Where I've Been... Summer Joy and More

As I have  gotten older I have come to LOVE Summer. The hot and hazy days, bare feet, sun dresses and getting blacker!

Going to Jamaica was my reset. Honest to Gawd! I spent a week in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica. Landed in Kingston, which to my sheer delight was Blackity-Black-Black! I travelled with women I adore and love to the nth degree. I needed Jamaica more than I realized. Karaine Holness, captain of my Glam Squad and proprietor of the swankiest hair salon in town, HK; is the founder of Sistahs Jammin. Since 1999 she has been shepherding Sistahs to her homeland of Jamaica for much needed self care! I've been wanting to go for years and this year was my time!

Lawd, Black Jesus! Oh what a hair raising drive up the mountain. But once up there, you could clearly see God's magnificence. Lushness everywhere! Paradise. Seriously, paradise!

I slept better, I ate better, I dreamed better, I rested better, I was just better with each day.

Now I am back. Have been for a few weeks now. The effects of Jamaica are still in me. There is a new perspective on how I want to be in the world. Less stress and more ease. I am chasing peace in my spirit, in my life, in my deeds and actions.  I really cannot tolerate people who come with chaos and drama. That includes children. That includes potential lovers. That includes friends.

As I move through this life I am defining what peace is. I am defining what peace looks like in my day-to-day being. I have come far and wide to this notion of peace and how I want it to show up in my life. Good friends who bring peace and understanding. Potential lovers who bring peace and acceptance and understanding. Children are a mixed bag, but they do not get a pass.  They are being reoriented to my desire for peace. Soon they will be carving out places of peace in their own lives. And they will hopefully come to understand my desires and the choices I made for myself. Momming ain't easy!

Oh the challenges are still there. I am still on the front lines of battles and responsibilities and things needing my immediate attention. My reset has opened the door toward responding from a place of peace rather than anxiety and stress. Using anxiety and stress channeled in such a way that I am not hopeless, desperate and exhausted.

Time has always been at a premium and in excess. That is life. Enjoy what you can, plan where you can, deal with whatever shows up and stay in prayer about everything.

Serendipity Holistic Spa Retreat
Jamaica 

Markeshia, Dr. Jackie, Sharon! Kariane and me! A day at the beach down from the mountain!

The Care of Me...

It's time for a break. I am too EXTRA. And by extra, I mean TIRED.

I know how loaded October (Both parents birthdays, Mothers death anniversary, My wedding anniversary, adoption anniversary, prison time served, award received) is for me. I thought I could just press on. But I am tired of pressing on.

I am tired. Battle fatigued. And unbelievably lonely.

This was my Facebook post... It wrote itself...

We have to make room for fragility. We cannot be strong all the time. And We cannot put that limitless expectation on ourselves. I have to be allowed to fall to the ground sobbing. I have to be allowed to wallow in the deep end of pain, I have to allow myself permission to surrender to the truth of how bad I hurt. And how lonely I am. I am tired of being the beggar of peace and joy and connection. #BabzMatters

I need some quiet time, otherwise I am going to die.

I can't seem to get out from under things. I seem to keep going around and around. The same struggles. Always the same struggles. What the fuck am I doing wrong? What lesson(s) am I not getting, because I swear, I've been in this place before. I know enough that the lesson is repeated until it's learned.

There is so much good happening and yet I seem to be getting farther and farther away from the things I want... The life I want. How is this possible? Is this failure?  Am I failing in my life? It feels like it. I can't seem to stop crying. The aloneness is deafening.

How do I take care of me? I used to know. But now I am just drowning and drifting further away from the things that sustained and nurtured me.

Time to take better care of me. Tune out and turn off the noise. I don't know what I can do about the loneliness... But I certainly can rejuvenate, rest and reconnect back to myself. Yes, that is needed.