Monday, October 31, 2011

The Way To Love

I am contemplating what is really important to me at this stage of my life.  What am I doing and where do I want to go?  I used to have a great deal of anxiety about this. I know it was because I was measuring my life up against other folks.  I was looking outside of myself for validation and definition of success.

I wanted to be a woman who could achieve and accomplish things.  I wanted to soar and I wanted to be great and celebrated. And for a  good part of my life I was!  I was everywhere, doing everything, all at once.  I was on a meteoric rise, my star was bright and I was becoming the toast of the town.  People knew my name, my credentials were impressive and I was smart and beautiful.  And just like that it all burned down.

After the crash and burn and loss of just about everything, I am rebuilding my life.  I am taking stock of what matters to me.  Who do I want to be now?  Reinventing myself is no easy feat and yet here I am transitioning into a life that I am crafting solely on what feels good.  Imagine that.

My challenges are still epic and my personal life sucks.  But underneath all that, in between the desperation and fear, there are pockets of joy...little slices heaven.  This is how I know God is with me.  I see a flower and admire it's beauty.  I know God is with me, when I hear my children laughing and playing unaware of the internal struggles of my demons.  They are happy when I am happy.

I am giving up trying to orchestrate a life based on what I ought to want.  Instead I am building a life based on love and good things and comfort and joy.  I have not had enough of that so I want more.  I am stepping away from controlling everything in my universe (being in control is yet another myth).  I am yielding  into the day, into my life, into my relationships with kinfolks, friends, lover and God.

There is an ease that I want in my life and relationships.  I want to lay down my weapons of war and struggle.  I want to stop arguing and debating my point of view.  I want to be in love and I cannot be if I take up the sword at every turn.  I am not abdicating power, or giving up my rights, or looking to be the world's doormat.  I just know there has to be something more than being combative and afraid.  I must become the very thing I am seeking.  I am on the path...moving in the right direction.  I do believe the time is now to fully commit to this thinking and sense of being.  There is no going back.

I have found the way to love.  The path is right there before more.  The path is illuminated, beckoning come, walk forward, take the step.  Don't be afraid, lead with your heart and bring your head with you.  What I seek is right there. There is no time like the present to step forward.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The "Closure" Myth.. a bit revised

closure [ˈkləʊʒə]n
1. the act of closing or the state of being closed
2. an end or conclusion
3. something that closes or shuts, such as a cap or seal for a container
4. (Law / Parliamentary Procedure) (in a deliberative body) a procedure by which debate may be halted and an immediate vote taken See also cloture, guillotine, gag rule
5. Chiefly US
a.  the resolution of a significant event or relationship in a person's life
b.  a sense of contentment experienced after such a resolution

I have learned that "closure" is a myth in regards to relationships and folks who ask for it...seek it... are misguided souls in denial.  There is no such thing as closure.  There is only what you decide is the end of a thing.  It could be the end of a marriage, a long-term relationship, a job, friendship.  Closure is a myth!

We think we want closure because we can't accept the end of something so abruptly or without explanation.  We think we need and want PROOF?  As if behaviours aren't enough, as if we are blind and incapable of seeing what is presented.  We act as though we don't know who we are and we need reassurance that we are not crazy.

Closure for some validates an affair or infidelity, for others it confirms what we already know to be true...we are not where we ought to be.  Looking for "closure" keeps us trapped in an in unreality that does not serve us.  I can't say that I ever needed closure.  I knew that seeking "closure" was a trap, destined to keep you wondering and worrying about what if and never focused on the what is.  People tell you who they are all the time,  and we just refuse to see them or accept them.  For example if you want to be in a relationship with someone and they have excuses why they can't based on their behavior, and you get it into your head that if they would just say they don't want a relationship somehow this will give you closure! Do you see how foolish that can be?.  If you love someone who doesn't love you (love is a verb and you see that they are not returning your ardor) and you ask for "closure" you are a FOOL! It's not what we say it's what we do.

We all have been a FOOL! I have played the fool more times than I can say.  Love requires you to play and be the FOOL.  It's when you refuse to stop being the FOOL and you are seeking"closure" is a fool's game.

