Closing Some Doors

I am walking through some doors and I am not looking back and when they swing shut, they will remain shut.

There is no sense in hovering in the doorway waiting for a good enough reason to come in and stay.  There is no sense in hovering in the doorway looking for any reason to flee. I am tired of doorways... I want to come in and be warm and welcomed.

I am making my moves based on what I need for the road ahead today... right now. I do not have to convince myself to do anything except be brave and honor my heart and mind and soul.  With as much clarity as dreams can hold and be, I am discovering more of what I want.

The push back from the world and my audience of naysayers (well-meaning, but not meaning well) can cloud my vision if I let them. I used to let them. I am seeing past all that mess, looking to the horizon.

Oh Babz, Gurl where you wanna be, what you wanna do? Ugh. I swear I feel all gived out. I want to be more selfish. I want to rescue me more. I want to tend to my creative spirit a bit more. It always seems the day catches me short and my little wishes and pleasures get shelved for another day. Yes, that is the mother's reality for awhile until they grow up and on.  Maybe I am feeling the shift of my children growing up and on... and I can see little pieces of time freeing up and the more I see the more I want until I can hardly bear the confines of routine and responsibility and commitment. Oh another door is closing...slowly for sure, but closing all the same.

I am embracing all kinds of uncertainty... last year I was terrified of more loss and more hardship. That door has closed too. The fears are at bay and I no longer feel urgent...rushed..panicked or totally scared. Eh.

Off to enjoy the rest of this glorious day. Opening the door to rest and relaxation.

WHO YOU WAITING FOR?

I am done waiting for Monday, love, better weather, more time, slimmer me, happier me.  I am always waiting.  When did I become a person to wait on anything?  I think this is another definition of being stuck.  And being lazy.  Yes I said it, LAZY!  I know what needs to be done, but I spend an exorbitant amount of time talking myself out of stuff, and I don't mean silly things, I mean things that could make my life better, happier, more joyous!  I decide to get up to work out at sunrise, when the day breaks I start back peddling, "Oh I can get my work out in later" or "gosh, I got to bed so late I am tired".  Who am I waiting for?  Seriously.  On paper it looks like a crock of shit.  In my head it seems reasonable and believable.  I am my own problem.  Seriously.  I say I want to do XYZ and then I just do nothing to accomplish XYZ.  Again, what am I waiting for?  Who am I waiting for?

The thing to do, is TO DO... Right NOW!  Too much intellectualizing.  Too much trying to organize it in my head.  Too much talking about what I am going to do and not enough of me doing anything!  If I want to change this body, then I have to get off my ass and move it.  If I want a lucrative business than I gotta light the fire myself and get to burning energy!  If I want to be in love than I gotta be in love.  It's all on me to bust a move in any direction.  In any direction forward is a good move.  And if it isn't I can move some more...in an entirely new direction (END).

The magic dwells within.  The saviour dwells within.  Love dwells within. 

This is my last day of waiting for someone other than myself to do my work. 

TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY AGAIN

I am not a quitter.  Oh, I do know how to walk the hell away from people, places and things that do not uplift my spirit or bring joy to my life.  However, I am not a quitter.  If I know I didn't give something my all, then I regroup, recharge and come at it again. Sometimes it takes a gazillion tries to get to a real sense of accomplishment.  I am cool with that.  My strength lies in my tenacity.  I am not afraid of much in this world. 

My fears are a different story.  They, (my fears) as I said many times on this blog are seductive.  They woo me like a desperate lover.  It takes a great deal of courage to shush the voices of negative thinking and talk out of one's environment.  I am courageous.  I am fearless on so many levels.  I like my inner grace.  I am resolute in my vision for my life.  I am not afraid to try, try, try, try, try again.

I am standing in the place of Try Again saving my house, saving my loveship, saving money, saving my peace of mind.  The difference in this moment is the sense of all shall be well.  I do not feel anxious or discouraged.  I feel empowered and steadfast.  I love this feeling.  I feel like I am climbing Mount Everest again with success as my goal.  It doesn't matter that I've been here before at base camp.  I learned a few things from the last time I attempted this climb.  You see that's the gift!  Not that I am back at base camp, but that I am back trying again with more tools and more support and more confidence than ever before.

