Desire Over Reistance: This Writing Life or How I am Moving Into 2015

My Fairy Godmother/WritingCoach/Famous Author/Mentor in our conversation a few days ago, said, "your desire for what you want has to be greater than your resistance for going to get it" This stuck with me. Like a seed planted it just started to grow inside me. Now this is not news or a newsflash. I know this. And yet I just brushed by it. l was always chopping it up to folks just don't understand what I got on my plate What I am going through. And so I would remain stuck with my dreams deferred. I see it all through out my life. The success I've had were because I desired it more than the resistance in going after it. Like Graduate school or great jobs, or other projects.

But somehow I haven't made that leap with other things I desire.... I can see where the resistance has a greater hold. I truly did not want to put in the effort to accomplish my dreams. I wasn't committed to the effort needed for the long haul. That's the truth telling. I wanted results/success/accomplishment with minimum effort. I allowed excuses to be the driver of all things. Even when I felt like shit doing it, I still allowed the excuses to drive me. I KNOW BETTER. But the desires weren't greater than the resistance. I like the fairy tale but was not ready to shift into the reality of the work. Happiness, love, joy, peace, success, purpose, all require a real willingness to go the distance. I have to put myself in the place of allowing these things.... my desires to manifest. I gotta do the work.I am no stranger to work... I am no stranger to determination. I know what hard work can produce. I've experienced it all through out my life.

It also means quit letting people, places and things derail you. My Fairy Godmother/Writing-Coach/Famous Author/Mentor also  said to be mindful of who you share you dreams with... there are folks who are dream killers and dream deferrers. People who are small...think small... live small, dream small and cannot support your big dreams! They will never be able to see what you see. They will only hold you to their smallness. Small people live in excuses in their own lives... holding onto mess and staying trapped in foolishness. They ask why you want to do that? Rather than say how can I help? This last ridiculous mess of a relationship I was in was just this...a dream deferrer. People who have nothing cannot offer you anything other than more nothingness. Especially if everything out of their mouths is criticism, and dream killing. It's like Dorothy getting caught up in the fields of poppies, except there was no pleasure. I have been here before. Different cast...same distractions.

I do not wish to lament the sameness... the going back for more where there is only less. For 2015 my goal will be to layout my desires. To be about the desires of my being.  I am a writer... I desire to write. So write I will. I will deal with the resistance with a structure and a plan. Yes a plan of action.

Season Of Advent: JOY

I find joy in the most unlikely places... like today, I was behind this car driving so slow all I could do was cuss, and rant. And then I remembered something I read long ago, that perhaps I should see this little inconvenience as the angels intervening to save my life... deliberately slowing me down. Otherwise I would be racing to my destination....racing to my death possibly. As I thought about this I begin to smile and think to myself, yeah, I can absolutely see that. Therein lies the joy... being open to Angels saving my life. I am noticing the angels handiwork in just about everything I put myself in. This is the kind of spiritual thinking I've longed for. Noticing God everywhere and in everything.

This is the Season Of Advent: anticipating the coming of Christ. In that coming I notice and experience and invite Joy, Hope, Peace and Love into my life and into the world.

So over the next 3 remaining Sundays, I am going to talk about Joy, Hope. Peace, and Love.

I love living in the big space of joy. Things that fill my heart warmly and fully. My smiling happy obnoxious children, positive words of encouragement from my sister-friends, laughing hours on the phone with my blood sister, my generous church family, my neighbors (Christians and Jews) who look out and check in. A home of my own, with a roaring fire and superb french wine, organic chicken in the oven and my fresh Christmas tree that smells like heaven.

I feel the presence of God. I have invited him in to my home and heart. This season brings me closer to the spiritual maturity I desire. Everything is rooted in my walk with God. Every relationship, every work thing, every bond I make or break. This Season of Advent reminds me... and calls me to anticipate MORE! And I do I do!

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I Saw A Photo Of A Man So Fine....