We have to understand what we want and what we are getting and what we need to satisfy our soul.  Looking for closure might just be another way to run from our lives.. to not look at the what is.

I am meditating on this thought.  I hope you will too and come come back and let me know your thoughts..

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Start All Over Again - Dave Koz ft. Dana Glover



I LOVE this song! This is the song a Grown Woman sings as she is transitioning....as I am transitioning. I am moved by this song. It saves me every time I hear it.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I Thought I Was Lost....

On my way in the world
I thought I was lost

was lost


i thought i was lost

I ran into the arms of many


some good


bad


impossible


ridiculous

and then I stumbled upon


my soul mate


waiting


wanting


me only me



I stretched out my arms...wide...welcoming.


wrapping them around my one true love


the one I was meant for


born for


will die for

Will happily spend the rest of my life with.


On my way in the world
I thought I was lost


I was not. 
and I found

my heart's desire....



It was always ME.


Babz Rawls Ivy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Whitney Houston - I'm Every Woman


I am feeling very "I am Every Woman" today! Plus Whitney never looked more beautiful than this video. So I got my runway stride and I am ready to hit the streets!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

SPIRITUALLY GROWING UP

Sometimes the road ahead is a lone journey.  All those that were hanging around have faded away.  I used to be saddened by the loss of friendships.  I would lay awake wondering what did I do to drive someone away.  Why had the friendship/loveship soured and dissolved? I would wring my hands and heart over a failed attempt at intimacy.  Why can't shit last?  I would cry over and over what could I have done, who could I have become to keep friends/lovers?  I was whining about this just awhile ago.  Feeling all sorry and drained.  Hanging my hopes and dreams on some fantasy that I concocted for my "Happily Ever After".  I spent so much time beating myself up about behaving and being worthy.  Oh my GOD I made myself sick with ego driven wishes, desires and wants!

And today is the magical day it happened.  I had to SPIRITUALLY GROW UP!  I had to be deliberate in NOT thinking about me and my wishes, hopes and dreams and focus on my behaviors.  What am I doing to to live a more fully celebrated life?  Was I being a blessing to someone other than ME?

I spiritually grew up by realizing, that friends and lovers weren't leaving me...they delivered the message I needed when I needed it. They stayed long enough to bring me gifts and lessons and comfort if needed for the journey ahead.  They held the mirror up for me and showed me who I was and offered me opportunity to make changes or continue on for the continued lesson(s).  We always get the same lesson over and over until we learn and are ready for the test.  I have noticed the patterns of my life...folks have come and gone and come again.  What looked like abandonment and heartbreak, is on second long glance, gifts for my soul.  Pearls of wisdom to help me become more of who I am supposed to be.  Breaking my heart was not their purpose, teaching me a lesson about who I am and who I will become was always the reason for their being in my life.  I just had to see it from spiritually mature eyes and heart.

I am a GROWN WOMAN. A woman transitioning into the next phase of this life journey.  I take steps ahead and tumble backwards.  I am wise and foolish.  I am smart and simple.  I am beautiful.  The goal now is to recognize the gifts as they show up and be grateful and open for their inherent meaning. 

Always asking: Who Am I? What Do I Want?


Friday, October 14, 2011

PLAY SPENT

Play SPENT

Urban Ministries of Durham (UMD) will challenge the way you think about poverty and homelessness.

Work hard. Do the right thing. Homelessness is something that will never happen to me. Sometimes, all it takes is one life-changing experience to land you on the streets: a job loss, death of a loved one, divorce, natural disaster, or serious illness.

Next thing you know, a chain of events sends your life spiraling out of control…

How would you cope? Where would you go? What would you do? Figure something out, right?

We invite you to take the challenge… Play SPENT



What if you had nowhere else to go? No other options? No one to call upon? No network of support?

