Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song [Official Video]

Love this song. I am on vacation! Just from this blog. Enjoy this song! I will be back soon!

VACATION, MORE THOUGHTS ON FAITH TESTED AND HAPPINESS

Vacation
I know better.  And this is what I know: I can't afford to jet off to some exotic locale for a week long vacation.  I can't afford to dash off for a long weekend.  So I must create vacation space in my mind and in my home.  I must find opportunities to chill out and relax right where I live and breathe.  Whining about going to somewhere other than here is distracting and keeps me from focusing on what I can do right now and right here.  Now I am not saying going off for vacation is wasting time.  I would love to live it up on a tropical beach and have fancy drinks brought to me poolside. The realities of my current life says I can't hop to the Caribbean right now.  So Staycation is my destination right now...not forever.

More thoughts on Faith Tested
These last few days were more difficult than I could even speak about.  I let myself slip into a terrible place and I couldn't seem to pull out. The gift here, is that I realized  I was choosing to be in that funky dangerous place. I knew better and that didn't seem to matter.  What mattered was that I let the pain set the direction for my life.  I let the pain rule my spirit.  Everything I did these last few days was from a place of pain...all my thoughts, all my actions, rooted in pain.  This is not where I wanted to be.  This is not where I am staying. I needed that bad patch of emotional mess. I needed to have that test to see if I truly believed what I said I believed. All that old mess that I dredged up was more distraction.  As long as I stayed stuck in it, I could use it as an excuse not to get myself back on my plan.  I was using outside mess to keep me from moving forward toward my very best life. Being afraid to go after your dream is what stops us all. This is why some people fail and some achieve. I see that in my own life.  I do not need any other examples, my life is my example of what I need to see and learn from.

Happiness
I am taking a break from this blog. I will however, still be over at www.eatdrinkdivorce.com   This blog... A Life In Transition will become a place of Happiness. From here on out I am going to chart my happiness and all the things that bring me joy.  I am making a choice to surround myself with people, places and things that bring me happiness.  I am not going to get caught up in other people's mess. I am done doling out advice on how to live, I am done with having circular conversations with folks about their love lives.  I am done spending time with folks who are only interested in wallowing in mess.  This is where I make real choices about how I want to live going forward.  This is where I make the decision to choose love over fear without hesitation and without looking back.  This is where I all out sprint toward my dreams!

FAITH TESTED

It is amazing how pain and suffering can keep you paralyzed and focused on your pain and suffering. I cannot lose sight of the fact that I believe in a restorative God.  A God who has been with me at the darkest of darkest moments, of abuse, abandonment, scandal, divorce, death of loved ones and on and on.  God has celebrated with me during the most amazing times in my life..graduating college, getting married, my first job, graduating grad school,  adopting kids, first house and on and on.  If my knot is fraying, I have no choice but to tie another and hang on.  If I am sad and lonely I must remember that I am not alone.  I am always in the care and company of the greatest of companions.

I went to bed last night feeling defeated, tired and very much alone.  But this morning I woke up with a different mindset. Not so much clarity, but rather a sense of peace. I have always been more than alright. I am going to be better than alright moving forward.  Diamonds are made from the pressure of the earth forcing it into existence. Children come through labor. Champion athletes win because they are willing to endure the suffering necessary for greatness.  There is no easy way to destiny.  You either hear and follow the call or you sit and stay where you are.  I have never been one to sit and stay.  No matter how much I wished I could.

There is a ministry waiting for me.  There is a Call and Send, that is preparing me.  These last few days my faith has been tested.  The pain I experienced were rooted in things that I thought I put to rest.  And yet they showed up stronger than ever and I was seduced by my ego. I took the opportunity to act in such a way as to let folks know they hurt me.  This is past mess and I got sucked in.  This is not not where I want to be and that past mess is not my deal right now.  This surely is a faith test.  I would have failed if I kept on going down that path.  This morning, I have u-turned.  I am putting my mind off the things that hurt and focusing on listening to God.

Yesterday and the days before hurt way too much, but it was because I let it. I allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to grow and take over.  I allowed my loneliness and pain, and disappointments to trump my joy, happiness and love. I was so focused on lack and loss that I acted as if there was nothing else in my life. It was overwhelming to me how I allowed past mess to stand in my present and run amok.  I acted as though I was helpless.

I am going to take a vacation from blogging.  Not a long one.  Just a few days to relax. Laugh. Hang around and do some other things.  It's been an exhausting couple of days.

FUCK IT, IT HURTS WAY TOO MUCH

I swear I am walking through the world trying to hold onto everything I can to stay grounded. To stay on this planet to stay amongst the living.  I am drowning.  This is not treading water. This is hopelessness. This is I am giving  up.

