Sunday, January 31, 2010

BUILDING A BONDING LOVE

I can feel myself sliding into a whining mode...why doesn't he make me happy. Why doesn't he see that I need?... Why can't he just indulge me? The reality is, I am acting like a witch. A spoiled witch. I want want want want, but what am I willing to give? What am I willing to do? I want love, but am I loving? Am I meeting his needs. I hear myself whining about what he's not doing, but what am I not doing? And who says just because I want things to go my way that they have to go my way?

I am lazy. I am undisciplined and I procrastinate A LOT! I get defensive, I storm out of conversations, I raise my voice. I cry and pout. And I absolutely don't like being told what to do.

What's he to do with me except stand his ground and continue to state his position about moving together in joining our lives. I am living too much in fear. I can't believe it, but I am. I am too selfish and not giving enough. I have not extended myself in ways that matter to him. I am distant and secretive about my thoughts and feelings.

WHO AM I? AND WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT?

I am sabotaging the very thing I said I want. I have asked for this love and I got it. I am behaving like a fool. I welcome love in and now I am acting like I am ready for it to leave. Who the hell does this? Can my fears really have that kind of hold and influence? And what the fuck am I so afraid of?

This self analysis isn't about him. Its about me and becoming and being the woman I want. I want to be gracious, loving, kind and generous. I want to be a woman who knows how to love a good man.

I do not have an eternity to ponder and discern my behaviour. God knows I have done enough of that. I have to get on with the business of loving. Loving myself and the Man God has put in front of me. I have got to LOVE. Love in action! No more thinking and whining about loving. I have to do the loving! I have to do the very thing I want done. If I want to be in love, then I need to act like it.

Checking myself. Don't know if what I do in the next hours will make a difference in this Man staying. But for my own sake I gotta grow. I have to become the woman of my dreams RIGHT NOW. Whatever fears I have I gotta send packing. I have to lay myself bare. I have to unlock the gate holding my soul. Talk to me he says...begging. I remain silent. That has to stop. In this moment that has to stop. There is no magic to talking. I just have to open my heart and speak.

Intimacy he wants. Intimacy I want. Not sex, not fucking until the sun comes up. But bonding. Closeness. Knowing in your deepest part of who you that the person laying with you is rooted to you. Sharing your life. That's what I want in my soul.

The way to happiness is to walk the path with confidence and vulnerability. You can't receive any gift with a closed fist. Surrendering to love is not giving up who you are. It means letting love RULE!

Here's to building a bonding love...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

LONELINESS...LATELY

I am lonely. It would be nice to have companionship. Someone who gets me, likes me, loves me. I am lonely. I have great friends, they cheer me often. My Sister Lo is the best, my touch stone. My sister-friend JB is a sage...a balm-in-Gilead soul. I am lonely. My best friend Ron is still my very best friend. And yet I am lonely.

I am in this UN-relationship with a friend who I grew up with. We are old lovers with a great deal of chemistry, passion and sexual interest. We have talked at great length about the possibility of marriage, partnership. We just can't seem to connect no matter how hard we try. He doesn't think I try hard enough and I find him too nagging. I am lonely. I own this loneliness of my own making. I had plans of getting out more and doing more. I am in this UN-relationship merry-go-round. There are days where we are at odds and days when we are close to true love. Maybe I want something that doesn't exist. Perhaps I've dreamed too much. Perhaps I am being childish in my expectations. Maybe my hopes and dreams are too grand. He thinks I ought to learn moderation in all things. I wonder if that means joy too. I wonder if you can have love in moderation?

So I am reading everything I can on Love relationships. Trying to discern my way with this thing. Trying to look at this thing from all sides.

He is clear in an unclear way about what he wants and needs. I don't fully understand what the hell he is talking about half the time. But some of it makes some sense. He is lovely with my children. And he lays with me with all the peace of heaven. I am not the kind of woman he needs. He may want me and may want me to become what he needs. I just know in the end, I will resent all the nagging to change. I will resent the constant disappointing conversations. I will resent him.

I don't mind the loneliness if I were alone. But to be in an UN-relationship and feel alone is too much to take.

So here I am undisciplined, over-weight, extreme in my indulgences of life's pleasures...I drink to much...I eat too much. I am without a doubt too much.

So he has announced(several times over the past several months) his possible departure. Because he "can't play house" with me. OK, I say. I gain some new insights and we talk and go along for awhile. And then he notices I am still the same... undisciplined, over-weight, extreme in my indulgences of life's pleasures...I drink too much...I eat too much. I am without a doubt too much.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY: AHH HA MOMENT

Here is my ahh ha moment: losing weight isn't solely about losing pounds of fat off my body. It is also about losing the weight of unrealized dreams. It is about disappointments and heartbreaks. Even in celebrating there is pain...the sense of not deserving anything, but constantly trying to run myself ragged to prove to myself that I am deserving of this LIFE! It is hard to get to the heart of that stuff when all you think is if only I could just lose the weight...then all will be well. But the truth is I can lose the weight...simply eat less, move more. There's no magic to that. The problem, er ah, the challenge, is in all the noise of my life that scream for my attention rendering my commitment to myself null and void. Or so that's how I behave. I allow all that other mess to carry me away from ME!

