A Dead Of Winter Break... Being Revolutionary In My Own Life

It is time to explore radical self care. Be revolutionary in my own life. I cannot keep up this breakneck pace of work in the absence of real pleasures. What the fuck am I doing?

The bigger questions looms... Is this the life of my dreams? No! Then how do I get that life?

I am going to explore those questions and get some answers. Time is of the essence. 2016 and these early days in 2017 have shown me that this life ain't no dress rehearsal for the life I really want. If I want a different life, now is the time to make that leap... Get on that path.

How?

1.  Turn off the competing noises... Leave social media alone for a bit.

2. Do more of the shit that makes me happiest

3. Read for pleasure only

4. Laugh and be in the company of laughing people

5. Be Vegan. Cook Vegan. Eat Clean.

6. Walk. Wander the world on foot.

7.  Write... Handwritten letters, notes and cards to friends and lovers far away.

8.  Enjoy the company of my women friends more

9. Make love... I have no idea how this is going to happen... I don't have a lover to speak of, nor is           there one on the horizon. I just figured I'd put it out into the universe and see. (well, will be more         intentional than wishing)

10. Rest. Rest more. Deep sleep. A real bed time. And naps.

11. Whatever else I discover on my way to my revolution.

Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind

As long as I draw breath, I suspect that I will be always the kind of woman that readily makes friends and invites people into my life. I am fascinated by people's stories. I talk for hours to people on a regular basis. There is always some depth that I want to get to with folks. I am always meeting kindred souls on life's byways and highways.

Being how I am, with always inviting folks to converse and being open, to discovering what we can in discussion and late night heated sharing and early morning hey you. Is often a prescription for experiencing different sides of people that they normally don't show to others. What I mean is, people can be fucked up in other relationships, but then they step into my universe and they don't bring that with them... until they do.  I was told incessantly "I am not kind" and my reply was always, "I believe you, but that has not been my experience of you". And onward we go, existing in the bubble of enchantment. Now, mind you, I can always feel the cracks in the bubble early. I can tell when the truth of just being, starts to seep in. Little annoyances start to become bigger annoyances. We are talking, but not deeply. We are slipping away from the early days of interest and intrigue. What is passing for friendship between us, is the mutually satisfying work... Me building my dreams, and you building another chapter in a life with great determination and focus. We are becoming estranged.

I hold few things to the breast anymore. I have learned to not hoard love or magazines. Nothing has changed. I love you. Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind. It is now my experience. I have stepped out of the bubble of enchantment and into the bright bold, harsh light of day. And all shall be well.

Each experience of enchantment brings me closer to a new me that I am so pleased to meet. I like who I was in relation to you. I am still she. And I like me so much. I don't know what you started to see, or how you came to the observations about who I am and what I need. I don't care to know at this point. Your opinion is neither here nor there in the overall scheme of things. I am wrong about people all the time. I am a fool most times opening myself to folks. I am my best self when I am living my vulnerabilities; this is the space I want to be in.

The riches of life are such that, you can meet a perfect stranger one day, make friends, do creative things and love and not love and love a bit more and move on.

Nothing has changed. Except, I now accept that you are unkind. And that my friend is the greatest gift. The gift of walking in truth and believed.

Hey Babz, You Need To Do Dating Differently

I have always viewed dating as an adventure waiting to unfold; that I would meet someone and we would click. I was excited to date and see what opportunities awaited me. I had no list or heavy criteria. I just wanted someone who was intellectual, and spiritually and emotionally strong in their own right and ready for a woman like me... Or if not on the same page, at least in the same book!

My Ex-husband Lawrence was a wonderful example of intellect, street smart, hip-hop and jazz. He truly was and is a student of the world. He was a faithful and abiding man. He had a faith in Islam that guided him. I admired that. He was not a cheater. I never worried or had cause to worry about him betraying our marriage vows. In that regard, I was blessed. I know so many men who have cheated or are cheaters. Men who have cut a path of heartache and family destruction that gives me pause. That was not my experience in my marriage. There were other problems that contributed to the demise of the marriage. But overall, we share a great many values. We were equal adventurers and learners and readers and art appreciators!

So, of course, I thought to get out there again, surely the Gods will smile upon me again! Then Jamal showed  up... With all the romantic dust dreams are made of. As it turned out... Jamal was not anything I would wish on anyone. It was a disaster. We are no longer friends. We were friends since we were 12 and 13 years old. A day-to-day loveship was a prescription for pain. What had such promise, turned into a nightmare. I moved on.

Dating now, I thought I had a clear understanding of what I was doing. It has been one bad date after another. So I'm conceding to the universe. I hear you! It is time to move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.