I am winning at my life and man it feels good. The tides of fortune have turned in my favor and baby I am lapping it up!

I saw a picture of the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. He is an artist... poet... world renown photographer. He does not know me, nor I him. Our paths keep crossing on the world wide web.  But if there was ever anyone close to my ideal it would be him. Decisive, soft, a fine eye for fine things and real connection to God. A renaissance man... oh how I love renaissance men.  Brothers who walk the world sure... bold and always in love. And get this, he lives in NOLA. The place my heart longs for. The place that was made for a woman like me... mysterious, sultry, friendly and oh oh oh so sexy. I love the fantasy of him. I love the reality of him. I like that such a man of my dreams exists. No I do not plan to pursue him. It is not about him. This is about the kind of man my heart and soul connects to. His words captured me and I know that mediocre...indecisive men won't do ever again. EVER.

That is the lesson, to seek and be open to men and people who speak to your heart and soul. To leave folks who are a mess alone. I am not a mess. I do not have to invite foolishness into my space. I get it.

Finding the photo of the very beautiful artist and having his words and photographs find me is not about him at all. It's about me turning a corner and stepping into the desires of my heart. I may never meet the beautiful artist whose eyes haunt me and whose words lift me to another realm of consciousness... Yes I've have been fucking him in my mind since the moment I saw him... but that's my fantasy. And really even my fantasy of his sexiness is small in comparison to his aura... that is felt even from this distance and without introduction. This is not about sex solely... this is desire for all that he represents...art, community, God, beauty of Black people and love of self. I see it for myself... all that excites me, moves me. Few have done that for me... and really it has been decades since this part of myself has been aroused by art and the artist. I like it. There is a deep untapped artist within and I think he calls it forth in some way. I suspect he has that affect on all who see him and experience him.

I say all this to say, that in my happiness state of being, I am not thirsty. I can drink freely and effortlessly from the well of life. I am walking the world a very happy, freed woman. I am rediscovering the kind of man I have yet to happen upon; this Brother reminds me and makes very hopeful that what I seek is seeking me.

Standing In The Place of Being Very Happy

It is amazing how I am moving in my life.  I am feeling a kind of strength and gratis that has eluded me for years. I'm on the COME UP in all areas of my life. And I love it.

I have zero tolerance for any and all bullshit... mine and others. I love that awareness!I have spent too much time with bullshitters and bullshit artists. Folks who put their own shit before my well being.

I am officially off the roller coaster of bullshit. I'm rolling along doing my thing. My professional life and personal life are in harmony with each other. I like the folks I'm hanging with... all positive, interesting and steadfast. I am finally meeting men who are interesting and well behaved and well read. I love smart men. I love men who appreciate and adore smart women. I love men who have no interest in controlling women... or me for that matter.

As the world turns and I bear witness to the madness, I am not consumed by it or daunted. I do what I can do, where I can do it. I find peace in that. I am connecting with people in a very authentic way.  I am finally meeting like-minded folks.

I am standing in the place of being very happy. It is my own choice. I prefer happiness. My life is reflecting where I am... whole... solid... happy and joyous. There is great pleasure in not being desperate in anything. I was desperate... afraid. Now I am not. I am creating a life that is so me, that I can't remember what I was afraid of.

Once I decided to give up accepting bullshit on all levels, my life changed for the better. Bullshit is about control, and lies and manipulation and emotional bullying. People who have fucked up lives are the first ones trying to get folks to do and be a certain way.  They have failed and yet, they want to force everyone in their circle down a destructive path. Crazy... I know. I know better now. I do better now. I am not replaying dramas. I am not trying to convince someone I am the best choice. I am not trying to hang in with someone who does not want me. I am done trying to convince folks of my value. I am done having those tired conversations of "You &Me" Fuck you... Fuck that. I am not wasting my time giving folks the time of day. An audience for their bullshit? Nope.

My life is good. Sweet. I am close to all my dreams. I am Happy.

