Saturday, October 30, 2010

Aretha Franklin` Angel`


Spoken:


I got a call the other day

It was my sister, Carolyn, sayin

Aretha, come by when you can

I've got somethin I wanna say.

And when I got there she said

You know, rather than go through a long drawn out thing,

I think the melody on the box, will help me explain



Gotta find me an angel, to fly away with me

Gotta find me an angel, ooh and set me free

My heart is without a hole, I don't want to be alone

I gotta find me an angel in my life, in my life

Too long have I loved, so unattached within

So much that I know that I need somebody so

So I'll just go on hoping that I find me someone

Find me an angel in my life

In my life



Instrumental



I know there must be someone, somewhere for me

Oh I lived too long without the love of someone

And there's no misery ooooooh oooh like the misery

I feel in me, gotta find me an angel in my life

(He'll be there now don't you worry)

My life (keep lookin and just keep cookin)

My life (he'll be there, now don?t you worry)

My life

Aretha Franklin` Angel`

Monday, October 25, 2010

GUILT

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken for the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

I found this passage profoundly moving and divinely directed to me.  It is no accident that I came across this passage this week.... I finish federal probation this week.  I served 29 days in federal prison camp, 5 months house arrest/confinement and 3 years supervised release...probation.  It is time to let go of the guilt and for the last 3 years I couldn't let it go.  This passage illuminates my path toward letting go.  This is the week I let it all go and truly move on from it.  No longer hiding in shame.  No longer beating myself up.  I am worthy of being in this world and enjoying this life.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I AM ALRIGHT

I am still feeling good about all the possibilities ahead of me. Oh yes, I have major issues to deal with...my house and saving it.  Trying to figure out if we can afford to send our oldest daughter to parochial high school next year. Keeping all the children clothed and fed on a tight budget.  And yet I am happy.

I put up new curtains in the living room and dinning room.  I saved for 5 months to get interlined drapes to insulate the windows this winter.  I am so proud of that effort.  It is a small pleasure, and man-oh-man it makes me feel so good!  I realize at this point in my life that I truly can choose to wring my hands in despair or worry, or I can look for the small pleasures in the day and find joy and delight in breathing and walking. I've been through some tough crippling times and I remain strong and rooted.  I would love more money...not to make me happy, but to take away some of the immediate concerns of survival. Regardless all is good.  All is well.  All shall be well.

This is my favorite time of the year.  A time of snuggling and crisp air and pies baking.  I am alright.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: FEELING GOOD!

The house is clean and 75% de-cluttered (basement & linen closet need work).  I have put out my small collection of Fall decorations.  The geraniums on the front steps are still blooming.  I am feeling good.

I have been sticking to my work out/weight training program.  I feel great.  If I keep this up results are sure to follow!  I am feeling good.  It's been a long time coming.  I haven't felt this good through and through in a very long time.  My thoughts have been positively positive!  I am feeling good.

I do believe I have turned another corner in my large lived life. I feel the presence of God just moving me forward with a gentle push.  I am still standing in grace.  I know how far I've come.  I remember just a short while ago, my mind and heart were in a dangerously low place and I was deathly afraid. It seems long ago, but it wasn't, so I must be mindful to protect and nurture this good feeling.

These are the sweetest days.  The air is crisp, the leaves are turning and I am dreaming of holiday feasts with family and friends.  Love is all around and I swear I can taste it!

I am falling in love with living again.

Friday, October 8, 2010

OUR DEEPEST FEAR



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

Thursday, October 7, 2010

FIRST THE TEST...THEN THE LESSON

I can feel the wolves at the door.  I can feel the magnitude of my life weighing unduly heavy.  It is these moments where I must summon all my faith.  Be still and listen for God's directive.  I am not afraid...  I can see how I can be afraid.  There is so much at stake.  I don't have the luxury of whining abut how tough it is.  It is what it is. I have to keep my head straight.  I have children who depend on me to provide.  I depend on me.  Opting out is not an option.

First comes the test...then the lesson.  This is how I believe God works sometimes. 

So here I am standing in the same place of uncertainty, lack and self-pity.  The big difference is I am not accepting any of it.  I am not allowing any of the negative vibes to take hold in my spirit. I am refusing to feel sad, hopeless and depressed.  All is not lost.  It may feel like it, but then again feelings can be illusion.  THIS IS MY TEST: What will I do in the face of enormous challenges? 

There are good things just up ahead and that's the direction I am going. THAT'S THE LESSON! Move in the direction of the blessings. Forward.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

MOVE SWEAT MOVE SWEAT MOVE

Movement and sweating is critical to change.  You gotta move the butt to clear the mind.  You gotta sweat to flush the toxins out of your body. You can de-clutter your living space all you want, but if your mind is cluttered then you've done very little by way of change.

I am feeling good these days.  I have been active everyday since I took up this 100 Days Challenge (sure you can say 100 day challenge) Anyway, I want to be strong and svelte.  I want to get rid of my pillow....code for: that big tummy that I spend a ridiculous amount of money trying to hide with big shirts, tunics and caftans.  I want to glide in my heels.  I want to wear whatever I want to wear. I want to be around to see my kids live their lives.

So I am moving my butt EVERYDAY!  I have DVDs and weights and good sneakers and wii and access to parks.  I am committed to moving everyday just as I am committed to brushing my teeth.  It is that serious.  The change for me is a top to bottom all over change.  I want a different outcome. 

Move sweat move sweat move.  That's the mantra.  That's where I pick up the charge and run with it.

Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.

Monday, October 4, 2010

COME AS YOU ARE....