My village and the universe of friends are wide and intimate. My friend Bill suggested I rethink my concept of dating. "You're a great communicator" start there. My soul mate Carlos said just be still and allow someone to show up for you. And My BFF Ron thinks I do too much. "You are enough," he says. "You are delightful and loving and kind and stunningly beautiful".  Just wait. Someone will show up. Someone, I bet totally unexpected.

I have decided to stop dating for the Summer. No more dates for the remaining Summer. Perhaps in the Fall, depending on how I feel.

This last date was tough and terrifying. He put his hands on me in a way to threaten and intimidate me. It did not work. I am still mad and feel acutely vulnerable. So this Summer, I chill. No dates. Just conversations... The richer the better.

I am a great communicator. I walk in truth. I do not lie. I used to be a liar and a manipulator. I am not that woman anymore...Haven't been that woman for more than a decade (the length of marriage). Marriage was my saving grace, the ctatlyst that showed me love was possible for me.

I am quite transparent as a love interest. We must be each other's savior and not assassin. That's what I am taking into the next loveship. So this summer no dating! Just Communicating!

 Let's see how this approach fares. I'll keep you posted.





photo: Karen King, Photographer
Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay and Sangster Barber & Salon

How Did You Survive Everything They Always Ask

When folks hear my story, they always ask how did you survive everything? And then they add and you seem so whole, happy, larger than life. They say oh you get depressed? You seem like the happiest woman on the planet. (Well I am for the most part now)

Rape/Incest/Sexual exploitation
Suicide attempts
Divorce
Foreclosure
Bankruptcy
Federal prison
Unemployment
Sadness
Depression
Obesity (I hate this word... I prefer FAT... it just seems more bountiful)

I always answer depending which bad thing they are referring to. As I look back over my life and see just how far I've come. Sometimes I am baffled. It all seems so long ago. Maybe this for the book... The memoir.

I survived everything by believing that something better was just over the next hill. I just believed that good things would land on me. I believed that I was not meant to die all the times I tried to kill myself. I just didn't die. I survived when I was divinely entrusted with 4 little kids needing a mother. I needed them and did not know it until they arrived one by one.. They opened up a wealth of love that I had never known.I survived by marrying a man who cherished me for 12 of the 14 years we were married. He gave me a real sense of what love in action could be like. That it was possible to be loved just for myself. He did that. He brought me the gift of grown up love. I know I will have it again. I just believe there is someone out there for me... Someone who wants to be good to me and for me.

To survive anything I suspect, begins with believing that you will survive.. You have to redefine what surviving means. Always asking what do I need at this moment?. What do I need? Being clear about what you need helps with praying with purpose. Dear God help me with this, that or the other. And be willing to see what God sends for you.

I just believed I could become the woman of my dreams. So I set out with that thought. Asking how do I do that God, show me, direct my steps. Sometimes I listened to God and sometimes I did not. The journey is forward.

I do not Live In a Love Desert

I learned a big lesson over the last 48 hours. Those that believe there is not enough love for them will always try to drain you dry of your kindness and humanity.. I see where the lack shows up in people... I can see their fears taking over and they seem helpless in their ability to stop it.

There is enough love for all. There is enough love that we can give and receive to each other several times over.

I do not live in a love desert. I believe that love is boundless. I believe love transcends the ordinary and yet dwells in the ordinary.

I do not know of any way to be except to be in love. This is my deliberate choice. This is what makes me happy. When you are invited into my circle, it is done because I have fallen in love with you... Your spirit... Your energy.Your being speaks to all that is in me. It connects to all the good in me. Love is transforming and healing and liberating.

What I do not have the time for is drama... or the constant debating of what is lacking in any given situation in somebody's life. I cannot be the bearer of all that is lacking and broken in any one's life.

I do not live in a love desert. I live in a love oasis. I live in a love oasis. I live in a love oasis.

I have no problem dwelling on my own. The love I seek is seeking me. There is no rush. There is no desperation. I am the love I seek. I am the love of my life.

I do not live in a love desert. I do however live in a love oasis.

Babz Showing Up As Babz

I never thought I wouldn't find love again. I never paid attention to all the talk around Black women and dating and finding marriageable Black men. I never had any qualms dating men from other ethnicity's. I have been open to love all along...sometimes to my detriment. As I look back I have always been open to love. What I haven't been was myself. What I have done was try to become something someone else wanted and needed with the hopes that some of what I wanted and needed would be met. I was WRONG! Oh so painfully wrong.

So I am showing up as myself. No sugar-coated version of me. No smoke, no mirrors. It's all coming forward with the light of day. I can't hide shit. I won't. This is who I am!

