TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: HOLD ON!

Yesterday on twitter a Sister tweeted (twitter speak for posting) how sad and hurt she was for the recent ending of her marriage. I could feel her pain. I can always feel her sense of sadness and despair and hurt in her tweets. Even her photo of herself is sad. You can see the hurt in her eyes and overall expression in that little tiny photo. What struck me more than anything was my willingness to say it will get better.

It struck me funny that I would say that to someone! I mean I know that pain. Here I am 2 years out from my marriage with the divorce being finalized as I write. It seems so long ago that I was so distraught and deeply wounded by the ending of my marriage. A marriage that I fully held in high regard and thought truly til death do us part. The revelation of that not being true hurt like hell. And left me feeling inadequate, lonely and worthless.

Love is in the air! I am so no that woman today. It is amazing what the human spirit can endure and get through if we but only keep our eyes lifted and our hearts open. Our first instinct in the ending our of loveships is to shut down and retreat. But if you do the internal work of healing and caring for yourself and your heart, then love will certainly show up. The Course in Miracles says Love waits on welcome not on time. It is never about time. It is all about what you are open to. And being open means being fearless. Or maybe that is hard to digest. Perhaps I can say, not letting the fear paralyze you or cripple you , or keep you from moving about the world with an open heart. I use my fear to propel me out in the world and into a loving existence.

I am now excited about dating. Just a few weeks ago I was terrified. But my beautiful children reminded me in their wacky-ass way..."Mom you gotta get out and wear high heels and get a nice man who will like us too" and I knew in that moment God was whispering go...live free!

So to that Sister on twitter who's heart is broken and everything seems dismal and hurts and you think maybe you can go back or second guess your decisions or his decision. HOLD ON! HOLD ON! Brighter days really are ahead. That you will notice the sun shining and the sound of yourself laughing will be like an old friend returning. You will catch a glimpse of your new self in the mirror and know in that moment that yes you've come far, but look how FABULOUS YOU ARE NOW!

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MY WORD IS MY BOND...REALLY?

I learned a very good life lesson this weekend. See I approached Torrance, Raw Dawg Buffalo and Kelso last summer to do Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio. I believe then as I do now that we could have a lively discussion based on topics Torrance would choose or we would use from his blog. So far so good.

Well the last couple of shows have been very combative. Mainly my feelings got hurt because I felt attacked and maligned. Perhaps this a bit heavy handed, but these are my feelings nonetheless. I have vented my feelings to Sista GP and have asked her to step in to produce the show. I did this without even having a conversation with my partners Torrance and Kelso. I was mad. I just wanted to remove myself from this, thinking I would feel better and be done with it. I am wrong all the way around and I know it for sure.

But the truth of the matter is, I was acting like a brat. I was running away from something that was causing me discomfort and instead of making those feelings known I internalized, pouted and withdrew. I have done this all of my life. If I am really upset I withdraw. I get quiet. I disappear. I stop talking and I go about the world as if the thing that caused me pain didn't exist.

Torrance reminded me that your word is your bond. That you do what you say you are going to do. Never in my life has this resonated with me until this morning. NO one has ever called me out on not keeping my word...EVER. He texted me and reminded me that He put his time, faith and trust in me and here I am walking out. I am walking out in a very cowardly and petty way. It was like a light bulb went off...an epiphany. I understand. My actions are connected to others commitment. Not to mention dragging Sista GP into this drama, who only wanted to help and be the voice of calm and reason.

I created this drama. So what to do when you lose some credibility with folks? What to do when you have to try to salvage trust? Hhmm perhaps there are more life lessons here than I originally thought.

Regardless of what happens I learned something about HONOR, VALOR and LOVE. My word is all I got. My actions are all I got. I can talk shit all day but what am I willing to do and what do I stand for.

THANKS TORRANCE, KELSO AND SISTA GP FOR TEACHING ME. I am afterall a woman in transition.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: 10

One of the things that I like best about myself is my intuition. My real ability to feel deeply about things, places and people. I know when things aren't right, or when I am unhappy and I can pretty much pin point the source of the discomfort. The problem arises when I ignore what I know and feel to be true.

Today was a turning point of sorts. What I've known for a long time has finely become clearer. I ignored my own intuition, thinking that perhaps what I knew to be true was just be my imagination. Mistake #1.

No one's opinion of how I think and feel super cedes my opinion of what I think and feel...about the world, the stars the moon or me. Mistake #2

I know full well how the power of suggestion works. I know what manipulation is. If you allow someone to use it on you...you get what you get. Mistake#3

When people tell you who they are, believe them. Do not romanticize their meanness, nastiness, coldness and disrespect. Mistake #4

I own my time. How I spend it is my choice. Giving my time to someone who is undeserving is my fault. Mistake #5

My circle of friends is small and intimate. They know how to love, care and protect me. You cannot call anyone your friend on a whim. Mistake #6

If someone cares about you they do not hurt you. If they do they do not try to make it seem as though their hurting you is your fault. Mistake #7

Stupid is as stupid does. Mistake #8

If someone doesn't bring out the best in you, you do not need them in your circle. Trying to make sense out of the senseless is wasting time. Mistake #9

There is no convincing in love. There is no convincing in friendship. Not realizing those truths is painful. Mistake #10

WASTING TIME...REMIX

Yesterday's post inspired today's post. My Blog Brother Rich Fitzgerald of the blog, The Rich House commented. "Sometimes wasting time allows you time to refuel, so it's not really wasted time, it's necessary". That stayed with me. Maybe I was looking at it all wrong. AH HA!

