Thursday, May 27, 2010

THE COMMITMENT CONVERSATION

Commit: To give in trust or charge; consign.
To pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.)

We are having the Commitment Talk tomorrow.  We are going to sit and talk openly and honestly about a future together or go our separate ways.  We are going to bare ourselves and pledge love one way or the other. We are going to seriously explore moving toward marriage. It will be a very serious discussion about who we are and what we want, require, need and want from each other.

It is time to exhale.  It is time to decide to go or stay. We already know love exists.  We already know that when we kiss and lay together the world stops and races to meet our passion.  What we are committing to is the going the distance.  To staying rooted even when the wolves come howling.  Forsaking all others for the sake of each other and this family we are strengthening.

He asks: "Do you Trust me?" "Respect Me?" and "Why do you want me for your Man?" He states: "I don't have the same education as you". "I don't make anywhere near the kind of money you do."  "I live simply" "Are you serious"

I am standing at a pivotal point in my life.  Love has come round.  Love that I have asked for, hoped for, tried to get rid of.  Whatever fears I have used as an excuse, obstacle and wedge to keep me from being in love are put away. I am stepping into this love.  I am surrending my mess. 

I am ready for the conversation to commit.

Monday, May 24, 2010

TANGO SUEÑO...TANGO LESSON:START AGAIN OR HOW TO LIVE IN PARTNERSHIP

Tango starts and begins as you feel the passion.  It calls you.  Once you start there is no end. You have to be willing to give up your notion of control and power.  There is no way to Tango if you think you have control.  You must yield to your partner.  You must go where they lead. You must surrender.  I am a modern thinking woman. The idea of surrendering is at best difficult...almost near impossible. 

Yet I have danced the Tango.  It does not care about my philosophical views, hang-ups, politics, feminist stance.  You have to surrender and allow your partner to lead, guide and direct.  Why? Why dance this dance that requires so much of giving up your control as a woman?  Because the passion is the fuel of life.  Because I am learning who I am.  I am learning that partnership is vital and necessary.  I was not meant to live alone. Tango is my metaphor for my life right now.  Learn to live in partnership!  Learn TO LIVE IN PARTNERSHIP BUT NOT IN STRUGGLE. Tango is about moving as one, with grace and rhythm and passion. This is what I want in my life. So I am going back to Tango. To learn. To accept passion. To love.

Here is my teacher dancing the Argentine Tango.  See what I mean...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION: I CAN WRITE THE STORY I WANT!

I am responsible for my happiness and unhappiness.  I can mope around with fear, sadness and self loathing, or I can count my blessings, chase the day and smile.  I no longer want to go on and on about how I was wronged, abandoned and divorced by my then husband.  The story is OVER!  I am writing a new story of connecting and co-parenting with him.  He is getting married next month.  He is excited and happy.  I am truly excited and happy for him.  I have released that story of the wronged wife. I am crafting a new chapter filled with love, laughter and real joy!

I am a convicted felon. I committed a white-collar crime in 2003. I was sentenced in 2007.  I served time for it in a federal prison camp, spent 5 months home confinement with an ankle bracelet and 3 years of supervised release which will be completed in a few short months. I am done telling this story as if it happened yesterday.  I am done holding the shame of this past mistake. I am moving on.  I am writing a new chapter in this book of my life. I have served my time.  I have paid a very high price and nearly lost everything of value to me.  I am done telling this story as if that's all there is to who I am.

I am tired of thinking about this weight.  I am tired of measuring my happiness based on the number staring back at me from the scale. Fuck that scale. I am done with putting off happiness until I get to a size whatever. I am done saying "when I loss the weight I will".  I will do what I want to do right now in this weight with this body. I am closing this chapter of body shame and writing a new one on body love as is!

I am moving in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION. I have spent enough time wallowing in my pain, pity and shame long enough.  I have put my time in.  I am ready to do things differently.  To charge forward with a renewed sense of possibilities.  I am cutting my ties to wallowing in those stories.  I will get married again.  The ex can't have that kind of power over me.  I refuse to be tied to a story about how that marriage ended and to allow it to be the blueprint for the rest of my life. NO.  I am going to build a brand and business that suites me, being a felon will not stop me from making a living. NO.  This weight is not all that makes me, ME. NO. 

I am Amazing. Wonderful. Talented. Brilliant. Beautiful. Smart. Charming. Lovable. Lovely. Funny. Caring. Considerate. Happy. Peaceful. Silly. Sexy. Intelligent. Witty. Sassy. Gracious. Kind. Generous.  This is my new story as I move in an entirely new direction, one that I want to write.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

THANKS OPRAH FOR AN ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION (E.N.D).

It's been a long time since I sat and watched the fabulous Oprah. I have her shows tivoed and I go through and delete the ones I am not interested in and save the ones I may get round to watching.  Well yesterday twitter was all a buzz about this particular show on No More Dieting.  Oprah's guest was author Geneen Roth who wrote this book called WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. ( I raced to Barnes & Noble this morning) anyway the show moved me to an epiphany about my struggles with weight and food. It got me to begin thinking about this from a different place. So I am going to give up dieting and read this book a couple of times and let its words wash over me.  I am exhausted with this dieting mess.  I am exhausted striving for some ideal size.  This is not a new thought process for me.  I have moments of great clarity and then I will get sucked into this ridiculous diet ride because someone will say something to trigger my feelings about it, and off I go chasing some new diet plan. UUghhh.

