My Lenten Journey 2015: I Need To Quit Trying To Do Lent

This year my commitment to Lent is difficult. I can't seem to find my spiritual rhythm. I didn't make it to Ash Wednesday service, which usually sets the tone for me. But then again, that's just an excuse. Perhaps I am too focused on trying to Do Lent, rather than experience Lent.

I can feel myself getting worked up about missing out on Lent, when really all that is needed is quiet time...deliberate quiet and stillness. I can't seem to give myself that time of quiet. What is the truth here? What am I trying to escape from now?

Lent is the time to look at the messy parts of your life, the parts that only God sees and cares about. The unresolved messes, the mean and nasty stuff. The hurts of long ago. The deep deep stuff that floats to the surface at the most inopportune times. I need to remember that when I want to make Lent some fluffy, lovely religious sentiment, sweet and gooey, that really I am missing the point of moving through heartbreak and waiting and praying and stillness.

What am I afraid of facing? What's trying to make its way to the surface. Lent invites that wrestling. Lent invites me to sit and allow God to show up for discussion and direction. It is anticipation. It is holding fast to faith. So rather than trying to Do Lent. Let me settle down and experience Lent, Deliberate quiet. Waiting. Being still.

My Lenten Journey 2015: Wine And Words

It is so no secret that I love this time of Lent. This time of dealing with the internal stuff with God.

Each season of Lent presents itself with is own purpose of focus for me. Over the seasons it has been the arts and creativity and personal development and spiritual growth and maturity. This season it's about meditation and the absorption of words in place of wine. I am giving up wine. I am giving up wine and replacing wine with words. Spiritual, sacred, illuminating, thoughtful, uplifting words.

These next 40 days will be filled with letter writing, and written contemplation of where I am going on this spiritual journey. I will write to friends old and new. I will write to strangers  far and near. I will write for 40 days as a way to be deliberately connected to what I say and what I do. I am writing to be a blessing to spirits who may need kind words for their hearts.

Long hand writing is a kind of stillness that invites God to be with me. It is active prayer.

I do believe there is something quite divine in sitting and writing words of comfort and peace. There is something celebratory about sending letters of good cheer and good news. And I do believe God is calling me to this task for further inner illumination and joy. I welcome the call to write. I welcome the return of wine come Easter when true celebration begins!

Repairing

I have been thinking about how to repair things... not just things in my house, although, that's a part of it. But things in my life... things that need fixing in my internal self.

So I'd thought I'd spend some time thinking about those things that need repairing. Things I do not want to keep patching up over and over again.

This will not be a long meditation. It's more of a notice to myself to look at those places in my heart and soul that are in need of repair.  I need time away. I need internal time. I need stillness.

I can feel the coming of great gifts and I want to be more prepared than I am right now. What tripped me up in the past has to be laid to rest.  Old wounds have healed and I want them to stay healed. The repair work is minor. I've done the heavy stuff over the last few years. It is time to repair and move on from those small breaks and nuisances, so that they do not have the opportunity to become full fledged problems.

I am moving in such a good place.

Beast Mode

It's been a long time since the stars lined up in my favor. I am taking a page from Marshawn Lynch... Straight out go hard! No, I am not going to grab my crouch and flip the bird... nor am I going answer question with "biscuits and gravy" Ha hahah although there are times when I just don't want to talk to people or answer ridiculous questions... but I digress. What I want to do is tap into the energy and commitment and dedication required to accomplish shit. And when I say shit, I mean my DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS and all the things I want for my life.

Struggling with self worth is a constant battle...a test of wills. But not as strong as it was a few years ago or even a few months ago. I still find moments when I am looking at myself with a very critical eye. I catch myself thinking about whether or not I am more or less attractive. I think about losing weight and how I am failing at that. My exercise plan is not a plan at all... no consistency... Although I keep attempting. I must get points for never giving up. I see other people achieving and while I am not comparing, I am thinking when is it my turn at love again? And so I look over my life and the patterns before me. Yes, I am in a rhythm that is fantastic and I am happy with the course my life is taking. It has been a long several years of holding on by threads and shards. I never lost hope that I could get to a better place. Even when things were at their most desperate and darkest moment. I just hung in and hung on. It is paying off. I am seeing the tides subside in many areas of my life.