My name is Babz Rawls Ivy, I am 5'8', 264 lbs 268 lbs and I may never get to anything smaller. I have 4 kids I adopted. I am a felon. I hold a BS in Marketing. I have an MPA. I am a certified Spiritual Director. I have an impressive resume filled with community service. I have FOUR children who I happily raise. I am friends with my ex-husband and adore his new wife. I belong to a Sorority. I work as an Editor-in-chief for a Black newspaper. I drink... champagne, scotch, vodka, rum, wine, beer...Not all at once, but I drink. I like an occasional cigar... maybe every couple of years... certainly not often or on a regular basis. I like sports. I love live music. Jazz. Old school R&B. I'm a bit junky. I hate throwing things away.

My crazy is manageable. I am never going to check your cellphone, or follow you or wrangle my hands about who else you might be fucking. I will believe you until I don't. I cannot stand constant conversations about "this relationship". I like and need and want a LOT OF SEX. I like my own time alone without you.  I can't fuck with you if you don't read books. I can't fuck with you if you don't like good movies and by good movies I mean classic shit. I am not going to have petty arguments with you about which direction the toilet paper ought to roll. I am not going to be your mother. I am not going to handle your life. I am not going to tell you what to do.

I cuss. A lot. Not in public though and rarely around little kids. I believe in God. I have a strong religious foundation. You gotta have one too... believe in something other than your own bullshit.

I am without a doubt a loyal woman. I am fun. I am a great conversationalist. I can hang with just about anyone. I can go to any party and make myself at home. I have strong political views... very fucking liberal political views. I am an advocate for human rights, women and girls rights.

I am loud. I laugh loud. I am known to talk loud.

Babz is showing up as Babz forever more. At this point in my life authenticity is the new sexy. What I know for sure is that I am a particular kind of baddass woman who will only truly appeal to a particular baddass man. One who is sure of himself, manages his own life and shows up equally authentic. Someone who doesn't bring me their shit to solve, or their bills to handle, or their insecurities for me to magically resolve. Oh and has NO fucking baby-mama or ex-wife drama... keep that madness away from me.

From here on out I am showing up as me. That's it.

My Hands Are Open

So someone introduced me to a man. A man they thought would be of support to my spirit.
Of course I was wrangling my hands about the introduction... especially since the person doing the introduction does not know me really. Does not know me at all. But yes, was very insistent about making this introduction. It was quite intense and direct and forceful, as though they didn't want me to miss out.

But that is how God works.

So I connect with this man and God only knows why lightening strikes. I notice right away he is every long held dream... Every spoken and unspoken desire. He possesses the keys to my hidden places... dungeons and secret gardens and high tower turrets. There is no resistance whatsoever. There is no fear. There is only a real desire to run to him and stay. There is no hesitation. There is no bullshit.

But this is how God works.

Every conversation is sensual and erotic... The most mundane of sharing heightens my arousal. It is physical and metaphysical and spiritual and physical and joyous. He is like no man I've ever known and yet he is the accumulation of every man I've ever known....all the good... only the good. Confidant and focused and determined and open to God's will. I admire a man that owns himself fully and unapologetic.

"You are so Fucking Beautiful" "You have a beautiful spirit" "Your smile brings brightness to my sky" he whispers. It's as if I waited centuries for these words. My exhale was so deep and so profound that I am sure new galaxies were formed on the strength of my breath out to the far heavens. It has been a long time coming.

But this is how God works.

My hands were outstretched and open. I did the work of letting go of things... Heavy things... Of things and people and places that added nothing to my life excepts stress and uncertainty. He brings none of that. This is how to fall in love.

Building upon all the positives and in-common joys. He has mastered being himself and grateful. He prides himself on being a forever student and voracious reader and thinker. Oh a man that understands himself and his fears, is a man of great wealth. I do believe I am falling building in love.

I care not of time. It is not important of how long this love builds, I am in this moment and the moment is sweet.

That's Your Bullshit... I don't Need Any Of It

Staying clear of other people's bullshit is now one of my keys to happiness.

People are creatures of habit. They deal with the same bullshit over and over and over again. If you pay attention to the folks who have drama in their lives you will see it's the same old bullshit that they have been doing forever. And if you are not careful or attentive to your own growth and freedom you will be caught up in their bullshit.

I used to feel compelled to get in there with folks and be all stressed over their shit. I thought I was being helpful and attentive. What I was doing was co-signing their foolishness. Giving support to their continued drama addiction. You see if you don't want bullshit in your life you have to quit ordering it. Simple. But folks are creatures of habit and some like the drama. So as I save myself I realize that all the drowning I was doing was because  I was staying in the deep end with folks who weren't interested in being saved.

