Saturday, February 27, 2010

MY WEARY BLUES...

I am beyond flawed. I remain afraid of a great many things. I worry. I wring my hands. I don't sleep sometimes.

I am uneasy in my skin...bones...mind. I am alone. I am always alone. I feel my aloneness acutely. I am subtly self destructing. Grasping for any glimmer of hope that all shall be well. That is the knot that I tie to hang onto. I have been hanging on forever. There is a weariness to my life. It hovers just on the periphery. I am good at staying steps ahead. But of late I am losing or seemingly losing my ability to stay ahead of my weariness.

I can't seem to articulate my mood. It washes over me like a fine mist, almost unnoticeable. I go to bed tired. I wake up tired. Always alone. Is it the aloneness haunting me? Or some other deeply rooted monster looking for a place at the table of my big life?

I soldier on. Things have to get done, dishes, laundry, children fed and shuttled here and there. My dreams come in spurts like some long told fairy tale that has lost a great deal of its grandeur and now seems like a ridiculous allegory tale of woe.

I am sighing often.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I AM A SOLDIER OF LOVE...

Love this song. Love the statement that is makes.



I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside (oh!)
I've been left behind (oh!)
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound
(oooh oohhh)

I know that love will come (that love will come)
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love (soldier of love)
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I am lost
But I don't doubt (oh!)
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
I know that love will come
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love
I'm a soldier

Still waiting for love to come
Turn it all around
(4x)

I'm a soldier of love
I'm a soldier

Still waiting for love to come
Turn it all around
(3x)

Still waiting for love to come

Sunday, February 21, 2010

SPA. SISTERSHIP. JOY.

Yesterday I spent the entire day at the spa with 3 women. One I've known for many years the other two I just met. Truly just met, The Good Witch (her name is the same as the Character from the Wizard of Oz) from the East in The Financial Mama's office (she does my taxes---she coordinates the spa days) and Sister-Atty who I met as we were putting our things in the car for the ride to the spa. WOW!

You know I am a big believer in what is needed always comes. God has always had a very unique way of talking to me. Sometimes its a burning bush..by way of a crisis of some sort to get my full attention, but most often he speaks lovingly through angels. Angels that gently whisper God's blessing to me, reminding that I am on the right path. Saturday I was in the presence of 3 angels that I know had a direct message from God for my ears and spirit. The day was easy, and profound. I got to enjoy the gifts of fellowship with Sisters in way that I hadn't done in a long time. It was the making of a beautiful connection. I was supposed to be with those women on that day. We laughed, we talked, we spoke seriously, we goofed, we shopped, we ate fine food, we sat by the pool and rested.

We rested. Not a deep rest, but a catch-your-breath kind of day, where there was no pressure to rush anyone, shuttle anyone or be anywhere except in a robe and slippers.

This is the beginning of a lasting sistership! SPA DIVAS UNITE!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

IT'S TOO LATE BABY...WE REALLY DID TRY TO MAKE IT

Most times a great song captures everything you want to say but can't quite pull it all together. Well Carol King says just what's happening....



Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we just stopped trying

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide and I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too
Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you

But it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: START STOP ON OFF ON... AGAIN

There are some amazing self-help books out there. I've read so many I am dizzy. Well worth it. I've absorbed a lot. I had many an ah-ha moment with a lot of them. I've seen myself in more books than I care to tell. But now is the time to put away the books and live my truth. Love my way through my life.

After awhile the books become a crutch...one more will give me the answer...the next one will be the THE ONE... answers all my prayers, transforms all my flaws and wipe away all my fears...or at least tell me how! Same thing with Sister-friends, calling them and talking about my man, my fears, my shit. It all has to cease. I have to step into my love with the tools and heart I have. There is no trying, only DOING!

If I want love than I have to say that clearly and honestly and openly. Without games, reservations, fear and bullshit. I gotta bring my worth and strength to the table. I gotta give in order to receive. No more of I need you to Love me first...more...better. I gotta take the chance on love and be more than willing to be let him in. He is not my enemy. He has not come to do me harm. I know what that looks like. I know bad men when I see them. He is certainly not one of them. He speaks truth to power. He does not lie...ever. He is clear about what he wants, needs and desires. He has asked very little of me. He adores me.

I stare at him. He is beautiful and graceful. He looks at me deeply and holds my gaze. He is penetrating this exterior wall...I am working from the inside out. I love him.

