Karen And Rolan I Love You.

I saw her. I walked in and there she was. There was no place I could go to hide. There was no turning on my heels and leaving. God orchestrated this fate... I must face her... Deal with her... Deal with her in a room full of powerful women. Many who knew my story. The amount of shame and overwhelm nearly killed me. I wanted to see her over the years.. I wanted to explain. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to reach out to Rolan Joni Young Smith and simply say I am sorry for breaching and breaking your trust. But  the opportunity never presented itself. I had to do my time and that was all consuming for me. And before I knew it almost a decade had crept by.

My Soror, Karen DuBois-Walton was different. She never left my side. Even as I tried to get her to do so. She wouldn't. She just stayed and encouraged me to hold my head high. Even though her association with  me could cost her a great deal... She never wavered. Ever. Never. Ever. She said to me, get up and move about the day. I was suicidal and she said clearly as if she knew my intentions... There is nothing you have done that you cannot lift your head off the pillow in the morning. I was distraught. I was done. I was at the end of my rope and my life.

But of course the story does not end there. I am very much alive. And over the past several years I have come face to face with folks that I hurt and wounded by my actions. Each encounter has been holy. People have forgiven me. Forgiven me with the kind of grace that you only read about in the bible. With each encounter I am more prepared for the road ahead. Building my way toward redemption. Redemption isn't for folks to grant you... It is the peace you seek inside of yourself. It is the"Baby you gonna be alright" moment.

I have come full circle. I can put the story down now. The last piece that mattered to me has been found and put in place. She, Sister Rolan Joni Young Smith was that final piece. The fact that she opened her arms to me meant everything.

It is not lost on me how Divine Grace has lifted me to a place of redemption and forgiveness. I have come full circle. And baby it feels so good! The haunting of that part of the story is done now. I can move on with all deliberate speed. And trust me I am.

Karen DuBose-Walton I love you with every fiber of my being. I am in awe of your friendship. It comforts me and guides me forward. When every thing came crashing down around me... There you stood with a crimson & cream umbrella to protect me.  Your friendship and Sisterhood takes my breath away! It is undeserved grace.

Rolan Joni Young Smith, it was a dream... A far fetched, long held dream to repair what was broken between us. I lost hope. You did not. And for that I am forever in awe of your capacity to forgive. Thank you. I am better with you in my life.

This completes the story. There are no more fragments left to gather up. There is no one else I need to make amends to. The circle is no longer broken. I am truly FREE.

I am Free.

 Karen & Rolan

Babz & Rolan

Contrition, you Move Forward. It's Over.

There is no going back.  There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past.  I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous.  What is the point of that?

Five years ago I went off to prison.  So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating.  I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children.  I don't remember my divorce date.  But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007.  As if I am not punished enough.  I am acting as if I am not sorry enough.  I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried.  I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me.  But nobody's reminding me.  I am doing that.

I am letting this go.  Today is true liberation day.  It is behind me. 

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

My BEST Friend...Still A Man For All Seasons

Five years ago today, I was preparing to self-surrender to Danbury Federal prison Camp. My sentence was 30 days in Danbury, 5 months house confinement, and 3 years supervised probation.  That is all behind me,  all of it... probation being the last and that was completed 2 years ago.

On the night before I had to self-surrender, my best friend Ron, called me from Austin, TX where he was attending a work-related conference.  He called me around 10:00pm to check in to hear what the game plan was and to see what else needed to be done on my behalf and my children.  I let him know that all was done, everyone had their script, My ex would be moving back tomorrow and all the teachers and church family had the plan in place to support the kids and their Dad in my absence.

I thought that would be the end of our conversation... I thought an hour was good to fill him in and to assure him that I would be OK.  He wouldn't get off the phone.  He wanted to talk some more.  He was nervous about me going (like other people he had a very TV based perspective of what prison would be like.... I admit I had that Hollywood sense too).  So we talked some more about everything, politics, college pledging our Greek organizations, graduate school (which he recruited me for years before I actually applied and got in!).  We used to do these marathon phone conversations, when we were neighbors!  In those early days of friendship we would talk on the phone for hours and we lived next door to each other! 

