When Great Trees Fall By Maya Angelou

When Great Trees Fall

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.

Maya Angelou 1928 - 2014

Closing Some Doors

I am walking through some doors and I am not looking back and when they swing shut, they will remain shut.

There is no sense in hovering in the doorway waiting for a good enough reason to come in and stay.  There is no sense in hovering in the doorway looking for any reason to flee. I am tired of doorways... I want to come in and be warm and welcomed.

I am making my moves based on what I need for the road ahead today... right now. I do not have to convince myself to do anything except be brave and honor my heart and mind and soul.  With as much clarity as dreams can hold and be, I am discovering more of what I want.

The push back from the world and my audience of naysayers (well-meaning, but not meaning well) can cloud my vision if I let them. I used to let them. I am seeing past all that mess, looking to the horizon.

Oh Babz, Gurl where you wanna be, what you wanna do? Ugh. I swear I feel all gived out. I want to be more selfish. I want to rescue me more. I want to tend to my creative spirit a bit more. It always seems the day catches me short and my little wishes and pleasures get shelved for another day. Yes, that is the mother's reality for awhile until they grow up and on.  Maybe I am feeling the shift of my children growing up and on... and I can see little pieces of time freeing up and the more I see the more I want until I can hardly bear the confines of routine and responsibility and commitment. Oh another door is closing...slowly for sure, but closing all the same.

I am embracing all kinds of uncertainty... last year I was terrified of more loss and more hardship. That door has closed too. The fears are at bay and I no longer feel urgent...rushed..panicked or totally scared. Eh.

Off to enjoy the rest of this glorious day. Opening the door to rest and relaxation.

Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mothers, Mother-Sisters, Mother-Fathers, Mother-Brothers, Mother-Cousins, Mother-Aunts, Mother-Grandmothers, Mother-grandfathers, Mother-friends,

The work you do is divine! One day doesn't even come close to celebrating the sacrifice and support and love you dole out everyday. But since this is THE DAY, then I invite you to accept the thank you!

Thank you all! The work of raising children is God's work. Mothering isn't limited to women giving birth. Nor is it solely defined by women who are considered worthy. We are all mothers.

OH NO The Poppy Field!

"You Can't Be Who You're Going To Be 

and Who You Used To Be 

At The Same Time"

T.D. Jakes, Oprah's Life Class

That is the dilemma for those of us who walk in our faith and walk in the world. The judgement of myself is harsher than any hell I could possibly be sentenced to upon my death... for living such a sinful life. Ha!

In my spiritual life as I grow mature in my thinking and in my faith. I have come to realize that the absence of sin is not the goal. I don't mean go and do all manner of things that cause harm and goes against God and humanity. What I am talking about is God cant be defined as the bean counter of sins. God's love has nothing to do with how much sin we have or live or do. The goal is always love. Love is the lesson. Love is the test. Love is the answer. Love is the question. Love is everything. Love makes you wanna do right and in doing right you get closer to God. And in doing wrong brings you closer to God... different paths same results... getting closer to God. The path of love is peaceful, joyous, liberating.

I've been exploring love for a good many years now. The kind of love that God calls me to....joyful, peaceful liberating. The kind of love that I have been running from my entire life.  I have been working to reconcile my spiritual growth with my longing for experiences I've had and thought I missed. My physical maturity is parallel to my spiritual maturing. This is so good as I stand in my body at 51. The realization of Bishop T.D. Jakes quote is like a balm and a punch at the same time.  It gives a name and definition to the uneasiness that I couldn't figure out... it is healing and tormenting. I can't be who I am going to be and who I used to be at the same time. Therein lies the long standing unnamed, undefined dilemma... until this moment. I get it. Now.

I suspect I've always gotten it, but tried desperately to dwell in the duality of that which is my life.  I want to do the things I used to do, because I feel like I missed out.  And yet I am called to a greater state of being...albeit unknown...a greatness still. The battle raging inward is about worth. Shame. And self doubt... and wait for it...FEAR!