I Love This Life Of Mine.

I am winning in my life and I love it. Once I did away with what I thought I should be doing or should have, I was able to fully step into the "As Is". I like the "As Is"  it is my authentic self. The "As Is" isn't about settling, or compromising, or ignoring anything. It is about standing in my glorious self right now. My admiring gaze is about seeing myself right now in all my glory. There is no point to looking at myself with a critical eye.  Picking myself apart... deeming myself unworthy. There is a great deal of joy in throwing out trash talkers and naysayers. I've burned the bridges of folks who freak me out with their bullshit... who make excuses for their sedate lives. I am not that woman... the woman who settles or bows down or bends over backwards for bullshit. Never that woman.

I am She who is rising. Becoming more of myself than I ever could imagined existed. I like the me I see staring back in the mirror in the morning and at the end of the day. I love the sound of my own breathing and laughter. I cannot and will not tolerate bullshit ever again. 51 cannot and will not tolerate it. My passions run deep and I make no apologies for them... I am a full grown woman. I know how to do shit. I know how to move and change the world.

I am feeling grand and fine tuned. I am a gift that keeps on giving. I like that revelation. I ain't looking for no one to complete me. I am not looking for anyone to provide me with answers to my life. What I want is someone who is interested in supporting and safe guarding my dreams and aspirations. What I am seeking is someone who has his own dreams and aspirations that I can support and safe guard. What I am longing for is REAL connection... nakedness... non-judgement... honesty... love... and integrity.  There can be no settling of anything other than truth.

I am in love with my life. I have waged a long hard battle of acceptance. I love the woman I am becoming. The man that seeks me will know exactly what to do to get me and keep me. This is my epiphany today. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not misguided or misdirected.

Iron sharpens iron.

I Take Pictures and I Love It!

My mother didn't take pictures. Every time someone would whip out a camera she would put her hand up... No No NO... wait until I lose weight... or dress up, or look better. My siblings and I do not have any photos of us with our Mom. We don't have any photos of my Mom without her hands up blocking trying to avoid the photo. Later in her life she did sit for formal photos. She died shortly after that.  I have one photo of me and my mom at my college graduation. My siblings have none of themselves with our mother. And we have that one photo of her that she sat for. Nothing of her as we were growing up.

I take so many photos of my children with myself and  of me solely for this reason. Someday I am going to die and I want them to have photos of me and of me and them, laughing, smiling, joyful. I want them to have photos of me in my glory. I don't want them remembering me trying to lose weight, or unhappy, or desperate, or sad. I want them to see me in my glory... now... as is.

I want them to remember me as a beautiful woman full of life and energy and dazzle. I want them to see me as a woman who dared greatly! A woman who, when knocked down repeatedly got up each time swinging!

So periodically photos of me will show up on my blog! I am not running away from the camera. I am not shunning the camera. The camera captures me. That's it.

NaNoWriMo Year 6

Yes Yes Yes! I am doing it again! National Novel Writing Month!

I feel confident, energized and ready.  OK so not really... who cares, I am doing it anyway!

November 1, 2014 I am jumping in! Last year I ended with just over 6,000 words... nowhere near the 50,000 word goal.  But the years before that, I barely made it to 2000 words.  This year I am feeling committed and ready!

NaNoWriMo here I come!

This Is The Guiding Force Of My Life...

I can't tell you how I have decided to move on. I just do. I can't put into clarifying words how I picked myself up over and over and over again. I can't begin to explain how I stopped my self from suicide. Wretched myself back from crippling despair. Oh, I live knowing deeply that I benefit from undeserved grace.

