My Lenten Journey 2012: What Am I Willing To Leave Behind?

What am I willing to leave behind?  This question goes beyond this Season of Lent.  This is truly a life changing question that is perhaps the foundation for any change that I make moving forward.

Whether its old habits, toxic and stagnant relationships, or mundane average thinking.  What am I willing to leave behind?  Can I be truly be honest with choosing the things that I must let go of in order to live free?  I have done a great deal of self-analysis over the years on this blog.  I have dissected myself for the world to see, but even with some of that, I have been hard-pressed to let go of all the things that keep me stuck.

Truth-telling is hard work.  Standing in my mirror and really looking into my heart and mind is no easy task.  I can easily be too harsh, or go too easy.  I can see what I want to see or I can focus on the worst parts.  There has to be a balance and  for me, getting to the balance is the biggest challenge.

This Season of Lent I am committed to asking what am I willing to leave behind in order to begin anew?  What can I let go of and never return to?  This simple Christian question is a life question indeed.  Perhaps this is my age old question underneath all the other self-awareness questions that beg me to answer... Who am I and what do I want?   Maybe the question moving forward is Who am I to God...in God and what does God want for me?  Is this an aha moment?  I am thinking so.  I am feeling like this moves me into a different direction away from thinking about me alone, and into thinking of myself as a community. Hhmm, will save this thought for another post.

I am taking to prayer today, the overarching question of what am I willing to leave behind?  I need divine guidance on this. I don't want to hastily rattle off a list of things I think I could let go of.  I want to move as God would have me move.

Grasping

Today is one of those days that you wish you could do over.  I didn't work out this morning.  I let the chimes sound at 5:45am.  I got up and turned them off and got back into the bed.  After I dropped the kids off at school I could have worked out at 8:00am.  I got back in the bed for another 90 minutes. I felt guilty and did not enjoy the rest.

I am grasping for motivation.

This afternoon I picked up my daughter and her friend from school, I have a couple of hours before I have to pick up the other three beans.  Someone hits my car.  I felt all alone.  I called my Ex and let him know.  He did  not offer to come and...insert my fantasy (handle it, take care of it.) I felt alone.  No one was hurt.  I just wanted to have someone be there. Or at least call.  My Sister Lo reminded me that I have a wonderful village of folks to call who could be there within minutes.  I had forgotten.  I was wallowing in a lie that I had created in my own mind to feed my self-pity.  Damn.

I am grasping for motivation. I am in that place where I know I have to dig deep to find the grace to push on.  I am in a funky mood. I'd like to think this is when I am at the break through!  Where my ship sails in.

I am not going to beat myself up any more.  I am going to get a good night sleep and start again tomorrow morning...God willing.

The thing about grasping for motivation is that I recognize it.  I know what this is and I am not afraid to allow it to pass through me.  I am only going to let it pass through, it is not staying for an extended period of time. I am done wrestling with emotions and depression and moods.  I have long since decided to revere all my emotions, give them room to be and then allow them to drift out, the same way they drifted in.  I am not giving them more power by hosting a parade and allowing them a grander status.  Depression does not need a suite in my temple; it can however have a corner in the basement.

The work of self care is ongoing, requiring me to tend to myself as a priority. I must be my priority!  It is so easy to get worked up into wishing someone else would come in and rescue me.  I know better. The fantasy is too much in my bones and psyche.  I am surely no damsel in distress.  So there is something else at work here ( another post in the making).

I am acknowledging the fact that today I am grasping for motivation.  Just today.  Tomorrow will be decidedly different.

Inviting Myself To Love

I am inviting myself to love. 

This is the moment that I invite myself to love.  There are no more excuses.  I have grown a great deal since Mr. Love left and moved to Baltimore.  I have wrapped myself in my truth and re-examined my past with a fine tooth comb.  It is time to let the ghosts go.

What I used to know and believe about love has shifted.  It is not about what someone else does.  It is what I am willing to do that defines the depth of my love.  I have to give what I need. I have to be what I want.  These are not empty sayings used to keep us all pseudo-spiritually in tuned. This is the God's honest truth! As long as I stay focused on what I need someone to bring to my life, I will always be waiting for the fantasy love...the ghost love...the unrealistic-but-it-works-in-the-movies love.

I have been the barrier to the very thing I said I wanted and when it (He) showed up I did everything in my power to reject him.  I waxed poetic on my blog about his short-comings and failings.  I whined about his inconsiderate behavior. I went on and on, about what he lacked, what he didn't bring to the table, what he didn't have.  I was a shrew and I lost sight of what was important.  He loved me and offered all he had, and laid himself at my feet. I only saw lack, and not good enough.  I climbed so high up on my mountain, that I had forgotten what the climb cost me.  I was more than selfish.... I was unreasonable.

It is a new year and I am answering my long asked question of who am I and what do I want?

I am going to get my Man back.  Bring him back with a new sense of purpose, direction and commitment. I am coming in from  the cold.  I throwing my arms wide open and I am letting love flood my inner and outer being.  I know what I am doing.  I know who I am and I know what I want! 

I have spent time alone looking at my life in totality.  I have gone around and dated and chatted and flirted.  Everything leads back to him and the life we could build together.  We have both grown.  We have both been right and wrong. 

I am inviting myself to love this year, right now.  No fear. No hesitations. No reservations.  Full steam ahead. Focused. Determined. Joyous.