Happy Un-Anniversary 2007

I thought this was worth re-posting. I have indeed moved on and I am not looking back. I am in a good place. Tomorrow is October 1, 2014. I find October to be a time of magic for me. Tomorrow I usher in a renewed sense of energy. I am in a good place, but I am also complacent. I gotta push myself beyond my comfort zone. I gotta amp up my drive. All the signs are there.  My heart is yearning for something more.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different. It's time to sprint!

So as I take this Fall as my jump off time... my resolution time... I am standing in a kind of grace I thought would be a longer time coming if ever.  I've conquered much, cleared a path and now I gotta haul ass to the life I've been dreaming about.

Happy Un-Anniversary!

Babz is on the come-up ya'll! 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Contrition, you Move Forward. It's Over.

There is no going back.  There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past.  I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous.  What is the point of that?

Five years ago I went off to prison.  So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating.  I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children.  I don't remember my divorce date.  But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007.  As if I am not punished enough.  I am acting as if I am not sorry enough.  I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried.  I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me.  But nobody's reminding me.  I am doing that.

I am letting this go.  Today is true liberation day.  It is behind me. 

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

Always Believe...

I Am Quitting Doing "Extra"

For as long as I can remember Fall has been a time for all kinds of new beginning, transitions and pure magic happens for me and to me. As much as I loved this Summer, I can feel the shift of energy toward the wideness of Fall. A chill in the air... the subtle change in colors from light bright to rich and bold and deep. I feel it in my bones the changing of the season. Oh I am transitioning again.

The last several weeks has dragged me back to re-exam my current state of being. It's truth telling time...  and I have decided to take on intimate relationship life. I have to dig in and look at what I am doing.

Historically, when I have gotten involved with someone I do too much.  I go all out... I buy shit.. I try to impress... I woo. I try to convince them that I am the one they should want. I become a woman on a mission. I did not it see this way. I looked at as being a modern independent woman.  a woman who had no problem asking a man. Making the first move. I did it all so that the man of desire wouldn't have to work hard.  I was already available. Add in alcohol and you got an intense, unauthentic woman with no real purpose or direction.

I shut it all down. I quit looking and being available to men. I stopped. Dropped out. I started the beginnings of what would become my spiritual walk and internal cleansing.

I got married and that changed me a great deal. It lasted 13 years.

I had stopped drinking. I learned about partnership and communicating and sharing.  I blossomed and grew to be content... with a bit of longing for something more and not fully understanding what the something more was.  When the marriage ended I was armed with a better sense of myself. A kind of maturity that resonated from the inside. My heart was broken, but I was stronger than I have ever been in my life. For several years I deeply and fully immersed myself in my spiritual growth, my emotional and my physical growth. I started this blog in the midst of a tough personal nightmare and odyssey. I was becoming the me of my dreams. Dating just seemed right. I was...am lonely. I thought I was ready to be open and inviting to a potential lover. Ugh.

So here I am dropping out of the dating pool once again. I found myself becoming too available to men... doing too much... aggressive.. and too inviting and accommodating. I see old habits and patterns showing up and that's not what I want for myself. I gotta quit trying to convince men to want me and allow a man to come for me on his own volition.

As I was doing "extra" it never occurred to me to stop. I didn't allow a man to work for my attention. Woo Me. Did I think a man wouldn't do that for me... come for me?... scale the castle walls for me? I must have thought that. I must believe this in my spirit. Deep down there is a belief that I have to prove my love worthiness... lest he not see it.  This is the heart of the matter... the truth.

If I didn't do the "extra"... go above and beyond, I might get passed over. Not seen as love worthy.

Damn. heavy to stand in this truth. To say to myself that I tried and did buy the affections of someone...by taking care of their needs way before I even considered mine. And it didn't matter what the need was... I rose to the occasion and met them.

So what I am going to do moving forward is be still. If someone asks me out for a date, I will weigh it and give it consideration.  I am going to spend my time NOT convincing anyone that I am love worthy. I am not asking anyone out. I am not enticing anyone to come for me or to me... NOPE that's over and I am going to be deliberate in paying attention to my behavior.  There is no convincing in love. I do not need to convince anyone that I am love worthy.

Back. Intact. Whole.

I am stronger. I needed to be silent and take it all in. Really take it all in.