Loving him means loving me first and sharing who I am. Not giving up myself. But working to make myself better...not for him but inspired by him. I am listening with my heart for a change. Tuning out the hum of fear.

We start. Stop. We're on. Off. Again, we embrace this love. Doing our best to nurture and protect this love.

...the love story continues.

Always asking the questions: WHO AM I? WHAT DO I WANT?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

This is one of the sexiest poems EVER delivered on screen! From the movie Love Jones with Larenz Tate and Nia Long.



Love Jones soundtrack lyrics -- Brother To The Night (A Blues For Nina) Darius' Poem .. Larenz Tate

Brother Ed
Word
Alright this is uh, a little somethin I been workin on
It's new
I call it uh, "A Blues For Nina"

Say baby, can I be your slave
I've got to admit girl, you're the shit girl
And I'm diggin' you like a grave
Now do they call you daughter to the spinnin post, or
Or maybe Queen of 2,000 moons
Sister to the distant, yet risin' star
Is your name Yimmy-Ya
Oh hell nah, it's got to be Oshun
Ooo, is that a smile me put on your face child
Wide as a field of Jasmine and Glover
Talk that talk honey, walk that walk money
Hound legs that'll spank Jehovah
Shit, who am I?
It's not important
But they call me Brother to the Night
And right now
I'm the blues in your left thigh
Tryin to become the funk in your right

Who am I?
I'll be whoever you say
But right now, I'm the sight raped hunter
Blindly pursuing you as my prey
And I just wanna give you injections, of sublime erections
And get you to dance to my rhythm
Make you dream archaetypes, of black angels in flight
Upon wings, of distorted, contorted, metaphoric jism
Come on slim
Fuck yo' man, I ain't worried about him
It's you who I wanna step to my scene
Cause rather than deal with the fallacy
Of this dry ass reality
I rather dance and romance your sweet ass, in a wet dream
Who am I?
Well they all call me Brother to the Night
And right now, I'm the blues in your left thigh
Trying to become the funk in your right
Is that alright

Darius Lovehall

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

MY DEFINING MOMENT FOR LOVE

This is my defining moment in love.

A break through is at hand.

All my fears are racing to the surface. There is no more room in my heart, body and soul to house them any longer. I am being called out. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO CREATE THE LOVE SUPREME? WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO CREATE A LOVING, HARMONIOUS ENVIRONMENT? HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU RETREAT WHEN YOU ARE ASKED TO GIVE MORE OF YOURSELF IN LOVE? STAY AND FIGHT FOR US, FOR YOU, FOR LOVE!

I spent all of my life retreating, even when I was forging ahead I did so without allowing real connection to people, places or things. I hold people at arm's length. I'll let you in, but not all the way. And I will woo you with sex, witty conversation, and a big beautiful smile...those are my tools/armour/shields. I flee in anger at the first sign of challenge. SCALE THE CASTLE WALLS I SAY...and he does and still I retreat. I vehemently promise to do better, be more open, communicate and share. I lie. I've lied, I am lying.

Regardless if this man leaves. I still have these demons to slay. They are at the gate and will not go quietly. They want to take over and keep me rooted in fear...afraid to love...afraid to open up to anyone. Intimacy isn't solely about sexual encounters. It's baring one's soul, it is sharing your fears out loud, it is trusting what is in front of you is a gift.

I can send this man packing. I can ignore my fears, I can continue to pine for the fairy tale. But at the end of the day where am I? What am I willing to do on my own behalf for love? This isn't about breaking up or staying together. It is about clarity of my heart, soul and desires. It is about truth. A truth that I have long been running from. Truth that I have not fully embraced.

There is a lot of internal work that I must do. Oh I've done a lot of it already, but I am not out of the woods. He is my mirror. My reflection of what is and what can be. All I have to do is reach out and not look down. Love is right there. All I gotta do is extend myself. One foot in front of the other toward it. It doesn't matter if its a tightrope or high wire across the Grand Canyon. If I keep my eyes focused on love, the distance and height are of no matter.

Here I am out on a limb, bracing for a fall. Do I move forward where love awaits or do I turn back to where I think its safer? Do I give it my all, or do I quit?

