I am Available.

Fall in Connecticut is  stunningly beautiful! The leaves are changing and falling. There is a crispness in the air, although at the moment it is quite warm. I am in my element...Tis the season of shedding the old and making room for the new.

I find myself saying with great confidence I AM AVAILABLE! I am available spiritually, physically, mentally. Come glad tidings come!

I have spent a great deal of time doing my inner work... Answering the big questions, seeking divine guidance and standing in my truth. I have walked the world a wounded healer. I have quit on life several times. I have gotten back in the race. I've had some wins, took some loses and still I pressed on.

I am a member of a tribe of folks who hold me sacred at every turn. I guard those friendships with my life. When I tell you I am available. I mean it. There is no better version of me than the one I am right now!

I have spent a great deal of time lamenting a love life or rather the lack of a lover in my life. I am very much surrounded by love, what I miss and want is a lover. I am available.

I have immersed myself in books to help the self. I have taken self-development courses here and there and everywhere. I have journaled, morning pages, a mountain of post-it notes filled with affirmations. I am whole. I am happy. I am alright. I am available.

It is time to say it and walk in it. I am available.

This is what I require... Show up as your best self. No preconceived notions of who you are. Have some faith in mankind. Respect my relationship with God. Know that I read for pleasure and knowledge.  Have some shit for yourself... friends, hobbies, you time. Be imaginative. Be honest. Be present. Be supportive. Be Soulful.

Talk to me as if your life depended on it. Be glad about who you are and where you're from. Be available.

I am available.

I Am Not Asking What Do I Want

October is coming. It is my New Year's resolution-making time. The time where I look down the road and think about where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I can feel the transitioning in my bones. My life will change yet again. My life is calling me to new ground. My life is calling me to new love, and to the healing of the oldest wounds.

The cool crisp mornings are whispering it is time.

I am not asking what do I want. The real question is what am I willing to do for the wants I already have? There are not new wants. I have the same wants that existed at the beginning of this blog. The same wants:

1. To know me better
2. To walk and stand in truth
3. To love with abandon
4. To be loved with equal aplomb
5. To continue to attract wholehearted loving people
6. To be good and kind and generous to my friends
7. To laugh more
8. To dance more
9. To make love more
10. To love who I am in this body
11. To be financially strong

These are the wants. These are the things that come and go in my life. I want consistency and long-term. I want eons of good fortune. I want endless days of laughter and dancing. Here comes October calling me to my annual sojourn of offering prayers for the journey ahead.

Photo: Karen King

Adulting: Showing Up For Love

In friendships, you have to be willing to go to your beloved and say you hurt me. And equally important if you've done the hurting, you gotta repair that shit. You gotta take your spit and glue and tape and bandaids, offering a balm. Love requires that and much more.

You hurt me is hard to say and hard to hear. Often folks can't bear it on either receiving end. If you are the one directing it to your beloved, then in your repair and healing of the situation, you have to resist the urge to say that's not what I intended, or meant. Or that I didn't think it was offensive or hurtful. If you are the one saying how you are hurt by what was said or done, then you have to be clear and honest as you can be in those moments.

Hurt words can be healed, providing you are prepared to walk in truth. Let me tell you what hurt and why. We hurt each other in small almost unnoticeable ways. We hurt each other in grand sweeping ways. We hurt each other. The mark of love calls us to repair, tend to and heal the wrong done, real or imagined.

Not telling someone how you really feel about them is not walking in truth, And brushing off things only stores them in a powder keg. Someday it will go BOOM! So rather than wait for the explosion, speak your peace.  I value those I hold dear as friends. I want them to know that hurtful words in and of themselves will not break our friendship. Misunderstandings cannot be left to fester because we are afraid that we can't get to higher ground... common ground. I promise to make myself available to listen without judgment. I may need time to process what you say, but I will not up and abandon the friendship. I pride myself on being a reasonable, deeply thinking woman.

At this place in my life, I am tending some of the most beautiful relationships I've ever had. All the people in my universe are treasures. Each one of them makes me a better woman. The fact that they make room in their lives for me and my shit is breathtaking. I come with complications and unimaginable wounds that run deep and long. Yet somehow their hearts welcome me and I am safe and cared for.

Showing up vulnerable is where I want to exist from. I want to be wide open. That comes with risks. I am willing to take the risks.

Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind

As long as I draw breath, I suspect that I will be always the kind of woman that readily makes friends and invites people into my life. I am fascinated by people's stories. I talk for hours to people on a regular basis. There is always some depth that I want to get to with folks. I am always meeting kindred souls on life's byways and highways.

