Nancy Wilson - That's What I Want For Christmas (Capitol Records 1963)

At Home In the Words I write...I've missed Blogging

These days of Summer are sweet and fleeting. I've been away too long. Away from this blog. This holy place where I live on the words I conjure.

So much goodness and chaos still surrounds me. I am happy about this... There is more goodness than chaos. Finally.

I am working on goals without reservation and without stop gaps. Some things still cause me grief and some things bring me great joy. I own it all with a grateul heart. I remain acutely aware of the passing of time. Running out of time hangs on the periphery. No, I am not consumed by the passing of time. However there is a sense of urgency still. I want to hurry and do all the things.

I saw the great Freddy Cole the other night in concert... He sang I'll always leave the door a little open. Sublime. I can't stop singing it. It feels like where I am these days. He sings it in homage to Lena Horne, his favorite singer. She sings it hauntingly and beautifully.  For me its not about the things of regret, or the foolishness of things hung onto too long. It just speaks to possibilities. That's it.

Clearing my path while I am alive.

I have been thinking about my things after my death...What would happen to them? Could my children handle the getting rid of my things? I don't think I want them to do that. I want to do it while I am fully alive.

I want to live with less. I want a smaller space. I want only the things that bring me absolute pleasure and joy. I want to live lighter. I want to think and feel lighter.  I'd like to try on minimalism... Or something close to it.

Lighter in many things. I signed up for adult swim. Golf lessons. Possibly tennis and perhaps will set up a basketball meet-up for old birds like myself who may have a little hoop dust left. And tennis with the unboyfriend.

Back to sorting and getting rid of things that I have collected over the years. Things that have long since lost their value to me. Getting rid of things that have seen better days. Getting rid of things that belonged to folks no longer in my circle and will never be again.

I feel like I am shedding my past and preparing for a future I never knew I wanted. I am aging and the world looks different. I want to be different in it. My children are becoming who they are and I must become who I am becoming.

Some of this is clutter. Some of it is here because it never got discarded. And some of it was quite comforting to have around. All of these truths have to be worked through and then abandoned.

I am turning 55 on May 2. I swear I feel differently. I can feel a sense of freedom just over the horizon. I feel my best days are ahead. Lighter days and uncluttered days are seeking to be my reality.

So this life is transitioning again. I am here for it!

It's Still Lent? (My Lenten Journey 2018 such that it is)

I knew I wasn't going to march into Lent with a plan. I am spiritually tired of the politics of the day. What does this mean? I am known for keeping a spiritual center and at the moment I am out of spiritual sorts. Actually, I am good and damn mad and I don't know how to make space for my anger and God. Oh, I know God can handle my anger. God is bigger than my imagination and anger.

This anger is twisted up with a whole lot of things that need to be unraveled. Children, money, health, lovers, community, and work. The politics of the day has upturned the apple cart and as I go to pick up the apples, I find there are oranges, and lemons and bananas and melons all spilled out. So I stand there lamenting the mess.

This is the state of my spiritual wellbeing. Looking at God with all this mess spilled out. How many times can I keep picking up my stuff off the ground?  Weariness. Anger.  Gawd, it's still Lent, compounding my angst. Like now, I didn't even want to write a post about lamenting Lent. Which isn't really about lamenting Lent...Just my current spiritual desert that is happening in the season of Lent. 

What to do? Asking what to do is a good sign for me... Denotes hope! There is still a spiritual mustard seed within.

Now to find my spiritual joy.

A Woman of Many Umbrellas

I am indeed a woman of many umbrellas. This has been so, as far back as I can remember. I've never done just "one" thing. I always had my hands and feet in this, that or the other. I am curious by nature. I learn by doing. I love by doing.

I used to be harsh on myself... Why can't I just excel at one thing. Why did I have so many interests. Didn't I just want to perfect one set of skills? Never! I could never just be about one thing. I was always peeking around corners and underneath a stairwell. If there was some new thing calling my heart, I'd run like the devil to it and throw myself into until I got what I wanted and then on to the next thing.

I can cook. I can write. I can sing. I dance. I create. I've made a living doing all manner of things big and small. Here I am on the verge of turning 55! I don't seem to be slowing down. I actually feel like I must rush full speed ahead. Not in a frenzied way, but deliberate and wide open. Maturity gifts you with a different sense of urgency. I have a clarity that serves me...I heed my intuition.

I find myself these days, full. Doing work and projects that push my creative juices to the absolute living end and I love it. It's raining projects, and social interactions and love. Up goes the umbrellas, not to ward off all this joy but to catch it!

What am I willing to Do For Myself?

Or, why the fuck am I not taking better care of myself?

I am in that category of “a woman of a certain age”… Hell, I am 54. I turn 55 May 2, 2018. I love my birthday. Those in my circle all around the world know how much I love my birthday. So, you would think I would be in the best of health, seeing how I love living another year and celebrating such every year.

It’s as if I am oblivious to the fact that I am human and need tending to. I am not the focus of myself. This is not a new lament. It shows up as weight loss efforts. It shows up as “I gotta get more sleep” because I only get about 4 hours a night. It shows up in managing high blood pressure and all the other “what ails me” shit.

I know what needs to be done. I am not at a loss for information and support and, Gawd, more information. I don’t seem to be able to “self-help” myself into any consistency or discipline. Why can't I just focus and press through? Why is this so fucking hard.

I've blogged about this over the years... My blog archives are filled with posts about motivation, dedication, moving as I see fit. Here I am back to being stuck. Maybe some of this is New Year pressure. Some it could be self-worth shit rearing up again.

I may be mixing two very different things into one bowl. What does taking care of myself really mean? And would I recognize the efforts? What is good health for me? Maybe I have too many unrealistic health goals that have nothing to do with health. I gotta think about this from a different perspective. In the meantime, I'll make a plan.

I'll keep you posted.

All The Good and More

Happy New Year! I made it! Hahaha! I am not surprised. 2017 was the most fun I've had in decades!

Last year it kicked off with the building of a Squad (Sorors Michelle and Markeshia) and from there we rolled everywhere. Three women... Sorors, up for adventures where the days took us. From a lavender farm, sunflower farm, birthday party in NYC, a vegan chocolatier and a reset in Jamaica. I rolled far and wide. Oh, and cigars and Scotch and more cigars and live music and wine, wine, wine.

2018 will not disappoint. So far it hasn't! I did the Polar Plunge for Parks... I jumped into the Long Island Sound on New Year's Day! It was 7 degrees outside. Below freezing in the Sound. Yeah. I did that crazy shit. Setting the tone for the new year. Jumped into my fears and walked the hell out victoriously!

There is so much I wanted to do in this life and I feel like now is the time to launch all the dream projects. All my hopes and dreams are so intimately connected that everything feels and moves seamlessly. A fluidity I am in command of.

I have two resolutions...I have no intentions of sharing them or speaking about them. This is the year of execution. ACTION! I wrote about the not telling of the resolutions over at my Medium site. Yes, I've been hanging out over there talking about relationships. Anyway, in the words of that great prophet The Godfather of Soul James Brown "Watch me! I got soul and I'm super bad".  I do indeed feel all of that!

Happy 2018. So much behind me and so much ahead. I am in the here and now doing my dreams.