DISCIPLINE...MY DEFINING MOMENT

dis·ci·pline:
activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter (computer, notebook, digital recorder) is excellent discipline for a writer.

I have big dreams and lofty goals. I have motivational tools in abundance. I am a student of love and loving. But what I lack for success is DISCIPLINE! So with all that said am I just talking shit if I can't make things happen in my life? Who do I think will make things happen...elves?

I am thinking about this as I look at all the projects that I am undertaking. What I am seeing is a real fear of success. The little voice whispering...Oh why bother, you can't, you will fail. It is soft and gentle. The whispering doubt requires me to listen closely to the words of negativity and I do. I can hear the faint whispers and I bend lower to hear it all. I am seeing myself do this over and over again. I have noticed how I talk myself out of shit before I even give myself a chance to explore the possibilities.

This is my defining moment. Where I am now, is setting the ground work for the next phase of my big life. What I do now will set the tone for my next commitment. To get what I want, I have to do what I have not done for a longtime...be steadfast and unwavering. Disciplined in my mind and actions.

Today I am becoming disciplined. I am starting with my surroundings and then onto my mind and spirit. My hopes and wishes and dreams will NOW be louder than the doubts, fears and self-sabotage.

BLOG ACTION DAY 08: POVERTY

My children are not hungry. We are not poor and we are not in need of basic staples for survival. We have shelter, food, clothing and running water. I am not wringing my hands over where the next meal will come from, nor do I have to make the decision to choose food over medicine. Not only am I OK, I have a village of folks who are concerned about my welfare and that of my children everyday. I am no more blessed than the person struggling to live inspite of poverty, or families that do not have my village of caring folks to support and stand in the gaps.

Today I am blogging with Blog Action Day 08 to raise awareness about poverty and to begin to end poverty in the world RIGHT NOW.

A part of poverty for me that causes me great concern is hunger. I HATE the thought that there are folks right here in my City that go to bed without a meal. I HATE the thought that families are making decisions about how many meals they can get by on. We must not allow poverty to exist another day!

We must stand in the gaps for our Brothers and Sisters who are in need. We must do what we can where we are in our communities. Think Global, ACT local.

Use today to act on what YOU can do to lend your voice, talents and helping hands to ending poverty in our lifetime.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: REMEMBERING MARGARET...MY MOTHER

I spent the better part of my early adult life at odds with her. Hating her. I blamed her and held her solely responsible for not protecting me. For not believing me. For choosing Him over me. I looked upon her with the eyes of a woman trapped in a child's memory, carrying a whore's shame. I put all my pain and all my ignorance and all my nastiness on her and she took it.

What I have learned over the course of my life is that forgiveness doesn't free the other person it frees you. I understand and can see what she was like and why she made the choices she did. What my father did to me was vile. What he did to her was equally vile. She made choices at a time when the choices were limited. But my post isn't about this.

My mother would have been 68 today. She was one of those people who went through the world always grateful to be alive. Always a smile on her face and a song in her heart. I made peace with her a few years before she died. We were settling into Mother with Grown Daughter roles. It was comforting. I was becoming my own woman and she was nodding in approval.

I miss her everyday. I can feel her presence when I am attending to the children or cooking a big fancy dinner.

I have 4 children not to prove I am a better mother than she...I am NOT. But to do what was not done for me...protect. My mother was selfless in a way that I am not. She was courageous in ways that I am not. She was strong and I am too. She was faithful and I am too.

This day is heavy with remembrance and celebration and few regrets. I loved her and she knew it. She loved me and I knew it. I know it.

There is more to say about my mother. For now I will settle for this post. I will spend the day thinking about her in prayer and perhaps go to her grave site and cry and laugh. Feeling her with me always.

CARPE DIEM BABY!

I am celebrating a series of events unfolding in my life this very minute that are divine. The very things that I had dreamed of are coming forth. They are lining up awaiting my immediate attention. I have stood in the place of preparation and prayer and I am ready.

This is my moment to release. To step into my right now. To walk in love and be loving. I am not afraid. I am not shy. My boldness is driving me in a way never seen before.

I am listening to my own voice whispering...no shouting GO! GO! GO! live free, live on your own terms and LOVE!

Over the next few weeks I will be in my glory. I will be living out some long kept dreams. I am not ready to say what they are yet. I want to celebrate them in my alone-ness for a while. But I am tickled pink about them.

