... beyond the fear of what the answer(s) may mean to me in this present moment.

Being 50 is its own gift.  There is a certain kind of permission granting that happens at this half century mark. There is within me  deeply held desires for things unspoken.  Long held flights of fantasy...or so I thought. Long held dreams that seemed so out of my reach...exceeding my grasp.  And yet here I am pondering and running from the desire's of my heart.  God has already said have them and yet I hesitate. More than hesitate I destroy.  Yes, destroy, bury, dismantle.  All under the guise of pursuing more practical choices.  I am the assassin of my heart's longings.

Is the conditioning of the world saying no, greater than God's yes?

So much to take to prayer.

Rest And Sleep Are Prayer

The body knows when it's tired.  It will just stop... shut down. Often times much needed rest can only be gotten if we are sick... I mean really really sick and we are FORCED to sit our asses down and rest.

As I think about rest, I can't help but think of resting as prayer... as a way to glorify God in silence and stillness. Stillness... one of the great ways to hear God speaking.

I am at the place of tired.  I am at the place of physical overwhelm. There is no denying... I AM TIRED...EXHAUSTED.

Resting in stillness is my ultimate prayer every night.  I see this clearly and I am embracing it.

Lord God,
send peaceful sleep
to refresh our tired bodies.
May your help always renew us
and keep us strong in your service.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Into your hands, O Lord, we commend our souls and bodies, beseeching you to keep us this night under your protection and strengthen us for our service on the morrow, for Christ's sake.
Amen.