Tuesday, May 29, 2012

If I Want Something To Be Different.....

...Then I have to do something different.  I have to think differently.  I have to act differently.

Hope is not an action plan.  Yes, hope has it's place, but hope is not enough.  All that I need to do rests in my heart and mind.  I must spur myself into action.  I am spending too much time depending on external forces to motivate me.  I am not against that.  I am a believer that I must keep my spirit stirred up.  I must stay in that place of moving forward.  What I am lamenting is my inaction or half-assed action on matters that I say are of meaning to me.  Oh this is starting to sound like whining.  I hate whining.

Here's my deal:  I have great goals, plans and dreams.  I am implementing a great many of them, but I am stuck on others.  There is real fear deep inside of me.  I thought I was done with being afraid.  I am learning that some fear is good and other fear paralyzing.

I know how to press on, but I swear I am stuck.  its the kind of stuck that traps all the good ideas and good goals that I say matter to me.  Shit.  This is whining.  OK maybe I need to whine to make myself sick of it and then just press on.  Press on without thinking.  And when I say press on without thinking, I mean not over-analyze my steps.  I am so good at talking myself out of a good thing.  This is where I find my stuck-ness.  My fine mind has become a tool of the enemy UUGGHH!   My mind is working against me and I am letting it.  I am doing too much thinking and not enough DOING!

If I want something to be different.... I gotta think differently.  It requires paying attention to the garbage that creeps in and starts dueling with my power thoughts.  Why am I willing to event have this internal fight?  I know better don't I?

It is all in the choosing.  I have to be deliberate in choosing to be focused, steadfast and motivated.  I dropped the ball this morning.  But I can absolutely pick it back up and press on. The day doesn't have to be lost because I went to bed with a plan and got up this morning and didn't execute it.  The day isn't lost.  That's the new thinking right there that is required.  How did I loss sight of this?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I Do Know Life Is Short....

And yet I act as though I will get a another chance at this.  Sometimes I act as though I will get a do over for a a good part of my life. OK NOT!

It always takes death and tragedy to bring me smack up close to my own mortality.  And when its a celebrity death that seems untimely, I get all nervous.  I begin to take a long look over my own life.  I start thinking about my own passing and what will that mean.  I am not being morbid, nor am I depressed or something.  Looking at my own mortality is my reality check.

I am dragged back to the over arching questions of who am I? And want do I want?  I used to believe that there was one great answer for each of these questions.  I used to think that one definition would suffice.  I have come to realize that I am a woman of many passions and interests.  That who I am and what I want changes, shifts and yes, transitions.  I can take a breath and allow the questions to arise and not become twisted about the answers.  The answer is in my living.  The answer is I am.  Whatever it is at the moment that is the answer.  Once I take away all the stuff that is projected onto my life... other people's opinions and spin, I can clearly contemplate my being. If there are shoulds ( I should do this... that or the other thing), they are the ones I heap on myself.  If I want to be in love, then its on me to be in love right now. 

I am concerned and unconcerned with time.  I have done a great deal in my life and I know there is more to do.  The more to do does not come with a sense of urgency.  I am in the flow of doing what moves me and what is needed.  I do know life is short.  I do know that waiting for someone else to give me the life of my dreams is crap.  I know what it is to waste time on people, places and things.  Time marches on whether I accomplish my dreams, fall in love, wait for something to happen or not.






Friday, May 18, 2012

Donna Summer - Spring Affair 1976

This is one of my favorite Donna Summers songs. My other favorite is posted over at PChats.

Ms. Summers meant a lot to me.  She was a cornerstone of the music that defined my youth. Disco was HOT! And Ms. Summers fanned the flames higher and higher!

She will be missed. LONG LIVE DISCO!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I Am Hitting A Stride That I Like...

I love when I remember to just be still and listen for God.  God is always speaking, I am not always listening.  When I go to prayer with a question or an issue or seeking resolution or more clarity, I remind myself to do it in a bold way, but not desperate.  Desperation makes you blind and deaf.  You can neither see or hear a blessing when you are drowning in your own despair.

The answers come at the most opportune time... just when I think I am at the end of my rope viola! a blessing appears, moving me further down life's roads.  The woman I am today is far from that troubled young woman of years ago.  Oh I still have a tough time minding my emotions, but I am not angry or mad about things and people and the world.  I am hitting a stride that I like.

I am learning to take everything to prayer. I have learned that God can and does handle it all. 
My prayers these days are often more focused and less about me. I am wooed by a quiet evening and the stillness of the late hours.  I am hitting a stride that I like.

The challenges of my life are still hanging around and periodically I wave to them.  But for the most part that sense of desperation I used to feel about my life and accomplishments are slowly drifting away.  I don't even have the desire to have long deep conversations with folks. And it's not that I can't.  I just know that most people just want to tell you their position, or tell you what they think is right, or bait you into some argument because they have some point to make or axe to grind.  Besides people do what they want to do anyway and so I love them and leave them to their own designs.

I have been keeping my own counsel. I have adopted that habit years ago.  It is just now starting to serve me well.  People will offer you all kinds of advice that have very little or nothing at all to do with your life.  People project their own fears onto advice and want you to do with your life what they cannot do in theirs.  It's like taking swimming advice from someone who doesn't swim!  Or relationship advice from someone NOT in a healthy, happy sane relationship! I trust myself in God's care.  I am the best one to slay my dragons.  I am the one on the white steed!

Oh yes, I am transitioning again.  I am hitting a stride that I like.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Mary Mary - Go Get It


GO GET IT Lyrics
Mary Mary
It’s like you’re lookin through a telescope
You see where you gone be
Growin’ gettin’ better
You’re not the person they see
Can’t be mad at the things you’ve been through
‘Cuz they built your muscle
Now you’re stronger than you’ve ever been
They can’t stop your hustle
Yo’ faith ain’t never small
That’s what brought you this far
See you got your dreams and you got your prayers
And you got yo’ God, He’s gone take you there
See everybody has a season and I’ve believe this one’s yours
‘Coz you’ve been working, waiting
Rhis what you’ve been praying for
Go get it
Go get it
Go get your blessing
Go get it
Go get it
Go get it
It’s your time (it’s your time)
It’s your time (it’s your time)
It’s your time

You were made to live a good life and that’s what i believe
so hit the floor say a prayer start working you got to do something
It’s alright to crawl before you walk
It’s alright to walk before you run
But if you wanna get what you never got gotta do something that you never done
Go get it
Go get it
Go get your blessing
Go get it
Go get it
Go get it
It’s your time (it’s your time)
It’s your time (it’s your time)
It’s your time

You’ve been qualified
By this mercy multiplied
You cannot be denied
‘Coz you’re finally certified
It’s official
Go ahead and testify
He’s gone bless you
You gone bless me
Now God be glorified
Go get it
Go get it
Go get your blessing
Go get it
Go get it
Go get it
It’s your time (it’s your time)
It’s your time (it’s your time)
It’s your time