Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Opposites and Impossibilities

Fear creates suspicion, distance, defensiveness, and insecurity.  What would be the opposite of that statement?
I am helpless. I can't move forward. I am so hurt. What would possibilities look like if I flip these statements?

I have found in my own life that I have spent too much time living in opposition to what I say I want and need in my life.  I have missed the boat on possibility thinking.  It is easy to be lulled into this thinking because it doesn't feel negative.  I just chalk it up to my feelings.  But really I have the power to have the feelings of my choosing.  Being stuck is the opposite of moving forward. I know this.  It is not impossible to have more love and peace in my life, I just have to make a real effort toward that.

If I spend time on what used to be, then I am lost in my right now. THE PAST IS ALL IN MY MIND! You can't catch a bus to the past. You can't go back there with a push of a button.  The past exists solely in our minds.  And if truth be told we often recreate and invent more or less to our memories, meaning we can't ever remember things just as they were.  Sometimes we are more or less wrong about the turn of past events.

The past is the foundation for opposites and impossibilities that leave us filled with fear, which creates suspicion, distance, defensiveness and insecurity.  I have seen this in my life time and time again.  I can name them for sure and that alone takes away the power of my fears.  Relationships fail under the weight of our fears.  What does it costs me to be afraid?  What does it cost me to dwell in impossibilities?

What would happen if I opened myself up to love on all fronts. To act as though there was no such thing as fear?  What if I acted as if there are endless possibilities for a happy life filled with love and peace?

I am stirring my spirit to stay in grace.  I am surrounding myself with thoughts that positively feed my spirit and my soul. Thinking about my fears is needed as I press forward. I have to name them and turn them lose.  When they show up, I recognize them and they aren't so big and bad.  Living in opposition to what I say I want is no longer an option and requires deliberate attention to noticing when I fall back into learned patterns and behaviors.  The possibilities are endless for love.  Love creates trust, closeness, surrender, and security.  This is what opposite thoughts look like. This is what possibility thinking shows up as.  Love.

Monday, February 27, 2012

My Lenten Journey 2012: Blogging Is A Part of The Sojourn

I do not blog with an end in sight.  I write from where I am with no real thought about the road ahead.  I am coming to understand that God gives me enough light for the next step ahead.  It is just enough illumination to see to the next step. Yes, I often look to the horizon, and I want to see down the road.  But in reality all I need to see is the next step.  I have enough strength and courage for one more step, or at least that's what I pray for.  So blogging keeps me rooted in this very moment.  It gives me pause for the journey right now.  Whatever I am feeling, whatever is happening, it is right now.

This Season of Lent, I am continuing my spiritual journey from a place of desire and excitement.  There is no fear about the road ahead, or the days ahead, or the years ahead.  There are dreams of course, and hopes and plans of all sorts.  But I am most interested in the quality of the journey right now.  Am I noticing God's movement in my life?  Where are the places of beauty and pain and how can I get more of beauty and less of pain?  How am I becoming love?  Do the people in my circle know that I truly love them?  For me this Season of Lent is about my journey and the quality of those moments in my right now.

Lent is the time I am drawing closer to God by giving up and sacrificing creature comforts.  I am giving up, self-doubt, pity, worrying.  Physically, I am giving eating poorly, staying up late, and too many other carnal indulgences.  This is a long overdue overhaul.  It is not ambitious, it is God's call on my life that I have been ignoring for way too long.  I  have only to look back at my blog archives to see where I have started, stopped and started again over the years. Lent calls to my inner self.  I am listening and answering.

Blogging is part of the sojourn, where I meet myself in the now as I take in the totality of my life in this moment.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGEAUX!

She arrived when she was 2 weeks old, a little thing barely 5 lbs.  The Department of Children & Families didn't think she would last...she had some challenges.  She was listless and wouldn't take a bottle.  She was not gaining weight.  It was as if she had nothing to live for.  She was abandoned in the hospital and taken to a foster home with nice people, but they weren't interested in a newborn baby.  Her social worker who knew us through our first adoption knew if she could just get that baby into my  arms that she would be OK.  She was. She is.

She is 10. Sassy. Wicked smart. Beautiful.  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGEAUX! 
You are forever loved and wanted!
Dad's wedding day 2010

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Tomorrow Has To Be The Day I Choose Winning!

I consider myself to be very lucky to be at this crossroads in my life.  I used to be freaked out about choices of which way to go.  Now, I just bask in my good fortune to have choices.  It is amazing how we can just change our minds about how we see things.  I did that and was able to see the blessing.

I am resisting being stuck, but the seduction of it all is quite, well...seductive.  The devil (anything that keeps you from achieving, aspiring and living to be your very best self is indeed the devil!) seems to be working overtime in my mind.  I can't seem to push through.  I am wallowing again.

What am I afraid of now? Damn it! Maybe it's the same fears masquerading as something else.  There is no rest for the fighting spirit against evil and chaos.  I know better.  I must stay on guard and saturate myself in love.