By the time the sun started to rise, I finally had to hang up. But before I did, he wanted me to be brave, be my charming self, that this will be over soon and that no one had more resolve than me.  And that he loved me.

His friendship has been the most rewarding friendship of my life outside of my immediate family.  He has been the most honorable man I have ever had the good fortune to know.  We traveled together, we have laughed together, we have sang together.  We have enjoyed a friendship that is stronger than most marriages.

He has been for me a great love of my life.  He has been the father I wished I had.  He has been the protective big brother.  He has been my Knight in shinning armor on so many occasions.  He has stood by me when so many just walked away... including my then-husband.  He has never judged me.  He has never been ashamed of me.  He has been my biggest fan, cheerleader and confidant for well over 25 years.

I have never met a man of such honor, nobility and humanity in all my life.

God has been unbelievably good to me...sent me a friend for all seasons.

GUILT

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken for the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

I found this passage profoundly moving and divinely directed to me.  It is no accident that I came across this passage this week.... I finish federal probation this week.  I served 29 days in federal prison camp, 5 months house arrest/confinement and 3 years supervised release...probation.  It is time to let go of the guilt and for the last 3 years I couldn't let it go.  This passage illuminates my path toward letting go.  This is the week I let it all go and truly move on from it.  No longer hiding in shame.  No longer beating myself up.  I am worthy of being in this world and enjoying this life.

THE LOVE STORY REALLY ENDS... AND A MANIFESTO IS BORN

I crafted a manifesto yesterday for the man I thought I was in love with. The idea was to express my feelings on what I would be committed to in joining our lives together. This has been a serious bone of contention between us, as he has felt I've not been serious about giving this question some thought.

We were locked into a heated argument about my reluctance to talk about our communication problems. It all came to the final end when he said to me: I DON'T SEE ANY REMORSE IN YOU FOR THE CRIME YOU COMMITTED. ARE YOU REMORSEFUL? I was STUNNED! Stunned that he would come in at the tail end of one of the most life changing events in my life and say some stupid shit like that. I have paid for my crime. I have served the time I was required to. I have been on my knees to GOD and have been forgiven. To sit and listen to someone expecting me to be stuck in that place of sadness, desperation and humiliation is not what I want to be doing. Nor is this someone I want to be with. To have someone who claims to love me, sitting in judgement as though I owe him some sort of explanation is bullshit. My life is right now. Not what I did almost 10 years ago. So needless to say I told him to go away. We are no longer friends. We are no longer anything at all to each other.

This Summer has been amazing. The lessons learned have be invaluable. I've gained back my sexual self confidence that I thought was lost to me. I gained a renewed sense of being a woman who loves deeply and heartily. I am hitting my stride.

I realize that I need a different kind of partner who puts the wind in my sails. Who greets me in the morning with a happy heart, a big smile and laughter. Who is not interested in making me feel less than the amazing and beautiful woman that I am.

Oh this man and I are over and a manifesto is born!

So here is my Manifesto. I think it is a wonderful addition to my now infamous Love List (100 things I want in a Lover/Soulmate/Partner) (Check archives under The Love List for all the posts). Someone will welcome and benefit from this manifesto...I absolutely know it!

JOINING OF OUR LIVES
MANIFESTO
September 20, 2009

I HEAR BY DECLARE TO MY BELOVED,
THE FOLLOWING DECLARATION OF PRINCIPLES AND INTENTIONS FOR THE ULTIMATE PURPOSES OF JOINING OUR LIVES TOGETHER:

I love you. I want you in my life as my true partner, protector, lover and very best friend.

