And Why Do I Want God To Rescue Me?

It has been my experience in my life that when I dragged my feet on any decision that had to be made... life would make the decision for me.

As I look at my life I can see every example of this.  I can see every fear based, paralyzing decision I couldn't make.  I used to think it was all sort of coincidence, but as I stepped closer to God and immersed myself in my faith, I now know that God had to do the intervening.  For better or for worse in my estimation,  God always works for the greater good even though I couldn't see that at the time.

So today I find myself begging God to rescue me from squandering my talents, wasting my time and not going after my heart's desire.  I am still not sure of the truth I see before me.... I am still looking off into the distance for something else.  I used to think it was something more... but I sense it's all about something else. Something else that I long for that I can't quite grasp.  In my dreams and waking moments I can see the peace-love-holiness I desire, seek and crave. 

At 50 I am acutely aware of time... not in hours or minutes, but having enough time to do all that I dream to do.  Time is a luxury, as are day dreams and waking thoughts of fantasy.  But time also inspires and ignites passions.  If not now, when? That's a time motivated statement.

So perhaps revisiting lists... The love List, the 1000 things I want to do before I die and perhaps a newer list of all the things that scare me to paralysis.

OK, so this is what I am taking to prayer: Why do I need God to rescue me? And am I being the best me outside of fear?

LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY

Everything good and bad going on in my life now and 20 years ago is reflected in my body. I am carrying every good time, every celebration, every happy event, everything wonderful. I am also carrying every heartache, every injustice, every abuse, every childhood wound, every lost opportunity, every fight, every-falling-out-with-someone, every annoyance, every depressed feeling(s), every fear.

I am tired of carrying all this weight...good and bad. It is time to break out and let go. Say goodbye to this weight. Seriously let this armor go. Put it away, lose it. I am tired of trying to cover this body, hiding it under tents, big shirts and swing jackets. I am tired of not looking at myself in the mirror for long periods of time. I look at my face, but only glance at the rest of me.

I want to push this body to see what it can do. I want to reverse the clock and stave off diabetes. I want to see a thinner, healthier me. I want to wear yoga pants and not have to wear a long sweeping shirt to my knees! I want to rock garters again! I am not happy with this body. I love myself and I love who I am and who I am becoming. But I am not in love with this weight. I am overweight. I have been in this place before of starting a plan to lose this weight. I have started before with motivation and enthusiasm. I have been here before. (My Last Year Being Fat)(My Last Year Being Fat 2009)

What is different now is I am truly excited about losing this weight. I need to own my worth and be diligent in putting myself first on my list. I thought perhaps I would create a new blog to capture my progress. But I think once a week here...on Losing Weight Wednesday will be just enough sharing and celebrating my progress. I got a goal and a plan and come May 2, 2010 (my birthday) I will have reached one of my weight-loss goals!

Every Wednesday I am going to share where I am in my plan, spiritually, emotionally and physically....cue up the music (ooops I gotta find some theme music!)

GOODBYE BLOGGING...FOR AWHILE...A GOOD LONG WHILE

I am giving up this blog for a while. A long good while. I need to get out into the world and talk to people face to face. I need to get out and walk around, explore. I need to leave the safety and comfort of my computer and make love.

I've been at this for a long time now and I love it. But I need to strengthen my other writing skills. I need to immerse myself in cooking, reading for pleasure and continue learning the tango and drinking wine and entertaining friends and making love.

This Summer was beautiful. I feel in love and I loved the way I felt. I reconnected with a old friend and we made passionate explosive love. We fell out. I misunderstood him and he tried to learn who I am now. I loved the way I felt being in love. I need to get out and fall in love some more.

I am leaving this blog and Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio. I want to put more effort into LoveTalk, my blogtalk radio show. I want to put more energy into PChats my erotic writing blog. I am studying in The School of Spirituality and I love it and feel at home and at peace talking about the Divine with other seekers on the path to enlightenment.

I will be back to blogging. But right now I need to live what I blog. I have to become love and live love. I need to stop talking about love at this level and really get out from behind my computer and live love. I plan on revisiting my archives. I want to reread my blogging history and reconnect with what I wrote from the beginning.

I've got new ventures to launch and love to make. I'll be back.