I am not a quitter.  I will always try, try, try, try.  try again.

ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION: I CAN WRITE THE STORY I WANT!

I am responsible for my happiness and unhappiness.  I can mope around with fear, sadness and self loathing, or I can count my blessings, chase the day and smile.  I no longer want to go on and on about how I was wronged, abandoned and divorced by my then husband.  The story is OVER!  I am writing a new story of connecting and co-parenting with him.  He is getting married next month.  He is excited and happy.  I am truly excited and happy for him.  I have released that story of the wronged wife. I am crafting a new chapter filled with love, laughter and real joy!

I am a convicted felon. I committed a white-collar crime in 2003. I was sentenced in 2007.  I served time for it in a federal prison camp, spent 5 months home confinement with an ankle bracelet and 3 years of supervised release which will be completed in a few short months. I am done telling this story as if it happened yesterday.  I am done holding the shame of this past mistake. I am moving on.  I am writing a new chapter in this book of my life. I have served my time.  I have paid a very high price and nearly lost everything of value to me.  I am done telling this story as if that's all there is to who I am.

I am tired of thinking about this weight.  I am tired of measuring my happiness based on the number staring back at me from the scale. Fuck that scale. I am done with putting off happiness until I get to a size whatever. I am done saying "when I loss the weight I will".  I will do what I want to do right now in this weight with this body. I am closing this chapter of body shame and writing a new one on body love as is!

I am moving in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION. I have spent enough time wallowing in my pain, pity and shame long enough.  I have put my time in.  I am ready to do things differently.  To charge forward with a renewed sense of possibilities.  I am cutting my ties to wallowing in those stories.  I will get married again.  The ex can't have that kind of power over me.  I refuse to be tied to a story about how that marriage ended and to allow it to be the blueprint for the rest of my life. NO.  I am going to build a brand and business that suites me, being a felon will not stop me from making a living. NO.  This weight is not all that makes me, ME. NO. 

I am Amazing. Wonderful. Talented. Brilliant. Beautiful. Smart. Charming. Lovable. Lovely. Funny. Caring. Considerate. Happy. Peaceful. Silly. Sexy. Intelligent. Witty. Sassy. Gracious. Kind. Generous.  This is my new story as I move in an entirely new direction, one that I want to write.

A HIGH HONOR: PUBLIC SERVICE

To me, being elected to public office is the highest honor of community service there is. I had the pleasure and honor of being elected twice. There is nothing like public service. Feeling and believing you can make the difference on behalf of your neighbors is profound. I had the opportunity to craft and co-sign legislation that made a difference in my communities.

I had the distinct pleasure as serving as Police Commissioner too. Being an advocate for the men and women who serve our police force was one that I am most proud of. Everyday these brave and courageous men and women put on that Blue uniform and go out to serve and protect. That is admirable.

My commitment to community has been a wide range of services From running a rape crisis hotline, to serving meals to the sick and shut-in with HIV/AIDS, to working with women and families who were safely tucked away because of domestic violence. I have served on various local and national Boards for organizations committed to children issues, family issues and community building issues.

I must say I am most proudest of my commitment to community, church and neighborhood. These are the pillars that sustain me and keep my spirit afloat.

Friday, I will finish posting some of my successes. My life is amazing...extraordinary. It is easy to lose sight of the things that are important as you get caught up in all the things you have done wrong in your life. Sometimes the price you pay is too high...or too too much. The gift is holding your head UP and being present in this moment. There are no do-overs! The past is behind you. We know this, and yet we dwell...get stuck on what was and then turn them into what ifs.

I am celebrating this life and owning my successes as I bear witness to the losses.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: MOTHERHOOD THE ULTIMATE SUCCESS

I knew early on that I could not bear children; the abuse that I suffered as a child shattered my uterus. So I never really imagined myself with children. I did hope that if I did get married I would marry a man with children. Well I did get married and he had one daughter from his first marriage. I thought this was a great blessing. I could be a wonderful stepmother. I was a thoughtful, caring step-mother...if only she had better biological parents...LOL!