I have no advice for folks staying committed to bullshit. They know what they are doing. They have made their choice to go the distance in mess and foolishness. I am no longer in that place. I like a drama free existence. I have made the hard choices to secure my freedom. There is no going back for me. And I will not be pulled back into bullshit I don't care who you are and what you mean to me. Now if you are ready to walk in truth and do the work for freedom, call me. But if you are about to tell me some shit about what you have suspected all along and yet you stayed in bullshit; just know I'll listen and won't have any advice for you. I don't have any answers for your life.

I am a freed woman. I have no drama in my life. NONE. I have removed people from my life who did nothing but create and nurture drama. I am happier than I have ever been. Aside from a few minor fiscal challenges, my life is damn good. I am nobody's fool, bitch, side piece or problem. I own myself out right. So whatever your deal is... Whatever your crazy is... That's your bullshit and I don't need any of it.

Do the work of freeing yourself if freedom is truly what you want. You can't change anybody but yourself. You can't make people be who they are not. You have to decide if you want to keep going back for more where there is only less.  So forgive me, if I do not wade in the water of your misery. I hear you. I am here for you. But baby I am not drowning with you and honestly hearing your story of being done wrong for the umpteenth time is not how I want to spend my short time on earth.

This IS The Moment... I am In My Destiny

I am in the moment... I am at center stage. This is my life and I am the star. There is no getting ready for shit. This is the moment. This is the moment right now! All the things that I have wanted... Prayed for... Wished for. Are right here in my hands.

All this time I thought the success I wanted would be in the having of everything. Whoossh the curtain fell, the fog lifted, lovers fled, and there I stood naked and alone and it dawned on me. I am right where I am supposed to be and the success is right here too. Right here. I have slowly but surely orchestrated my success. The stars are indeed aligned and the truth of things are unfolding as I type. What the fuck does all this mean?

It means that my happiness isn't tied to people, places or things. Yes, I knew this, but now I live this. My desires are about attaining and maintaining peace and comfort. There is no drama anywhere in my life. None. I have removed it all. I have changed my mind about people and their shit. I have handled my business and saved my house from foreclosure. I am tackling real estate school. I am writing my memoir. I am writing a novel. As editor-in-chief of a Black newspaper, we are becoming relevant again under my watch. I am getting out and hanging out with people I absolutely adore. And I am going back to making health a priority again--- and that doesn't stress me. I have the opportunity and ability to try again and to keep trying until trying becomes the doing consistently like breathing. I am in a good place. This is my moment. This is success. I am walking in my destiny.

In this place of success there is no resting. Illumination can become darkness quickly if I don't stay diligent with safeguarding my success....Which really  means safeguarding my clear and open heart. I must continue to live and honor my definition of happiness. I am not afraid of anything, and all the people I have in my life this very moment are so good for me I can hardly stand it. I open my arms wide for more love, joy and happiness.

Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex?

I came across this piece "I want a life of a million lovers"  written by Brentan Schellenbach over at elephantjournal

I was struck by how it gives shape and structure to feelings I have been wrestling with for a good while now. And since the break-up with The Potential Mr. Babz I have been looking at how I love and make love. Perhaps he and I should've remained friends with benefits... perhaps we should've just been friends... however we were never that ever. we were always lovers...always passionate lovers at that. I am walking through my love life and seeing where I am and what do I want. I have lived long enough to have a good idea of who I am. I've had a lot of great sex in my life and I want to continue to have great sex, but how? Clearly I don't want to go back down the relationship rabbit hole and be talked to death about my lack of communication skills. And I certainly don't want to hear how too busy I am for a serious relationship. And my one solid man-woman friendship with my BFF Ron thrives and succeeds. We've been friends for well over 25 years without ever having sex. Not once... not even flirting. So anyway, this piece stopped me in my tracks and called me to discern this for myself in my own life. I have sent it around to friends for their thoughts... I have had deep discussions with a few FB folks who are relationship gurus and dating experts. I don't know what I hope to find, or hear. I just know for whatever reasons I've not been good at finding someone who likes sex as much as I do who has their own life and interests and is not looking for me to be their mother, or bank, or baby-sitter, or therapist, or moral compass.

I am going to explore this a bit more over the next couple of weeks. It speaks to me and I want to know why.

I want a life of a million lovers.

I want to love you.

I want to love you if you are male or female, young or old, single or married…

When I see you we will embrace and hold a hug long enough to glimpse some insight from each other’s heartbeat.