I could lay before the world my life... filled with all kinds of twists and turns. Great highs and gutter lows. Crippling defeats and humiliating moments that seemed to last an eternity. I've known unimaginable pleasure in the arms of men I couldn't pick out of a line-up tomorrow. I've enjoyed the love of good men that seemed all too fleeting. I've danced around the world and sang every song there is to sing. I am still standing, thirsty for more. This life oh this life. I can feel the sands of time running through my fingers and I want to race on. I want more and more.  I am overwhelmed with my redefinition of more. I simply mean peace, more quiet time, finding  joy in the the smallest of things like my breath and the breath of my children. My desires for pleasure are still burning brightly and the wanting of a lover lingers at the front of my daydreams... And the passions of my youth are not the passion of my middle age (at least not all of them). I still have the taste of adventure on my tongue... I am at home in the world all the time. I do not seek solitude in the woods away from the world, I simply want to be at peace in the midst of the hustle and bustle and chaos. I am growing into my life.

I know how many times I turned away from God. I can tell you how forever God has been with me. I have been ungrateful in my loving and in my being loved.  I don't know love at all. I am ripe to learn and learn and learn. Thank God for my children and my siblings... my first introductions to long standing love affair.

I am guided by the desire of a continuous arrival each step of this journey... my life unfolds each day and each day I am in awe of what I can feel and sense and be and do. I've stripped away so much bullshit that I barely recognize the woman I used to be. There is so much more to excavate... to get underneath.

This is the guiding Life Force Of My Life... to go about the world as seeker and lover. Enigmatic, mysterious, impetuous, curious, charming, joyful, I cop to it all...every label I own. I embrace the paradox of my being. It brings me closer to God. Truth be told... I have never been afraid of anything. I am woman for what's ahead. I live in the right now with an open invitation to what's ahead.

Grace Isn't Getting What You Want....There's More My Dears

I thought once I saved this house I would be happy. I thought once I got married I would be happy. I thought once I started a family I would be happy.  I thought once I earned all these degrees I would be happy. I thought once I got out of prison and all this was behind me I would be happy.

I have come to painfully realize that happiness is not predicated on having shit. Happiness is a state of being that you decide upon right now. Not when shit goes right. You gotta be happy when shit goes wrong. And therein lies the gift. To stand in the state of grace and joy even as the ground beneath you is caving in.

You see, I thought that once I ticked shit off my list, that was the direct road to happiness.

I was a bit lost when I had accomplished what I set out to do and discovered I was still afraid, fearful and unable to move the fuck forward. Unhappy. this is not about whining... I thought I was whining when I spoke out loud my pain. My loneliness. I was not whining. I was trying to find higher ground. I was drowning in my life. A life ripe with unresolved shit... hurts... done-wrongs... and just plan old poor ass decisions of people I let in my heart, my bed, my life.

The torment came when I started the dance of 'Know-better" Oh I knew better, but I wanted what I wanted and so mess quickly ensued... like clockwork.

Today is different... reflective.  I am seeing.

If happiness lies solely in having shit... things.. anything... then what happens when it's all taken away? I've had it all taken away. And when I picked my ass up off the ground and dried my eyes, there were things I was still quite happy about.... my children... my siblings... my real and enduring friends... Happiness is within. Sure a nice set of bone china, or crystal goblets or diamond rings, a fine piece of artwork.... It all makes me happy. But true, longstanding, authentic happiness is the gift from within. The inner knowing that things are not the sole source of joy or happiness.

This was my divine lesson the last couple of days... wrapped in good news. You see when things are wrapped in good news we think that's the blessing... the only blessing. No my dears.. that is only part of it...a very small part of it. Grace isn't getting what you want. Grace is understanding and truly knowing that your joy springs from within, regardless of circumstances or issues or dilemmas or troubles. I am not my worst moments. Funny how true that rings when I step outside of my ill ease and turn my attention to my blessing rather than my lacks. Do you see the gifts?... I do. I do indeed.

I get it. Truly.

The Great Question.

Happy Un-Anniversary 2007

I thought this was worth re-posting. I have indeed moved on and I am not looking back. I am in a good place. Tomorrow is October 1, 2014. I find October to be a time of magic for me. Tomorrow I usher in a renewed sense of energy. I am in a good place, but I am also complacent. I gotta push myself beyond my comfort zone. I gotta amp up my drive. All the signs are there.  My heart is yearning for something more.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different. It's time to sprint!

