Saturday, March 27, 2010

INSIDE LOVE BABZ'S HEAD WITH A PHOTO OF MY HEAD



I was checking out one of my favorite Sister bloggers Laurie of Not Just About Cancer where she had this post up. I decided I wanted to post on this too! So here goes!



Saying "NO" to:

People wasting my time

Doing shit that I don't want to do in the first place

A life without real partnership love

Doubt

Worry

Fear


Saying "YES" to:

Love

More LOVE

Good Food

Fine Wine

Amazing Sex

Fun

Living the best life possible by my own design


Giddy About:

Stepping out on faith to launch new projects

Listening to my kids talk to me about their day

Working out EVERYDAY!


Scared Of:

Running out of time

Wasting time

Being stuck on stupid


Deeply Inspired By:

People who work hard and still find love and laughter

My friends who are dreaming big

My Sister Lo

People who do not make excusses about why they aren't doing something


Obsessed With:

Vegan lucious desserts

Writing

Dreaming about my life

Working out EVERYDAY!


In Love With:

High thread count egyptian cotton sheets

Fine wine with a grand but simple meal

My kids sleeping peacefully

The wee hours before daybreak

Daybreak


Haunted By:

May not find that Love Supreme partner

NOT Working Out Everyday!


Saved By:

My 4 beautiful children

God's good and kind grace

Reading

Writing

Thinking

Music


And You?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

ALREADY GONE...

Kelly Clarkson knows how to belt out a strong song! And baby this one has my vibe all over it!



Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY: THE LAST 3 DAYS...

I decided to get up every morning at 4:30am to work out. That's it. No excuses. I set my iPhone to alarm with the sound of harps to peacefully wake me. There is no magic potions. No magic exercises. No magic fairy who will come and wave a magic wand and Abra Ka-dabra I am thin and fit. There is only me, my mindset and sweat. I have decided.

Yes, I have decided many many many times before and I've failed, quit, whined, made excuses, felt sorry, and stayed in this body unhappily. I have stopped looking in mirrors, bought bigger sizes. I stopped looking at myself. I tried to live my life without ever seeing myself. How foolish and sad.

No one has the right answer for how to do this except me. I am designing a plan as I go along. It starts with getting up at 4:30am and sweating. It requires drinking water. Eating sensibly without deprivation and starvation. It requires me to look at myself EVERYDAY! I do believe I love who I am and I need to act accordingly. There is no waiting for this weight to change, move or go away before I live a fabulous life. I am living a fabulous life right now in this size. No one can or will make me feel less than. I will not allow it.

The last 3 days have been amazing. I have gotten up without talking myself out of getting up. When the iPhone alarms it says: GET UP GET MOVING! as the harps play. I am going to write a motivational saying on my bathroom mirror. I am going to be my biggest motivator, cheerleader and FAN!

Monday, March 22, 2010

MONDAY MOJO

I can keep talking or I can shut up and get moving. I can whine about this or that or I can take the necessary steps to change things. I can change the smallest of the small or the biggest of the big thing. I can do that. I can keep telling the same old tired story of my life or I can write new chapters in my book of life. I can stay in unfulfilled relationships, keep having the same old tired relationship conversations or I can break free and seek what my heart truly desires.

I am not in the mood to keep the struggle going. I am not in the mood for other people's struggles either. I am done with all the excuses I have for not climbing mountains, for not getting off the couch, for not being FABULOUS! TODAY I AM FEELING BOLD! Today I can feel my greatness emerging. I like this clarity and excitement. I like thinking in this way.

I got up this morning at 4:30 am. I worked out. Made a power smoothie, made breakfast for the kids, and brewed a cup of tea. I am feeling my MOJO today...and all I got is TODAY!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

RACHEL SARA IS GETTING MARRIED!




My West Coast Sister-friend and Badd-Ass Single Mom Blogger Rachel Sara is JUMPIN' DA BROOM! I am a huge fan of her blogs Singlemommyhood.com and Single Mom Seeking... she wrote a book aptly named Single Mom Seeking which I just love! She talks about her life as a single mom maneuvering the dating waters. She sent me a bag full of condoms when I was ready to have sex 2 years post my separation and divorce. I was grateful! And I got to use them! LOL! Mr. Lucky Guy found her and is making her his life partner with a ring and all!

CHEERS TO YOU MY SISTER-FRIEND! YOU KNOW I AM GOING TO HOST A VIRTUAL RECEPTION ON THIS BLOG ON YOUR MAGICAL DAY! YOU INSPIRE ME!

Monday, March 15, 2010

DONE. NOW ONTO MY NEW REALITY!

Here's another light bulb moment: I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO CONCERN MYSELF WITH! Trying to stay in a poor relationship can't be my focus every minute of the day. I have other loves that require...NEED my attention! And you know what? I am going to give it to them!

I am getting up from the relationship table. I am full. I have had enough.