Fuck it, this hurts way too much.  I don't even know what the way-too-much is.  The aloness is crippling and blinding. I am reminded of what I don't have, what I have lost, what I have never had.  What the fuck. Everything is like a knife driving into my heart.  There is no comfort anywhere.  I just want to cry and scream and throw shit.  But I don't because I have kids and they need and deserve a somewhat sane parent.  Thank God for routine...cooking, preparing for their lives, taking care.  But even those things are slipping from my grasp.  I can feel it. I can feel myself at the end of my rope and the knot that I made to hang onto is fraying.

Fuck it, this hurts way too much. I don't know how to stand against this kind of breaking of spirit. I am fighting tears now and I am losing. I have tools, I know how to fight. I know how to be still and none of that shit is working! I swear it's like I am in this terrible wind storm and if i just let go, I'll blow away.  And being blown away doesn't seem like a bad idea. I can almost feel the relief.

DEAR LONLINESS... GET IN LINE, TAKE A NUMBER

The last several days have been quite illuminating.  I was stunned to realize that I am lonely...really lonely.  Not the I-don't-have-anything-to-do kind of loneliness.  The kind of loneliness that moves with you as you go about your day.  It is the looking up and realizing there is no one there to catch your hand, share a joke, cuddle with.  It's knowing you are alone and there is no one you want to be with, or anyone who wants to be with you.  I have great friends, but they have commitments and lovers, and kids and full lives.  This is real loneliness that requires more than just filling my days with endless activities. And wishing for some magical man to make passionate love to me.  If only it were that simple.

I think the way to move through this new awareness is to respect the fact that I know what I am feeling.  I can name it. Make room for it and move on and continue to do what I need to be doing.  The key here is not to stop and wallow and lament the loneliness.  The train has to keep moving.  Loneliness is not a pit stop.  Or maybe it is...for a minute. dear loneliness, get in line take a number.  There are other issues vying for my full attention and I am just one woman trying to make my way. 

Big Mark 243 left this comment yesterday.... 
Let the momentum pull you through... you don't have to 'do' as much as you should simply 'be'. The way is there and you know it, so continue on your path. Wise advice to which I am going to take.


I am not ignoring my loneliness, it won't let me anyway. I am going to continue to feel what I am feeling.  Continue building my life.  Enjoying the pleasures that come my way and be open for companionship, partnership and true love when it shows up.  Gone are the days of trying to mask the pain, or fill the empty spaces with foolishness and mayhem. I am done running.

LONLINESS AND WHAT TO DO....

The last few days have been tough.  I have been fighting back tears and  finally after the kids left with their Dad yesterday I just let the tears fall. This loneliness thing is quite profound. I think what I have been doing is trying to fill up my life with things to keep loneliness at bay.  That is a good idea for a little while.  But at some point you gotta address the pain.  You gotta acknowledge what it is and stop trying to mask it, hide from it, and ignore it.

As I stop and be still, I can see clearly that it really is loneliness and not just random depression.  I am lonely and I have to figure out how to handle this. I don't think I have been this in tuned to being lonely.  I have had moments of loneliness and have been able to just get passed it.  But this is more profound.  This is pervasive loneliness that reaches all areas of my life. I can no longer just rush to fill my time with activities and distractions trying to squash the feelings of loneliness.

So what's a woman to do? I don't know. I think I have to be with my feelings and allow them room to tell me what is happening.  I think I have to accept the fact that I am lonely and that I don't have to force myself to get over it.  I do have to move forward, but perhaps moving forward is being still.

I do know that I have to give this my attention. And if I want a grand life, it requires that I address my pain.  I also know that I am resilient and have come too far to be derailed.

NOW WHAT TO DO? I AM LONELY.

 Am I sick and tired of the current state of my life? Maybe, probably, yes.  It is a whole lot of stuff rolled into one gigantic insurmountable snowball! I am annoyed at other people's happiness.  I am standing in my yard and I can see the grass is definitely greener over on the other side.

I know this funky mood will pass.  Right now I need to rant.  I need to bitch, moan, kvetch, scream and whine. And yes cry a river of tears.

I had a thought today that I couldn't shake. I miss being married (not my husband...a husband) The thing I miss about being married is having someone to talk to...really talk to.  Someone who has read some of the stuff I have.  Likes the same stuff I like, or is at least open to exploring and sharing.  I am lonely and the guy I just spent two years with was a decent substitute for what I wanted and that's perhaps why we didn't work. I knew we didn't click well enough.  I thought perhaps I was being haughty and outrageous in my desires, so I tried him on. I thought if he satisfies some other needs, perhaps that ought to be enough for me to settle in. It was not. He deserves someone who isn't fighting to stop looking over his shoulder for someone else who could be the one. All this time I thought it was him who was distant.  But it was me that was skiddish and uncertain all along and he knew it and tried to wait me out, hoping I would grow to love him.  He hung around to see if I would see him and want him truly. He loves me. I see that now, after he has moved away.

I am lonely. Sigh. Heave. Tears. Uggh.

I am lonely.  Now what do I do?