So as I take this Fall as my jump off time... my resolution time... I am standing in a kind of grace I thought would be a longer time coming if ever.  I've conquered much, cleared a path and now I gotta haul ass to the life I've been dreaming about.

Happy Un-Anniversary!

Babz is on the come-up ya'll! 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Contrition, you Move Forward. It's Over.

There is no going back.  There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past.  I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous.  What is the point of that?

Five years ago I went off to prison.  So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating.  I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children.  I don't remember my divorce date.  But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007.  As if I am not punished enough.  I am acting as if I am not sorry enough.  I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried.  I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me.  But nobody's reminding me.  I am doing that.

I am letting this go.  Today is true liberation day.  It is behind me. 

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

I Am Quitting Doing "Extra"

For as long as I can remember Fall has been a time for all kinds of new beginning, transitions and pure magic happens for me and to me. As much as I loved this Summer, I can feel the shift of energy toward the wideness of Fall. A chill in the air... the subtle change in colors from light bright to rich and bold and deep. I feel it in my bones the changing of the season. Oh I am transitioning again.

The last several weeks has dragged me back to re-exam my current state of being. It's truth telling time...  and I have decided to take on intimate relationship life. I have to dig in and look at what I am doing.

Historically, when I have gotten involved with someone I do too much.  I go all out... I buy shit.. I try to impress... I woo. I try to convince them that I am the one they should want. I become a woman on a mission. I did not it see this way. I looked at as being a modern independent woman.  a woman who had no problem asking a man. Making the first move. I did it all so that the man of desire wouldn't have to work hard.  I was already available. Add in alcohol and you got an intense, unauthentic woman with no real purpose or direction.

I shut it all down. I quit looking and being available to men. I stopped. Dropped out. I started the beginnings of what would become my spiritual walk and internal cleansing.

I got married and that changed me a great deal. It lasted 13 years.

I had stopped drinking. I learned about partnership and communicating and sharing.  I blossomed and grew to be content... with a bit of longing for something more and not fully understanding what the something more was.  When the marriage ended I was armed with a better sense of myself. A kind of maturity that resonated from the inside. My heart was broken, but I was stronger than I have ever been in my life. For several years I deeply and fully immersed myself in my spiritual growth, my emotional and my physical growth. I started this blog in the midst of a tough personal nightmare and odyssey. I was becoming the me of my dreams. Dating just seemed right. I was...am lonely. I thought I was ready to be open and inviting to a potential lover. Ugh.

So here I am dropping out of the dating pool once again. I found myself becoming too available to men... doing too much... aggressive.. and too inviting and accommodating. I see old habits and patterns showing up and that's not what I want for myself. I gotta quit trying to convince men to want me and allow a man to come for me on his own volition.

As I was doing "extra" it never occurred to me to stop. I didn't allow a man to work for my attention. Woo Me. Did I think a man wouldn't do that for me... come for me?... scale the castle walls for me? I must have thought that. I must believe this in my spirit. Deep down there is a belief that I have to prove my love worthiness... lest he not see it.  This is the heart of the matter... the truth.

If I didn't do the "extra"... go above and beyond, I might get passed over. Not seen as love worthy.

Damn. heavy to stand in this truth. To say to myself that I tried and did buy the affections of someone...by taking care of their needs way before I even considered mine. And it didn't matter what the need was... I rose to the occasion and met them.

So what I am going to do moving forward is be still. If someone asks me out for a date, I will weigh it and give it consideration.  I am going to spend my time NOT convincing anyone that I am love worthy. I am not asking anyone out. I am not enticing anyone to come for me or to me... NOPE that's over and I am going to be deliberate in paying attention to my behavior.  There is no convincing in love. I do not need to convince anyone that I am love worthy.

