Wednesday, July 28, 2010

LIKE A BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

There are days when nothing but a honest-to-God Soul Singer, singing an honest-to-God soul song to lift your spirits.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

BITTER PILLS...REPOST FROM HER SIDE

Her Side, one of my favorite blog sisters had this post up at her blog, Battle Scars and Exit Wounds. I loved this so much I begged her to let me repost it here. This is perhaps one of the best pieces of advice I've heard in a long time. No she is not suggesting to stay with a fool, or keep yourself trapped in mess, or harm's way. I take form this just what she said "If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger"

Her Side:
Several weeks ago, my parents received bad news. "Although you are legally married, you've been living apart for many many years. He must be dropped from your retirement insurance."

In a funny twist, my parents are together almost every day. She cooks for him. He helps her with the house. They introduce themselves as husband and wife. But they can't stand living together. Mom is too controlling and dramatic, which doesn't mix well with the healthy doses of testosterone pulsing through dad's veins. Even in their 60's and 70's, some of their encounters mirror the hilarity of tweens trying to navigate puppy love.

Anyway...

Since mom couldn't produce a single utility bill or bank account statement in dad's name at her address, he is left to his own sparse insurance. They estimate his medical bills could increase by $1000 out of pocket per month. Nobody on retirement funds can afford that nonsense.

As my mother shared this crisis with me (and lamented about my father's annual visit to his girlfriend's hometown - a total other story), she said the bitter words I hear from far too many older women. "STAY. SINGLE." She meant it. "Share your life and your resources with no-one. You'll have to help them one day."

I have thrown my hands to the sky and raised my face to the wind many times with the same objection. "What part of that advice offers me the option and information I need to experience the beauty of a loving relationship?" Doesn't choosing a partner come with the absolute promise that one day I'll have to hold them up during a time of need? Doesn't the anticipation of their love and support during my darkest hours balance the perceived hardship? If that isn't love, then WHAT. IS????

Wounded people wound others. That concept is one block in the foundation of this blog. The wounded spread their bitterness like a disease... cleverly concealed under the shroud of "loving relationship advice."

Keep this in your back pocket: If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger. Smile. Keep it moving. Brush the bitterness off your clothes and find a trail that leads to love. It is the only truly positive power this planet has ever known.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

GOD GRANT ME....

Everyone knows the short version of this powerful prayer.  But My minister shared with me the entire version of the prayer yesterday.  It goes deeper than originally imagined, at least for me.  I was supposed to get this prayer yeasterday.  It lingers in my heart and mind.   

God grant me the:
Serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference,
Patience for the things that take time,
Appreciation for all that we have,
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other, and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
~Reinhold Neibuhr

Monday, July 19, 2010

MY LIFE PLAN IN PARTS: HEALTH, WEALTH, CHILDREN, LOVE AND WHATEVER ELSE ADDS TO THE RICHNESS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY LIFE

I have spent a lot of time over the last year thinking about my life in the biggest possible way. I have tried to make room for love (a lover), it was a great effort but ultimately may have come to its end. That in and of itself is fine.  I needed that love affair to push me back to my Love List....more on that part later.

Today I am focusing on HEALTH!  I finished reading Geneen Roth's WOMEN FOOD AND GOD.  I picked up her book well before I saw her on Oprah...which just added to my sense of being on the right path.  I am joining her and thousands of others in giving up this dieting shit.

I gathered all the books I have bought over the years on dieting and eating.  I stacked them on my dining room table and I sat and stared at them.  I needed to see how much time and money I have invested on deprivation, chaos, desperation and shame.  Let me tell you I could have gone around the world several times over on the money I spent on those books.  Not time for regret or shame.  I am done with that.  I am not dieting ever again.  I have had it. I will however, workout and move this body with love and care.

So here's the Eating Plan:

THE EATING GUIDELINES

Eat

when you are hungry.

Eat
sitting down in a calm environment.

Eat
without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

Eat
what your body wants.

Eat
until you are satisfied.

Eat
(with the intention of being) in full view of others.

