Monday, November 25, 2013

Feed The Light... Lizz Wright, Fellowship CD


I love this song... the entire Fellowship CD brings me great joy.  This song is haunting and thought provoking. 

Feed the light
I want to fight about it now
You won't be lost
You won't be found
You won't be lost
You won't be called out by me for sure
I love you
But you still believe
That blossoms understand when hit
With cold hard wind
It's not the end
Just changing climate for sure
Be sure to feed the light
Just feel the right to get it wrong
It's not the end, it never ends
You won't be lost
You won't be found
Unless you want to be found

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Temporary. SShhh I Need Peace & Quiet

Love calls me to try.  And Try. And try again.

Love calls me to surrender... not my beliefs, or my hard earned confidence.

Love calls me to lay down my "I" for the "We"

The fear of that is almost crippling.  It isn't about trust so much as it is about the uncertainty of someone else having that kind of power over my well-being.  Even if that someone is someonr I've know a lifetime.

I want to be cared for and taken care of.  I want to be thought of first.  I want to be loved beyond measure.

I can indeed care and take care of someone's heart and soul.  I can indeed put someone else first.  I can love beyond measure.

I am walking in the quiet spaces of my life at the moment.  There is no energy for argument or well made points. I can't see another side to shit right now. I can't even talk about what my feelings are.  This is real relationship fatigue.  I need quiet.  I am not running away or denying there isn't more to say.  Just right now, I need wide open spaces.  Hang in if you can, or make your way in the world without me.  I just can't talk about you and me.

I love you for my life, you are a friend of mine.... Donnie Hathaway.  Give me the room, space and distance I need to grow, and come back more ready.  Today and tomorrow, I can't open up for you.  and no, I don't want to have you open up to me.

Temporary.  It is all temporary.
SShhh.  I need Peace. Quiet.

The world is too loud and your added frustrations make the world even louder. This is not a breaking up of any sort.  It is about moving in an Entirely New Direction... E.N.D.

I am not gone.  I am right here in the day-to-day with you, distracted, present, loving, mean, afraid, courageous.  The ebb and flow of life and the routines that keeps us all sane, grounded and safe.

Temporary.

Monday, November 18, 2013

I Remember Myself

I just can't keep talking about "Our Plan for Our Life"  I just can't stand hearing how I am once again not doing my part... more... less...  I just can't stand in the harsh light of ongoing criticism.

DO YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING WORKING? ANYTHING GOOD ABOUT ME, US, MY KIDS?

Resentment is creeping in.  Weariness is creeping in.  Falling out of love, but always loved shows up.  I daydream of love that sweeps me up and takes my breath away.  A love that doesn't care too much for order and disarray.  I want to hear I'm doing a good job.  That I am raising  fine children.  This sounds like I've let doubt in.  How is that possible? I despise women who sell out for a man's affection/approval/acknowledgement. I hate the way my kids look at me after an argument with the Potential Mr. Babz... like I'm selling out... weak... brow beaten. If they see me defeated in my spirit it sends the message that I have no voice.  I see it and it makes me ashamed. This is not who I am.

So I've retreated deep into my heart.  I just can't talk anymore about an Us that does not exist.  If I hear "30 days of consistent effort" I will scream so loud the heavens will think Christ is ready to reveal he has returned.

I want a different life. And I cannot be manipulated into a different sort of life of routine and mundane chores and order.  I want disorder bordering on chaos.  I want art supplies all over the place so if the mood strikes we could create something... anything that strikes our fancy!  I want a home that invites the artists and the intellects together! I want a spiritually grounded space, with incense and jazz.  I want a wine collection. I want cut flowers in every room! I want vibrancy and provocative talk at dinner and lots and lots and lots of laughter!

I want a Christmas tree in my bedroom this year!  Hell, I want a tree in every room!

I want sheer JOY!  You can't get that through constant unrelenting whining about mundane shit.  I am relationship fatigued.

I am remembering who I am.  I am reconnecting to my badd ass self.  I remember myself.  The woman who was.. is fearless and talkative and bold.  The plan for my life is no plan at all.  I want my children to know that and understand that. Life is short.  I want them to have enough of a plan so they're never homeless, or hungry or doubting your ability to do anything at all. But be disciplined in your dreams. Work for your dreams.  Hustle for your dreams and don't let anyone tell you No, or you can't or that you can't achieve your dreams.

I am remembering myself. Conqueror. Woman of many talents. The conversation has to be different, the tone, content, and energy has to be different. I have to be able to come to the discussion from abundance and not lack.  I can't ever stand in the space of lack.  I lack nothing... not courage, not common sense, not willpower, not focus, not discipline, not intellect, not hope, not love.  I lack nothing.  God has equipped me with tools beyond measure.  I am remembering who I am.

I am remembering who I am.  I am OK taking this life's journey alone... God always has my back.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Where I'm At

Trying to do my best to be in this life.  To move through the world with a modicum of self respect and dignity.
People will hurt you if you let them.  The trick is to care more about what I say and believe than what they say and believe.

I do think I am on the right path.  I find joy and passion in my everyday practical life.  But I find I need a great deal of motivational talk.  I gotta stay filled with all the good and divine stuff otherwise I am seduced by the dark under current of lack and worthlessness.

I am coming from under my own funk. This is fighting back!


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I am the Magic

As I reflect on my intentional transformation, I am realizing what I've deeply held in my spirit...
I am the one that is the magic.  God has equipped me with all that I need.  God has left gifts and pearls of wisdom in my path.  My path is illuminated.

Path illuming 
as I move as God would have me.

I am the magic
Indeed.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

The Best Day Of My Life...


So this is my truth:  Creating and living the best days of my life with no apologies, no blame and without believing I am worthless.

November kicks off Intentional Transformation. No more wishing things could be better.  No more wishing I was in love.  I am.  And I am going to behave and act like it from here on out.

The best days of my life are right now!