Back. Intact. Whole.

I am stronger. I needed to be silent and take it all in. Really take it all in.

I appreciate my SISTERHOOD... healing words are indeed like a balm in Gilead. I appreciate and I am grateful for the Brothers... The Bruhs who sent me private emails to comfort my broken spirit. You will never know how uplifting that was for me.

This I know for sure, online dating is not for me. I have taken down all my profiles. I am too vulnerable, too open and too whimsical. I have come too far to tumble backwards into despair. It was a powerful lesson. Stunning and painful. Life changing and I suspect on many levels necessary.

What's next? Oh EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!

I'm back and intact. Whole. Fearless. And ready to keep moving on. Truly.

Good Bye For Now.

As I write this I can feel the tears welling up.  I've been in this state of sadness for a few days. I think the bubble of living an enchanted life is falling away. My optimism for the world is dimming.

The aloneness  is overwhelming. So much so that I've taken up dating with gusto... posted my profile on a couple of popular dating sites. The last date, I put myself in harms way.  I met this man online... we met at midnight for a quick glass of champagne...20 min conversation--oh so romantic. Good-bye until we meet again.  We made plans to meet a few days later. Yes of course we talked on the phone endlessly and incessantly leading up to the first and second dates... at one of my favorite watering holes and he arrived late.  He seemed weird, scattered. We sat down and the conversation was disjointed.  He didn't seem really interested in connecting. 45 minutes later, I decided I had enough.  He paid the check and asked if I would give him a ride  to his car.. sure I say, he said he parked just down the street.  He gets in my car I drive to his car... I unlock the door and say good night.  He leans over and locks my door, puts his left hand on my back and begins rubbing my back.  In a split second I knew I was in trouble or this was going to be a problem.  I said firmly please get out of my car. He sat there and asked if he could give me a hug. I said NO... I don't know you. He offered his hand, I shook it and said a firm good night. For a split second I could tell he was thinking about pressing me further... weighing his chances.  I think given where we were on a very busy street in a trendy bustling neighborhood was my saving grace. I drove off...deliberately driving out of my way to my house in case he was following me.  I was so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? So fucking trusting of a stranger? I know better. I realized in my haste for connection with someone I didn't protect myself. I am so desperate for a loveship that I just put myself in harm's way.

So these last few days have been illuminating.  I have to do things a different way. I have to stop what I am doing. Clearly, I am not ready to take on the responsibility of dating and putting myself out there. 

I think I have to give up the hope that there is a real possibility that all the love I've had in my life is all the love I am going to get and that is enough for 100 WOMEN!. I don't think anyone will ever come for me again. I have to just quit seeking.

I am in place I've never been in and I don't know how to get out of it. So, what I know to do is to retreat to my fortress of solitude. I need some time down. Heal myself. Be quiet.

Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not. 

Good bye for now.

How Do I Love? Part 2

I was talking to my sister Lo the other day about how I am moving forward dating and I said to her, I want someone to be good to me. I want someone who wants to see me happy and joyful. I want someone to bring peace and goodwill to me. I want someone to be good to me without question or fear or conflict or condemnation or judgment. I am all that I ask for.

I've never known anyone to bring that kind of love to me. I always thought I lacked something that would allow for that kind of love. It never occurred to me I was just choosing poorly.

I was choosing poorly.

I clearly see what I need and want and pray for. I want kind words, I want an attentive spirit. I want witty banter. I want stability and unconditional love. I want affection. I want affection that isn't used against me or as a whipping stick. I want someone who is fearless and bold and loves my boldness. I want someone who has a life he loves. I want someone who has room for me and all my quirky shit.

I want laughter all the time. I love like this. I have always loved like this. I just didn't trust my own heart and mind.

I just chose poorly. I cast my pearls before swine willingly because I didn't trust that what I needed and wanted would show up... or even existed. I had no faith in true love.

I settled for bullshit over and over and over and over again and again and again.