When we thought I was pregnant and found out that I was not, we were profoundly sad. So sad that we began thinking that children might be in our future. I starting jumping through infertility hoops. I mean so much time had passed since the orginal prognosis of infertility. I was no longer a kid. Medical technology had come a long way. Maybe. I had two surgeries to try to repair the uterus. I had tumors removed. I did the shots. I did the turkey baster and the sperm. You name it we did it. At the same time my husband(soon-to-be EX) suggested we look at adoption. The minute he said it, it was like the universe just opened up. The One Church One Child program was looking to recruit African-American families to adopt African-American children. We completed the course and became certified parents. Within weeks we started looking at children. Our first daughter arrived when she just turned 3 years old, Briana Lorraine (Lorraine is my Sister's name). We lavished her with all our love for 2 years before Margeaux arrived. Before Margeaux arrived I went to see another infertility specialist, who gave me a 2% chance of getting pregnant. We tried it all again. Finally I said enough. I dropped the remaining infertility drugs off to my Doctor to donate. By the time I got home that afternoon, we got a call about a newborn....we named her Margeaux Helena, after my Mom and my mother-in-law.

Next came Khalil Ross...named after his Father...my ex--it is his Muslim name and his English middle name, then Gregory Lockhart...Lockhart is my brother's middle name--one that is traced back to the time of slavery through our father and grand-father and great-grandfather and so on. Each child has their own story of abuse and abandonment. Stories that no child should have to experience.

It has been a joy that cannot be put into words. It is love that I have longed to have. I have found myself in these 4 children. They have saved my life and given me purpose and a fearlessness that I did not have before. I wanted more children. But that dream is quickly fading. I could if I had the means, adopt a couple more children (smile). Every child ought to have a decent and loving home. Every child needs to be loved and protected and cared about. This is my greatest success...providing a safe, and happy environment where they are loved and cared for all the time.

Don't get me wrong everyday is not a picnic. I scream and yell and may say a bad word or two, but at the end of the day I am their mother and they are my children and nothing and no one will harm them while I have breathe in my body. I know when I climb those stairs at night and peek in on each one, tucking covers, picking teddy bears and dolls up, moving books out beds and kissing foreheads, I know that whatever I have done and will do in my life will pale in comparison to raising these 4 amazing children.

So tomorrow I will finish up talking about some of my successes in my life. The effects of doing this is beginning to get me to think differently about who I am. That is a very good thing.

VOLUNTEERING INTO JOBS...MORE SUCCESSES

In my life, whenever I wanted to do something, I would just go and do it. That's how I was. It never occurred to me that I couldn't do something.

When I wanted to be a reporter for a new Black newspaper here, I just showed up and asked if I could volunteer to help out, to learn. They said yes. Soon I was hired. I loved it. I went to the Democratic National Convention when it was in New York City as Press in 1992. Bill Clinton was the nominee. It would be several years later before I would meet Bill Clinton again. This time I met him in the Oval Office to receive an award.

I once heard a speaker at a NAACP event talking about HIV and AIDS. He asked what will you say when they ask what did you do to help in your lifetime? That question stayed with me for weeks. I went to our AIDS Project and volunteered to deliver meals to people who were sick and shut in. I loved it. I got so involved in coordinating the other drivers and volunteers that they offered me the job of coordinator of the meal delivery program, Caring Cuisine. I grew the volunteer base, got them into a new kitchen with upgrades and raised a little money to do more. They offered me the job of Director of Volunteer Services for the entire agency. I accepted. I created a safe way to intake volunteers. I set up a comprehensive volunteer training program. I got work-study students from Yale. I expanded areas in which folks could volunteer. I ran support groups. And helped raise money.

I was never looking for a job. I just wanted to help, or I wanted the experience. Often I just heard the call and I responded. God has always whispered in my ear. Sometimes I would listen and follow the directions. Sometimes I would not, and would turn away from God's plan.

Looking back at this big life and laying out what I think are my successes has been very illuminating. Thinking about things I haven't thought of in years and years. Remembering times and places and feelings.

There is more...lots more. LOL!

QUEEN, VP, DIRECTOR, MODEL OH MY! MORE SUCCESSES.

If you know anything about Historically Black Colleges (HBCU's) then you know Queens, Pageants, homecoming are BIG DEALS!

