My Beloved's Prayer...

Dear God,
Please bless and nourish my beloved.
Surround him with Your power and grace.  Make clear the road that You would have him walk,
easy the goals You would accomplish in his life, and soft the pillow he rests on.
Use me to provide for him an ever more wonderful life.
Amen.

Marianne Williamson posted this on facebook the other day and I was moved to my core.  I was meant to find this prayer.  It has flowed from my lips every night upon discovering it. Although I do believe it found me just as God intended that it would.

RECOGNIZING FEAR

I have spent a great deal of time waxing poetic about what I want.  Going on and on about love, and dreams and wishes and aspirations.  But yet when I am primed and ready to meet my dreams head on, I choke.  I get bogged down in mess.  And the mess can seem valid and innocent.... a new relationship with its own set of demands, money challenges, family drama, or just doing way too much stuff that takes me further and further from what I say I want.

These are distractions.  Theses are all the things that come at us that take us off our game plan.  Yes I want those things...solid and supportive relationships, balanced check books, peace and harmony in my family.  But when those things become my only focus I lose sight of what I want to do to accomplish my dreams.  I mean do I want to stay in the dream state?  Do I only want to be wishing for my life to be grander?

I am creating and or attracting the distractions.  When I put one more thing ahead of my own projects I am saying my dreams don't matter as much as ______________ (fill in the blank).  This is my newest epiphany.  I am sabotaging my dreams by not putting real direction and purpose into my goals.  I am doing this.

The fear of getting what I want is not obvious and it doesn't show up and present itself as fear. Fear shows up as new demands on my time.  Fear takes over and draws my attention away from the very thing I want to be doing and sends me into the direction of things I don't want to be doing.  So when I walk past my unfinished projects I am filled with a sense of overwhelm and I begin making excuses for not doing what I say I am going to do.  Fear has sidetracked me and I let it.  Because as long as I am not completing my tasks there is no real sense of failure.  And if I can point to this other thing that needs my attention, then I am off the hook totally for not completing my task/project/dream, because the excuse becomes Oh, I just had to give my attention to this other thing over there. That's the bullshit.

This is a lot to take in and grasp.  But I do believe I am on the right track to changing that mindset and recognizing the many faces of fear when it shows up. 

LESSONS OF THE DAY....

These are the lessons I am learning today:

First lesson: That I can't say I believe in God and then act like I don't.  First the lesson...then the test. Every time some shit happens the first thing I do is lose faith in believing everything will be all right...WRONG. Faith is doubly necessary when you can't see how you are going to get through the challenge at hand.

The second thing I am learning is: Just because a situation arises and seemingly frazzles me or knocks me down, doesn't automatically mean I have to fall down into that thinking. Or act as if my shit is the only shit in the world that requires attention.  The world could care less about my shit.

Third lesson: I can control my emotions and to say or do otherwise is bullshit.  I yelled at Margeaux today and I was sorry.  She's 9 and I am 48 and she has no idea what I am up against so I can't respond to her as if she does. I gotta be in better control of myself.

Fourth lesson:  If I don't like my life I must make the changes necessary to make it how I want it.  I am the magic...duh.

Fifth lesson: Words are powerful and all the "I am so sorry" can't really undue all the hurt.

Sixth lesson:  If you do say hurtful stuff, act hurtful, own your mess. Apologize and behave in a manner befitting a child of God.

Seventh lesson: If you don't love yourself.  There is no way you can love anyone else.  If you are harping on things that you don't like about yourself, then it will show up in every relationship you encounter until you change your thinking. No one can love you more than you.

Eight lesson:  Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! There is no getting around that for yourself or for someone else.

Ninth lesson:  Be kind to yourself.  Be kind to others.  What does it cost you to be a raving lunatic....trying to "keep it real".  No one likes a bully.  No one like head games or manipulation.

Tenth lesson: Love is wanting the best for someone even if it's not being with you.

RADICAL TRUTH AND THE MESS I WAS WILLING TO BELIEVE...

