Lovebabz: A Life in Transition

Monday, January 11, 2010

READY OR NOT LOVE COMES CALLING

When do you know you are ready to be in a relationship with someone that will lead to commitment and marriage? How much of your baggage must you have already unpacked before you can happily join your luggage with someone else? Aren't we all in various states of dysfunction, heartbreak and moving on? I am not being cynical. I am not sure I will have exorcised all my demons by the time I say YES to someone in marriage again. I am not sure that all my angst will be wiped away, chased away or simply put to rest. I know all my fears will not be buried. I am a woman in transition. That means that on a daily basis I have to overcome something...a fear...an insecurity...an injustice real or imagined. Love, like parenting, doesn't require you to get it absolutely right. You have to be willing to go the distance. There is no striving for perfection. Only striving to be better people and to remain in love. Love only asks that you welcome it and share it.

I had thought that if I became a better me then and only then would I be ready for a loveship. I am already a better me today. Who knows what sort of person I'll be tomorrow. All I know today is that I am as good as it gets. That alone makes me smile. I think we create for ourselves these impossible standards that trap us and trip us up. I may not be ready or I might be at my absolute best. The only one who can say for sure is me.

What I am coming to realize is we are who we are right now. And what is in front of us at this moment is our gift...even if we don't recognize the gift. There is no better time to be in love, or in relationship. What is needed always comes. Make no mistake, I am not giving myself permission to do nothing. I have to work at this life everyday. It is I who must find and share the love. It is I who must celebrate my breath. The gifts that are before me, were meant for me in this moment.

I am more ready that I realize. Always asking the question: Who are you? and what do you want?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY

Everything good and bad going on in my life now and 20 years ago is reflected in my body. I am carrying every good time, every celebration, every happy event, everything wonderful. I am also carrying every heartache, every injustice, every abuse, every childhood wound, every lost opportunity, every fight, every-falling-out-with-someone, every annoyance, every depressed feeling(s), every fear.

I am tired of carrying all this weight...good and bad. It is time to break out and let go. Say goodbye to this weight. Seriously let this armor go. Put it away, lose it. I am tired of trying to cover this body, hiding it under tents, big shirts and swing jackets. I am tired of not looking at myself in the mirror for long periods of time. I look at my face, but only glance at the rest of me.

I want to push this body to see what it can do. I want to reverse the clock and stave off diabetes. I want to see a thinner, healthier me. I want to wear yoga pants and not have to wear a long sweeping shirt to my knees! I want to rock garters again! I am not happy with this body. I love myself and I love who I am and who I am becoming. But I am not in love with this weight. I am overweight. I have been in this place before of starting a plan to lose this weight. I have started before with motivation and enthusiasm. I have been here before. (My Last Year Being Fat)(My Last Year Being Fat 2009)

What is different now is I am truly excited about losing this weight. I need to own my worth and be diligent in putting myself first on my list. I thought perhaps I would create a new blog to capture my progress. But I think once a week here...on Losing Weight Wednesday will be just enough sharing and celebrating my progress. I got a goal and a plan and come May 2, 2010 (my birthday) I will have reached one of my weight-loss goals!

Every Wednesday I am going to share where I am in my plan, spiritually, emotionally and physically....cue up the music (ooops I gotta find some theme music!)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TRUTH

All that I can do is grow. Accept the fact that I was wrong, petty, small minded, arrogant, superior acting, mean-spirited and disrespectful. Then when that's all acknowledged MOVE FORWARD. Move forward with a better sense of who I want to be and who I know to be in love. Fear can show up in so many disguises that we won't recognize it for the devil that it is. We call them old habits. Mistakes of lovers pasts, old wounds that have not healed sufficiently.

We never fully surrender to anything because we don't trust anything...not even our own hearts and minds. We walk the world hoping that the next love affair will be different. How can it be if we are not? The love we make over and over will be the same drama played out in the arms of a different lover. UNTIL we get still and real with ourselves.

Truth is always there even when we are not. The truth is always there even if we turn a blind eye. The truth is always there. The truth is for me the lesson of learning to be vulnerable. To allow someone to not only love me, but love me enough to help, guide, direct and push me. We all have our weapons of mass distraction. Our ways to fend off intimacy and closeness. We have gotten good at killing off love affairs before the hard part sets in. We enjoy the honeymoon and get out before the reality of loving under daylight sets in.

I am understanding this now. Always asking the questions: Who Am I? and What Do I Want?
The Love Story continues...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO EXPLORE THIS LOVE

We are not done.

The love between us was created and nurtured before we were born. We have been friends for over 30 years. He is the prayer I have asked God for. I am the partner of his dreams. We are both afraid and tread cautiously. He is strong and unyielding. He is direct and tender. He is like no one I've ever known before.

Many of us have been foolish with our hearts. We are so free and easy with our bodies...touching skin with out a care. Real intimacy scares us. To talk with a beloved with full attention and tenderness is something most of us have never experienced. It is overwhelming because most of us (myself included) can talk so convincing about love but so unwilling to yield to love. My Beloved requires very little and I am quick to resist. My resistance is fear. My fear is rooted in bad habits and failed love affairs and a marriage ending in divorce. My Beloved is a Man. He knows my story, he bears witness to my flaws and shortcomings daily. He has tolerated my rudeness, and my haughtiness and my arrogance. I have been obstinate. Stubborn. Mean-spirited. And still he stays and loves me.

His issue with my blog isn't the blog, but my reluctance to share here and not with him. How can I whisper words of love in the most intimate moments, but not share what's on my heart with him in the waking part of the day. I am perhaps a fool. It appears that I am driving away a good man. Why am I am arguing over things that if I just let go of, my life would be infinitely better? Perhaps I am a fool. I see that now.

He is my beloved and I need to grow up and act like a woman who loves a man. I am not being hard on myself. I have learned over the years to recognize fear when it shows up. I just didn't recognize it disguised as doubt and annoyance and petty observations.

This is the love that showed up and presented itself to me in a lovely package of this beautiful man. I know this man. I know his story, his people, his character, his beliefs and his kindness. I know him, tasted him, slept under him and laughed with him. We've had great pillow fights. We've had long talks and long walks. We've showered together, dinned under candle light together, even took a road trip together. I owe it to myself to explore this loveship! I owe it to myself to explore who I am in love.

The Love Story Continues...

Always asking...Who Are You? and What Do You Want?

Friday, January 1, 2010

I AM BACK: HAPPY NEW YEAR

2010.

It is full of possiblity...romance...hope...love.

I've been away too long. I thought I was spending time discovering love, but really I was sacrificing a part of myself. We often think love calls us to give up the better part of ourselves. If someone that we love asks us to sacrifice...we do. To do so, shows love. But I think it doesn't show love at all. If someone loves you, they wouldn't ask you to be something that you are not... they wouldn't ask you to stop breathing.

So I stopped breathing. I stopped breathing because someone objected to my blogging. Objected to my philosophy, objected to the way I see the world. And in my willingness to keep them interested in me...to keep them in love with me...I thought...I will silence my heart...soul...mind.

I knew better.

And Yet I talked myself into silence. That's what women do...those of us who want the company of a man....

I am not ashamed. I play the hands that are dealt me.

2010 ushers in a new thinking...a shift . I can't give total voice to it...will allow 2010 to unfold and gift me its divine possibilities!

I can't begin to say how unbelievably optimistic I am about the new decade ahead.

I am sitting here in the newness of this new decade in this very new millennium.

What I know for sure is that I've missed dissecting my feelings...thoughts and experiences around love, commitment and love. I am ready for the love supreme.

Happy New Year!