I appreciate my SISTERHOOD... healing words are indeed like a balm in Gilead. I appreciate and I am grateful for the Brothers... The Bruhs who sent me private emails to comfort my broken spirit. You will never know how uplifting that was for me.

This I know for sure, online dating is not for me. I have taken down all my profiles. I am too vulnerable, too open and too whimsical. I have come too far to tumble backwards into despair. It was a powerful lesson. Stunning and painful. Life changing and I suspect on many levels necessary.

What's next? Oh EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!

I'm back and intact. Whole. Fearless. And ready to keep moving on. Truly.

Good Bye For Now.

As I write this I can feel the tears welling up.  I've been in this state of sadness for a few days. I think the bubble of living an enchanted life is falling away. My optimism for the world is dimming.

The aloneness  is overwhelming. So much so that I've taken up dating with gusto... posted my profile on a couple of popular dating sites. The last date, I put myself in harms way.  I met this man online... we met at midnight for a quick glass of champagne...20 min conversation--oh so romantic. Good-bye until we meet again.  We made plans to meet a few days later. Yes of course we talked on the phone endlessly and incessantly leading up to the first and second dates... at one of my favorite watering holes and he arrived late.  He seemed weird, scattered. We sat down and the conversation was disjointed.  He didn't seem really interested in connecting. 45 minutes later, I decided I had enough.  He paid the check and asked if I would give him a ride  to his car.. sure I say, he said he parked just down the street.  He gets in my car I drive to his car... I unlock the door and say good night.  He leans over and locks my door, puts his left hand on my back and begins rubbing my back.  In a split second I knew I was in trouble or this was going to be a problem.  I said firmly please get out of my car. He sat there and asked if he could give me a hug. I said NO... I don't know you. He offered his hand, I shook it and said a firm good night. For a split second I could tell he was thinking about pressing me further... weighing his chances.  I think given where we were on a very busy street in a trendy bustling neighborhood was my saving grace. I drove off...deliberately driving out of my way to my house in case he was following me.  I was so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? So fucking trusting of a stranger? I know better. I realized in my haste for connection with someone I didn't protect myself. I am so desperate for a loveship that I just put myself in harm's way.

So these last few days have been illuminating.  I have to do things a different way. I have to stop what I am doing. Clearly, I am not ready to take on the responsibility of dating and putting myself out there. 

I think I have to give up the hope that there is a real possibility that all the love I've had in my life is all the love I am going to get and that is enough for 100 WOMEN!. I don't think anyone will ever come for me again. I have to just quit seeking.

I am in place I've never been in and I don't know how to get out of it. So, what I know to do is to retreat to my fortress of solitude. I need some time down. Heal myself. Be quiet.

Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not. 

Good bye for now.

How Do I Love? Part 2

I was talking to my sister Lo the other day about how I am moving forward dating and I said to her, I want someone to be good to me. I want someone who wants to see me happy and joyful. I want someone to bring peace and goodwill to me. I want someone to be good to me without question or fear or conflict or condemnation or judgment. I am all that I ask for.

I've never known anyone to bring that kind of love to me. I always thought I lacked something that would allow for that kind of love. It never occurred to me I was just choosing poorly.

I was choosing poorly.

I clearly see what I need and want and pray for. I want kind words, I want an attentive spirit. I want witty banter. I want stability and unconditional love. I want affection. I want affection that isn't used against me or as a whipping stick. I want someone who is fearless and bold and loves my boldness. I want someone who has a life he loves. I want someone who has room for me and all my quirky shit.

I want laughter all the time. I love like this. I have always loved like this. I just didn't trust my own heart and mind.

I just chose poorly. I cast my pearls before swine willingly because I didn't trust that what I needed and wanted would show up... or even existed. I had no faith in true love.

I settled for bullshit over and over and over and over again and again and again.

Not this time. Nope, not this time. I either live a passionate life or I don't, I either have someone who is my everything or I don't, I either bask in the glow of my own brilliant light or I don't.  There is no halfway, middle ground, almost, settle-for-this bullshit.

I know how to love. I embrace that and live in my truth. I know how to love and I know how to let someone love me.  They gotta come authentic, sincerely and only want my best at heart.

I know how to love. I've always have... I let the world convince me otherwise.

Here is my invitation and declaration to the one who would happily come for me: I know how to love.

I know how to love.

To Be Read... And Kept.

"There are two people you'll meet in your lifetime. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners that inspired them the most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It's the third you'll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book." ~ Unknown.