Those that know me best know that I love music...I have a song for every occasion. Hell I have several songs for any occasion. I love this song by Angela Bofill...Time To Say Goodbye. I LOVE ANGELA BOFILL. This song speaks to where I am right now.
Things between my Love and I are breaking down and we can't seem to get to common ground. We can't seem to settle in and embrace each other. We are harsh and critical with each other. We have unrealistic expectations for each other. We believe we are valid in our wants and needs and are unyielding and uncompromising in what we are willing to accept from the other. We are foolish and petty and we are losing this love each minute we don't let love rule. But we each want to be right and we each want what we want, so, that means we must go and find that which we believe we need for our respective happiness.
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.
Just the other day I said hello to you
Now it seems like time has passed us by
I wish there was a treasure I could show to you
To make our love come back and never die
Chorus:
But it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I'm gonna cry
But at least I know we try
Oh baby it's time to say goodbye.
Goodbye to all the things we hold so dear to us
Goodbye to all the things we used to do
Goodbye to everybody far and near to us
But that won't ever stop me from loving you
Though it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Wish I didn't have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it's time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Goodbye... goodbye...
Instrumental
Though it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it's time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye to all the things we used to do now
Time to say goodbye to all the family and friends
Time to say goodbye to everybody that we do know
Even though I know that this is really not the end
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
WIN...BRIAN McKNIGHT
On September 11, 2006 I stood in Federal Court pleading guilty to a crime I committed. Time has passed and in remembering, I am no longer haunted, shamed or afraid of that period of my life. I've come on through and I am all the better for it. It is amazing what the human spirit can do. It is amazing the power of our minds to elevate us from despair to joy. I humbly and profoundly believe that in God's care all things are possible.
So this song by Brian McKnight is speaking to my spirit and reminds me of how far I have come and that redemption and forgiveness is not for other people, but for me too.
So this song by Brian McKnight is speaking to my spirit and reminds me of how far I have come and that redemption and forgiveness is not for other people, but for me too.
Monday, September 7, 2009
COMING FULLY
Tonight I opened myself up to him...to myself. I said what was on my heart and mind. I confessed my fears. I talked about what I wanted and what my challenges are. I talked about giving up my excuses.
I want this love... supreme.
It requires work. It requires a quiet mind and a willing spirit. It requires me to step up and be a grown woman. Grown in the sense of being open to a Man's love, care and connection.
All my preconceived ideas about love and loving a Man fully have to be torn down and rebuilt. I am rebuilding my thoughts. I am rebuilding this heart that was broken. It is ready for a loving home again.
I can stand in the alone space with pride and self-righteous bullshit or I can stand vulnerable to my beloved and say take my hand and let's live as one. I am walking toward my forever love with arms wide open. There is nothing for me but to love with a full heart. I have to stop being the barrier to my dreams, hopes and love aspirations. I have to come fully or not come at all.
I am coming fully. I am reaching for him. I need him. Need him as a partner, helpmate, lover, friend and confidant.
Tonight I jumped a big hurdle for myself. I stood in the Grown Woman space and opened my heart and mind wide. I spoke to my confusion and my fears. I spoke about my life in a way that invites him in. Whether he comes or not that is not the question or the answer. The lesson and the test is and was that I invited him in...finally.
I am coming fully into my loving self. I feel renewed. I am restoring what was lost to me. Love is forgiving and restorative. I am coming fully into the life of my dreams.
The Love Story continues...
I want this love... supreme.
It requires work. It requires a quiet mind and a willing spirit. It requires me to step up and be a grown woman. Grown in the sense of being open to a Man's love, care and connection.
All my preconceived ideas about love and loving a Man fully have to be torn down and rebuilt. I am rebuilding my thoughts. I am rebuilding this heart that was broken. It is ready for a loving home again.
I can stand in the alone space with pride and self-righteous bullshit or I can stand vulnerable to my beloved and say take my hand and let's live as one. I am walking toward my forever love with arms wide open. There is nothing for me but to love with a full heart. I have to stop being the barrier to my dreams, hopes and love aspirations. I have to come fully or not come at all.
I am coming fully. I am reaching for him. I need him. Need him as a partner, helpmate, lover, friend and confidant.
Tonight I jumped a big hurdle for myself. I stood in the Grown Woman space and opened my heart and mind wide. I spoke to my confusion and my fears. I spoke about my life in a way that invites him in. Whether he comes or not that is not the question or the answer. The lesson and the test is and was that I invited him in...finally.