Being how I am, with always inviting folks to converse and being open, to discovering what we can in discussion and late night heated sharing and early morning hey you. Is often a prescription for experiencing different sides of people that they normally don't show to others. What I mean is, people can be fucked up in other relationships, but then they step into my universe and they don't bring that with them... until they do.  I was told incessantly "I am not kind" and my reply was always, "I believe you, but that has not been my experience of you". And onward we go, existing in the bubble of enchantment. Now, mind you, I can always feel the cracks in the bubble early. I can tell when the truth of just being, starts to seep in. Little annoyances start to become bigger annoyances. We are talking, but not deeply. We are slipping away from the early days of interest and intrigue. What is passing for friendship between us, is the mutually satisfying work... Me building my dreams, and you building another chapter in a life with great determination and focus. We are becoming estranged.

I hold few things to the breast anymore. I have learned to not hoard love or magazines. Nothing has changed. I love you. Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind. It is now my experience. I have stepped out of the bubble of enchantment and into the bright bold, harsh light of day. And all shall be well.

Each experience of enchantment brings me closer to a new me that I am so pleased to meet. I like who I was in relation to you. I am still she. And I like me so much. I don't know what you started to see, or how you came to the observations about who I am and what I need. I don't care to know at this point. Your opinion is neither here nor there in the overall scheme of things. I am wrong about people all the time. I am a fool most times opening myself to folks. I am my best self when I am living my vulnerabilities; this is the space I want to be in.

The riches of life are such that, you can meet a perfect stranger one day, make friends, do creative things and love and not love and love a bit more and move on.

Nothing has changed. Except, I now accept that you are unkind. And that my friend is the greatest gift. The gift of walking in truth and believed.

I Am The Worst Kind Of Fool...

At some point, I gotta let go of all hope of some magical man showing up. At some point, I gotta resign myself to the truth of things as they are right this minute. There is no one out there for me at the moment. Hasn't been for a very long time.

I don't know how to be anything else. I do not know how to become someone else. A she that is more desirable, more beautiful, thinner, taller, smaller in some places, bigger in others. I don't know how to be a she that someone wants above all others. At 53, I gotta stop looking into the eyes of men who look past me. Men whose gaze is for a she that I don't happen to be. A she that is on his wish list.

I am a 53-year-old Sister. Witty, highly intelligent, a go-getter, funny, engaging, and on some occasions considered quite pretty. I am always beautiful I believe. So I am not wallowing in some kind of self-pity soup. I am weary of going out and being on display hoping someone will notice me. Pick me. Engage me. See me and be in awe of my being.

I am the worst kind of fool... Magical, sparkly and effervescent. I see the goodness everywhere. I am a girl for a silver lining on the rainiest days. And yet, here I sit and type about the aloneness of my life. A life filled with so much that I am overwhelmed on any given day with, goings-on, happenings, good times, all manner of fetes!

I don't want to be wallowing in sadness. This isn't about sadness. It is about aloneness. The kind of aloneness I experience when I wake in the night and there is no one to roll into. Aloneness where there is no one to talk to, laugh with, joke with, work shit out with.

I have fine people in my life. People who bring me joy, and peace and happiness and fun, and camaraderie and sisterhood. I just have to quit wishing for a different reality. Embrace what is and turn my attention toward things I have some real influence and impact on.

It is time to give up the notion of whatever I was hoping and wishing for. I'm good with this. The aloneness stays. The aloneness stays and has a place at the table. This chapter closes.

Photo: Karen King
Make-up: Winter Carson
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon & Sangerster Barber.

Redefining My Being When Things Fall Apart

I am not new to my life crashing down around me. I can count using both hands the number of times my life fell to the ground on fire, or shattered, or drowned, or crumbled, or just fell apart. It is doing that now. And here I stand to survey the rubble... or about to survey the rubble. Can I tell you that the fight to hold up my world has left me? I do not have the energy or the will to swim against the tide. This time, I am surrendering quickly and serenely.  Surrendering not because I am weak and I can't fight. But that the fight is different. I am different. My strength is needed elsewhere.

In the days and weeks and months ahead, my life will change. It is my plan to go with the flow. To retire my battle armor and move in a different direction. I am not here for the court of public opinion. Been there done that. I am not here for the feigned humiliation of loss. Been there, done that too. What I want more than anything is to be untethered to time, space and place.

I am a very different woman now. Even as I look back over the years of this blog, I can see real growth and revelations and illuminations. The path was always lit enough to step forward albeit timidly, but most often boldly.

I am not going to get all twisted about the coming storm. I am not going to panic (which I never do anyway). I am not going to wring my hands and lay awake worrying, crying, pleading with God for a more favorable outcome. What I am going to do is move with as much grace as I can. I am going to be calm and thoughtful about the moves I make. And I will not be hasty in any decisions moving forward. I am at my best with a calm and cool mind.

So as the world around me crashes once again. I'll be ready to climb up and out. That is how I'm made. Resilient. Bold. Unafraid.

I Believe In...