Oh yes and I told my Crush that I LOVED him. That was huge for me. I did it with a big heart and no expectation of hearing him say it back. It is amazing the heart's capacity for love. It frees me and lets me KNOW that I am loving. It is a beautiful thing loving folks. It ties me deeper to my humanity and strongly connects me to my faith. I do not have to do anything spectacular except keep an open heart.

I am seizing the day! I am in this moment the happiest I have been in a very long time. I only have to look back to last year at this time to see God's handiwork in my life. Oh I know what grace is and I am fully in awe and reverence of the gift that is my life.

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: SIMPLE PLEASURES

Saturday was one of the most perfect days ever! The weather was dreamy and warm. The skies were the best blue I have ever seen.

I rode my bike, Stinky-Pinky with the kids around the neighborhood today. It is a single gear baby with brakes in the pedals...old school. She has a basket and a bell on the handle bars. I LOVE her! Today was the first day I had her out all summer. She had flat tires. My Sister-Friend RMG who lives down the street has a serious air-pump...her husband does really. So I called her up and said I need air. The kids and I walked my baby down to her house and put air in her tires. Man getting on her was like BUTTAH! Oh I love this bike. I cruised and raced with the kids all afternoon.

Later my Sister-friend JB came over with her son to hang out. I lit a fire in the backyard fireplace and we sat outside under the beautiful moon and talked and talked. The kids were watching Disney Halloween movies...very non-scary! It was the most perfect night. I think it was too chilly for JB, but not for me.

Last but not least, the most amazing telephone conversation I've had in a very long time took place. It is without a doubt life changing...well it will be over time. It is a dream un-deferred. Thank you KW! You have no idea what a leap of faith I am about to take...well you do, because this is what you do...smile.

The day laid out before me all the possibilities of a life of simple pleasures, giggling children, good friends, dreams realized and me fully present in the moment.

Oh and my bike is a Simple bicycle...really that's its name...smile...how divine.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I AM FOR YOU

I want to hear a man say to me, LoveBabz I am for you! Truly. I appreciate folks wanting to hear I love you. I do. But for me at this place in this big life. I need to know someone is on my side, watching my back, cheering me on, building me up, loving me with deeds and actions.

Everyday in my marriage I heard I love you. My ex was freely throwing it around. But his actions were not loving. So the words began to ring hollow. The words I love you are not hollow to me now, but I have learned that I need to hear and feel, LoveBabz I am for you. That speaks to love and to commitment and staying power.

I am a WOMAN for action. Words are only as solid and strong as the deeds that follow. It is not enough to speak of love, I want and need acts of love. I want the same as I am willing to give.

If I love you, you will know it. If you love me, I will know it.

LOTS OF LITTLE HEARTBREAKS

What to do with all the feelings of inadequacy? The feelings of not doing a good enough job.

I am crying again. I am feeling a bit out of sorts..not crazy mind you. Just out of sorts. Sometimes shit can happen that can spin you around and make you think your judgement is off. That's about where I am right now. It's not one single thing, but a lot of little things. Lots of little heartbreaks. Unkind words, neglect, inattention, and indifference and small cruelties.

I feel them all.

I do not imagine myself a weak woman. I am actually quite strong and mentally tough. It pains me to break under small pressures. Right now I am quick to tears about the most mundane and petty things. What does that say really? Perhaps I am not being truthful about the heartaches being small. What does it matter? My heart aches for some reason. I am crying for some reason.

I am tired. I am dreadfully alone and tired. This is my moment to vent and to rage against the world. Yes, it is foolish and petty, I agree and I know it. This seems contrary to all the love that I know lives in my heart. I am frail in this midnight hour and not truthful about what ails me.

I am not truthful about a lot of my feelings at the moment. There is a great deal of fear and caution as If I will lose out on the very things I want and desire. I am my own worst enemy in this moment.

To cry silently is not sparing anyone. To cry silently is clutching a coward's robe. No matter the lateness of the hour, to be alone when you do not want to be alone is a prescription for continued heartache and despair. Tears are cleansing indeed, but a broken heart is not.

Be still my foolish heart. Be still this distraught mind. I am holding on. I am good at holding on. Shortly it will be first light. Things look beautiful at first light. Blogging this aloness is a gift.

Going back to bed as I am done crying...priceless.