Clearly the path is clearing for a new definition  that says I am becoming who I am becoming and who I used to be is of no matter any more. I am not interested in going back... or staying where I am. That's what I must embrace.  This is the poppy field Dorothy and we must leave. Shake off the tiredness and the overwhelming desire to sleepwalk through life. Too afraid to live bold and grand. Living an excuses driven life.  A life filled with lack and doom and gloom and chores and routine and drudgery. Of buying endless lottery tickets because to create your own abundance is too daunting. This is not about wealth but real zest for life! Deep breaths and nothing taken for granted. Yes, I've got to give up the poppy field and get over the fence and down the road to my destiny.

My Lenten Journey: Resurrection is Only The Beginning

For me the resurrection story is all about "Don't Be Afraid" begin anew.

I remember many years ago while I was a college student. I gotten a scholarship award and needed to get to New York City to receive it.  My dear dear Uncle Lonnie (now deceased) drove down from New Brunswick, MA to bring me.  We missed the ceremony...we were dreadfully late.  I was in tears. I felt let down.  And he said to me: There is no such thing as the end...nothing is final, unless you want it to be.

He was right. My not getting there didn't mean I wasn't getting the scholarship. It just meant I missed the award ceremony. His words have stayed with me... nothing is final. That is the Christ story. We all have the ability for the COMEBACK!

The moment I said I wanted to live, be, do, love, act, sing, celebrate a different way... My resurrection story began. The moment we are ready to change, shift, meta morph, the universe meets us and takes our heart's desires that were spoken aloud and works to make our dreams come true. The Easter Sermon this morning given by my minister Reverend Dr. Stackhouse was about being "OPEN" The key: Don't Be Afraid. "Don't Be Afraid". It was so clear and so profound and so divine YES! "Don't Be AFRAID"

Everything up to this moment has been propelling me to a high calling... to leave the ease of a mediocre life by the wayside. I hear that so loud and clear that I ache! Resurrection right now. Change right now. Be different and glorious right now.

For all of my life I have heard God. For all of my life I could feel the hand of God directing, comforting, protecting. I spent a great deal of time running and avoiding and trying to hide. Dying each time I failed. Dying each time I lost some material possession. None of that actually killed me. None of it.  And here I am staging a comeback. Recreating who I am... resurrecting a new life with new hopes and dreams and desires and wishes.

Transition is resurrection. Divorce is resurrection. Serving prison time is resurrection. Starting a new job is resurrection. Adopting children is resurrection. We get to begin anew and there is no stature of limitations on that.  Resurrection depends on our strength to step into the faith stream of God. Resurrection is only the beginning.  If you chose a fresh path... A new way of living, then life presents you a clean slate, a blank canvass. It is yours.  The strength is tested when those around you will do whatever they can to drag you back to who you were... refusing to see or accept the You you have become. And that is where the lesser story become the prevailing story. So rather than fight for the bigger story, so many just surrender to the lesser story and everyone is happy. That is my experience. Now that I am determined to move in the direction of my call, I see and experience the back slap... the discomfort, the projection of pain and fear. I experience the insults of folks who don't dig my shine... Always questioning Who does she think she is?

I am the the child of the most high. I've fallen and I am getting back up!  I am lifted on gossamer wings.  I am so bright that shades may not be enough for you  Buckle up... Strap in.  My resurrection story is just beginning and baby it's going to be a heaven of a ride!  I promise.

My Lenten Journey comes to an illuminating end. It has been wonderful.

HAPPY EASTER!

My Lenten Journey: I Will Stop Living My Lesser Story

I have been thinking about a piece I read at Relevant magazine online "Are You Called To Create" an interview with author Erwin McManus, "The Artisan Soul"

This simple quote excited me out of my skin: 

STOP LIVING YOUR LESSER STORY.

Wherever you are in your life..career, relationships use that as a platform to build a better life. I understand this and I feel it deeply in my heart. Since I began paying attention to the Season of Lent I always felt the strong connection of creativity and spirituality.

I am more my creative self now than ever before. I decided to tell myself, yes I am a creative person. In this new found discovery of creativity I feel more Christian than I ever felt before. This allows for a grander life story.