As such I am willing and committed to:
1) Loving you with an open and full heart everyday;
2) Respecting your opinions on life and how to live in harmony;
3) Co-partnering in the raising of my children without fear and reservation;
4) Creating a safe and harmonious home where we are both safe and loved and cared for emotionally, spiritually and physically;
5) Seeking your council on matters that affect and or, effect our union;
6) Always consider your feelings and your personhood as I make decisions about work, family activities and further educational pursuits;
7) Discuss all matters of home and hearth with you before any decisions are made;
8) Making health and the commitment to better health a priority for myself and the children; (includes daily exercising, walking in the evenings, family time at parks)
9) Share my hopes, dreams and aspirations with you;
10) Always think the very best of you and your intentions in support of me and this family.
11) Respect for your religious beliefs and customs; celebrate when and where I can in regards to my faith.
12) Indulge you and your eccentricities, passions and quirks. (as long as they do not harm you and our family)

What I need from you:
1) A open and full heart and commitment to day-to-day love;
2) Respect of my opinions, thoughts and insights;
3) Willingness to co-partner in the raising and rearing of my children;
4) Support in creating a safe and harmonious home where I and my children feel safe, loved and cared for emotionally, spiritually and physically;
5) Seek my council on matters important to you and your life;
6) Always consider my feelings and my personhood as you make decisions about work, your children & family, further educational pursuits;
7) Discuss with me all matters you deem necessary and appropriate for our home as they arise;
8) Continued support in our pursuit of optimum health for me and the children;
9) Share your hopes and dreams and aspirations with me;
10) Always think the best of me and my intentions for you and this family;
11) Respect for my religious beliefs and customs; celebrate when and where you can in regards to your faith.
12) Indulge me and my eccentricities, passions and quirks (as long as they do not harm me or our family)

A NEW DIRECTION....AND ON THE SAME PATH

Tonight I start at the School of Spirituality. The School of Spirituality is a two-year, ecumenical adult education program that helps individuals from a variety of faith traditions and communities deepen their basic understanding of Christian spirituality, scripture, prayer and mission. I am thrilled to have won a 2 year scholarship to sit and study and learn with like-minded travelers on this spiritual path.

I wanted to do this program a few years ago, but I had other pressing matters...serving time at Danbury Federal Prison camp and then 5 months home confinement. I was so thrilled when the opportunity came back around and I was able to apply AND get a scholarship!

My path is illuminating and all I have to do is keep taking the steps forward. This has been an amazing summer, filled with passion, and love found and love lost. What is needed always comes. I do not believe there are distractions in life. I believe that every encounter with a person, place or thing is designed to grow us and shape us. There are no accidents in life, GOD is a master choreographer, architect and guide. Sometimes the lessons before us are simple, sometimes they require further discernment. I am moved to follow this new direction.

WIN...BRIAN McKNIGHT

On September 11, 2006 I stood in Federal Court pleading guilty to a crime I committed. Time has passed and in remembering, I am no longer haunted, shamed or afraid of that period of my life. I've come on through and I am all the better for it. It is amazing what the human spirit can do. It is amazing the power of our minds to elevate us from despair to joy. I humbly and profoundly believe that in God's care all things are possible.
So this song by Brian McKnight is speaking to my spirit and reminds me of how far I have come and that redemption and forgiveness is not for other people, but for me too.

REMEMBERING DANBURY...A REPOST

Last year this time I was serving day 2 of my federal prison sentence. I do not intend to spend anymore time on this. But I did want to lay out for myself the contrast of what this October looks like in comparison to last October. This February 2008 post still resonates with me and is probably more appropriate today than in February.

Today I am happy. I am in good spirits and I am in love with this life. I am surrounded with loving and caring people. I am moving forward with a full heart and a loving spirit.

REPOST from Thursday, February 21, 2008

REMEMBERING DANBURY
I have not talked a great deal about serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Not because I am ashamed or find it upsetting. Quite the contrary. I am not ashamed to have served there. I am over that. There is nothing I can do about the past. And what is the past anyway, but memories in your mind. I haven't talked about it because I wanted to create a real space for it. To give it respect. To honor that time. No I am not holding it up as a thing of pride, but as an experience that has shaped my rethinking about my life, how I choose to come to love and community and GOD.

From an outsider's perspective 30 days...actually 29 days is not a huge amount of time. For me it was an eternity. I still think I can't really share my experience here in the way that I need to. Perhaps I will dedicate a series of posts or perhaps some other outlet for its release, or maybe not.