Your radical truths are not running in parallel. In the sample above, your radical truth is serenity. And fear is the "demon" fighting that truth....HerSide, Battle Scars & Exit Wounds

Yes.  This is the Radical Truth.  Serenity. Peace. Joy. Love.

In my previous post a couple of days ago I was lamenting the duality of my life.  And my Blog Sister HerSide left me a very poignant message that I am starting today's post with....see above...read again.  When I read her comments I was immediately slapped into reality.  I was immediately reminded of how to walk in truth.  It starts with not holding onto mess, myths, lies and confusion.  There is no duality to my life.  As long as I hold onto the negative, the positive can't thrive.  As long as I allow the clutter of my mind, home, thoughts, stuff, grow and thrive then the positive energy has to fight to be heard, seen and experienced.  Yeah it's that deep and that serious.  I was prepared to believe the bullshit.  It is so easy to lose control of your positive energy.  It is so easy to find comfort in negativity.  It is so easy to give up choosing love because everything around you seduces you, woos you into despair.  It is a choice to live well.  It is a choice to live in love.  It is a choice to walk in truth.

I have to stay conscious all the time.  I have to remind myself that I have chosen to live a life solidly rooted in love. 

THE DUALITY OF MY LIFE.

These are joyous and challenging days.  I have the sense that I am where I am supposed to be, but there is a deep seeded sense of more to learn, do and be.

I am losing and winning all at the same time.  There are radical truths that are running parallel to each other.  I am serene and afraid at the same time.  I am optimistic and pessimistic.  I am existing between realities.   I am broke and rich.  I am hot and cold.  I am happy and sad.

I know what to do and yet I am very stupid.  I have what I need and yet I am drowning in lack.  I am trying to swim as I drown.  I am trying to be as I disappear.  I am at odds and at peace.  How can this be.  How can I live in this state of duality.  Maybe it's because I can't accept the realities of the now.  Or maybe this is my truth right now and I gotta just deal with the dualities.

I am strong and weak.  I am up and down.  I love and hate equally.  I want to live fully and yet I could lay down and die.

This has been my struggle for the better part of my life.  I took a personality assessment and it said I am unbelievably lonely.  Gee, I know.  And yet I can't tolerate people for long periods of time...except for my kids.  I find them delightful and interesting.  But, then again there are times when they are too much to bear.
I am living in this dual state like it's normal and perhaps on some level it is.  I am tired...all the fucking time.

But I keep moving.  Because I am not some mother in Somalia desperate to feed her kids.  I am not that woman in Afghanistan who just lost her son.  So I have some perspective and God knows I need perspective That is saving grace.  And no I don't have to look around the world for perspective.  I can look to the neighborhoods in my city where folks are up against it.  But that's not what I want to focus on.  Maybe I am too focused on my own shit.  Maybe I am spending way too much time feeling and thinking....duality again.

This is a remarkable time.  I am seeing more patterns to my life...same shit happening over and over again.  It is stunning what you can see about your life when you open your eyes and look for real.  Maybe I have been too long for the fantasy of my life and not fully rooted in the reality.  It this whining?  Is it self-absorption?

I am ready for a new day.  I am ready for not this.

I was thinking this period of my life was about Resurrection.  My time to come again.  Maybe I am being too premature for what is not happening.  Maybe I am not paying enough attention to what is happening...in a positive light.

Maybe I could take a page form those Somali mothers.... love alone can take you farther than you ever imagined.

Vacation is OVER and Good-Bye Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game - Official Music Video

This is one of my favorite songs. You can only sing this song if you know something about love...loss...pain and more pain. Yes, Ms. Winehouse knew pain and she sang it. I miss her already. And the only reason I am here and she is not is because I held on a bit longer... longer than her, longer than Phyllis, longer than Janis and many others.

The truth is love isn't a losing game if you change your mind about what you see, feel and believe. Amy ran out of time before she got that message.

Vacation is over.

VACATION WILL BE OVER SOON...or will it?

I am enjoying this time of vacation...lots of reading and thinking.  I will be back soon!