I want to fall in love...real love. The first steps is falling in love with me.  So I am stopping all the madness. I am ending the hatred.  Oh yes, I know, I blogged this before and time and time again I buy that ticket and ride that diet ride over and over.  Well for the time being I am getting off and moving in an entirely new direction.

I know that I am on the right path. I can feel it.  Since I've been blogging I can see my evolution.  I have grown and overcome a great deal and that means something in the universe.  There are more blessings to be had. More joy to experience and  more love to be made.  I am opening myself up to moving in an entirely new direction.

Thanks Oprah.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

E.N.D.= ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION: STEPPING INTO MORE OF MYSELF

I can feel the shift in how I am beginning to feel and see about my life.  I am stepping into more of myself than ever before. It is Day 8 of this changing of my mind.  I have worked out for 8 days straight.  I have spoken lovely to everyone most of the time (smile) and I am quick to get past negative thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere. Most of the time though, the negative talk shows up when I get an idea in my head to do a particular thing.  BAM! the negative talk starts with needling and then whining and then fear.  It is not satisfied until you give up that competing interest and do nothing.  Somehow I am learning to turn it all off.  I am growing and I love it!

Oh I am so far away from where I think nirvana is for me.  I am also less fearful these days.  I have the same woes, but I am looking at them differently or better still I am handling things differently.  I am more protecting of my spirit...I am learning to protect my spirit. I have no idea where I am going specifically.

I mean I have dreams and hopes and wishes.  I am working on projects that I am excited about.  This new found excitement is the result of E.N.D.= ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION.   It is a new direction that I can create based on what I need at this time in my life.  It's not about what anyone suggests for me, but clearly about what I need in my life right now.  So I am exploring this new path. 

Sunday, May 9, 2010

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

One of my favorite songs...The Mama Song by Boys II Men.  It is beautiful and bittersweet.  I can't let this day pass without listening to it.  My Mom passed on a decade ago and it still feels recent. This is not about sadness, it is about remembrance and celebration.  Happy Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

E.N.D.: MONEY

I have been up since 4:00 am this morning. Worrying. Worrying. Worrying.  I thought I had given up worrying.  I mean I am on this path to becoming more of who I am supposed to be right?  Well here's the deal... I gotta do a lot of things differently and I gotta do them consistently.  I gotta give up some old behaviours that have never served me to begin with! 

I gotta make some deliberate fast and uncompromising decisions on my financial health. I have got to do more with a lot less.  I have got to give up this sense of entitlement to things.  I am not saving myself by making excuses about how mindless I am being with my money.  In my mind I still feel some entitlement to having nice things, to eating out, to buying stuff on a whim. I DON'T GOT IT LIKE THAT! And yet its like a drug.  I want to FEEL LIKE I am in a position to treat myself, my kids, my friends and the real reality is I cannot.  I am fooling myself.  I am deluding myself.  I am not being honest about my money and how its being spent.  I am broke.  I am however not broken.  My financial health needs my immediate attention.  I thought I was giving it that, but in reality I was just putting a band-aid on a heart attack.  I am bankrupt...seriously.

I have to summon all my inner strength to deal with this.  I am masterful at juggling all the bills being paid, but that's not living abundantly...that is surviving.  I want to live within my means.  I want to live with a sense of peace.  I cannot go back to being up in the middle of the night worrying because my bank account is overdrawn and I got $50 in my wallet and I still have other financial commitments. Damn.

Moving in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION (E.N.D.) CALLS ME TO CHANGE! My financial health has to be a priority. I 've got some truth telling to do and then some actions steps to take.  Believe me I have a ton of financial/wealth building/Sister Get Your Money Right books.  Now is the time to sit and read and and really step into the discipline needed to change my financial present and future.

I am going to create the life of my dreams. The E.N.D. is now!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

E. N. D.

ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION...

That's where I am headed.  I am pulling out all the stops to live the life of my dreams.  I am loving the man I am with.  I am finding joy in the ordinary moments in the day.  I have been thinking long and hard about my life.  Rereading this blog, journals and other places that I have waxed poetic.  I have realized that I have all that I need to move forward.  I have enough heart and mind to choose love, life and the pursuit of happiness!

For the next 21 days I am committing myself to a path of deliberate positive thoughts and outer action.  I am simply going to put my mind on my goals and move and act on them without regard to lack of anything...money...time...energy and any other untruths that I have held onto too tightly.  I am going to take deep breaths and respond to the world with love.  There is no magic here.  Just a willingness to live a different way.  To truly have more joy and love and peace in my life.

For the first time I am going to be deliberate in my thoughts and actions.  I am going to hold fast to positive living and loving.  I am going to immerse myself in all the books and motivational words and cds that I have and I am going to apply them to this life without fear and uncertainty.

The only way to get to the life I want and need is to move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Usually I have a blog theme for my birthday... one year it was a virtual party with original poetry from my blog family. The poetry was crafted with such care and love that I was totally overwhelmed.  The next year it was songs... Happy Birthday Lovebabz 09  I 've had some amazing birthdays!  And I am sooo not done YET!  But this year I am turning my birthday attention in new directions which I will share tomorrow. 

I love getting older.  I love the woman I am becoming.  I love the course that I am charting (I have no idea exactly where I am going) but I know in God's care any and all things are possible.  So perhaps my theme will be asking for your best prayers on my behalf.  If you know a prayer or have a prayer or can make up a prayer share it here with me!

Thank you for supporting me and this blog over the last several years!  I'll post birthday pictures later!

LOVE TO YOU!