I am going to turn my attention to my dreams, wishes and new reality! I am going to create my new reality! I am going to create the life of my dreams. I will not say that I wasted time. I did what I was supposed to do...I learned some new things about myself. Now its time to turn my attention to the pursuit of happiness! Happiness that is not dependent on someone. I have already started building and crafting and designing my reality and it does not include bullshit, or bullshitters. So pardon me as I no longer give anymore space, thought, discernment on a particular relationship. It's done, we're done. Time to get out of the poppy fields and step into my new reality.

I know who I am! and I know what I want!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A GROWN WOMAN'S SATURDAY...

There is something absolutely divine about rainy Saturdays. Glass of good wine in hand, full tummy thanks to a lavish lunch prepared by my lovely hands. I am feeling very Grown Woman. I am wearing my curly wig (men adore this look) and a great figure hugging shirt and yoga pants. Not looking frumpy...a hint of sexiness. LOL! Listening to Lizz Wright, Chaka Khan, Norah Jones, Dana Owens (Queen Latifah) and Sade. Yes it is a moody day that calls for moody music with heavy jazz overtones.

We had a huge fight. SIGH.

So I am feeling very Grown Woman. The way may not always be clear but I am sure of my steps. I am not stupid. Made some stupid choices, stupid decisions, loved some stupid men, however I remain strong, confident and self possessed...meaning I know who I am in this moment. I have a vision of how I want to live going forward. I am fine tuning it and tweaking it. It will be my new reality for sure.

Love is not a cage. All living things deserve to be free. Even if it means leaving for good.

The rain is beautiful. Makes the day all gray and brooding. Very sexy indeed. So I sit and sip wine, eating foccacia with olive oil, kamata olives, and bruschetta. I am feeling very extravagant.

I needed this day; to cook, to fight, to dream, to realize I am the master of my fates.

Friday, March 12, 2010

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: BE. IN LOVE. MY CHOICE.

I am going to BE in love. That's it.

He said, "We ought to be able to bring peace to each other" That was my light bulb moment. I can choose to see his point of view. I can choose to be open to exploring his principles about how to live in harmony and peace. I want peace. love. joy. friendship. love.

We've been at odds with how to move forward. Lots of miscommunication and hurt feelings and endings. Lots of endings. And yet we are drawn to each other. We come back around and start again. There is much left unspoken. We are both masters at self preservation. We both want to explore this love that has been growing between us since we were kids. Can we leave this alone and walk away? We are choosing to stay and make right what has been wrong.

I am choosing to BE. in love. I am putting down my sword. I am leaving the battlefield and I am going to try peace. I am going to look for the right, good, and divine in our interactions. I am going to be in love....for my own sake. I am going to create the love and life I want. I am going to hold his hand and listen to him. I am going to respect his feelings and his heart. I am going to love this man. I am going to let him teach me...guide me...protect me...love me.

The love story continues...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

LELAH HATHAWAY W/JOE SAMPLE...WHEN YOUR LIFE WAS LOW

This is one of the most amazing songs ever! I love it. I only heard it for the first time today. It is a haunting, sombering song and OH YEAH Joe Sample too! GOSH this is LUSH!



Always remember my friend,
the world will change again.
And you may have to come back
through everywhere you've been.

When your life was low,
you had nowhere to go.
People turned their backs on you,
and everybody said that you were through.

I took you in, made you strong again
put you back together.
Out of all the dreams you left along the way,
you left me shining.

Now you're doing well
from stories I hear tell.
You own the world again.
Everyone's your friend.

Although I never hear from you,
still it's nice to know
you used to love me so,
when your life was low.

I took you in. I made you strong again.
I put you back together.
Out of all the dreams you left along the way,
you left me shining

Now you're doing well
from stories I hear tell.
You own the world again.
Everyone's your friend.

Although I never hear from you,
still it's nice to know
you used to love me so,
you used to love me so,
when your life was low.

But always remember my friend,
the world will change again.
And you may have to come back
through everywhere you've been.
The world will change again.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

INWARD...

I am feeling very introspective today. Where am I?

I am having that free-falling backwards feeling. I can't seem to get my bearings. I can't seem to stand on firm ground in my life. I am anxious and argumentative. I am short tempered and I am uneasy. Tired. Very tired of being underneath struggle. I've been at war too long and I am ready to come in from the raging storms. I've been in battle for too long. I am losing my ability to feel soft. I am losing my ability to see love. I am becoming distrustful of my own thoughts and feelings.

There is too much noise in my life from all directions. I am constantly being talked at. I am losing my ability to elevate my mind from the chaos of my life. I am tired of being told what to do about the most mundane of things. I don't give a shit about dishes in the sink. Not today!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT? WHO THE HELL DO I WANT TO BE?

God I wish someone would be kind to me. Take care of me. Make everything alright for me... just for today. I want someone to mind the children while I nap. Make the lemon water without asking me first. I want someone to love that I am quiet and brooding and not constantly asking me what's on my mind! I want someone to crawl in bed with me and just start fucking me... without a whole lot of conversation. CAN I HAVE THAT! PLEASE!

Who am I really? and what do I want? what matters to me? and how can I keep moving forward with grace? What would a better Me look like? And could someone just come and love this Me? AS Is? Do I love this ME as is?