My life when laid out is big. It is grand and sweeping and full of lots of different kinds of experiences and people. I have done a lot, seen a lot, been a lot of different things and I am still evolving into the woman I am destined to become. I am getting out of my own way...OK most days I am getting out of my own way and letting the spirit of God move me forward. I am acutely aware of that. I am opening myself up to new experiences and new people that will only add positively to my evolution. Danbury does not loom large over my existence, but it does have its place. The women I met while there were some of the most gracious and caring women I have ever met. I think of them often and I hold them in my prayers. I know they are thinking of me from time to time...I can feel their spirit wishing me well.

I am fearless and forever prayerful and exceedingly hopeful about the world and my place in it. I recognize the grace of my life and the love that surrounds me. I am living in the right now and I am loving it.

Happy 39th Birthday to My Blog Sister Sista GP

IN FINE COMPANY: THE BLOGHER INTERVIEW

BlogHer Contributing Editor and Sister blogger Nordette interviewed me for an article "Baby and Me Behind Bars: Number of Moms In Prison Grows" she penned for BlogHer. It is about Mothers in prison raising children. It is an amazing piece of writing and I am so way over the moon with honor that she wanted my opinion on this subject.

Take a read and comment there and here. Also if you are in the mood for some fine writing check Nordette at her blog Whose Shoes Are These Anyway?

I LEFT MY HEART IN...

Tomorrow I am off to the Blogher Conference in San Francisco . This is remarkable on so many levels. For one, last year this time I was waiting on sentencing. My attorney thought perhaps I would have to do 6-9 months in federal prison. The maximum sentence was 14 months. Needless to say I was overwhelmed. I am still not ready to talk about what that meant and how I felt. The thing that is remarkable to me is that I remember stumbling upon Blogher.com. I joined just as they were announcing their conference in Chicago. I said to myself I can't go this year...but next year I will be there. I knew I was going even before the sentencing. Here it is next year and I am going! I am going because I fixed my mind to go. I was sentenced to 30 days. I served 29 days in a federal prison camp. I did it with as much grace and dignity as I could.

It is amazing getting ready to travel and pack and coordinate the care of my children because last year it was a different kind of preparation. Last year I did not let myself get caught up in leaving my children. I went about the business of creating a seamless plan for their day-to-day experience. They would not miss out on anything because I wasn't there. I made arrangements for every aspect of their lives, I left instructions for everyone, even the back-up plan had a back-up plan. This plan for this trip is different, I will be back in a few days. This is joyous and exciting! My "True Love" friends are making this trip possible. And I am speaking at the conference too so that was a huge blessing and relief in expenses.

I am however a bit nervous about leaving my children. They are feeling a bit anxious about me leaving...they remember last year. I remember last year...we all remember last year. I almost don't want to go because I don't want them afraid. But I must go because I don't want them afraid. They have to see me come and go and come and go. I am anxious and trying to hold it all together. See this is where good sex could help in this...LOL! I could relax and all the tension could be worked out...but I digress.

I am getting ready, doing my last minute what-nots. This is an incredible time in my big life. I am in awe of the power of love. I am in awe of the power of community and I am in awe of the power of friendship and LOVE.

REMEMBERING DANBURY AND LOVE AND PASSION POEM #21

I have not talked a great deal about serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Not because I am ashamed or find it upsetting. Quite the contrary. I am not ashamed to have served there. I am over that. There is nothing I can do about the past. And what is the past anyway, but memories in your mind. I haven't talked about it because I wanted to create a real space for it. To give it respect. To honor that time. No I am not holding it up as a thing of pride, but as an experience that has shaped my rethinking about my life, how I choose to come to love and community and GOD.

From an outsider's perspective 30 days...actually 29 days is not a huge amount of time. For me it was an eternity. I still think I can't really share my experience here in the way that I need to. Perhaps I will dedicate a series of posts or perhaps some other outlet for its release, or maybe not.

My life when laid out is big. It is grand and sweeping and full of lots of different kinds of experiences and people. I have done a lot, seen a lot, been a lot of different things and I am still evolving into the woman I am destined to become. I am getting out of my own way...ok most days I am getting out of my own way and letting the spirit of God move me forward. I am accutely aware of that. I am opening myself up to new experiences and new people that will only add positively to my evolution. Danbury does not loom large over my existence, but it does have its place. The women I met while there were some of the most gracious and caring women I have ever met. I think of them often and I hold them in my prayers. I know they are thinking of me from time to time...I can feel their spirit wishing me well.