The lesser story has always been all the pain and misery taking center stage.  And whatever success (good things, happy things, good times) were quickly swept to the background because there was this sense of not seeing the good things as the reality. That those good things were happenstance.  That the lesser story was the "real" story.  This creative spirit begged the questions... why can't this be the "real" story?  Why can't the creative spirit take center stage and shine? God dwells there happily why can't I ? Christ was quite creative in sharing the good news. As I moved through my days with these questions, the creative spirit began connecting with the spiritual awakening and soon I began to believe that I am indeed a creative person. A lover of art and beauty. I see God's creativity and love for beauty in nature and in me.

Holy week is here, Palm Sunday is today and while my children are in church, I am home dealing with an emergency plumbing situation. As I sit and wait while the plumbing issue is being solved and repaired, I can see the beauty of the day out of my window while listening to John Coltrane's Giant Steps waft through the house. God is here with me. I feel the creative spirit wed to the divine. It is indeed time to stop living my lesser story and go for the bold, grand, story of how with God's care I created a bigger story... A creative, spiritually rooted story of love.

It’s astonishing to me that we have allowed people to take the Bible and turn it into a manuscript of conformity when it’s really a manifesto of creativity.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/are-you-called-create#RqRQjo4Y4GF0pigJ.99

It’s astonishing to me that we have allowed people to take the Bible and turn it into a manuscript of conformity when it’s really a manifesto of creativity.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/are-you-called-create#RqRQjo4Y4GF0pigJ.99

My Lenten Journey: My Prickly Spirit

I've been prickly. As in every little thing said to me is irritating me. I am easily pissed off.  I am moody and distracted and worrisome. I am impatient. I am quick to anger and wrath. And I am constantly hungry.

I am prickly.

How do I know? Well, when I am directed about being still, I see it for what it is.  Silence and stillness is illuminating... I see where the weak spots are. I see why I am so prickly. The doubts are slipping in and my gaze has slipped away from God. There are moments when I think I must do the saving and the fixing. I lost sight of God having my back. And that is where the prickly enters. I am doing too much and getting overwhelmed in the process.  I am treading into dangerous waters and I just keep fighting against the tide.

Losing sight of God and doubting the universe's commitment to work out things on my behalf causes me to be prickly. It is a level of selfishness that serves no one... not even me.  When I am so focused on my own lack, I miss turning my attention to the suffering of the world.  I put my own shit first, as if my shit is the only shit worth considering.  It is not.  I am prickly because I am anxious... I can't see the end game.  I can't see where this will go. I am living in the next moment and bypassing the present moment.

This is the heart of the prickly-ness... trying to get to the future while deliberately ignoring the present. Damn it, how did I get caught up in doing this? Ahhh, I took my gaze off God. I allowed doubt and fear to slip in and run amuck.  As I dig deeper, I can see where I can feel like I am not doing enough.  Worrying and wrangling my hands makes me feel like I am serious and doing something. To not worry, to move in my life as if my problems are handled seems like carelessness.  And therein lies the rub... the false sense of worrying as a solution. If I act desperate and sad, then I must be working on a solution? NO NO NO NO!

This thinking is trapping me into sadness and despair. I prefer happiness.  I prefer joy. So why would I turn around and allow myself to get wrapped up in a prickly spirit? BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THAT THINGS WON'T WORK OUT AND I'LL SUFFER AND MY CHILDREN WILL SUFFER AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

And that my friends is my deepest fear. The thing that scares me. And yet deeper still is this sense that all shall be well... it already is.  And that my life as a point of reference, clearly shows me where nothing was so bad that it killed me, or that I couldn't recover. As a matter of fact, I have thrived.

So perhaps this is the eulogy for the prickly spirit. Another fear is laid to rest. I can go on enjoying my life without shame, guilt and self sabotage. I deserve all the happiness I can hold in my heart. I believe that and I must live it as my ministry.

The prickly spirit is the manifestation of my fears... of not being in control of my future.  But really it simply calls me to be present in this moment and to let go of trying to be here and there at the same time.


Lesson learned. Path illuming.