Inward once again for the true answers. Maybe I've relied too much on the external. Maybe.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

TEA, COZY FIRE AND UNSPOKEN EXPECTATIONS....

"THIS IS MY DREAM. I MAKE THE PATH"
Alice, In Wonderland 2010.


One can never lose sight of the fact that life is whatever you make it to be. How I am living is not how I wish to be living. How I am loving is not how I wish to be loving. I must change this...immediately.

I do not have to sit at the table of love and beg for scraps. I will not tolerate love being dangled before me like I am some mammal at sea world doing tricks for treats. No. I am clear. This is not the love I want for my life. And one would have me to believe that if only I had more whatever, then I would be his for always. What bullshit. And pity on me for even thinking I could slip into someone Else's fantasy of a relationship. I am not judging anyone for the choices in their life. I can only look to my own life and review my past, present and future. "Look at the evidence that your actions are producing" yes, let's look at my actions and my dearest let's look at yours. It cuts both ways.

I am not naive enough to think that we can be happy 24/7...there are days when the world will not be a kind place. I have known isolation, public embarrassment and loss. As a matter of fact I am still losing. But at the end of the day. What sustains me and fuels me is my zest for life, and the fact that I am a seeker of love and enlightenment. I shall not be moved.

I am rediscovering my fondness for tea. I am sitting by the fire gazing at the flames thinking about my life and my children and what adventures await me. There is love out there....as there is love inside of me. It doesn't matter what my trials and tribulations are, I am a woman for love.

So this loveship is coming to a close. I have fought hard for this love. He does not believe I have and of course that saddens me. But it is one more acknowledgement of how we both have come to this love with so many unrecognized and unspoken expectations. I wanted one thing and he needs another and we can't seem to get in the same park. We just keeping hitting foul balls.

I am enjoying this tea, its warmth and richness in flavor...Rooibus tea..of course its fair trade. It is calming and soothing. The white birch wood in the fireplace smells wonderful. I am feeling very calm. I am feeling like Alice... I make the path.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

MY HOUSE, MY MAN, ALLOWING LOVE TO LOVE ME

I may loose this house. I don't want to. But It may be the best thing to do in this long long struggle. These past years have been all about losing, letting go, serving time, getting back on track. The last couple of days I fell into a funk of fear, uncertainty and self-pity. I couldn't catch my breath. I was feeling alone and overwhelmed. How can I live with losing so much? But here's the truth, I haven't lost anything of value that I can't get back. Seriously, when I began to count my blessings in direct opposition to self-pity, self-pity seems almost ridiculous. Yes I love this house, but really what does that mean? I can live in another lovely house...one that I rent rather than own. And why am so quick to fall back into sadness and uncertainty at the first sign of potential trouble. I've come far, that's gotta count for something in my mind. I will work this out and I will do it with a sense of gratitude for this life and not from a place of "why me".

So here stands this beautiful elegant man, with his own challenges in the world. Wounds that are healing, past indiscretions that may haunt him. What I find amazing about him is his belief that he controls his feelings, his mind, his thoughts. He is a teacher. He is a guardian angel who keeps coming at me no matter what I do to send him away. I don't like the way I look in his mirror. I don't like my reflection at all. It is disturbing. Disturbing, meaning there are truths that I am still unwilling to step into. All this stuff is all connected. Everything in my life is connected to every decisions ever made...good and bad. I created this reality. This is my lesson to fully step into the fact that I create this reality in God's care. I am feeling my way tenderly back to myself. I already proved I am strong. I have already weathered big storms. Now I got to allow myself to be loved.

Allowing myself to be loved is the last frontier for me. I have seen a glimpse of being loved. The kindness,the connectedness and safety I crave, need, want. He brings it and it is comforting and unsettling all at once. Whatever lies ahead and much of it I can design for my best interest will not kill me or hurt me. It will be a closing of one chapter and the opening of another.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: CHEERING MYSELF ON!

Once I get out of my funky-ness and pick my chin up off the ground I am my own best cheerleader. I have learned over the course of my life that whatever motivation I need it has to resonate from inside. I love stories from inspiring people. I love words to adopt as my mantras. At the end of the day I have to make the move to rise above
adversity...crisis...challenges...broken heart...sadness...lonliness...aloneness...anger...

Some days rising above is hard, near impossible. And then I realize I have all the tools I need to get up and shine! I have a faith that continues to deliver. GOD is with me, whom shall I fear? I am a mother, that alone makes me fearless. I have a tight circle of friends who remind me of who I am. I have myself, my heart, my mind, my desire to love. It is my desire to love that propels me forward. The love that I want isn't unattainable or out of reach. There are moments that I am distracted and lose sight of love all around. My weary blues are examples of taking my eyes off the prize and forgetting who's child I am. I am a child of God. Deserving of love unconditionally.

I need my circle of friends. I need the love of the people who fuel me daily. I am a woman made for love. That is my greatest motivation. I am cheering myself on this day. I summoning all my strength to face the winds of challenge and change.