I Believe:

In love everlasting; sex on rainy days; sex on Sundays; good wine; vegan artisan chocolates; fancy sexy panties; Church on Some Sundays; Jazz; Cassandra Wilson; red lace bras; high heels; flats; red lipstick; black lipstick; soft porn done well; live music; kink; natural hair; 100% Egyptian cotton sheets; silk pajamas; champagne everyday; beautifully grilled steak; cognac; roses; peonies; orchids; phone sex; spiritually rooted conversations; jazz gospel music; masturbation; silk scarves; incense; Angela Bofill; Fine table wear; vases; pitchers; sparkly picture frames; red glasses; down pillows; feather beds; Martha's Vineyard; Just about anywhere in the Caribbean; Peace of mind; love letters; Christmas, snow on occasion; Martha's Vineyard; Adoption of children; enduring friendships; Walks in truth; real men; solid brothers; Black Greek Women; DST; Men who love with abandon; Men who adore Black Women; Men who protect Black Women; Men who revere Black women; vegan ice cream; Black children; United Church of Christ; My dearest friends; Solid Black Men; Teachers of Color; Children of Color; Strong neighborhoods, long showers; long baths, vegan biscuits; real cocktails; Hebrew scripture; sacred Christian scripture; Bob Marley; Mozart; Paris; Prague; New Orleans; Earth Wind & Fire; Phyllis Hyman; hot days; love everlasting; Nikki Giovanni; HBCUs; William Spivey; Red sports cars; bright colored galoshes; red lipstick; good hot coffee; unsweetened ice tea; Books: More books; Still more books; poetry; Lots and lots of poetry; Binge TV watching; collard greens on Sundays; My daughters; my Sons; Robin Gwathney; Big Mike; Bob-O; peace on earth.

We are what we tell ourselves we are. We attract what we are. We believe what we experience

I am AMAZING. BEAUTIFUL. RESILLIENT. POWERFUL. LOVEABLE. COOL AS SHIT!

Photo: Karen King Photography

Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon and Sangster Barber & Salon

Hey Babz, You Need To Do Dating Differently

I have always viewed dating as an adventure waiting to unfold; that I would meet someone and we would click. I was excited to date and see what opportunities awaited me. I had no list or heavy criteria. I just wanted someone who was intellectual, and spiritually and emotionally strong in their own right and ready for a woman like me... Or if not on the same page, at least in the same book!

My Ex-husband Lawrence was a wonderful example of intellect, street smart, hip-hop and jazz. He truly was and is a student of the world. He was a faithful and abiding man. He had a faith in Islam that guided him. I admired that. He was not a cheater. I never worried or had cause to worry about him betraying our marriage vows. In that regard, I was blessed. I know so many men who have cheated or are cheaters. Men who have cut a path of heartache and family destruction that gives me pause. That was not my experience in my marriage. There were other problems that contributed to the demise of the marriage. But overall, we share a great many values. We were equal adventurers and learners and readers and art appreciators!

So, of course, I thought to get out there again, surely the Gods will smile upon me again! Then Jamal showed  up... With all the romantic dust dreams are made of. As it turned out... Jamal was not anything I would wish on anyone. It was a disaster. We are no longer friends. We were friends since we were 12 and 13 years old. A day-to-day loveship was a prescription for pain. What had such promise, turned into a nightmare. I moved on.

Dating now, I thought I had a clear understanding of what I was doing. It has been one bad date after another. So I'm conceding to the universe. I hear you! It is time to move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.

My village and the universe of friends are wide and intimate. My friend Bill suggested I rethink my concept of dating. "You're a great communicator" start there. My soul mate Carlos said just be still and allow someone to show up for you. And My BFF Ron thinks I do too much. "You are enough," he says. "You are delightful and loving and kind and stunningly beautiful".  Just wait. Someone will show up. Someone, I bet totally unexpected.

I have decided to stop dating for the Summer. No more dates for the remaining Summer. Perhaps in the Fall, depending on how I feel.

This last date was tough and terrifying. He put his hands on me in a way to threaten and intimidate me. It did not work. I am still mad and feel acutely vulnerable. So this Summer, I chill. No dates. Just conversations... The richer the better.

I am a great communicator. I walk in truth. I do not lie. I used to be a liar and a manipulator. I am not that woman anymore...Haven't been that woman for more than a decade (the length of marriage). Marriage was my saving grace, the ctatlyst that showed me love was possible for me.

I am quite transparent as a love interest. We must be each other's savior and not assassin. That's what I am taking into the next loveship. So this summer no dating! Just Communicating!

 Let's see how this approach fares. I'll keep you posted.





photo: Karen King, Photographer
Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay and Sangster Barber & Salon

Defining and Owning My Sexy 2016

I did a Boudoir Shoot. A photo session where I am photographed in lingerie and, yes NAKED!

