Sunday, June 27, 2010

UN-DAY: THE EX' NUPTIALS, MOJITOS AND NEW REVELATIONS


The last week has been a very interesting week.  I had so many emotions (some that I was fully expecting).  He is remarried.  The children looked beautiful in their formal wedding attire.  Gosh how they grow up right before your eyes. 

My Sister-friend JB came over Friday evening, the day before the Ex's nuptials.  She came riding in on a white horse with MOJITOS! YES! MOJITOS!  Just what I needed.  I posted that happy event over at www.eatdrinkdivorce.com

I had planned a day that was a totally UN-day(unstressful, un-wedding, un-kids, un-mess)  I didn't want to tie his nuptials to anything that I did.  I did not want to mark the day with anything that would keep "Us" connected.  I wanted it to be ordinary.  I had a plan.  Then Mr. Love hijacked them.  I was not considering him, he said.  I was making plans without thinking of him. SIGH.  So we made an inclusive plan.  A lovely brunch, a picnic and time together. OK LISTEN FOR THE TRAIN WRECK: We never got to the planned day.  We got into an argument which is just one of many in a series of fights that seem to be all my doing...so he says.  I lack so much...discipline...consideration...care...concern of another person I say I want in my life.  Yes there is a great deal of truth in all that.  More truth than I first realized.

Here's the NEW REVELATION: Perhaps I am choosing fear over love. And in choosing fear I am losing out on a grand love. There is love between us. True, deep and abiding.  He is patient and I've been scared. We need each other.  He recognizes it and I run from it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

CLOSER...CORINNE BAILEY RAE

This song is HOTTTT! It has a serious Minnie Ripperton vibe to it. It is sexy and soooo GROWN WOMAN! and it does speak to how I am feeling. I love music and its effect/affect on my spirit. These songs are the background for my life.



I don't want to give you up
I don't want to hold you up
I don't want ambiguous
I just know that I've had enough
I want you to travel with me
Let loose and let your mind go free...Show you things that you've never seen
You just got to go with me
Ohhh

(Chorus)
Your love is so good that I want to show you
Don't make me responsible, for something that you can't find
Ohhh
Your loving is so good, so good, the closer
I want it, I want it
Into me
I want it, I want it,
Leave it here
I want to get close to you baby
Experience...
I want it, I want it
Generous...
Lay down what's impeding you
Cause I want to get close to you

(Verse 2)
I don't want to give you up
I'm tired of the pull and push
I"m tired of the making love
Don't you feel like you've had enough
I want you to journey with me, explore all the innocence
I don't mind us to build tension but we've got to move in the same direction

(Repeat Chorus)

You just got to go with me...

(Repeat Chorus x2)

CORINNE BAILEY RAE

Friday, June 18, 2010

FINDING MY WAY BACK...JAHEIM

Music says everything that I can't. Music expresses and explores my deepest feelings. When I can't quite say what I want, a song or songs can pinpoint my feelings with clarity and depth. This song in particular speaks to where I am. I am feeling the distance (that we have...I have created) Fear is powerful. Yes the question looms: Who are YOU? and what do YOU want?

PS. Regina King is AMAZING & STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL!



Lights out,
sucker punch, siked out.
Caught a love wave,
rode it then i wiped out.
Two ships just passing in the night now,
Offshore, looking for a light house.
Reveal you said that it was painless,
down and out drowning in the sea of my anguish
Funny, you always said hope floats.
Comprehended it, but i cant cope
So I

Gotta find my way back, way back to you baby.
Tryna find my way back , way back to you baby.
Gotta find my way back, way back to you, to us, to love.

Man down, my heart's in your hands now.
Hate to love, draw an X in the sand now.
No clue, no map, damn.
so im digging until i end up in japan now.

Reveal you said that it was painless,
Down and out drowning in the sea of my anguish
Funny, you always said hope floats.
Comprehended it, but i cant cope
So I

Gotta find my way back, way back to you baby.
Tryna find my way back , way back to you baby.
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you, to us, to love.

We got lost lines got crossed
and the light turned to static baby.
And the not your ship got caught up in the current
and they carried both of us away
We were so much better
When we were together
and I just cant let you slip away.

Gotta find my way back, way back to you baby.
Tryna find my way back , way back to you baby.
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you, to us, to love.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

TELL ME YOU LOVE ME...LEELA JAMES

This woman speaks to me!  I love the richness of her voice.  I love love love this song.  It is soooo old school Saturday night! Anyway, I feeling this song in a big big way.



I unpacked my chest for you
Do everything that you want me to
Can't believe I gave you all my love
What in the world was I thinkin' of?

I just let it all slip away
With every minute, hour of the day
And if it really meant to be, just share with me
Why do I still feel incomplete?