Always asking the question WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

FALLEN BY LAUREN WOOD

This is one of my FAVORITE love songs from the movie Pretty Woman. I wanted a video with words scripted in. But you can find the scene from Pretty Woman that the song is from.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

WHAT AM I DOING? SERIOUSLY?

He is not the one.

I know this because I spend more time piecing my heart together than I do sharing my heart. He doesn't get me.

He doesn't understand me. He thinks if only I would CHANGE. He doesn't call it change (accept order, discipline, moderation). I would be more to his liking if I would CHANGE. He could love me fully if I would only CHANGE.

I am not against change. I am against this never-ending audition. I just can't keep dancing backwards in heels. Maybe this why I have given up the Tango. Maybe on some level I am tired of ill-matched expectations. I am tired of constant criticism masquerading as care and concern. I am not willing to settle for less than AMAZING! I want someone who just likes being with me as is. And is in line with allowing me to decide what a better me would be. I want someone who trusts that I can grow and blossom in my own right. I want someone who understands that I am always a work in progress...a woman in transition. I want someone who knows when to shut the fuck up.

All I know is this isn't what I want. This isn't what inspires me, or makes me feel safe, needed, or wanted. All I feel is inadequate...not enough...always wrong. Always begging for affection and closeness. Always having closeness dangled before me...If you do this... I will love you. If you adopt my changes than I will love you. I've jumped through enough hoops in my life and I am not good in a box. I live for the extraordinary that sometimes plays out as chaos. It's all good.

So what am I doing? Seriously? I want this to be something that it can't be. I hoped for the best. For a few moments it was the best. It was a love supreme. But forever simply means for as long as anything can last. So I am letting go. Pulling up. Getting off the train. Turning off the music. He is not the partner/companion/lover/husband for me.

So the parting of company is at hand. Another sweeping goodbye to a man I loved and hoped would love me.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

UNCERTAIN. SAD. AND TIRED.

I am at my breaking point. Carrying this life around is breaking me. I have too many fights on too many fronts. There isn't enough joy to go around. I am uneasy in my mind. One disappointment after another. I am tired of making lemonade...I've had too many of life's lemons.

So I am sitting here tears spilling. I am tired beyond words. I can feel the pain coursing through me. It is numbing. I can't think what to do next. Which way is forward? What happens when the optimist falls low? I am low. It has been a slow and steady descend. Try as I have done, I am still in the bottom of my life. I am alone. I am uncertain. Sad. Tired.

Perhaps this will pass. Perhaps a good night's rest will give me much needed perspective. Perhaps another book of wise words. Maybe talking to my Sister Lo. Or my sister-friend JB, or my bestest friend on the planet Ron. I have a treasure chest of lifelines. Are they tired of me as I am tired of myself? Perhaps this is hormonal. Perhaps this is about the weather. Perhaps its about the price of tea in China.

I am reminded of the Children's Defense Fund ...Dear Lord be good to me, the sea is so wide and my boat is so small.

There is a dangerous lowness to my heart and spirit this night. I am isolated in a way that I haven't been in a very long time. My physical voice is mute. I am writing purely from a place of survival and self preservation. I am grasping.

I am going to end here and rest my mind for a bit. Tomorrow will undoubtly be much better. I will sit and watch for the first light as it creeps through my neighborhood. I am always most hopeful at daybreak.

Monday, February 1, 2010

LOVE IS IN THE AIR: POETRY

I never realized it but February is one of my most favorite months. Black history month is celebrated! and Valentine's Day! I love love love Valentine's Day! So I am taking a bit of a break from my lamenting my life and will share my favorite love poems and songs/videos by Black people and anything else that speaks to LOVE!

Here is a poem from Haki Madbhubuti...whom I am wild for! LOL! Check him out at Third World Press.

LOVE GETS TOO MUCH CREDIT
UNTIL IT FINDS YOU

you don't find love, it finds you
not that love is hidden or unavailable
it's on its own mission searching for receptive souls.
love cannot be bought, sold or ordered with dinner,
cannot be charged on gold cards or revolving accounts,
cannot be bartered with food stamps, coupons or promises,
cannot be redeemed with cashier checks or money orders.
love is seasoned and concealed in fine fire,
delicate music and accessible secrets that are quilted
to the tone of distinctive voices wrapped in unconditions and
clear commitments
created for unique lovers who have matured
and are prepared to receive the most precious of stones
allowing love to tango its cultured language generously
and unencumbered into the essence of those
who are blessed.