Maybe what I am doing is NOT WASTING TIME but in fact another way to refuel? Hhmm. It got me thinking about that in a different way. What I was missing in my analysis yesterday was the lack of care for myself. I was being harder on myself than necessary. What was eating me was this sense of not getting what I want. I wrapped it in the notion of wasting time.

I want what I want NOW! Even as I know I am not prepared for it! Ah HA! more illumination! So here I am remixing yesterdays post for better clarity. I am feeling a lot more insightful about my time and the desires to accomplish EVERYTHING!

So I am chilling out on the wasting time thing. I am going to work on being sweeter to myself.

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WASTING TIME

I went to bed last night with too much on my mind. I slept fitfully. Old haunts are back. Slowly I am finding myself worrying about shit. Not a lot but enough to mess with my rest. My mind is racing and I am trying to do a million things all at once. I am not at ease.

When I get like this I tend to be excessive in goings and comings...everything has a sense of urgency. I am moving too fast. I am not in the moment. There is much to do and nothing I am excited about.

That's it! There is nothing that I am excited about! Ah HA! I feel the need to be still and quiet and let the divinity direct me. When I start to notice that nothing excites me then I have to step back, catch my breath and listen. The world can't excite me. The excitement has to be from within.

I am wasting time with things, people and situations that do not make me happy, do not bring me joy or even make me smile. I know better. I have gone over my life with a fine tooth comb. I know real joy and happiness. What I am doing now is pretending and it is not enough. And it's not bringing me what I want. So I am stopping it RIGHT NOW.

I am done wasting time. Now that does not mean I charge through the day like a fool on a mission. I am saying that every activity, every project every interaction with someone has to be one that I find pleasure in. Simple. And that I spend my time with purpose, even if its merely to take a nap. I am not going to fight a nap. (smile)

I am realizing that I have to be totally responsible for my happiness and I can see in areas of my life that I am not. Not deliberately, but not mindful either. So the wasting of time is, I suspect at the heart of a lot that is annoying me at the moment.

AAhhh time for more meditation and discernment on what My time really means to me and how to bring real pleasure into my life.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: READY OR NOT...LOVE IS

Love is all around us. All we have to do is be open to it. Love is all around us in the form of hellos and good-byes, smiles, tears, joy, hugs. No one walks the earth without love. We build the walls that keep us disconnected. We close our hearts after loveships have gone awry. We swear off love because we believe we have made bad love choices. Perhaps.

Ready or not...LOVE IS! We can steel our hearts all we want and make all the excuses in the world about not enough time for love. But really deep within us no one wants to sleep alone. There is deep and abiding pleasure in knowing that someone near or far holds you in their heart.

I am reminding myself to remain open to love. That all my loveships thus far bring me closer to the grandest love. The love of myself. See all the pain and all the heartache was designed to bring me closer to who I am. There are moments when I know this with great certainty and clarity.

In the stillness of the night I can hear my own heartbeat and I know for sure that I am ready for love.

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IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: FANTASY OR DESTINY

This morning as I am making brunch for the children. I am caught up in a recurring fantasy a recurring day dream or perhaps a premonition of things to come.

It is very vivid and very detailed...takes my breath away. It starts with me in the kitchen beginning brunch not the kitchen of my current house. I am laying out all my ingredients, eggs, turkey bacon, asparagus. He comes in and kisses me good morning on my neck as he presses up against my back. He puts his hand over mine as I am whisking the eggs. He whispers in my ear come back to bed...I want you again. My heart skips a beat. I laugh and say Do you know we have a house full of hungry children who will not understand us going back to bed when they already smell breakfast. Sigh, he presses me further and I can feel his persuasion growing. Then I pull him into the pantry and....

Then I snap back into the here and now. I have been having this recurring dream for about a year now. Oh it changes, sometimes we are working in the yard, or we are doing something in the house, but it feels happy and secure and loving. I have no idea who this man is. I can't ever figure out who he is. His voice is rich and his hands and arms are always strong. And he loves me. And it is always connected to what I am doing at the moment. Like this morning making brunch, or last night after I hung up from chatting with a friend. That's all I know.

Those that know me, know of my highly intuitive nature. But this feels different. I have not had this type of seeing and knowing before. It pulls me in unexpectedly.

Perhaps there is a story to be told here. Or perhaps my inner self is wishing or maybe somewhere my destiny awaits.