Why? Why would I do this? Isn't this just continuing to objectify women? Am I contributing to the objectification of women by willingly objectifying myself?

Maybe the answer is YES! Maybe the answer is NO!  All I know is that I wanted to capture the sensualness of this body right now. Not me 50 lbs from now in either direction. I wanted to see myself sexy, sensual and desirable. Yes, I needed to stand in front of a camera in lingeries and be SASSY FLIRTY POWERFUL and SEXY!

I am more confident than most. I am aware of the rape culture we exist in. I know how looks and appearances are used to promote us and break us. I just can't stand how I am always asked to ignore my sexualness, my sensualness in the face of weight, race, and age.

I am a beautiful woman. and I do not have a lot of time on earth to seek permission to be beautiful.

So, I happily decided to see myself Sexy. Beautiful and Desirable. Now! In this body. At this weight. At this age.

I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding.
I AM DONE HIDING.

Photo: Kerrian Company

Hair: 

Color: Hairs Kay Barber: Mr. Omar, Sangster Barber

Make-up: Madame Blush/ Winter Carson

Revisiting: What Do I Want Now?

I am always caught off guard when I am asked: "What Do You Want?" This question haunts me, torments me and propels me to finding the answers.

What do I want? Periodically I gotta ask this question... The answers have changed as I have changed throughout this big life. What I wanted as a teenager is quite laughable now... Oh, I wanted so little which seemed so much.

At each decade, the wants morphed into needs. And soon wants became fantasies and little luxuries of thoughts and daydreams. Somewhere along the way, I learned you can't have what you want. Settling shows up and became the new world order.

I am becoming acutely aware of the passing of time. I am solidly 53 years old. I do not believe I have another robust 53 years ahead of me. Perhaps 20 years if I'm extremely lucky. So this time right now has to count, be lived fully. This is what I know moving forward. I cannot squander my remaining days wanting and not having.

This is where it gets challenging. How do I do this in the midst of everything else I am juggling, handling, responsible for? I do believe this is the question facing many modern women. Trying to create an identity that is not tied to marriage, motherhood and work. I love being all these other things, but this is not about that. This is clearly about the stirrings of my heart and long-held dreams.

Is this transitioning again? I don't know, but I owe myself the opportunity to find out.

Oh, by the way, the blog is staying. The calls, emails, messaging was loud and clear. Thank you for those of you still reading my little slice of the world wide web.

100 Days Project! Starts 4/19/16

What could you do with 100 days of making? That's the challengeL 100 Days Project! being creative! being artistic! Being Healthy! What would you do? Well, I am challenging you to do something!

Starting today April 19, 2016 and ending July 27, 2016 make something! Create something!
use the hashtag #100DAYPROJECT  I have an idea of what I want to do. So follow me on Instagram Lovebabz. I'll have a hashtag and everything! And THANKS to elleluna on Instagram for launching this and big thanks to A'Driane Nieves, www.addyeB.com my facebook friend and supreme artist for sharing this with me.

Sometimes Allowing Yourself Not To Want Is Code For Worthlessness

I have been acting like to want anything is to be unworthy of everything.

It came full circle this morning in church as I was reading the 23 Psalm... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

I realized that in not allowing myself to want, what I am really doing is saying I don't deserve.

As I inventory my life I can clearly see where I am doing this. I am doing this with money. I am doing this with weight loss. I am doing it with launching my projects. I am doing this in seeking a partner/lover/husband. I am doing this just about everywhere in my everyday practical life.

I dream a good game. And then I sabotage all my dreams because I won't say out loud what I want. I won't write down what I want. I won't take to prayer what I want. This is not a want issue it is a deserving issue.

As long as I don't think I deserve shit. I won't get shit. There is no plainer way to say it.

I remember when I was a student at the School of Spirituality at the Mercy Center. We were discussing God and prayer. I was saying how ashamed I was for wanting to pray for things that were unique  and personal to me when there were people in the world experiencing real hardships and losses. That my prayers were petty and selfish and insulting to God. I really did think this. My loving and divine teacher Sister Patty gently said God can handle it all. There is room for all prayers. God is big. You are reducing God to your human self rather than allowing God to be boundless glorious God.

This is what I know moving forward... Sometimes not allowing yourself to want is code for worthlessness. Getting to this understanding requires truth telling to my soul. What am I afraid of  asking for? Why am I not worthy of the things I want?  This is where I have the most work to do.

2016 On The Ready!

Sweet Sweet Sweet 2016!

I've got some old dragons coming back around. The learning continues. Old fights that have to be fought again! A few weeks ago I was ready to quit. I just had no stomach to battle the same shit again. I thought I won. I did for a few moments.... Just enough to catch my breath and see that I have to fight harder.

Sword at my side on the ready.