THE SMALL SPACE OF GRACE

I am in the small space. Fear has not creeped in nor has doubt. I am still steps ahead. I am very conscious of my thoughts and I am deliberate in my actions. I am purposeful in speaking lovingly to everyone. I am behaving my way into happiness. I refuse to be afraid of tomorrow. I am refusing to be afraid right now. I am in the small space. The world and all her noise cannot fit in here with me. I am safe.

I find myself in constant prayer, asking GOD for guidance and stillness. Asking GOD for more light, always more light. On my knees not as a beggar, but as someone in awe of the grace I have known thus far. I am Divine. My prayers are slow and deliberate. They are without anxiety. I go to GOD as my friend, expecting the miracles. Expecting the path to be illuminated.

I am not a woman alone. I am a woman of many talents. I am intelligent, smart, charming and daring. This is my in between time, my meantime. What will I do next? What do I want to do?

I am in the small space of grace. It is where I hear my own heart beat and I am grateful to hear it and feel it. The endless lonely nights are not wasted and though I long for the comfort of a lover to lie with, I know that God's love is all encompassing and sustaining. It is the lamp upon my path, the warmth of the sun upon my face. God's grace is the love in me that connects with the world.

In the small space of grace, is where my salvation is nurtured, love is cultivated and the divinity celebrates within in me. This joy proves that I will be alright.

Resuming The 1000 Things I want to Do Before I Die:
70. Build a model dollhouse..complete with lights & furntiure.
71. Cut Off All My Hair* (cut off locs a month ago)
72. Take Ballet Class
73. Drive Across The Golden Gate Bridge* (Thanks Princess Tinybutt)
*Things I have done since I started compiling the list...SMILE.

BROTHERLY LOVE...

Friday afternoon my Brother and I were chatting as I was prepping for the cook-out on Saturday. The conversation went like this:
Bob-O: So when was the last time you were out getting your swerve on?
Me: You talking to me...laughing.
Bob-O: You need to get out. You need to go on a date. You need to get laid!
Me: Shut-up.
Bob-O: I am just saying you need to get a life.
Me: Negro I have a life and a pretty damn good one. I have this, that and the other thing going on and I am busy and I am doing, and I am....
Bob-O: You need a life that includes dating, sex and more sex.
Me: SHUT-UP!

Saturday Night the cook-out is in full swing. My Brother chimes in again with this You need a life shit, but only this time he has an audience, my Brother Mikie, his wife Bev, and my Sister-friends JB and RG, my Soror.

Bob-O: She needs to get out, leave these children and go have some real fun!
Mikie: Sis, we can take the kids, go on go somewhere!
Bev: Whip out that black book and make a few calls...you need a booty-call(s)!
JB: Sleeping in that big bed every night can be sad. It is sad. I understand it. I have been there.
RG: You need to get out there. You are an amazing woman. Someone is in need of an amazing woman.

So what does out there mean? The only black book I have is my day planner filled with immunization dates, upcoming Drs. appointments and days when school is out. I have been out of the dating world for 12 almost 13 years. I have not seen another naked man in all that time, nor has one seen me! I am not afraid to date. I just don't know who I would date? I mean my tolerance for foolishness is very very low. I can't imagine playing silly games and being coy. Flirting I can do, witty repartee I can do. But chasing men, dumbing down for men...awww NO. I will even wear stilettos occasionally...even I think stilettos are sexy...occasionally.

Yesterday, talking with my Sister-friend JB as we were recapping my Brother's stand-up routine about me. I realized that what he said hurt my feelings. Not in a mean way, but in a sad way. Sad because he is right. I am so busy creating this solid life for my children and their well-being, that I am neglecting my own well being. Yes, I am walking in my truths and I learning to love more fully. But what does that mean in the absence of application of these life lessons. Hhhmmm.

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
66. Try every position in the Karma Sutra.
67. Change a tire.
68. Grow heirloom tomatoes.
69. Go on a date(s).

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I GOT MY OWN POWER TOOLS AND I KNOW HOW TO USE THEM!

Since my ex husband left. My children have been paying close attention to what is NOT being taken care of at our house. The Yard, back and front. My EX always took care of the yard. He was very competitive about it with our neighbors...MEN. Anyway, he would start early, lay out all equipment and tools. I would make pitcher of ice water and serve him periodically as he worked. But now all that is over and the yards are my responsibility. I was very reluctant to even deal with the outside of my house. I felt inadequate. Then my kids started with "Why Don't you Call Daddy" "Daddy knows how to take care of the yard" Well shit, that's all the motivation I needed to reclaim MY YARD!