You have only one sacred duty:
     to make your spirit available to others.
You do this by sharing what you already are
      in this and every moment.
If you are loving, you share your loving.
If you are suffering, you share your suffering.
If you are healing, you share your healing.

Why waste precious energy arguing with God about
       what it is that is yours to share right now,
        worrying how your broken bit could be of
        use.

Trust that however unlikely it may seem,
        without your piece,
         the universe would be incomplete.

***Carol Orsborn, Nothing Left Unsaid
Words to Help You and Your Loved Ones through the Hardest Times

Sunday, October 3, 2010

100 DAYS CHALLENGE: FAITH. GOD. LOVE SUPREME.

Let the preaching begin:  You gotta have faith that something bigger, grander and supreme is walking on this journey of change with you.  Call it whatever you like, I happen to like GOD, Jesus Christ, The I AM.  You must find a way to communicate with your inner self and the creator of the universe.  I happen to like prayer, but you can choose whatever methods that work for you... meditation, chanting, burning sage, drawing, or walking through the park. I also like to go to Church.  I have found that this journey is not one to be solely taken in solitude, that meeting up with a community of believers is one of the best blessings in life.  To sit in fellowship with people who share your journey is divine. 

We are not meant to be solitary creatures.  We are meant to be connected to one another in love as well as in struggle. We are not solely just people in our skins, but also spiritual beings that exists beyond the mere physical. To know and understand that, already sets you upon a path of change.  I believe that our physical selves house our spirit, our souls and all our thoughts.  That if the body dies and it will, the spirit journeys on. I think life is infinite. Never ending, always moving, always changing.

All change has to happen from a place of willingness, rooted in love.  Love of self, family,community and country. It is not enough to want anything, let alone change.  Want is only a small part of it. What are you willing to do, everyday to make change in your life?  I think most people think that change is some sweeping larger than life ordeal...and often it is.  But it's in the seemingly small steps we take, that becomes the catalyst for the life changing we want and often times NEED.  Love is discipline expressed everyday no matter what the circumstances of the excuse.  If you are in love with yourself then you will work all the more harder for the changes you need to make.  OK sometimes.  It takes getting the right rhythm of motivation.  It requires your mind to be ready to be focused and it also requires a letting go to a power...a supreme being that is grander, larger than yourself.

Full circle. We need each other clinging to humanity to survive.  We need kind words and actions on our behalf.  We need love unconditional and without harsh judgements. I need you and you need me.  Change is not solitary and neither is God.

Keep the faith and if you have none, get some. Believe that you are not alone. Know that your prayers are answered. Begin with a simple prayer: Breathe in. Breathe Out.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

100 DAYS CHALLENGE: THE PLAN

Everyday for the next 31 days I will be blogging my life and the real changes I am making on this 100 Days Challenge.

Anything you want to do seriously has to be committed to paper.  It's not good enough to hold it in your heart and head.  You have to actually commit to putting your goals and action steps on paper.  It is about accountability, otherwise you're just talking shit.  I know, I have been talking shit for a long long time.

It's not enough to announce to all who will listen what your intentions are.  The road to hell is paved with all the best intentions...  So you have to write it down in language you can relate to.  It doesn't have to be fancy, or in some leather bound journal...unless that's your thing.  I love fancy paper, journals and notebooks. I am always on the look out for interesting and one of kind pretty paper.  Anyway, whatever your fancy, be sure to write down what you are going to do.

Write in a language that makes sense to you.  This is your plan and no one has to see it or know about it unless you share.  I am done sharing, except here.  I find that talking to people about what you want to do can be annoying and sets you up for unwanted competition, unwanted opinions and unwanted company. Unless of course you want competition, opinions and company.  There is value in accountability, so think about that and perhaps tap one friend who won't judge you or hamper your progress and won't baby you and accept your mess either.  And for heaven's sake stay away form the "know-it-alls" Those folks who just know everything about everything including your health concerns, your dietary needs and your problems. Be gentle with those souls, they believe they are helping.

Check your plan everyday.  Make notes about how you are feeling. Track what you eat if you want.  But most of us have done that before and although it can be quite illuminating, I know you know where your dietary pitfalls are.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself.  Shush the negative talk. Do your best.  Make the effort and keep at it.

Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. I will post a little something at least twice a week on the challenge. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.

Friday, October 1, 2010

100 DAYS CHALLENGE: IT BEGINS...

Everyday for the next 31 days I will be blogging my life and the real changes I am making on this 100 Days Challenge.

I am starting my 100 Days Challenge with reconnecting with my bedroom.  The place where I sleep and dream and make love.  Gee, how can that be true when there are clothes drapped over the chair and magazines on the floor, books in the bed.  Nothing about my room makes me want to sleep, dream or make love!  So I am taking it back!  I am cleaning the room, picking up the mess and putting things away. Last Summer Mr. Love painted it a beauitiful soft teal color and I bought new linens (tossed all the linens that we bought during the marriage).  I had a vision for my room.  A place of solace, and inspritation.  A sacred space that was a no-kid zone.  I have to recapture that vision.  I am recapturing that vision.

I can no longer allow the tired excuses to drip from my lips like honey.  If I want a different outcome I have to do things differently.  It starts with picking up my room and caring about my things.  It is about creating the sacred space I so desperately desire.  There are no magical fairies that will come in and make my bed, do my laundry and tidy up.  Last I heard gnomes are working for Travelocity.  So its all on me to create and maintain my bedroom as a sacred space.

Who am I and what do I want?

Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. I will post a little something at least twice a week on the challenge. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.