Living through mess arms you with tools for the battles ahead.  I believe this.  But somehow I forget that I am my own champion in God's care.  What I so desperately want is within reach.  Why am I struggling to not  self-sabotage?  I can feel myself being wooed by the negative thinking and the negative internal talk.  Always whispering: I am not worthy. He doesn't really love me, He takes more than he gives, don't be a fool., It is better to be alone that to be a fool in love. I have made a mess of my life and I can't help but continue doing so....

I wonder if Whitney heard the same message over and over and the only thing to do was to drink, do drugs and keep on running.

Tomorrow is another 24 hours (God willing) to get on track. To live differently. To think clearer. To love more deeply. To realize what scares me and send it on its way out of my life and my thinking.

Tomorrow has to be the day I choose winning!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Discipline And Commitment: My Lenten Journey 2012

It's been a while since I blogged about my Lenten Journey.  I did it a few years ago when I was inspired by the creative spirit that was preached in church.  It was all about using your creative energy during this time.  Right now I am intrigued with discipline and commitment and how to have them in my life moving forward.

I was listening to Joyce Meyer last night talk about not allowing your feelings to drive your behavior. I have been guilty, guilty guilty of this in all areas of my life. I have to let go of doing things only when I feel like it.  I must do things because they are the right things to do even if I don't want to do them.  This is how you avert crisis.  This is how you become honorable.  Doing what I say I am going to do.

Lent is all about commitment and discipline...giving something up.  Sacrificing something for the sake of getting closer to God. I have decided to give up beer, wine and cussing!  My kids have no faith in me... NONE! I have faith in me!

I am going to re post some of my past Lenten Journey posts for inspiration and motivation.

Monday, March 2, 2009

LENTEN JOURNEY: AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM

As I discern my Lenten Journey. I am feeling the real pull of my creative nature. The universe is laying before me a path to create my way into abundance. Yes, create my way into my very best self. Yesterday in our Adult Forum at Church we sat to brainstorm our Lenten Journey. Discussing our link between spirituality and creativity. It was an amazing time. This moment that I am in is an amazing time.

I am truly seeing that in difficult times if we are open, our creativity can be the answer to all the prayers to ease fear, lack and discontent. It is our moments of creative expression and thought that are the answered prayers. Not creativity as art and artistic expression alone. But thinking creatively about all things. It is allowing the divinity to lead and direct and open me in ways that I couldn't not see because of fear and lack. It is about lifting my skills up for the glory of God. For the greater glory of God. It is trusting that I have enough to live the life divinely given to me.

My final divorce date is this month. I received the letter from court on Thursday. All the old fears and anxiety came rushing back, can I make it on my own, can I raise my children, can I make a living. It is the end of the END. It is a finality that still hurts. But what I have come to realize and learn in prayer and meditation that there is more for me to do down the road. That this relationship ends, there are many more fruitful relationships awaiting my attention. The greatest one being my relationship with myself and the divinity within.

So my Lenten Journey is so appropriate as I move forward. This is my time to tap into my long buried creative spirit. To shish the nay saying voices and step out on faith. To hear only my voice strong. To follow the light of the divine. To be fearless.

Someone read my tarot cards for me. No this does not put me at odds with my faith. I rather like the mysticism of ancient tarot cards. The 7 Of Swords was drawn. This card speaks to self-created fears. The 7 of swords asks us to look at the ways in which we are limiting ourselves through the terrors of our own imaginations. It asks us to recognise what it is that prevents us from realizing our dreams and inspirations.


And then, this card asks us to open our eyes and see things as they really are. Not scary and dangerous after all, but full of possibility and hope. It is then that we are able to take action!

I am taking action! I am stepping fully into my creative self. I am clearing my mind of unnecessary clutter of doubt, fear and lack. The universe is speaking. GOD is speaking. It is on me to hear and heed.

Ad maiorem dei gloriam

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Holding The Space For Love

I do believe I am in a good place in my life. I am really embracing my openness for love. I am coming to truly understand that love isn't just what I say, but all about what I do.  Love is all about doing even when I do not feel like doing anything.  Love is putting someone else's needs, wants, wishes and dreams before my own.  That doesn't mean I squash mine or bury them or not chase them.  It means I am holding the space open for love by extending my attention to my beloved, as he does the same for me.

Who am I and what do I want?  I have been asking myself this question for years and years on this blog.  In the beginning I thought there was a definitive answer to these two challenging questions. I believed that once I answered them that I would have the answers for my whole life.  What I have recently discovered is that I know who I am and I must rediscover me everyday! And what I want is deep abiding love, faith and commitment from myself and to myself.  I wanted someone to come in and give me more of what I wouldn't give to myself. I was still chasing the fairy tale.  I was still choosing the fairy tale with folks who never read the story or if they did could care less.

The man I love today has a different story...still ripe with a happy ending, but soul-ly rooted in a reality that we create together. As I am getting my act together about how to be in love with someone, I know that I must be grounded in truth and reality.  I must be open to the day-to-day choice to love deeply and fully.