Tell me, yeah
I need to know, baby
I got to know
Tell me, yeah
Tell me that you love me

If I give you what you need
Would you do the same thing for me?
'Cause I don't want to be alone
I want you here all night long

'Cause when you leave me, baby
I'm thinkin' about you always
I'm ashamed to say
How much I want you to stay

Baby, tell me, yeah
I need to know
Say it now
I got to know
Tell me that you love me

Now you see
I'm not tryin' to make a big fuss over this
But I'm just sayin', you need to let me know how you feel sometimes
Say it, it's not wrong, expressing yourself?
That's what wo- women like that, you know what I'm sayin'?
You know, you got to tap into your romantic side
Shoot, return the love, baby, return the love

I need to know, I want to know
I need to know, I want to know
I need to know, I want to know

I need to know, yeah baby
I got to know, oh, tell me
Tell me that you love me, love me, love me, love me
That you love me, love me, love me, love me

I unpacked my chest for you
Do everything that you want me to
Can't believe I gave you all my love

Saturday, June 12, 2010

TANGO SUEÑO...TANGO LESSON: SSHHHH! THERE IS NO TALKING IN TANGO

When your partner takes you to the floor, there is an expectation that you will follow.  There is no foreplay of verbal back and forth.  You follow. You trust.  You know your place.

You cannot and must not ask questions.  The movement of the body is the only way to communicate.  You must know your body.  You must be comfortable in your own skin.  It is not about size, height, weight.  It is about TANGO. You move when he moves.  You surrender when he guides you.

There is no talking in TANGO. You cannot just stop and ask what is the next step.

Tango is about communicating with your body.  If you are not comfortable in your own skin, tango will either get you comfortable or make you acutely aware that Tango is not for you.

I am comfortable and uncomfortable in my body.  I am drawn to the passion and sensualness of Tango. I am a sensual and sexual woman.  I am also very aware of the shame I carry in carrying excess weight.  That is my paradox.  Tango ignores weight, size, height.  I do not.

You must answer your life's questions out loud  before you Tango.  You will get answers as you move.  You have to listen and you have to be willing to hear your body. 

There is no talking in Tango.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

LEAD OUT LOUD...

I needed some inspiration today...more than the usual dose I require each day to press on.  I thought this was just the thing I needed.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

NEW VENTURES....

I HAVE A NEW PASSION!  I have been working on this concept for quite sometime and thought right now is the time to birth it! It has it's own website Eat. Drink. Divorce  twitter profile: Eat Drink Divorce   Facebook: Eat Drink Divorce.

It is my hope that you visit my new site periodically and let me know what you think.  I have big plans for it and I am excited beyond belief! Feel free to follow that blog, catch me on twitter and facebook.  Thank you for the love and support you have shown me here.  Oh I will still be here...my life is in CONSTANT transition!




Divorce is perhaps one of the most stressful, chaotic, painful events in someone's life. It is easy to stop enjoying life's pleasures in the face of uncertainty. I am saying to you, nourish the body to nourish the soul.

Eat Well NOW!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

THE COMMITMENT CONVERSATION FOLLOW-UP & MUCH GRATITUDE TO THE WISE COUNCIL OF COMMENTS

It was tough. Rocky. Explosive. We straddled the weekend with the questions looming. It seemed like a losing fucking battle. I retreated, he retreated.  We declared love, we declared going our separate ways.

There was anger, resentment, disrespect and mean-ness--I am owning this as my contributions to the mess.  He was stoic, tired, pleading, tough, un-yielding.  The towel was thrown down, we climbed out of the ring. We slept in different beds. We barely spoke to one another. We started to let go, walk away.

Somehow all that we have meant to each just couldn't be thrown away.  Not without trying harder.  We appealed to our shared heritage and legacy.  We evoked the spirits of our dearly departed mothers. Why can't we get past this hurdle of miscommunication. He said: "do you really believe I would lead you into harm's way" I said: " I love you and trust you with the lives of my children" He said: "then you have to trust me with your heart as I am prepared to trust you with my heart and soul"  We thrashed about some more.  It seemed doomed.  I was prepared for doom.  I was so ready for the end that I think I was willing it.  and that's when the light bulb moment happened!

I caught myself preparing for the worse, rather than preparing for the best.  I was resigned to walk away instead of walking forward into his arms.  This was me, quitting...like so many time before.  For no good reason other than FEAR.

I have had wealth, awards, accolades upon accolades. I've made big money.  I've dined in the fanciest of fancy restaurants.  I drank champagne with some of the finest folks in the world.  I've laughed and danced all over the world.  I have fallen from on high, burned bridges, shamed folks, disappointed folks.  I have nothing except the belief that I am worthy of lasting love. He see me.  He seeS past the weight, the awards, the degrees, the shame, the past, the future.  He is my right now.  He speaks to me in words that only God has heard me utter.  I love him because he is fine.  He is honorable.  He is frail and strong.  He is wise and tortured. The world does not hold for him the same brightness as it does for me.  He is not stimulated by the pretty things and pretty people.  He grounds me.  He is Wendy to my Peter Pan. For me, content of character weighs more than any degree than can be hung on the wall.  Fidelity and faithfulness means more to me than running with my home girls (still looking for good men).  Money and the ways in which we make it, is a tool, not a defining quality.

I am answering the often asked question: Who are you? What do you want?  The answer is in living with and loving this man as well as I love my own life.

THANK YOU BIG MARK 243, MOANERPLICITY, RICH FITZGERALD, KAY C THE QUIET STORM. Your wise council/comments were some of the most moving I've ever gotten on this blog.  I can't begin to tell you what reading your comments over and over did for my heart & soul.