I decided as the GROWN WOMAN/Warrior Queen of this castle I cut the grass, cleaned out the shed and inventoried all the tools that were left behind. I bought and built a new lawn mower, I already have all manner of rakes, and other gardening tools....and I am learning their use. OK, I did freak out when I found a dead bird in my shed---that required a call to my Brother BOB-O to come and get it out. I am brave, but even I have my limits! I cleaned my gas grill, repaired it and got it up and running. I bought new patio furniture, a new hammock, new umbrellas and new outside dishes!

I hired a guy to clean out my front flower beds...they look amazing. I am planting ROSES! PEONIES and what ever else I see. I am taking back my yard!

The truth of the matter is, I needed my children to see and understand that I can take care of things. That I have power tools and I know how to use them! That with a determined spirit, a good computer and a phone, you can do anything. So when I heard them talking to their friends on the front porch yesterday, I heard them say "Our Mom can do anything She is very brave'! I went to tears because if nothing else they need to know that nothing is out of their reach! I know it too, I got a yard that is starting to look really good and I did it!

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
60. Have a big celebration wedding with peacocks, doves, African Drummers, and lots of music! ( I was married at City Hall with a JP on my lunch hour)
61. Grow a variety of Roses (Thanks KO Johnson!for R Is For Roses)
62. Cruise the Mediterranean
63. Take my kids to Disney (sigh)
64. Take a family photo with my Sister and Brothers and our kids.

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY:MY PRAYERFUL LIFE

God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers, and thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face, a gauntlet with a gift in it.

...Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I saw this over at my favorite artisan Sister, The Artist In Me. When I saw it I knew instantly that God was talking to me...directly. I needed that message, that verse. It got me thinking about my prayerful life. It got me thinking about my life in this moment. I can feel the greatness all around me. I can feel the warmth of love and kindness and joy. I feel it. I feel it in all my interactions with people. I feel it in my telephone conversations, I feel it in my blog community. My prayers are answered. Are being answered. There is joy and peace and laughter. Deep, rich and full laughter. I caught myself the other day on the phone with My Crush and I was laughing a deep throaty laughter. My prayers have been answered...I am laughing again.

My prayers are not negotiations with God. I simply ask for the path to be illuminated further. I ask for stillness, I ask for clarity in my decision making. I ask to recognize love that IS. My prayers are sacred and personal. I ask for others that they may find love, peace, joy and laughter.

I am in this moment fully aware that my prayers are answered. My prayers are being answered.

1000 Things I want To Do Before I Die:
56. Make the Forbes list of Wealthiest People in the World
57. Milk a Cow.
58. See the Fashion Shows in Milan.
59. Own a house on the beach/shore

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: DRAMA

I know something about drama. Hell, I know a great deal about drama. The last few years have been DRAMA filled, at every turn. The tides have turned and the drama has considerably subsided in my life. I am moving in a place of less stress, less worry and less drama. I choose to leave drama behind. I choose Love.

There is always stuff going on that can pull you out of your element, your place of peace. There are so many opportunities to get caught up in stuff that really does not need my input. However I am human. If you bring drama to my friends, you are bringing drama to me. I have not run from a fight since I was 7 years old when this girl named Sylvia chased me home. My Mother and our neighbor Miss Channie made me go back outside and face that girl. My Mother said: you can either fight that girl and stop running, or you can come in the house and get you butt whopped by me! I opted to stand up and face Sylvia. I never had a problem from her again. As a matter of fact we grew up to be half-way decent friends.

I never ran from anyone again. I have done a great many things that I am not proud of. Some are very public and documented, some not and I hope never see the light of day. But if they do, I can take it and own it. I own my shit. I am not afraid of anyone or anything. If you bring me SH I will give you IT. Don't start SH and there will be no IT!

Today is a new day. The drama that was yesterday is long gone. There are new challenges ahead. There are new discoveries to be found and love to be made. I am opting for making love.

I am opting for making love.

1000 Things I want To Do Before I Die:
51. Sit with My Beloved as the sun sets over the amazon.
52. Be the woman the magician saws in half...LOL!
53. Have Champagne named after me!
54. Hike through the Redwood Forest.
55. Race Car Drive: NASCAR and Formula.