Not this time. Nope, not this time. I either live a passionate life or I don't, I either have someone who is my everything or I don't, I either bask in the glow of my own brilliant light or I don't.  There is no halfway, middle ground, almost, settle-for-this bullshit.

I know how to love. I embrace that and live in my truth. I know how to love and I know how to let someone love me.  They gotta come authentic, sincerely and only want my best at heart.

I know how to love. I've always have... I let the world convince me otherwise.

Here is my invitation and declaration to the one who would happily come for me: I know how to love.

I know how to love.

To Be Read... And Kept.

"There are two people you'll meet in your lifetime. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners that inspired them the most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It's the third you'll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book." ~ Unknown.

How Do I LOVE? Part 1.

I posed this simple question to my blog crush Stars Like Grains of Sands in my Pocket :Tell me about how you love? Tell me about how you love deeply? I asked this based upon a post he did on the guiding principles of his life... Rules to Live by it was impressive and moving.  He is a righteous, disciplined brother who I have come to know a great deal about over the years. Aside from hosting deep and intense fantasies about him moving to Connecticut and being the greatest love of my life.  I like the way he thinks and his approach to things. He is quite methodical. Keep in mind he is quite expressive so you gotta keep reading the whole post to get the divinity of his wisdom. Anyway I was profoundly struck by the absence of love or what I projected love to be... there was no mention of anything connecting him to another human being in the present... lots of past reflections of love gone awry. How could a man who is so completely filled with great compassion, sensuousness  and a willingness to be someones significant other if only they would act right not mention of anything like that? I couldn't understand that and wanted some explanation (I do not deserve any explanation mind you) and invited him to provide me one. He did. Tell me about how you love. I appreciate how you live, tell me how do you love deeply
Always deeply thought provoking... I wasn't quite satisfied... I know I was projecting my own shit here... but I couldn't let it go and he is so graceful and accommodating to me. I was trying to get him to answer the question for me.... about me.... I wanted him to have an answer for my life. He came back to me with another post and this is where I got it! Expansion on How I love.

In the midst of his sharing... I see it... it leaps out at me as if it was waiting for me. "Love is about surrender and acceptance" it was like something deep in me remembered this to be true. And just like that he answered my longing to know with a statement that pushes me to ask... Have I or can I surrender to love and accept love? Gasp! I have blogged about this before and I am going to go back through this blog and see.

Marry Me Mark Johnson. Seriously. I could use a Wisdom warrior in my life.

So now I am taking all this to prayer. How do I love?

Indeed. Love List needs a revisit.... less list and more action. We shall see.

Go Bold Or Go Home

I feel bold. I like feeling bold. I can no longer live the lesser story, nor can I let anyone try to force me to the lesser story of my life.

Bold. Going beyond my comfort level... which is for me code for lazy.  I don't want comfortable if it means I settle, I don't try. I am not trying to reach some elusive notion of success. I want to do what I want to do because I want to do them. I want to push myself to my highest self.

I want to be in love and stay in love all the time. I want to laugh and drink wine and enjoy good food.  I want to support causes that speak to my heart and soul. I want to be surrounded by fresh cut flowers. I am tired of being afraid.

I am chasing a bold life, because I am running out of time and living in fear of anything saps the life out of me.

No one gets to hold me hostage with their mess. I can't carry extra baggage of any kind. Come to me with a willingness to unpack or keep moving on. Come to me willing to travel light or keep on moving. I don't have a map, just God's call on my life and the stars and the moon to guide me.

This boldness is not new. Dormant. Hidden. Tucked away. And throw in some shame for good measure....shame is at the heart of not living a bold life.  Who are you to live so boldly? I mean you gotta hang your head and wear sack cloth and never smile or taste the sweetness of joy again. That's the weight of shame. I prefer the boldness of the day. I prefer to laugh out loud and smile and love love love deeply.

