NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

They have made my life better... Stronger... More vibrant. There was no me before them... Truely. They have rescued me from despair. They have saved me from hopelessness. They have added a dimension to my life that did not exist before. All that I know about TRUE LOVE I owe to them.

There is no greater love on the planet for me than my love for these four. They are my greatest treasures. They are my greatest redeemers.

I invite those looking to build and or start a family... add to their family... consider adoption. It will change your life in so many unexpected glorious ways.

I Love This Life Of Mine.

I am winning in my life and I love it. Once I did away with what I thought I should be doing or should have, I was able to fully step into the "As Is". I like the "As Is"  it is my authentic self. The "As Is" isn't about settling, or compromising, or ignoring anything. It is about standing in my glorious self right now. My admiring gaze is about seeing myself right now in all my glory. There is no point to looking at myself with a critical eye.  Picking myself apart... deeming myself unworthy. There is a great deal of joy in throwing out trash talkers and naysayers. I've burned the bridges of folks who freak me out with their bullshit... who make excuses for their sedate lives. I am not that woman... the woman who settles or bows down or bends over backwards for bullshit. Never that woman.

I am She who is rising. Becoming more of myself than I ever could imagined existed. I like the me I see staring back in the mirror in the morning and at the end of the day. I love the sound of my own breathing and laughter. I cannot and will not tolerate bullshit ever again. 51 cannot and will not tolerate it. My passions run deep and I make no apologies for them... I am a full grown woman. I know how to do shit. I know how to move and change the world.

I am feeling grand and fine tuned. I am a gift that keeps on giving. I like that revelation. I ain't looking for no one to complete me. I am not looking for anyone to provide me with answers to my life. What I want is someone who is interested in supporting and safe guarding my dreams and aspirations. What I am seeking is someone who has his own dreams and aspirations that I can support and safe guard. What I am longing for is REAL connection... nakedness... non-judgement... honesty... love... and integrity.  There can be no settling of anything other than truth.

I am in love with my life. I have waged a long hard battle of acceptance. I love the woman I am becoming. The man that seeks me will know exactly what to do to get me and keep me. This is my epiphany today. I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not misguided or misdirected.

Iron sharpens iron.

My Lenten Journey: Stop Asking For Permission

I am noticing that when I am fully paying attention to my life, I can see where I have stopped myself from walking out on faith merely because I didn't get the permission I was seeking to do so. What? Who's permission do I need? Exactly.  That is the answer. I don't need anyone's permission to create and live the life of my dreams.

And yet... permission was sought...without even realizing I was seeking permission.  Permission seeking looks like fear.  Permission seeking looks like making everyone around you comfortable with your decision to move forward. Permission seeking looks like going back and forth with a decision that you already have the answer to. Permission seeking looks like indecision, doubt, and scarcity.

I never felt as though I didn't have the permission to move forward.  But in reality I sought the permission of of my audience... not my close friends and life cheerleaders.  I wanted permission outside of my circle. I wanted a seal of approval to validate and give me legitimacy. What will "they" think? What will "they" say?

I know better now.  But there are moments when I play to the audience without realizing it. In those moments I have to redirect my energy.  God has granted permission to every good positive thing that works to my benefit. The minute permission seeking shows up, I immediately get to my questions... What am I afraid of?  What is at the heart of this fear? I feel my way through the questions to get to the heart of the matter.

In the end, the only opinion that matters is mine. I have to stand in my courage to believe that I know what is best for myself moving forward.  My intellect, emotional maturity and spiritual growth are amazing tools to create and execute a plan that brings me to the life of my dreams.

I give myself permission to dream, to ponder, to fail, to succeed, to try again, and try again some more. The permission I seek is a smoke screen, a mask, an illusion. Seeking permission is really code for fear, uncertainty and doubt.

The work continues. Prayers open me to share this with God. This Lenten Journey is very much about getting my spiritual garden ready... turning the soul, like soil, over for new plantings.

Crisp Air Feels Divine

Fall is here again and I couldn't be happier or more sadder.  I have LOVED the last few Summers... warm weather has seduced me.... won my New England heart over.  But I gotta say, the crisp air is divine.  Having my bedroom windows open letting in the night air is perfect as I pull my down blanket closer (I sleep in a down blanket all year long). I am like Charlie Brown's friend Linus... the blanket is my security

This time of year has so much significance for my life... October is so full of all kinds of anniversaries and memories.  I take it all in, the good, the bad, the miserable, the sad, the celebratory and the divine. i could easily use the coming October as my time for resolution... a time for contemplation, a time to be still and watch the leaves fall fall fall.

A sense of hurry hurry slow down. Slow way down. Time to start cocooning and making soups, and checking children's coats.  Asking and checking who has outgrown last year's coat? And  looking to see who gets the hand-me-downs and can I afford to get all new coats for everyone?  And oh dear more boots and socks and mittens.

With the fall crisp air that is so divine brings with it, the spooky oohhhs.... the things that used to frighten  me. Nothing no longer has that power at least not at this moment.  All I seem to want to do is burrow.  I like that feeling.

The crisp air feels so divine. Breathing in is magical, breathing out is the prayer.  God's presence is all around.

The Under Utilization of Expecting Miracles

I do believe we have forgotten how to expect miracles.  Or maybe I should say we have forgotten how to be in awe of miracles.  We all know the miracle of birth.  And the miracle of finding someone, or something we thought was lost to us.  We only think of miracles as a passing quirky thing we say when we find our team on the losing end of a game "we need a miracle to win".  Or if we are going through divorce we secretly whisper "it's gonna take a miracle to find someone new" Or as I like to say, He will have to come bearing the Ark of The Covenant. Ha ha ha.

We are missing out on an action step that could elevate our mood and change the direction of a situation, or how we perceive a situation. I am talking about the under utilization of expecting miracles.  Gasp... a very religious thing! Miracles are all around waiting to be bestowed upon us if only we would look for them.  I am not talking about Abra Cadabra Presto Chango MAGIC!  I am talking about real miracles, unexpected shifts in outcomes that we originally thought were doomed.

In my own life I have taken up the charge of expecting miracles all the time.  I am rooted in this thinking as I move through stressful times.  I have done all that I can do in a situation and now I must set my mind to expecting a miracle.  It has been my experience that a miracle isn't  necessarily an outcome we desperately want, but rather an outcome that is suited to what we need most.  Perhaps a change of heart, or a different perspective.  Miracles are about grace (code for blessings) and our ability to keep the faith when things seem their most dire.  I know we all want what we want, when we want it.  And miracles flip the script....what is needed will come.  That is the miracle.  That is the ultimate lesson in every situation.  What we want is trumped by what is needed.  And what is needed is right for that situation.  Sometimes the miracle is the lesson.  Sometimes the miracles is the test.  And sometimes the miracle is the loss.  And that is perhaps the hardest one of all.

Everyday I expect a miracle, and everyday I get one, or two or several depending on how ready I am to look and see.  I am breathing this morning...what a miracle!  My children are bathed, clean and fed...what a miracle!  I have been in love....what a miracle! I need to continue to provide for my family...food, shelter, clothes.  As I plan I am realizing that in this moment all that is taken care of... what a miracle! Tomorrow is for tomorrow and right now the miracle has arrived.  I am keeping this thinking close to my heart as I move forward and the possibility of losing my home to foreclosure looms on the horizon.  I am refusing fear and chaos and depression.  I am instead standing in the place of miracles and faith. Knowing always that I have been brought this far by faith and there is no giving up now.