I am coming fully into my loving self. I feel renewed. I am restoring what was lost to me. Love is forgiving and restorative. I am coming fully into the life of my dreams.
The Love Story continues...
Tuesday 9/8/09 12:30pm est
What happens to the souvenirs after your break up?
(photos, intimate videos, family albums, etc)
718-766-4895
A DAGGER OF WORDS...
Sometimes those that love you... hurt you the most.
It is hard to hear someone say your words are bullshit. You don't live the way you blog. You don't listen, you force your thoughts. You are a bully. You don't talk to me, you don't relate to me as a human being, you don't do this and you don't do that. I need need and need and you don't give it to me. You don't hear my ideals, you don't consider my existence. You haven't figured out how to join our lives. You are afraid, you are resistant, you disregard the proper order of things, you are not in harmony with nature, you are cunning with words. You are a seductress, an enchantress, you are charming. You are not rooted in reality. It's your world and you are the only who calls the shots. I am tired of this. I am not playing house with you. I am not having sex with you. I am tired of you. These words when strung together create a dagger and plunges into my heart. I am a woman conscious of words, their meanings, their values. I am conscious of what is said and what is withheld on the tongue. I wear these words like an exquisite piece of jewelry...heavy around my neck and heart.
I have no defense for any of the charges leveled against me. They are true. I am who you think I am. I am who you say I am.
I am a woman in transition. Trying to live with as much grace and tenderness as heaven would allow. I am divine in my steps and in my thoughts. I am a lover and a giver and always in need of redemption and prayer. You will see in me what you want to see in me. An illusion created in your own mind. Why can't you resist the need to change and reconstruct my nature...my very being. To make me better in your estimation. Weak men will do that...need to do that, seek to change the very thing they say they love and are drawn to. It requires a great deal to accept a woman on terms that are foreign to you. It requires you to question your existence and to ask "Who Are You? And What Do You Want?"
Do I bring joy to your life? Are you happy in my presence? When I touch you does the universe sing out? When you are away from me are your thoughts of me and do you miss me? Can you love me without judgement and without criticism. If we parted company would your life be better off? All the ruminations about the day-to-day is bullshit and an excuse to move further apart. To live the life of one's dreams, we have to cast off our beliefs and expectations and love what is. We have to create a new ideal...one created just for our lives with roots in what speaks to our soul.
Maybe we have reached the pinnacle of this loveship. Perhaps for us there isn't anything left to do but wish each other well on our paths. Perhaps there is something to hold onto here. Perhaps there is still conversations to be had and love to be made.
These are lovely days. The beauty of the seasons does not escape me. I welcome the seasonal change. I am looking forward to the heavier comforters on the bed and the days getting shorter. I am already imagining stews and soups and hearty breads.
The Love Story continues...
It is hard to hear someone say your words are bullshit. You don't live the way you blog. You don't listen, you force your thoughts. You are a bully. You don't talk to me, you don't relate to me as a human being, you don't do this and you don't do that. I need need and need and you don't give it to me. You don't hear my ideals, you don't consider my existence. You haven't figured out how to join our lives. You are afraid, you are resistant, you disregard the proper order of things, you are not in harmony with nature, you are cunning with words. You are a seductress, an enchantress, you are charming. You are not rooted in reality. It's your world and you are the only who calls the shots. I am tired of this. I am not playing house with you. I am not having sex with you. I am tired of you. These words when strung together create a dagger and plunges into my heart. I am a woman conscious of words, their meanings, their values. I am conscious of what is said and what is withheld on the tongue. I wear these words like an exquisite piece of jewelry...heavy around my neck and heart.
I have no defense for any of the charges leveled against me. They are true. I am who you think I am. I am who you say I am.
I am a woman in transition. Trying to live with as much grace and tenderness as heaven would allow. I am divine in my steps and in my thoughts. I am a lover and a giver and always in need of redemption and prayer. You will see in me what you want to see in me. An illusion created in your own mind. Why can't you resist the need to change and reconstruct my nature...my very being. To make me better in your estimation. Weak men will do that...need to do that, seek to change the very thing they say they love and are drawn to. It requires a great deal to accept a woman on terms that are foreign to you. It requires you to question your existence and to ask "Who Are You? And What Do You Want?"