This blog isn't about a destination or an ending.  It is my life as a constant transitioning woman.  I am alive and full of excitement and wonder.  The passing of Whitney Houston scared me. Now more than ever I must live this life like its golden. I must find beauty everyday.  I must hold the space for love deliberately and happily.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Whitney Has Left The Building....

I am 48 too.  I am a mother too.  I have struggled to overcome so much too.

I am still here. Standing. Fighting. Fighting. Fighting.

Why is she gone?  Why couldn't she fight more...harder...longer.

This hurts.  It hurts more than I can even express.

I know God has a plan. A Plan that surpasses all human understanding.

Maybe all the negative talk will stop. Maybe all the speculations about her drug problems will stop.  Maybe she will grow larger in our hearts and minds now that she is dead....as does Micheal, as does Don, as does Etta as does Nick as does so many.

This is a great loss to me. I loved her.  I didn't know the depth of that love until this moment. This moment that she is no longer in the same atmosphere with me. Breathing the same air.

I am missing her already and I can't seem to get my bearings about this.  I feel so connected and so distant and so sad and so mad.  Yes mad. Very Mad. (sigh) (tears) (more tears)

Good bye Whitney. Your music was so much a part of the soundtrack of my life.

I'll always love you.


Friday, February 10, 2012

Whole Wheat Spaghetti with Homemade Turkey Meatballs And Other Acts of LOVE

It has been two weeks of really making the effort to work in harmony.  Mr. Love has stepped in and filled in where needed and wanted.  It felt amazing to have a partner in all things home, hearth, children and community. "Some husbands are born and some are made which one do you think I am?" That was easy although I took  time in answering...over several days.  He was born to be a husband. He was always older than us in spirit...Us being the group of us that hung around the neighborhood while growing up.  He waited for me just about everyday when I got home from school.  He would walk me to my door and stay awhile on the front steps to chat.  He adored me.  He still does, but not from a little boy's memory.  He adores me from the inner place of being a grown man who has no tolerance for games and mayhem.

He shuttled the kids, he did the grocery shopping, he made the bed, he did the laundry. He mopped the floors.  He took out the trash, washed the dishes. He talked deeply with each child.  He talked with the Ex..they got into the car and took a drive. One caveat... Sundays was off-limits! Sundays were for football! The Superbowl being the capstone.

Last night he made whole wheat spaghetti with homemade turkey meatballs.  Delicious! I was so grateful because Thursdays are the most challenging.  The shuttling starts with Briana to group therapy 4:30-5:30, Greg to basketball practice 5:30-8pm, Margeaux to cheer-leading 6:00-8:00pm.  Khalil doesn't have an activity. It is exhausting!  Dinner last night was a true act of love.  It was needed, welcomed and appreciated.

The last 2 years he was here, we were out of sync.  There were moments when we were almost in sync, but not enough to make moving forward a reality.  So off he went to Baltimore. Fast forward to right now, the possibility for real lasting love is within reach.  There is no magic, only hard work, dedication, mutual respect, love and negotiating what we each can live with.

I am taking left over spaghetti and meatballs for lunch today. I want the love to last.


And.... 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADYLEE! 



Sunday, February 5, 2012

Stephanie Mills & Teddy Pendergrass Two Hearts


I am feeling Old Skool today. Yesterday Mr. Love & I was singing this in the car. He has a beautiful voice and I can halfway hold a tune. (Oh Mr. love has been here for a week visiting. He leaves tomorrow to go back to Baltimore... we are negotiating his return. We are making plans to become a family) More on Mr. Love's return in another post. Today we are singing!


Came into my life a stranger
You captured my heart
Now I've got to face the danger
I'm ready to start

Thought that I could make it on my own
All alone
I tried to hard to fake it
Now the truth must be known

Two hearts are always better
Together forever
Two hearts are always better
True romance we'll treasure

You've given me so much of yourself
Till I don't need nobody else
And with each passing day
My love for grown strong in ever way
You are my life

Ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…

Never thought that love could touch me
Move me this way
Don't you ever leave me, baby
Promise you'll stay

I'm so glad I got you, girl
Turnin' my world all around
We won't let nobody change
This love that we, we found

Two hearts are always better
Together forever
Two hearts are always better
True romance we'll treasure

You given me so much of yourself
Till I don't need nobody else
And with each passing day
My love for grown stronger ever way
You are my life

Two hearts are always better (Always, always)
Two hearts (Two) are always better [Me and you, yeah] (Just me and you) [Me
and you]
(Tell them two)
Two hearts [Two hearts] are always better [Always better] (Don't you know,
you got to know)
[Baby, me and you] (Talkin' ‘bout two)
Two hearts [One and one makes two, heh] are always better [Me and you,
yeah] (Oh, oh, yeah)
Two hearts are always better (Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah)
Two hearts (Yeah, two) are always better (Don't you know, two, yeah…two)
Publish Post

Two hearts are always better
Two hearts are always better [Don't you know, talkin' bout me and you]
Two hearts [That makes two] are always better [Always] (Yeah) [Always
better, girl] (Two)
Two hearts (Two hearts) are always better [Tried so hard to make it, girl]