CARPE DIEM, BABY!

OK I am feeling good! I mean charging up the hill GOOD! I am in my zone. I am making some moves and casting my net out in to the wide waters! Baby, I am fearless!

So I am feeling these quotes today because life is short. I have seen and experienced too much bad shit. I prefer the good stuff. I prefer the happiness factor, the pleasure principle...LOVE!

Carpe Diem Quotes for Today:

Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. ~Stephen Vincent Benét

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. ~Abraham Lincoln

To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James

You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted. ~Ruth E. Renkl

Now is the time to get drunk! To stop being the martyred slaves of time, to get absolutely drunk - on wine, poetry, or on virtue, as you please. ~Charles Baudelaire, "Enivrez-vous," Paris Spleen, 1869

If you believe in forever, then life is just a one-night stand. ~Righteous Brothers, "Rock & Roll Heaven"

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now. ~Joan Baez

1000 Things I want To Do Before I Die:
46. Get a tattoo in a private place
47. Sit for formal Glamour Photos
48. Go to Divinity School
49. Grow Roses...I mean abundantly!
50. See my Love List walk up to me and introduce himself as My Beloved!

PUSSY ANYONE?...

The power of The PUSSY is phenomenal. Wars started and ended because of PUSSY. Men and women alike, lie, steal and harm for the sweet sweet nectar that only PUSSY can give.

What is it about the word and the attachment of the word to a female organ that just calling it out loud, is enough to make folks cringe in embarrassment, guilt, and shame. The PUSSY is indeed powerful!

But who owns the right to call it PUSSY? Who gets to decided the power of the word PUSSY? And why is this word so maligned, hated, feared and celebrated?

Capcity and I and a few of our blog Sisters, Ms. Smack, Princess TinyButt are going to explore the ins and outs of PUSSY. We are reclaiming the word PUSSY and we are telling our stories, sharing our tales of PUSSY woes. Yes, we are talking PUSSY and we want you to come over and join in. If you want to join US we'll send you an invitation, or you can come by and post on any PUSSY Chat topic you like! Email: http://www.capcity4@yahoo.com/ or lovebabz@gmail.com

PUSSY Chats
...No lost puss in the Woods...
Just Real Grown Folks.

1000 Things I want To Do Before I Die:
41. Learn to roller skate/in-line skate
42. Swim...well.
43. Become a magician...ah yeah...so!
44. Sail a yacht...preferably my own!
45. Learn how to play poker...especially "Texas Hold Em"

WAIT FOR LOVE...LUTHER VANDROSS WAS TALKING TO ME!

I heard this song a few weeks ago as I was doing the Mommy carpool thing. It was just what I needed to hear at that moment. I know everyone has those moments when the right song plays at the right time...a sign from on high that you are going in the right direction, or you need to stop or you need more discernment. The lyrics are: wait for love, and your gonna get your chance to love. Sometimes love takes a long time...




1000 Things I want to Do Before I Die:
36. Celebrate My 50th Birthday in Morocco
37. Go on Safari in Africa
38. Do Christmas in the Caribbean
39. Have a Catered Candlelight Dinner under a Full Moon on a Beach with a beautiful and spiritually grounded Man
40. Learn To Make Tamales

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BLOGGING A HEALING COMMUNITY

In June it will be a year since my first post. I had no idea what to expect on that maiden voyage. I just knew that I was trying to hold myself together with spit, paper clips and prayer. I was still married, my husband hadn't announced his departure yet. I was awaiting my turn up at bat for federal sentencing. I was at the end of my rope. The pain I was in was blinding. I was prepared to step into the place of no return. My finger was on the trigger and I swear...

It was in that moment I just decided that if I just changed my mind about the whole mess. And just meet God where I was, then perhaps I could make it through. Before I knew it I was blogging my life. I had no expectations. I just needed to get this pain out. I started visiting other blogs and commenting and really enjoying the stuff I was reading. Then the most amazing thing happened, people came by my blog and left the most beautiful and encouraging comments. I was shocked. I just knew that folks were going to nail me to the cross. It never happened. It was one prayer after another, one kind word after another. I never got the hate. All I ever got was love.