Do I bring joy to your life? Are you happy in my presence? When I touch you does the universe sing out? When you are away from me are your thoughts of me and do you miss me? Can you love me without judgement and without criticism. If we parted company would your life be better off? All the ruminations about the day-to-day is bullshit and an excuse to move further apart. To live the life of one's dreams, we have to cast off our beliefs and expectations and love what is. We have to create a new ideal...one created just for our lives with roots in what speaks to our soul.
Maybe we have reached the pinnacle of this loveship. Perhaps for us there isn't anything left to do but wish each other well on our paths. Perhaps there is something to hold onto here. Perhaps there is still conversations to be had and love to be made.
These are lovely days. The beauty of the seasons does not escape me. I welcome the seasonal change. I am looking forward to the heavier comforters on the bed and the days getting shorter. I am already imagining stews and soups and hearty breads.
The Love Story continues...
Sunday, September 6, 2009
A GIFT...GIFTS...GIFT.
Sometimes the gift has a larger meaning than originally thought. What we call into our lives based on what we think we need can show up but with a different message entirely. Love is not illusive. We only have to welcome love in, that's it...its not about time. It's about welcoming love in. Those that hold steadfast to ideals and laws and views to live a life instead of living life is sad to me. I have lost much in my life...friends, family and things. I have gained much in my life, friends, family and things. I have learned that this moment that I draw this breath is more precious than what tomorrow could bring. Peace in my home and in my heart is not predicated on everyone and everything being quiet. I am at peace in the midst of noise and chaos and drama. I am not moved by it. I do not need absolute physical peace...it dwells from within. I am not a beast for order. I am not felled by chaos. Disorder and chaos can often lend itself to creativity of the highest order. I am a woman of dual existence of heart and mind. I reconcile this everyday at every instance. It does not trouble me in the way it might for some. It has served me well and I have made room for this existence. I feel deeply and I think deeply. I am logical and emotional. Chaos and peace...however, more peace these days than chaos.
I am grand in my thoughts, deeds and actions. I give with a big heart. I do more than what is required and asked for. I make no apologies for this larger than life existence. To some that may seem over the top...grandiose. To those that say that, stay in your smallness and let your light be dimmed. For me I seek the richness and brightness of the sun and the moon. YES I DO BELIEVE I CAN DO AND BE AND HAVE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SET MY HEART AND MIND TO. The world is mine and I am the world. I love that.
This life is one of joy and happiness and living with a full heart. I care not for ideals or laws of nature or anything that shows up as an excuse not to grab the brass ring. I am rooted in this moment with breath in this body. Carpe Diem has to be the order of the day!
I appreciate the small graces of life. The small kindnesses that connects us one to another. A smile, a hug, a note to say "hello I miss you", a single rose given because a dozen would be too much said and not enough to give in love. The balance is not in the giving but in the receiving. Receiving with grace and tenderness. The gift in and of itself is not important. To give one a gift says I am thinking of you and wanted you to have this small token of my affection because I thought this thing would bring you joy. Many find receiving hard and want to dissect the meaning behind the gift, accepting it with trepidation and suspect. Nothing breaks my heart more than that.
I am not an easy woman for anyone who needs absolute control. I am not a simple woman, I am not a dull woman, I am not a quiet woman. I am however a gift. I am a gift that requires opening everyday. I am an ever changing gift. GOD made me this wonderful gift full of mystery and whimsy and grandness. It is not open at your own risk or to your detriment...it is open and embrace love and joy.
I am grand in my thoughts, deeds and actions. I give with a big heart. I do more than what is required and asked for. I make no apologies for this larger than life existence. To some that may seem over the top...grandiose. To those that say that, stay in your smallness and let your light be dimmed. For me I seek the richness and brightness of the sun and the moon. YES I DO BELIEVE I CAN DO AND BE AND HAVE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SET MY HEART AND MIND TO. The world is mine and I am the world. I love that.
This life is one of joy and happiness and living with a full heart. I care not for ideals or laws of nature or anything that shows up as an excuse not to grab the brass ring. I am rooted in this moment with breath in this body. Carpe Diem has to be the order of the day!
I appreciate the small graces of life. The small kindnesses that connects us one to another. A smile, a hug, a note to say "hello I miss you", a single rose given because a dozen would be too much said and not enough to give in love. The balance is not in the giving but in the receiving. Receiving with grace and tenderness. The gift in and of itself is not important. To give one a gift says I am thinking of you and wanted you to have this small token of my affection because I thought this thing would bring you joy. Many find receiving hard and want to dissect the meaning behind the gift, accepting it with trepidation and suspect. Nothing breaks my heart more than that.