When we walk down the street we shall link arms, pause frequently, and turn our toes and noses towards the other to speak directly without modesty.

I would like us to share the couch together, rather than creating a “do not cross” line where we may as well be sitting on brick blocks seated four feet away. Give me your knee, your foot, your thigh—let your body dangle on top of my body so I can know you the way litters of kittens know each other.

I want to show up to you and look into your eyes instead of at your eyes. I want to feel your hand and be consumed by it until the rest of the world ceases to exist. I want to be in your presence and be in want ofnothing.

I would like you to leave our time together feeling loved and free and full of your most vibrant and luscious hue of you-ness.

Please do not get confused: I do not want to have sex with you—whether you are male or female.

I have no sexual agenda, as you know, because we laugh at the freedom we feel to speak to strangers for reasons other than because we have to or because we’re hitting on them.

For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.

And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.

For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want.

I only want us to fall in love.

Now I realize that at some point, either you or I may change our minds and crave sexual expression with each other.

For I am human—as are you—and we have wants that change and grow.

But if that desire should spring upon one of us, I hope that we will talk about it, the way we talk about the universe, cultural tropes, the nature of depression, what makes a good cup of coffee, and how your day was yesterday.

I hope that that topic of conversation is no more avoided than talking about the latest episode of Doctor Who or how to effectively clean one’s mouth from Oreo breath.

I would like you to share yourself with me—every stitch of you—so that I may be warmed and nourished by your tapestry. And I would not like you to worry that some of your threading is inappropriate or uncomfortable to share with me, because I am only here to accept you exactly as you are and to take interest in the way you step through life.

So lay on me your doubts, your troubles, your faux pas, your suffering, your sadness. Lay on me your hopes, your dreams, your excitements, your curiosities, your guilty pleasures.

I want to see you how you see yourself.

And while you tell me all of this and more, I would like to rest my eyes upon your eyes, and take my hand upon your back, and laugh up to the ceiling as you divulge, because it is in these moments of pure exposure that I bask in the ever-so-specific you, and I become the ever-so-specific me, and even though you’ve never stepped into the tides of the pacific and I’ve never ridden a skateboard, I am more sure than I’ve ever been that we are the same.

I don’t care if I see you everyday or if I see you only just the one time when I happened to be in that coffee shop and you happened to be making my drink (which was delicious, by the way, and thank you for not rolling your eyes when I asked if your only non-dairy milk was soy)—I want to be your lover.

And I will have the lover whom I share a bed with, and it will be none the less—on the contrary, that love will be all the more—because I take on another million lovers.

So if you’re ready, let me see you and let me love you.

My insides, my arm, my couch, my laugh, my eyes, my toes are all for you.

I hope that is enough.

Repairing

I have been thinking about how to repair things... not just things in my house, although, that's a part of it. But things in my life... things that need fixing in my internal self.

So I'd thought I'd spend some time thinking about those things that need repairing. Things I do not want to keep patching up over and over again.

This will not be a long meditation. It's more of a notice to myself to look at those places in my heart and soul that are in need of repair.  I need time away. I need internal time. I need stillness.

I can feel the coming of great gifts and I want to be more prepared than I am right now. What tripped me up in the past has to be laid to rest.  Old wounds have healed and I want them to stay healed. The repair work is minor. I've done the heavy stuff over the last few years. It is time to repair and move on from those small breaks and nuisances, so that they do not have the opportunity to become full fledged problems.

I am moving in such a good place.

Standing In The Place of Being Very Happy

It is amazing how I am moving in my life.  I am feeling a kind of strength and gratis that has eluded me for years. I'm on the COME UP in all areas of my life. And I love it.

I have zero tolerance for any and all bullshit... mine and others. I love that awareness!I have spent too much time with bullshitters and bullshit artists. Folks who put their own shit before my well being.

I am officially off the roller coaster of bullshit. I'm rolling along doing my thing. My professional life and personal life are in harmony with each other. I like the folks I'm hanging with... all positive, interesting and steadfast. I am finally meeting men who are interesting and well behaved and well read. I love smart men. I love men who appreciate and adore smart women. I love men who have no interest in controlling women... or me for that matter.

As the world turns and I bear witness to the madness, I am not consumed by it or daunted. I do what I can do, where I can do it. I find peace in that. I am connecting with people in a very authentic way.  I am finally meeting like-minded folks.

I am standing in the place of being very happy. It is my own choice. I prefer happiness. My life is reflecting where I am... whole... solid... happy and joyous. There is great pleasure in not being desperate in anything. I was desperate... afraid. Now I am not. I am creating a life that is so me, that I can't remember what I was afraid of.