Eat
with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

Geneen Roth
Women Food and God



All this week I am laying out my life plan.  I am moving in an Entirely New Direction (E.N.D).  Direction that I chart and implement on my own terms.  I will not and cannot be moved or swayed with illusory promises of something better.  I am the something better.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

GET UP...MARY MARY

I am setting the tone for the END: ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION. I am done wasting time, being afraid and just plain stuck.  I am committing this song to memory and it will be my mantra moving forward!  I believe that the music we enjoy has a defining effect on how we live and love.  Our soundtrack for our lives whether we like it or not, speaks to what's on our minds and sets the tone for the direction we are going. Yes music is that powerful! 

GET UP!



Layin' Low
Rest n' pause
Sleeping long
Slow motion
Gonna do
Shoulda, coulda, woulda done
Excuses

What are you afraid of?
Don't you know what you're made of?
One of God's greatest creations
Take this invitation now

Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait

He said
She said
They said
What do you say?
It's your dreams
your choice
your time
your life
So don't you
don't you
miss it

What are you afraid of?
Don't you know what you're made of?
One of God's greatest creations
Take this invitation now

Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait

Welcome to the rest of your life
from now on, just try
to live more, want more, work a little harder
dance more, laugh more, be a little smarter
hug a little longer, love a little stronger
you've been down but now it's time to

Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait (2x)

One more time, Say...
Get Up (x9)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I AM ENDING THIS....

I am in a funk.  And so it has begun.  A real sense of uneasiness and a longing for something else..  What I know for sure is that whatever has begun in my spirit...sadness, anger, fear, unhappiness is robbing me of my joy. I gotta face it head on.  Running away from shit when it's hard is not the answer.  It only keeps me in the struggle.  It only keeps the difficulty swirling about. It keeps me focused on the difficulty, but not in a solution focused way.

Acknowledging my weary blues and allowing them to pass on through is the answer.  Not wallowing in the mire of uneasiness and unhappiness.  I mean why?  I am happier when I am happy.  There are days when the smallest of things brings me great pleasure.  Days when the sound of my children's voices are the loveliest thing I 've heard all day. Then there are days when the lows are treacherous.  They surround me and I am free-falling backwards, grasping to hold on to regain my balance but never actually getting ahold of anything.

I am everywhere in my thoughts.  I am in love with no one and the world knows it.  I am a malcontent in this moment.  Yesterday was the beginning of low spirits and today it is so and tomorrow, I think I will let it go.  I am done running.  I know I am still moving toward the END...Entirely New Direction.

This is my letting all this shit end.  This is how I am moving forward. Allowing the pain to come on. COME ON! And I am going to feel all of it and then Baby I am letting it END! Yes! I am ending my long-standing affair with pain, fear and unhappiness.

I'll be back on Monday with a new sense of self and a plan of marching strong to my dreams!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

PHYLLIS, ME AND GRACE

I am aggravated. I am annoyed.  Anxious. Overwhelmed and tired. None of these feelings are constant. They are however, lingering. I have some root issues that I can't seem to face. Like an onion, the more I peel, the more I cry, the more there is to peel.  I am tired of peeling. I am tired of talking, discerning.  I am almost tired of prayer.

I know enough to know that what ails me does not rest in the physical world.  It is my uneasy mind.  It is the past and present running up against each other. Everyone thinks they have an answer. Perhaps they do.  I just need the din of the world to shut the fuck up and let me catch my breath.  Maybe I am unfair in wishing the world to be quiet on my behalf. Perhaps it is I who needs to shut the fuck up.

Maybe because it's Phyllis Hyman's birthday and I feel the pull of depression whispering seductively let me inLet me be with you.  SIGH! All I feel is alone. I feel like I am screaming and no one hears me. 

I know enough to know that I can spin myself out of this nothingness. The question is when?  There is something about sulking and retreating into one's despair that traps you, blinds you and binds you.

I am not without grace.  I am in a storm that seems to want to swallow me and grace is reaching for me...always.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

GUESS YOUR NOT THE ONE...GEORGE DUKE

This is such a beautiful song. Lush and mellow. Makes me want to sit with a snifter of cognac and just feel it.

I guess your not the one for me...