We all need somebody sometimes, especially when life throws you challenges. Urban Ministries of Durham (UMD) is where many turn for help. They have simply run out of options and have nowhere else to turn. They need help with life’s most basic needs—but they also need somebody to offer them hope, to give them a vision of a better tomorrow, and to encourage them to keep on trying and to not give up.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Oprah Knows for Sure About the Power of Ego - Oprah's Lifeclass - O...


I am enjoying Oprah's Lifeclass. She is a wonderful teacher and I feel this very much. This thinking is marrying well with my spiritual direction. It is quite illuminating.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Inner Fire

I know there is more to a well balanced relationship than sex. I know that sex is only one part of a deeply rich and committed loveship. I know that there has to be compatibility, respect and love.  With that said...

I miss having sex. 

I miss making love.  I miss orgasms that make me scream to the top of my lungs! Ha ha ha! Yes, I am in a self imposed (indefinite) period of celibacy.  That doesn't make the desire for sex go away.  Perhaps this is a post for Pchats...  I am one of these women who can have sex at anytime of day.  I am always ready (except when it's that time of the month...although I used to when I wore a diaphragm for birth control---20 years ago)...but I digress.  I have never ever been too tired for sex.  I have never said I have a headache...even if I had a headache I know sex would cure it!  I am baffled by folks who don't make sex a priority in their marriage.  I mean really, in marriage you are your most freest, at least that's how I felt in mine. It was so safe and secure.  My then husband indulged my fantasies, bought me toys and dvds. I enjoyed myself.  Even if we were fighting, or mad, I would still have sex because sex was not a weapon. Withholding sex from him because I was mad was a punishment for me so I never rolled like that. Besides make-up sex is HOT!

At this point in my life I am not interested in one-night stands, or casual liaisons.  I am in need of full commitment and marriage.  I did my "Sex In The City" period.  I am not trying to relive that as a Cougar.  There is this inner fire that seems to be more passionate at 48 than it was when I was 28, or 38.  It is a new intensity that I like.  I don't feel out of control.  I feel very sensual and powerful.  I know what turns me on and I can articulate it.

I have a few fears about this inner fire and where it will lead me.  I wonder if I will meet someone who shares the same itensity or at least some of it.  I can't imagine being with a man too much younger than myself, but when I look at men my age, they are not looking very virile. Could I exist in a low sex or no sex marriage?  Oh intellectually yes.  I just don't want to spiritually or physically. 

This time right now I believe to be prime sexually fulfilling and I don't want this time to pass me by.  There is no panic, just a little fear. Sure Ia m channeling this energy into other things, I am a mature woman, I am not solely ruled by my passions.  I know how to focus on other things.  Right now I am feeling pretty sexual and orgasmic and comely.  Comely a very biblical term I like that connects me back to my divinity.

The inner fire is raging and I like it.  I feel powerful and commanding.  It is an untapped energy source that ought to take it's rightful place on the list of things that motivate me.

This energy requires further exploration and reverence.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Accepting Love Lessons...Or How I am Choosing To Spin This Break-Up

All I can do is is keep my bullshit to a minimum.  All I can do is speak truth to power as I know it.  If I want truth then I gotta walk in truth.  I feel a rant coming on and I am doing my best to suppress it.  I want to spin my annoyance into a life lesson learned.

So here it comes:  a life lesson is how I am seeing this thing.  His only purpose as I see it now was to bring me a lesson on being in love and partnership.  He is not and was not my destiny as I had hoped, dreamed, wished.  I saw what I wanted to see and I believed what I wanted to believe.  I tolerated, and excused and looked past.  This is truly what love ought to do, unless it is harmful stuff, life threatening stuff, soul breaking, disrespectful stuff.  It was none of that.  It was however, a mismatch.  We are of a different time and place.

I paid attention to my heart and mind and got the lesson.  He set me upon a path of relationship building that will serve me for the next loveship.  He is not the one.  How do I know this?  I know this because my thoughts are peaceful when I am not thinking of him.  Now that he is gone, I am happier and the future looks brighter.  I feel free. I do not look forward to hearing from him. I do not love him to my soul.  I love him as I do all humankind.  That will not change. 