Once I decided to give up accepting bullshit on all levels, my life changed for the better. Bullshit is about control, and lies and manipulation and emotional bullying. People who have fucked up lives are the first ones trying to get folks to do and be a certain way.  They have failed and yet, they want to force everyone in their circle down a destructive path. Crazy... I know. I know better now. I do better now. I am not replaying dramas. I am not trying to convince someone I am the best choice. I am not trying to hang in with someone who does not want me. I am done trying to convince folks of my value. I am done having those tired conversations of "You &Me" Fuck you... Fuck that. I am not wasting my time giving folks the time of day. An audience for their bullshit? Nope.

My life is good. Sweet. I am close to all my dreams. I am Happy.

Changing My S.O.S.

I live with a lot of stress and anxiety. I always have. I have learned over the years of my life  to manage and to carve out pockets of happiness and joy and love.

I am better now than I have ever been, but the shadows are always lurking.  I have to push myself beyond my comfort zones around intimacy and friendships. I never think about trusting people or not trusting people.I just don't dive in too deeply. I am a creature of time. The longer I know you the more I grow to trust you. If I get a sense that you are full of shit, I start backing away. I never come to people with a fakeness. I am who I am. I can be a bit much to take. Plus I like my solitude. And I don't like too many group things.

If it were not for my children and siblings, I would not know love fully. It takes everything I have to hold them and hug them and kiss them and check on them and be there emotionally for them. This is not a natural state of being for me. My emotional measures are dulled. I push for them because their need supersedes my fears. They mean more to me than my own self.

In my ever fantastic quest for a loveship... I keep hoping that my soul mate will show up and be of support on the journey ahead.  All I seem to meet are takers and users.  Perhaps that is the SOS I am putting out into the universe: I AM PREPARED TO PAY FOR YOUR COMPANY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.  This is the truth as I know it and experienced it.

There is a part of me, that wants someone to show up with their readiness to put me first. I've gotta change my S.O.S. because I believe what's coming back to me is a reflection of what I am putting out there. I know the red flags and I must acknowledge them.  Not, oh, I can overlook them because this person's other qualities makes up for them in other areas. Nope. Red flags are warnings for all areas!  The real talk is not accepting the red flags as cautions, but to see them as warnings and move on. There is no running the risk of missing out.  If I am sane and showing up as an adult, then I can require that in another person. Too many excuses as to why their life is the way it is, is not a bargaining tool. If they come with an unmanaged life, they are bringing that mess to me.

I see where I played to my lesser story in trying to fit someone into my life. If they can't get behind my dreams and aspirations... And they have no real concrete ones of their own.  That is a problem.  If people want to be in my life they act accordingly. They don't bully me, they don't whine, they don't act passive aggressive and they don't wear me down with their financial bullshit.

I am changing my S.O.S. It can't be one of desperation...I am not thirsty or drowning.  It can't be,  be with me by any means... I am not funding anyone's lifestyle.  What it must be is a call out to strength, kindness, affection, honesty, fidelity and truth. I must reflect these things boldly. I must quit making excuses for why my positives are not shining out and all the negatives keep showing up.  This is my internal and external work. I see what I am doing. I radiate out, but I pull in mess because I am not willing to throw back the mess and wait for the good stuff.  There is good stuff to be had! I gotta quit tangling my net with the mess!

I do not believe all the good ones are gone. I do not believe that my expectations are too high.

Off to live my greater bigger story!

Finding Myself

I held that belief often... disappearing would be best. I spent a lot of time exiling.  Sometimes I needed peace and quiet, most times because I was overwhelmed with everything and everyone.

Being found is romantic, but I have come to realize that being found is really an inner focus.  I wanted to find myself. I wanted to give myself permission to live the life of my dreams away from what other folks thought I should do.

Sometimes I thought I wanted to disappear, but all I really wanted was to find myself.

Talking to My Heart. Listening to My Heart.

“Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist 

I am still in my "The Alchemist" mood. I love when I am connected to a book. Connected in a way that I can feel my life shifting.  It is really amazing the clarity I've gained. It is the kind of insight that was buried deep within.  I second guessed myself, I stopped listening to my heart.

Why did I do that?  Listening to my heart has served me well my entire life.  My heart and intuition were God's connection to me and I stopped listening.  When the pain of things became so loud, I did all that I could to drown out the truth. I fucked up.  Now to recover and regroup and put my world back right.