This healing blogging community has been incredible. It has been my lifeline and life jacket. It has been a great comfort. I know I could not have come this far on my own. I have no doubts about it. I would have been eulogized by now. So as I blog my life, I can share the joys as well as the pain. There is joy once again. I am smiling more, and laughing more and very optimistic about my future and my life. Yep, indeed there are still challenges ahead, and more hurdles to jump. I am steadfast in choosing love over fear.

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
31. Be in a Production of The Vagina Monologues
32. Slow Dance in Central Park with Someone Special
33. Walk a Marathon
34. Go fishing
35. Do the Bull Running in Pamplona, Spain...yeah I know...crazy (smile)

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: JAMAL'S KISS

I had a childhood friend named Jamal D. who lived a few doors down from me. He is perhaps a year or two older than me. We have been friends all of our lives. I grow up with him crushing on me in the biggest way. He was always respectful and very well behaved. He did however worship the ground that I walked on. I mean everyday he would sit in his front window and wait for me to pass. Sometimes he would be waiting outside to walk me to my door. When he graduated HS he went off to college, Coppin State. I went off to College the next year. We always stayed in touch by writing and calling each other. We even made a pledge to be friends for ever and ever.

My first Summer back from school we both were home at the same time. That's when it happened. He came by our house to drop in to visit. We were sitting on the couch in the living room talking about sororities and fraternities and college life in general. In one bold move he sweeps me into his arms and kisses me. I mean it was like 1 million bolts of electricity surging through my body. It truly was an out of body experience. I was stunned. I was overwhelmed. I never felt anything like it since.

We have always been close, so close that I once asked him to marry me. He declined, not because he didn't love me, but because he knew I needed to do other things---like finish my education. He was right. I haven't seen or heard from Jamal in years and I still think of that kiss. I swear as I remember it, it is still jolting. I swear I was looking for that kiss for years on the lips of different men and to no avail. Even when I did get married, I still longed for that kiss. That knock your socks off, curl your toes kiss.

So kissing is a big deal to me. Because I once had a kiss so sweet, so intense that it changed my life. So Prince Charming might be looking for some chick who could rock a glass slipper...I am however, looking for lips that can deliver the ultimate kiss!

1000 Things I want to Do Before I Die:
26. Train to become an astronaut
27. Make a quilt
28. Learn to belly dance
29. Parachute jump
30. Take an art class (paint, pottery, etc)

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my sensuality. What brings me pleasure? I started thinking seriously about this because I had a very enlightening conversation with a man--who is becoming my friend, who suggested that I should ditch my pajamas and sleep NAKED! NAKED! Now, there was a time when I would happily and easily jump between my sheets Au natural. BUT I have kids now! He then says, "so keep a robe or some pj pants near you". HHhmm. He then goes on to say "What is the point of luxurious sheets if you can't enjoy them on your skin?" He is right.

So what is my pleasure principle? Do I even have a pleasure principle?
Yes, I love high thread count Egyptian Cotton sateen sheets, Turkish bath towels, fine wines, music, beautiful flowers and the best non-dairy chocolate to be found anywhere. What does this mean? and how can I jump start my sensuality factor? I think it is and it isn't about sex solely. I mean I am not having sex at the moment. But someday I will! But in the meantime, how do I enjoy feeling my environment sensually? I don't have an answer yet. Of course, true to form this will require some discernment and further discussions.

I have a vision of the kind of woman I want to be sensually. It is of course rooted in My Grown Woman-ness. Connecting to that part of myself requires a changing of my mind and thinking sensually as I go about my days. So I am taking this on as part of my transition. Tonight I START SLEEPING NAKED! YES NAKED! NAKED NAKED NAKED!

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
21. Visit the Great Wall of China
22. Learn to Play The Piano
23. Publish Memoirs
24. Learn Ballroom Dancing
25. Do Pilate's

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: PARENTING IS LOVE IN ACTION

My Crush believes that there is a standard to parenting. That any parent regardless of ability and capacity to parent knows there is a standard and should rise to the occasion of good parenting because they are parents. He is right and wrong. Just because someone births a child doesn't make them a parent. And just because someone says they love you to a child doesn't mean that it's true. Not if you believe love is a verb.