I am fearless and forever prayerful and exceedingly hopeful about the world and my place in it. I recognize the grace of my life and the love that surrounds me. I am living in the right now and I am loving it.

Dorothy E. King
CJ--The End

go forth

knowing

that i love you

that i wish only good things
for you

that i hope you find your rainbow
with a golden pot
full of whatever it is you desire

that while our time together was brief
it filled a lifetime worth of dreams

go forth
with the tender feelings
i tear from my heart
to share with you

go forth
knowing
that i will remember it all
every moment

HOLDING IT DOWN

Yesterday was a tough day. The job that I thought I was going to interview for can't hire folks on supervised release. I am beginning to see how difficult it is for people on probation or newly released from prison. I have skills, education and a strong professional work history, and still it is going to be an uphill battle. Or maybe not. Maybe I have to think about this in a much more optimistic way--which suits me. I am very optimistic by nature so I can't imagine that I wouldn't find a job. It never occurs to me that I wouldn't find a job. So last night I cried myself to sleep because I was feeling overwhelmed and alone and tired. But this morning I popped up said my prayers and I am right back to holding it down. I said this before and it bears repeating--Alice Walker wrote: "The way forward is with a broken heart". So I am holding it down like a Warrior Queen and I am moving forward with my broken heart in tow.

THE SPELL OF PRISON IS BROKEN...AND I AM SO FINE

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTED MY BLOG WHILE I WAS DOING MY TIME.

Thanks to my Sister Lo for holding it down for 29 days. She mailed me the blog entries a few times and they were really good. My sister is so talented. I must have missed that gene.

I have a lot to say about my prison camp experience, I just need a bit more time to process. I should have blogged earlier, but I couldn't. I just didn't have the nerve to do it. But here I am, today was my day to snap out of my pseudo-funk and break the spell of prison.

I am grateful to be home with my kids in familiar surroundings. I'll have more to say in the days ahead...trust that.

SEE YOU LATER ALLIGATOR...

...BACK IN AWHILE CROCODILE. See you all in 30 days, however in the meantime, my Sister Lo will be holding it down.

Love,
Babz

THE COUNT DOWN IS ON...YIKES!

Next Monday, Oct 1, 2007 I will self-surrender to a federal prison facility to start my 30 day sentence. But I am not there yet. I have today, tomorrow and the remainder of the week to get my proverbial house in order. I have to make lists for my estranged husband. I have to make lists for my brother, their Uncle Robert who will take to them to music lessons on Wednesdays. I have to make instructions for pick-up for Aunt Betty, who will pick them up everyday except Wednesday. I have to give contact info to my girlfriends Karen and Robin and make sure my sister Lo has everything because she is the back-up in NJ. I have to make blog-log instructions for my sister Lo and my best friend Ron--Yep they are going to guest blog for me while I am away. I am already feeling overwhelmed, I need a list to keep straight about the list I have to make. I am not nervous or scared yet, I am just trying to remember all that I have to do to make sure the kids are taken care of. I am keeping in the front of my mind that the hardest part is over--the waiting and the not knowing what will happen. I have been sentenced and I will be doing my time in 7 days. Doing the time is the beginning of the end of all this shit. And that my friend is joyous!