Now that the fog is clearing I love the view.  I have always loved the view of my freedom.  The freedom to dream as big and as wide as I wanted to! How did I let that go?  I thought I was trading my freedom for love and happiness, but really it was stress, nagging, unhappiness and inequity. I knew this in my deepest part of my heart and soul, but I insisted on pressing on in madness. I did not trust my innerself.  I did not trust the truth. The energy that I invited in came with its own set of hopes, dreams and wishes.  They didn't however compliment mine. I came away feeling used, undermined and manipulated.  That is truth. It is my truth.  My experience.  My heart spilling out and telling me this is what it was.

Oh the fears are great. I had no idea they were so deeply entrenched.  I thought I was beyond that kind of fear.  I thought the shiny thing was real gold. And when I realized it wasn't gold, I tried my best to settle for the "fools gold".

I have thrown out the worst of the criticisms hurled at me. I am no longer paying for that kind of bullshit. And I will never again shut down my heart and intuition at the mere suggestion of someone who has not lived the very message they are using as a weapons against me and others. 

My heart has served me well.  My intuition has served me well.  I will never doubt what I know and feel ever again. There is nothing more sacred than my freedom.  The love that comes my way will welcome that, embrace it and encourage it.

I am talking to my heart.  I am listening to myself. Unafraid.

FEAR Costs

We do indeed get what we ask for.  The problem is so few are ready for it. (This is always about me and my bullshit)

As I look over my life in this moment, everything I've ever longed for I have.  Beautiful children, a  very beautiful man who LOVES me. A career path that is setting me up for my life's work. Strong family and amazing friends far and wide.

There is a realization that I am stepping into my destiny.

I am not prepared for the longings of my heart. And herein lies the long held secret....

I am allowing fear to have a bigger say in my destiny.

I am succumbing to the bullshit of fear and I feel like I am standing across the street watching my life disintegrate.  By my own hands I am destroying the very things I said I wanted.  It is gripping and nauseating all at once.  I see myself after the fact.... mean words, evil tempered, indifferent. I process this mess after the fact, after I torched the village.  After I have swung the machete and cut down those that I love to shreds.  And after a good period of time my cooler head shows up, I realized the destruction. This isn't how I want to live or be, or exist.

Now I am not suggesting that I eat shit and roll over. I gotta have some say.  I gotta be able to convey my thoughts and feelings.  I am talking about the delivery, not silencing the message. The delivery is destructive.  The ego is the problem. The resistance to submission of what is right and true and good and in God's favor.

This a depth I haven't been willing to reach.  And yet I have no choice but to keep on excavating because I want MORE! And whatever the cost of freedom and broad sweeping, grand love calls for a kind of fearlessness that I never thought I could get to.  Yet, here I am digging for more.

So afraid, so tired and so wanting the life of my dreams. I am understanding the need for prayer... I am not asking for miracles, although that would be fine.  What I want is greater ability to go deeper. What I want is less focus on my personal bullshit and more extending myself on the behalf of someone else.  But not as a doormat and silly foolish woman. A woman with guts and courage, who recognizes bullshit and fake fuckery.  But this isn't that. This isn't even close to that kind of bullshit.  This is about someone meeting me more than halfway with their heart on a platter... no secrets, no illusions, no games. Real transparency and honesty and vulnerability. This kind of maturity takes my breath away every day.

What I want is to open myself to true love, not the princess fairy-tale shit that asks nothing... gives nothing and everything is hinged on a damn kiss. I want a love that says I see you and all your bullshit and yet I want to be with you, near you, in you. A love that leaps and soars and gives until it hurts beyond measure. The kind of love that just is.

Fear costs. I thought I was done.  Debt paid.  What I am learning is that fear doesn't just leave you alone... like a persistent debt collector, it keeps at you.  With fear the debt can never be paid.  The key is understanding that I have the power to stamp myself debt free. I HAVE THE POWER!

Tomorrow is a new day.  A new opportunity to choose love over fear.  Love over fear regardless of what gifts fear comes bearing.  And make no mistake fear comes with gifts otherwise why the fuck do I keep entertaining and inviting fear into my sacred spaces? Fear costs and I've been paying for so long, I feel guilty letting go. There is something to be said about holding onto pain.  It is self-serving, even if I refuse to own that.

We get what we want and often we are unprepared for the actual getting of our heart's desires.

The grace is knowing that and divinely seeking to change that mindset. I am.

I am.

Temporary. SShhh I Need Peace & Quiet

Love calls me to try.  And Try. And try again.

Love calls me to surrender... not my beliefs, or my hard earned confidence.

Love calls me to lay down my "I" for the "We"

The fear of that is almost crippling.  It isn't about trust so much as it is about the uncertainty of someone else having that kind of power over my well-being.  Even if that someone is someonr I've know a lifetime.