What did I learn from him? I learned that I do not have to be an Alpha Woman all the time.  I can conquer the world, but when I get home, I can relax, be softer, purr and nest.  I can slip into a feminine stance and revel in my womanhood. I realized that there is so much good love in me that is waiting to be heaped upon someone.  I mean there is so much love in me that no one loses out if I turn my attention toward my kids, a man, my work, my church, my friends, charitable causes and community. They are all loved and loved fully.  I do not have to choose. I can love all with great abandon.

I have learned that I want to be a woman in love.  I want to be softer and homespun.  I want to be a yin to a yang.

When God gives you a lesson, rest assured there is a test to follow.  I am waiting for my test.  I am ready for my test.  I am embracing my romantic self.  My feminine she.  I own my masculinity, it has served me well.  It has given me a fearlessness that has carried me through difficult times.  I can hold it down strong.  Now I want a partner.  A real partner.  Someone who lifts me up. Holds me dear. Someone who believes that I am for him.

So I am taking this break-up to another level.  One that is more positive and in line with my spiritual walk.  There is not point in bitterness or anger.  A broken heart can mend, and the love we shared was real.  His part in my story has come to an end.  And I am grateful for the time spent.  I truly have grown richer and bolder in my desires.

I am sorry he is angry with me for taking this direction, and for not trying harder.  And perhaps there is something to that, if I weren't clear and didn't own my mind.  I am moving on with a happy and grateful heart. I have gotten a lesson in love that is priceless.  I wish him a well lit path for the journey ahead.  

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address


This is a message that I needed. It's about adoption. It's about life lessons and it's about believing in yourself and just trusting that things will work out if you do your part...follow your curiosity, pay attention to your heart.

May He rest in peace.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Under Utilization of Expecting Miracles

I do believe we have forgotten how to expect miracles.  Or maybe I should say we have forgotten how to be in awe of miracles.  We all know the miracle of birth.  And the miracle of finding someone, or something we thought was lost to us.  We only think of miracles as a passing quirky thing we say when we find our team on the losing end of a game "we need a miracle to win".  Or if we are going through divorce we secretly whisper "it's gonna take a miracle to find someone new" Or as I like to say, He will have to come bearing the Ark of The Covenant. Ha ha ha.

We are missing out on an action step that could elevate our mood and change the direction of a situation, or how we perceive a situation. I am talking about the under utilization of expecting miracles.  Gasp... a very religious thing! Miracles are all around waiting to be bestowed upon us if only we would look for them.  I am not talking about Abra Cadabra Presto Chango MAGIC!  I am talking about real miracles, unexpected shifts in outcomes that we originally thought were doomed.

In my own life I have taken up the charge of expecting miracles all the time.  I am rooted in this thinking as I move through stressful times.  I have done all that I can do in a situation and now I must set my mind to expecting a miracle.  It has been my experience that a miracle isn't  necessarily an outcome we desperately want, but rather an outcome that is suited to what we need most.  Perhaps a change of heart, or a different perspective.  Miracles are about grace (code for blessings) and our ability to keep the faith when things seem their most dire.  I know we all want what we want, when we want it.  And miracles flip the script....what is needed will come.  That is the miracle.  That is the ultimate lesson in every situation.  What we want is trumped by what is needed.  And what is needed is right for that situation.  Sometimes the miracle is the lesson.  Sometimes the miracles is the test.  And sometimes the miracle is the loss.  And that is perhaps the hardest one of all.

Everyday I expect a miracle, and everyday I get one, or two or several depending on how ready I am to look and see.  I am breathing this morning...what a miracle!  My children are bathed, clean and fed...what a miracle!  I have been in love....what a miracle! I need to continue to provide for my family...food, shelter, clothes.  As I plan I am realizing that in this moment all that is taken care of... what a miracle! Tomorrow is for tomorrow and right now the miracle has arrived.  I am keeping this thinking close to my heart as I move forward and the possibility of losing my home to foreclosure looms on the horizon.  I am refusing fear and chaos and depression.  I am instead standing in the place of miracles and faith. Knowing always that I have been brought this far by faith and there is no giving up now.