I am not an easy woman for anyone who needs absolute control. I am not a simple woman, I am not a dull woman, I am not a quiet woman. I am however a gift. I am a gift that requires opening everyday. I am an ever changing gift. GOD made me this wonderful gift full of mystery and whimsy and grandness. It is not open at your own risk or to your detriment...it is open and embrace love and joy.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
GONE TOO SOON...NIKKI HARRIS
Indigo Trail Of My Thoughts was her blog. I thought she was the coolest in the blogosphere. She had swagger and guts and a kick-ass stance. I wanted to own some of her mojo...such courage ALL THE TIME!
She passed on Monday and I am stunned. I was just getting to know this woman who I admired and enjoyed talking to. She was a pistol and took no prisoners. I was drawn to her, I loved her posts on her dating life, sex, men, being in the ATL and maybe moving to NYC.
She called me mommie and strangely enough I liked it...it made me feel wise. So I am selfishly missing her. I wanted more time to know her. What I got with her was indeed a grand gift.
I just wanted more time.
Gone too soon.
Other blog tributes:
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BUIDLING A BONDING LOVE PART 1
I am a talker. I love to talk...to anyone...everyone at any time on any subject under the sun. Sometimes I have a good grasp of the topic, others times I am just fascinated and want to know more. What I am not good at is talking about my inner soul; what fuels my passions and sets my heart on fire in a loveship. I can absolutely write them, blog them and yes of course capture my thoughts in a diary. But to sit across from my beloved and speak the words that dwell in my heart...hhmmm NO! I am not afraid on the surface, its just for me to speak these thoughts out loud is indeed frightening to my core.
So how do you build a bonding love if you cannot speak clearly and consciously about what it is you say you want? Perhaps what I am talking about is trust and being in a safe place to speak my heart and mind. I am fond of saying "love waits on welcome...not on time" from the Course in Miracles. Well I have invited love in and it needs nurturing. Perhaps what I am talking about is barring one's soul and asking someone else to see you as you are in the brightest light possible...that may or may not be flattering. This is a big deal for me. I am being asked to do something that I've never been asked to do before... be open...communicate and reach for love at the highest level.
We all know that communication is critical in loveships. It is necessary as a tool to convey anything at all in life. But how do we bare our soul and give voice to the very thing that scares us? We are drawn to Love's light because it is comforting and restorative. We know the richness of a bonding love and its power to redeem us, revitalize us and rescue us. We know that we need it and yet we cower in its shadow as if the brightness of love would burn us. If only we would remember love does not hurt.
I am being stretched in my heart and mind and there is nothing to do but be stretched. There is no turning back. I am being prepared for the grandest of love. I am seeing myself in Love's light and it is a me I've never seen before. I want to continue to excavate this me. I want to see where this journey of building a bonding love takes me. My beloved is patient and generous in spirit and action and love. I require that kind of care and hope to return its favor.
I am asking deeply and lovingly Who Are You and What Do You Want?
The Love Story continues...
So how do you build a bonding love if you cannot speak clearly and consciously about what it is you say you want? Perhaps what I am talking about is trust and being in a safe place to speak my heart and mind. I am fond of saying "love waits on welcome...not on time" from the Course in Miracles. Well I have invited love in and it needs nurturing. Perhaps what I am talking about is barring one's soul and asking someone else to see you as you are in the brightest light possible...that may or may not be flattering. This is a big deal for me. I am being asked to do something that I've never been asked to do before... be open...communicate and reach for love at the highest level.
We all know that communication is critical in loveships. It is necessary as a tool to convey anything at all in life. But how do we bare our soul and give voice to the very thing that scares us? We are drawn to Love's light because it is comforting and restorative. We know the richness of a bonding love and its power to redeem us, revitalize us and rescue us. We know that we need it and yet we cower in its shadow as if the brightness of love would burn us. If only we would remember love does not hurt.
I am being stretched in my heart and mind and there is nothing to do but be stretched. There is no turning back. I am being prepared for the grandest of love. I am seeing myself in Love's light and it is a me I've never seen before. I want to continue to excavate this me. I want to see where this journey of building a bonding love takes me. My beloved is patient and generous in spirit and action and love. I require that kind of care and hope to return its favor.
I am asking deeply and lovingly Who Are You and What Do You Want?
The Love Story continues...
12:30PM EST
718-766-4895
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