I want to be cared for and taken care of.  I want to be thought of first.  I want to be loved beyond measure.

I can indeed care and take care of someone's heart and soul.  I can indeed put someone else first.  I can love beyond measure.

I am walking in the quiet spaces of my life at the moment.  There is no energy for argument or well made points. I can't see another side to shit right now. I can't even talk about what my feelings are.  This is real relationship fatigue.  I need quiet.  I am not running away or denying there isn't more to say.  Just right now, I need wide open spaces.  Hang in if you can, or make your way in the world without me.  I just can't talk about you and me.

I love you for my life, you are a friend of mine.... Donnie Hathaway.  Give me the room, space and distance I need to grow, and come back more ready.  Today and tomorrow, I can't open up for you.  and no, I don't want to have you open up to me.

Temporary.  It is all temporary.
SShhh.  I need Peace. Quiet.

The world is too loud and your added frustrations make the world even louder. This is not a breaking up of any sort.  It is about moving in an Entirely New Direction... E.N.D.

I am not gone.  I am right here in the day-to-day with you, distracted, present, loving, mean, afraid, courageous.  The ebb and flow of life and the routines that keeps us all sane, grounded and safe.

Temporary.

I Remember Myself

I just can't keep talking about "Our Plan for Our Life"  I just can't stand hearing how I am once again not doing my part... more... less...  I just can't stand in the harsh light of ongoing criticism.

DO YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING WORKING? ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME, US, MY KIDS?

Resentment is creeping in.  Weariness is creeping in.  Falling out of love, but always loved shows up.  I daydream of love that sweeps me up and takes my breath away.  A love that doesn't care too much for order and disarray.  I want to hear I'm doing a good job.  That I am raising  fine children.  This sounds like I've let doubt in.  How is that possible? I despise women who sell out for a man's affection/approval/acknowledgement. I hate the way my kids look at me after an argument with the Potential Mr. Babz... like I'm selling out... weak... brow beaten. If they see me defeated in my spirit it sends the message that I have no voice.  I see it and it makes me ashamed. This is not who I am.

So I've retreated deep into my heart.  I just can't talk anymore about an Us that does not exist.  If I hear "30 days of consistent effort" I will scream so loud the heavens will think Christ is ready to reveal he has returned.

I want a different life. And I cannot be manipulated into a different sort of life of routine and mundane chores and order.  I want disorder bordering on chaos.  I want art supplies all over the place so if the mood strikes we could create something... anything that strikes our fancy!  I want a home that invites the artists and the intellects together! I want a spiritually grounded space, with incense and jazz.  I want a wine collection. I want cut flowers in every room! I want vibrancy and provocative talk at dinner and lots and lots and lots of laughter!

I want a Christmas tree in my bedroom this year!  Hell, I want a tree in every room!

I want sheer JOY!  You can't get that through constant unrelenting whining about mundane shit.  I am relationship fatigued.

I am remembering who I am.  I am reconnecting to my badd ass self.  I remember myself.  The woman who was.. is fearless and talkative and bold.  The plan for my life is no plan at all.  I want my children to know that and understand that. Life is short.  I want them to have enough of a plan so they're never homeless, or hungry or doubting your ability to do anything at all. But be disciplined in your dreams. Work for your dreams.  Hustle for your dreams and don't let anyone tell you No, or you can't or that you can't achieve your dreams.

I am remembering myself. Conqueror. Woman of many talents. The conversation has to be different, the tone, content, and energy has to be different. I have to be able to come to the discussion from abundance and not lack.  I can't ever stand in the space of lack.  I lack nothing... not courage, not common sense, not willpower, not focus, not discipline, not intellect, not hope, not love.  I lack nothing.  God has equipped me with tools beyond measure.  I am remembering who I am.

I am remembering who I am.  I am OK taking this life's journey alone... God always has my back.

Where I'm At

Trying to do my best to be in this life.  To move through the world with a modicum of self respect and dignity.
People will hurt you if you let them.  The trick is to care more about what I say and believe than what they say and believe.

I do think I am on the right path.  I find joy and passion in my everyday practical life.  But I find I need a great deal of motivational talk.  I gotta stay filled with all the good and divine stuff otherwise I am seduced by the dark under current of lack and worthlessness.

I am coming from under my own funk. This is fighting back!

I am the Magic

 

As I reflect on my intentional transformation, I am realizing what I've deeply held in my spirit...

I am the one that is the magic.  God has equipped me with all that I need.  God has left gifts and pearls of wisdom in my path.  My path is illuminated.

Path illuming 

as I move as God would have me.

I am the magic

Indeed.