Loving deeply is the foundation for a bold life. To touch in love is the real revolution.  To go beyond my fears and reach out with open arms and open heart, naked and unashamed is my personal journey.

A bold life I seek. A bold life I shall live. Go bold or go home.  And if you go home, you can always try again. Life is all about chances. Today I'm taking a chance on going bold. I'm not talking crazy or throwing caution to the wind. It is for me declaring love every moment. And letting declarations of love find me... wrap around me.

In Between. Part 2.

It's not about standing in the gap waiting. In Between meant the quiet space of here and there....a place to hide. I used to think in between was lost space and time... waiting, always waiting for something to happen.

The In Between has just become for me a real opportunity for a kind of preparation... a catching of my breath as my dreams come into focus. It is that grace time to breathe in and breathe out. Letting go of loss and preparing to receive new gifts.  And oh those gifts are so grand... even in their simplicity.

The In Between used to mean licking my wounds and muddling through despair until the sun shined again. It used to mean curling up deeper under my covers awaiting another day of dreariness. I just didn't know how to undue the blues and so I just accepted the time and space. Wishing and hoping that it would quickly pass and I could start again.

Now, I am choosing complete honesty... that's the road. Truth... walking in truth as I know it to be. I am not talking truth telling to or for other people.  It is truth telling to me myself...asking real questions and answering with a real sense of fully knowing what I want for my life.

I'm standing in the fork in the road. I can see where I have tried to answer my life without discovering the questions first. I wanted answers that encompassed all the needs of everything and everyone I am responsible for, but I never really asked myself what I truly want... I always thought that what was needed was what I wanted. And what was needed always came, but what I wanted was deemed frivolous and to focus on my wants was a fool's misstep because everybody knows needs are more important than wants.

And yet I wanted. I want so very much. What I want chases me in my daydreams and in my sleep... the late nights are filled with fantasies and dreams. How can I shoo-shoo those away? I did. I was wrong. As I find myself  discovering this new definition of In Between, I am drawn to a different road. Yes indeed Zora, some years ask questions and some years answer...  I do believe this year I am doing both.

In Between. Part 1

Lately my dreams have been about lovers of the past and lovers of the future. Neither which are rooted in the here and now.

The other day as I was sitting and listening to my ex-husband invite me to a party with him and his current wife (who I like very much) It all felt surreal... like I'm in some hellish Woody Allen movie where everyone is talking and talking and talking and I am shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.

I acknowledge my loneliness. I neither run from it or wallow in it.  It is a current fact... my current situation.  I am accustomed to it.  I just spent three-plus years in a go-nowhere relationship that made me feel like I was trapped on a deserted island.

The peacefulness of being alone (alone as in not in a sexual relationship) is lovely. The moments where sadness washes over me, I let it and I daydream and I move on. I am done trying to force myself into anything. Being alone is not a curse or crime... it is a state of being. I am realizing that the focus isn't so much what I don't have, but taking inventory of what I do have by way of interests and freedom to do and go as I like.  Running over the past situations have been illuminating... I clearly see where I just wanted more than what was there to have.

Someone will come and fight for me. Someone will think the sun rises and sets on my smile. Someone will come with their financial life in good shape. Someone will come thinking that all these curves lead to profound ecstasy! And that to change anything at all would be blasphemous and abomination to God... unless I want to change something by my own desire and the one that seeks me becomes my greatest and loudest cheer leader.

I've been seeking and preparing all wrong... even with a Love List revisited in hand. I don't mind wrestling with this yet again. And I don't mind falling down as long as I get back up. So down the rabbit hole I've gone seeking, looking, hoping. It's OK. I've learned so much... truly.

So I think now the lesson moving forward will be from a different level. I get this "going back for more where there is only less." foolishness. I don't need another refresher... another soul breaking lesson.

The dreams, I suspect are telling me I am in between. Yes, in between in a great many areas of my life. How odd? How profound. So the call is now to pick a road and go down it.

A call to explore the In between. yes. I think that is the thing to do.