Monday, January 28, 2013

Fade to Black.... Finally.

The thing is this, if I didn't cut it all the way off, I would still be swirling another 4 years of excuses, loaning money and ridiculous demands on what he needed to make a home.  He has not changed.  He is still doing the same shit he was doing well over 30 years ago.  Still broke. Still borrowing money. Still homeless (moving in and mooching off people) and still making observations about other people's lives and oblivious to the state of his own. (this is not news).

This is not about him.  This is ALL ABOUT ME! I just decided to get off the ride... this is where I came in at and if I don't run like the wind, I'll be trapped in some foolish marriage rife with gender specific roles and a weariness of settling for someone who is  a colossal waste of my time.

BABZ STOP SETTLING FOR MR. NOT-EVEN-CLOSE-ON-FURTHER-INSPECTION! 

Back to the Love List... I can indeed have the loveship of my dreams! I know it and I believe and it will find me!

This post is about feeling liberated and free.  Totally free.  No back sliding for hot sex.  No start again...try again...go again.  it is fade to black.

Yes.

Fade to BLACK!  Means I have stopped accepting his phonecalls/texts/morephonecalls/moretexts.
I have stopped sending texts and calling and texting and calling. DONE!.  I have stopped listening to his messages looking for yet another loan until....

I am broke.  My house is in forelosure.  I have 4 kids to support. I can't keep supporting his inability to keep a job for this reason or that....

FADE TO BLACK.

So I am cutting all ties.  He'll be alright.  He uses people... he'll make a way. 

I'll be alright....  I'll make a way...I am open to all kinds of miracles.

Finally.  Fade to Black.

*Note: Yes, Zora, this is an answer year... my answer is totally goodbye.

Monday, January 21, 2013

God is Calling...And Why Won't I Answer? Well For Starters It's about Forgiveness.

I am CALLED.  Have been for a very long time.  But I refuse to answer The CALL. And when I say The CALL, I mean God's CALL.  That still inner voice that calls you to serve God and take his message to the streets by living and trusting in the word.

Who would I be? And what could I do if I truly gave my entire life to God?  That scares me in ways that are not so easy to speak about and not so easy to see.  The resistance is there, like a 100 foot gate around a moat. My fear about surrender crowds my thoughts... what if I am not worthy?...what if I can't speak the gospel?  What if I can't live it?  I am sure I cannot live it?  Look at the mess that is my life.

It is often said that only GOD can turn a mess into a message.  Maybe this is my turn.

I am not stressed by the validity of The Call.  I know it to be true.  I have always known it to be true.  I first heard it in a little Pentecostal Church here in New Haven back 1974.  Then Again after my first year in college in 1981 and all the years thereafter.  GOD has been chasing me for the better part of my life.

I have been running from the the very thing that saves me.

The CALL's call on my life has pointed me in the direction of  becoming a Spiritual Director.  I do believe  I am to support others' discernment of Where GOD is for them.  And yet, I drag my feet.  I get afraid and turn back around. I have dissected the fear question and the why me question until I am sick of even asking them.

I am not merely talking about giving up things... or stopping certain things. It really is about having a glad heart everyday and letting go of the seductive lure of LACK.  Lack is so woven into the fabric of my life that I can point to the areas where my perception of lack has caused me to do desperate, unloving things to keep from going without, and to look as though I was rising above my circumstances. I did a lot of lying often with enough conviction and indignation until it became the truth to all those who wold listen to me. Damn, it still hurts my heart to think about the bullshit of my bullshit.

Anyway, I keep hearing India Aire version of "The Heart f The Matter" (originally performed by Don Henley).  So rather than sing about a long lost lover...which I have done.  I have decided to let it take on a divine, spiritual quality.  I found it to be quite Illuminating.



Friday, January 11, 2013

Faith Forward Friday: Where I Put My Attention

This is the year of answering my life in ways I have never answered before.  I can feel a sense of deliberate energy driving me. I am more aware of what I eat, what I drink and what the effects will be.  I am working out with real vigor.  I am running.  I am running because I like the results and I like the way my mind clears and the fog lifts in my head.

God is indeed giving me enough light for the step ahead.  Enough light to pay attention to what is immediately before me... not what's around the corner or down the road.  My path is illuminated for the step....a step...one at a time.  This allows me to put my attention on the present moment. The present moment, the present breath, the present thoughts.

There is no love gone. Yes, and now I am sad because he left (but he has been leaving since he arrived).  Love is all around. The man holding my affection has gone and the love remains. My attention is on the love that remains, not the man who has left.  Shifting my attention from what seemed like a loss and putting it on what has been gained  is the next step on my path to greater awareness of who I am.

This is the year of answering my life. Where I put my attention will be all about that which grows me spiritually, physically and lovingly.  I am laying down the burden of holding on to people, places and things that don't make me better, stronger, brighter or healthy.  I cannot be the keeper of other people's shit.  I cannot support people staying stuck in their shit, nor do I want to hear over and over and over what they intend to do, wish to do or dream to do.  This is the year I answer my life.  I am not tolerating my own bullshit excuses. I am putting my attention on growing and becoming more of my best self.

More of my best self.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

This Year Zora, Is an Answer Year

There are years that ask questions and years that answer. --Zora Neale Hurston (1891-1960)

This year Zora, is an answer year.  The last half dozen years were years that asked questions...begged questions...drowned me in questions....  Why Why Why? So many fucking questions, some I thought I laid to rest.  Some are new and still some are old masquerading as new questions.  Maybe the turning of the new year is wrestling them back up. Maybe there is unfinished business in my soul.  Maybe I didn't cut the head off the dragons and they are back with a vengeance.

...can  I cum over and crawl in bed with you one last time?

Yes... Cum.

And so he did. And so we did.  And just as easily as he slipped in, he slipped out.  Gone before dawn as if we were young lovers afraid to get caught by our parents.  My heart was breaking and I didn't even know it.. I was so caught up in the BEST FUCKING SEX EVER. Even now as I think about it I feel hot...faint even.  It has always been amazing with us.  But this time... this last time, felt like I stood in heaven and earth at the same time. There was none of my usual moaning and screaming. There was no sound...as if the sound barrier was broken just as I climaxed. It was a kind of high I never had before.  Every nerve ending in my body was ablaze. I knew I was changing with each touch, with each thrust, with each stroke, lick, kiss, caress.  I was owned in a way that was so foreign and so righteous.  He owned me.  It is a soul-tie that will be hard to break.I called his name, i swore myself to him. The passion consumed me like a house on fire.... yes that corny and that profound.

This year Zora, is an answer year.  I am saying good bye to him.  Forever.  Not like goodbye forever before.  This is an answer year.  The answer is no. Good bye.  You see once we climb out of bed and into the day, who we are becomes unrecognizable. So, Zora this is a year for answers.  And the answer is Goodbye.

This year Zora, is an answer year.  I am answering my life.  Everyday I am going to answer my life.