Here I am wanting to press on harder! Beast Mode. I just feel like it's time for a BIGGER effort in all areas, especially in companionship, love connections, romance and stronger friendships. Maybe it's because my babies are self sufficient and do not need me in charge of every second of their lives. Maybe it's because I am acutely aware of the sands of time. I will be 52 in May and the desire to do it all is underneath my skin. Beast Mode is resonating with me. I like it. I want it.

I hadn't thought about loneliness in a long time. I don't feel lonely at all. My life is filling back up and I love that. I love saying yes and no to things and people and events. I love having the opportunities to choose yes, or no or maybe. I miss sex though. I miss having a serious lover...  I don't quite know what to do about that, and haven't given it any real thought. Perhaps it gets added to the Beast Mode agenda!

All I know is I gotta step up my game. I gotta go harder than I have ever done before to reach the goals I am setting. Beast Mode is the right motivation for the big tasks at hand. I am so ready!

I am I am

These days I am in a groove. The old fears that held me hostage  hover in the distance.
I am in a divine place of moving forward with grace. Nothing is troubling me. I got a rythm.

I am seeing the realities of things and I am not running from what I see. I am also not interested in nursing anyone's malaise. I can't hold anybody up or down, I am quite clear about that. And those that have stepped to me with some fantasy of happily-ever-after without any spiritual, emotional work done on themselves can just keep on moving.

I am excited and calm about the road ahead. What twisted me around last year has no influence this year. This is true grown woman shit.

I am I am. This life is balancing me out and I am in awe.

Back At It: Health Priority One

Eat Clean. Move the body. Eat Clean. Move the body.

Get proper rest. Get proper rest. Get proper rest.

Make time for quiet. Make time for quiet. Make time for quiet.

Read. Read. Read. Read. I have committed to 52 books for 2015. Ambitious. Yes.

Write. Blog. Memoir. Write. Blog Memoir.

Invite love. Invite love. Invite love. Invite love.

This is what is driving me for 2015 for my health. Both physical and mental.

Being and getting fit is the priority. That's it.

Hey Universe I'm Ready To Share

Underneath it all is that longing... that want. Everywhere I turn people are falling in love and getting engaged, committing to each other. I want some of that. No, I want a LOT of that. Oh I live a very full life... commitments to community, work, sorority, church, children, friends old and new. And yet there is still room for that one person. Lover/husband/Confidant/Friend/Partner.  There is room. Maybe there isn't and the Universe is waiting for a break in the busyness? Or maybe I haven't done enough to be found? Honestly I don't have the energy to parade and prance. I do well to glam up on the day-to-day hustle and get out the door looking pulled together.

I'm calling the one who has worked through his shit... isn't so fucking needy...and can command his own life. This seems an impossible endeavor. All I keep hooking are men who take more than they give... and they have nothing to give! Real talk. Yes, I own some of that, because I was willing to accept the nothing. 

This isn't a whine or a rant. I was standing in my master bedroom... that I just rearranged and I realized I could do with some company... a significant other. Not like the mess I just untangled from... hello... NO! What I am trying to say is that I am willing to own what I want in a partner/lover/husband. I settled, because I didn't believe what I needed and wanted existed.  But as I look around I see glimpses of interesting men who are slightly out of reach for one reason or another. And that gives me hope. I think I am getting closer to my gift. Yes gift. Someone sharing their life with you is a gift. I am a gift too. I am ready to share.

Hey Universe I am ready to share! And by ready I mean I am whole, and open and willing and inviting and unafraid.

Heaven please send to all mankind,

Understanding and peace of mind,

But, if it's not asking too much

Please send me someone to love