OCTOBER 1, 2007 12:00 NOON

October 1, 2007 12:00 Noon is my self surrender date. I got my letter yesterday in the mail. Let me back up. I took the kids over to see their Dad yesterday. They haven't been to his new place. I haven't been there since he moved there. I was stunned at how lovely it was. I mean it really was well appointed. So now now back to getting my letter from the U.S. Department of Justice, United States Marshals Service about self surrendering; I was completely numbed by it. I was so full of emotion about my husband's place that the letter was almost the last straw. I had no physical feelings--all the feeling had drained from my body and I was hollow. That is how great the pain was, that it left me feeling-less. I tossed and turned all night. So where am I now. I am trying to stay afloat and stay focused. I am trying to keep it moving. I am trying to stay grounded in my faith. I am trying not to think of falling down. I am trying to remember that I am a mother and that no matter what my kids need me. I am trying to hold on, I am trying to remember that I have people who really care about me. I am trying to remember that I am not alone. I am not alone even as I sit here in a quiet house with nothing but the sounds of the radio in the background. I am trying to remember that it doesn't matter about the whispers and the gossip and the shame and the humiliation. That there is only right now and the possibility of tomorrow. Ain't shit I can do about yesterday. On October 1, 2007 12:00 Noon I will surrender to do my 30 day sentence.

THE WAIT IS PUNISHMENT

I am awaiting my reporting papers from the Board of Prisons. My sentence of 30 days of imprisonment is schedule to start anytime between September 14 and October 1, 2007. I am hoping anytime after the 9/21--that's my son's birthday and we have a family birthday tradition, each child gets to make their own birthday cake--they pick the cake they want to make--vanilla or chocolate or some combination, they choose a color for the cake and the frosting--we use food coloring. My youngest daughter is still in the pink phase, so her cakes are always pink, pink, pink. My sons are into blues and orange. Anyway, as I am getting closer to my report time, I am grasping at remembering every little detail about my children. Mind you we haven't told them that I will be away--we will shortly. I am just waiting until I get a definitive report date. Each hurdle I have jumped since all this started is finally coming to an end. I have to do 30 days in prison, I have 5 months home confinement and 3 years of probation. And this will all be a distant memory. The wait is punishment. I feel like I am holding my breath under water and don't know when I will get to the surface. And yet, I remain optimistic, happy and in love with the transformation of my life.

MY LIFE: WORK IN PROGRESS

Finally I am starting to feel OK. The last couple of days have been some of the most intense days I have ever experienced. The court experience was quite overwhelming on top of press buzzing around. The next day newspaper coverage was fine. A local news blog had a lot of negative comments from folks--some comparing me to Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. Hhmm, that's how you know there are a lot of people who could really use a friend. To compare me to those young women is funny. So now I can focus on the next hurdle of getting ready to serve my time. I am just so grateful that all this is starting to move behind me. I have been living with this so long that I am going to have to work hard to get my life back to pre-scandal. The Judge suggested that I get my life back to where it was before all this happened. I am going to do just that---yes, it will take a bit of doing. But as I said, I am choosing happiness. I am walking forward and I feeling good.

MY DAY IN COURT: THE SHORT VERSION

Yesterday was my day in court. It was such a moving and exciting time that I am not ready to think about it or talk about fully...yet. I will in time talk about it. In a nutshell, I was sentenced to 30 days in prison, 5 months home confinement and 3 years probation. This was a blessing. This was way better than I or my Attorney hoped for. I will talk about the day in court and all the drama and excitement later. And yes the local papers have me and my family plastered on the front page. And I don't give a damn. I know what I am facing. So this is my Theme for the moment--this song from Michael Buble--I don't know how to add music to my bog so I haven't linked it, but here are the lyrics...yep, this is how I'm feeling!

MICHAEL BUBLE LYRICS

"Feeling Good"

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

TOMORROW, TOMORROW, THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW!

..When I think of a day that's gray and lonely, I stick out my chin and grin and say...The SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW!

Tomorrow at 12 noon or sometime thereabouts, I will find out what my sentence will be. I remain steadfast in my peacefulness. I am choosing happiness no matter what. If I am sentenced to prison...off I go. If I am home confined, home I will sit. All I know that next year this time, this will be a distant memory and I will be doing my probation. I am changing...transforming. I am a woman growing into her own skin. This has been an ordeal of amazing proportions. I could not dream this up...but I must have. I attracted all this drama by my actions. I have created the energy for all this drama and only I can stop it. I am stopping it. So tomorrow I will go to federal court with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart. I am the architect of my destiny and tomorrow is but a pit stop. I am not going to bed with this on my mind. And this weekend will be a local news black-out--I am not interested in what will be written--it will not be uplifting. I am moving on and it's sunny everywhere I go.