I believe parenting is a choice. It is commitment to children in the highest order. It is a selfless act of love. My soon-to-be Ex husband doesn't get that concept of parenting...selfless acts of love. I have no doubt that he loves his children. But I am baffled how he can dole out his time with them. He tries to see them everyday. I say tries because some days he has other things going on. Or he has plans or he is working overtime, or he is tired, or he has to do laundry, or he has to do...whatever. But I say so what! These beautiful children will only be children for a bit longer and he will miss all their best moments.

Once Margeaux was really sick. She started throwing up blood at around 2:00 am in the morning. My Ex was not home, he didn't come home, he didn't call. I called our pediatrician who said get her to the emergency room---we have a children's emergency room here. I called my Ex-I paged, I beeped...no answer. I get ALL the children up at 2:30 am in the dead of Winter and take them all with me to the ER. I get my Brother at 6:00 am who rushes to the hospital. He then goes back to our house and My Ex is there laying the bed. My Brother maintained his composure as he tells my Ex that we are all at the ER. When my Ex arrives at 8:30 am, he says to me : I got your messages. I said well when you came home and didn't see your family didn't you think this was serious. He said: I thought you were using the children to hurt me. WTF! I thought I was going to faint. I said what in my character, our history and my life, would make you even think that I would use my children to hurt you. How do you get there with that? He apologized. But so what? He thought that about me. And I swear it still hurts. IT STILL HURTS!

In that moment I realized what I was dealing with. A person with a small spirit who never knew me as a woman or as a parent. There is no convincing in love.

What I know is this: Raising children and loving children and caring about children is not a part-time deal. It is not when you feel like it, it is not when you have time. It is not when you feel good. It is not when you get yourself together, it is not when you have more money. It is not when you get your education finished, it is not when you get back from finding out who you are.

I am a PARENT. Parenting is LOVE in action. All day. Everyday. No Exceptions. No Excuses.

1000 Things I want to Do Before I Die:
11. Drink Beer in Belgium
12. Sail on the Nile in Egypt
13. See Victoria Falls in Zambia
14. Ski in Aspen, CO.
15. Pray at Goree Island.

MY BIRTHDAY EVE & 1000 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE!

Tomorrow is my Birthday! 45!

Yesterday was an amazing day. Nothing in particular happened. I was just feeling all my Grown Woman-ness. It was sexual and spiritual. It was energetic and peaceful. I was rolling with all cylinders blazing. I was in my ZONE! Yesterday was a turning point. Another shift in my journey has moved me to another plain.

So for the next year, I am going to post 1000 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE! This is not a morbid exercise. It's really about living the best possible life, helping myself to all life's richest desserts! I am taking my cues from a few of my blog friends:

I am READY! like my Blog Brother That Johnson Boy Said What! I am putting all my oars in the water like my Blog Sister CapCity. And I am certainly taking cues from Raw Dawg Buffalo...Live Free or DIE! I am changing MY game thanks Rich House. What's important is right now. I have learned that from my Blog Sisters Princess Tinybutt and Not Just About Cancer. My Blog Twin Sister Just Write Now! With Sharon says in her profile: SHE IS A FAMILY WOMAN! I am too! I am too and I LOVE it! Yes there is a sensual side that needs equal attention, My Blog Brother Xavier over at Lovers Anonymous and my Aussie Sister Miss Smack over at Honey Smack shows me the joy in living with your sensual side up front. I am not hiding anymore! I am cultivating the artist in me like my Blog sister The Artist In Me and Mizrepresent Write for Life. And discerning my spiritual self and my divinity with my distant Blog friend Sojourner G and my favorite spiritual photographer Tony OH!

This is the best time ever. I am ready to live the biggest life possible. I am not afraid of tomorrow. I am not afraid of anyone or anything. My heart is open, my mind is clear. I am ready for love, life and the pursuit of happiness!

1000 Things I want To Do Before I Die!:

1. I want a knock your socks off, curl your toes KISS!


2. Learn to knit with my daughter Briana


3. Take an art class---Painting, sculpture, book-binding


4. Study culinary at the Paris Sorbonne


5. Be kissed under the Eiffel Tower


6. Make Love in the Serengeti in Tanzania, Kenya


7. Take the Orient Express form Istanbul to Paris


8. Live in Africa ( not sure where exactly--open for suggestions) for a bit


9. Visit Prague, Czech Republic
10. Herd cattle with the Masai in Kenya

May 2nd is My 45th Birthday

I am celebrating with

poems, prose and love missives

FROM YOU!