I ran and won Miss United Negro College Fund (UNCF) now this is second only to the Homecoming Queen and each club, sorority and fraternity had their own queens that made up the homecoming Queen's court. As a northern girl, I had no knowledge of all this pageantry until I got to college in the south. Man it was thrilling. Don't ask me how I got rooked into this hoopla. My sophomore year, my then boyfriend/fiancee suggested that I do it. My talent...I recited Nikki Giovanni's poem "Ego Tripping" It was wonderful. So much so our College President created a debate team and a oratory team. Anyway, my photo was in Ebony magazine, I went to NYC to tape the UNCF telethon. I hosted the telethon in my city on our local station and I shot a national psa for UNCF that ran all night long on the telethon.

I was nominated for President of the Student Government Association (SGA). I declined. I said I would run as vice president. My Soror stepped in and we ran together on one ticket. We won. we served 1 two year term. Under our term we had a jammin' homecoming. We booked the SOS Band. Ok keep in mind this is the early 1980's LOL! We hosted a large voter registration drive. We invited Reverend Jessie Jackson and Andrew Young. They came and supported our efforts. I went on a bus trip with Rev Jackson and Andrew Young throughout the south registering voters in rural sourthern states. It was an experience that changed my life and got me squarely on the road to public service.

While in College, I directed my first and only play. A Raisin in the Sun, by Lorraine Hansberry. It was an amazing thing. We built a set---by real contractors, we auditioned students, we rehearsed and we opened to great success and press and we made money that of course went toward UNCF. I was asked to continue directing. I declined. I did it once I was happy and thrilled but I had had enough. It was a grueling schedule, lots of drama from the school administration and it took me away form other interests. Theatre is not my thing. Not as director, or actor. I do however love to go to the theatre and watch and enjoy.

I am 5"8' tall. In college I was a a perfect size 14. This made me attractive to department stores as a full size model. You get asked often enough you do it. So I started modeling here at home for Macy's, and local boutiques on school breaks. When I got back to school I would do it for Belk's and other boutiques. We had a modeling club and I got rooked into that. That got on my nerves...the modeling club. Because all the students involved were obnoxious and conceited and I certainly did not fit in there. But I did it as a favor to a friend and I had a crush on one of the guys. This Brother was fine as hell! But he was stupid as hell and I couldn't stand that. So we never got together. I must say modeling kept me in really nice clothes that I couldn't otherwise afford. That was my real motivation.

When I was....

Thinking about my life and all the things I deem successes is weird. There are things that I have long forgotten and when brought to the forefront I am like COOL! Yes I did that!

So I am going to lay out a few of my successes. Things that I think are significant only to me. I have friends and family who will gently remind me of things they think I have forgotten or just refused to acknowledge..LOL!

When I was 7, 8, 9, 10 years old I was a city-wide chess champion. I still play chess today and have started to teach my children. I taught my brothers and sister to play and they are really good.

I learned to play tennis when I was 12 years old. I was exceptionally good. By the time I got to High School, I was co-Captain of the Jr. Varsity Men's Tennis Team and Co-Captain of the Women's Varsity Tennis Team. Yes I had a lot of press about turning Pro. I have not played tennis in many many years. My daughter Briana started learning to play a couple of years back. However, basketball has become her passion.

I had my own business when I was 13 years old. A Babysitting and cleaning business; complete with business cards and flyer's. I would help women around the neighborhood with housework. I charged $5.00 a basket of laundry to iron. I would charge $20.00 to vacuum carpets, sweep floors and stairs, clean the kitchen and bathroom. I kept money in my pocket. I babysat after school. Weekends were the best!

In High School I transferred out of electronics into culinary arts. I won my first award my sophomore year at a nationally ranked Food exhibition....very similar to the Food Network cooking competitions. I won first place for a student. I made a Gallantine of Capon which is a forced meat dish (it took weeks to plan and execute). It was layed out beautifully on a gilded frame mirror the size of a small country. I also got honorable mention in sugar sculpture, working with marzipan and fondant. I have won all sorts of cooking awards all through out my High School career. I had dreams of becoming a chef on a cruise ship...LOL!

OK tomorrow more successes!