How do I give myself back to myself in a loving way? How can I be more loving to myself? How can I not set myself up for failure that only reinforces that little voice that says "see...I told you couldn't commit"? This is my charge to be louder in my life than that little voice. This is my personal struggle and journey. There is no personal trainer for my soul except me. There is support yes, but at the end of the day, I gotta believe more for myself than any friends, lover, or paid support does.

It begins with pushing myself to do. TO DO.

Monday, January 25, 2010

PERSONAL?

I am a woman for intuition. My feelings are part of my compass. I know and trust what I feel. I am suspect of anyone who suggests that "my feelings are not what I need to trust". That I must trust what is "right in a situation". That to me, is only part of using my inner compass. What is right resonates in my spirit, soul, heart and mind. I am not disconnected from my feelings. I am learning however to not take everything personal. But how can you not take things personal when someone is standing in your face saying "you don't", "your not" "why don't you" "you always seem" "Your thinking is" Isn't this personal?

So I am quieting my mind. There are decisions to make.

I am not so moved by any one's opinion of how I ought to live...not even a lover's. But I am willing to hear criticism that grows me and makes me stronger. I am capable of making decisions about my life and the lives of my children that may or may not garner approval from "them". When you go against what folks think you ought to do, then the criticism does become personal. You are not doing what someone wants you to do. I know that taking everything personally sets you up for a world of hurt. I must get better at not taking everything personally and not gloss over when I am hurt.

This requires more room for discernment and exploration of thought. I do know that my feet are planted on my path. I love this kooky life of mine and I am blessed by the cast of characters that come through it.

Friday, January 22, 2010

FAITH FORWARD: NOW IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY...

We are all guilty of putting off things we can do today until tomorrow. Love is included in that. We believe that if we wait until... we lose weight, get a better job, travel more, that we will be better suited and ready for love. Yes, we do need to have our mental health ducks in row. But beyond that, now is as good a time as any to be in love.

I swear the more I discern being in love, the more I am learning and understanding that what we crave and want is not another person, but a deeper connection to ourselves. Being quiet and still, allows for the Spirit to answer you as you sent up prayers. Prayers allow you to speak to spirit...GOD. Prayer and meditation are the divine conversations we have with God. We speak...pray to God and then we listen...meditation, God answers.

I love the connection between myself and my lover. That is truly divine. But that connection is not the be all end all, to and for love. Romantic love is just one part of the love dynamic. When we get hold of ourselves in love we are saying we are excited about our breath, we are excited about our lives. Love is about experiencing all that joy right now. Love cannot and should not be tied to a person solely. Yes I love a man, but if he goes away, my love for my life does not go with him. I am in love right now. I am choosing to be in love with myself, so that I can more fully love those around me. Now is a good time as any to LOVE!

Monday, January 11, 2010

READY OR NOT LOVE COMES CALLING

When do you know you are ready to be in a relationship with someone that will lead to commitment and marriage? How much of your baggage must you have already unpacked before you can happily join your luggage with someone else? Aren't we all in various states of dysfunction, heartbreak and moving on? I am not being cynical. I am not sure I will have exorcised all my demons by the time I say YES to someone in marriage again. I am not sure that all my angst will be wiped away, chased away or simply put to rest. I know all my fears will not be buried. I am a woman in transition. That means that on a daily basis I have to overcome something...a fear...an insecurity...an injustice real or imagined. Love, like parenting, doesn't require you to get it absolutely right. You have to be willing to go the distance. There is no striving for perfection. Only striving to be better people and to remain in love. Love only asks that you welcome it and share it.

I had thought that if I became a better me then and only then would I be ready for a loveship. I am already a better me today. Who knows what sort of person I'll be tomorrow. All I know today is that I am as good as it gets. That alone makes me smile. I think we create for ourselves these impossible standards that trap us and trip us up. I may not be ready or I might be at my absolute best. The only one who can say for sure is me.

What I am coming to realize is we are who we are right now. And what is in front of us at this moment is our gift...even if we don't recognize the gift. There is no better time to be in love, or in relationship. What is needed always comes. Make no mistake, I am not giving myself permission to do nothing. I have to work at this life everyday. It is I who must find and share the love. It is I who must celebrate my breath. The gifts that are before me, were meant for me in this moment.

I am more ready that I realize. Always asking the question: Who are you? and what do you want?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY

Everything good and bad going on in my life now and 20 years ago is reflected in my body. I am carrying every good time, every celebration, every happy event, everything wonderful. I am also carrying every heartache, every injustice, every abuse, every childhood wound, every lost opportunity, every fight, every-falling-out-with-someone, every annoyance, every depressed feeling(s), every fear.

I am tired of carrying all this weight...good and bad. It is time to break out and let go. Say goodbye to this weight. Seriously let this armor go. Put it away, lose it. I am tired of trying to cover this body, hiding it under tents, big shirts and swing jackets. I am tired of not looking at myself in the mirror for long periods of time. I look at my face, but only glance at the rest of me.

I want to push this body to see what it can do. I want to reverse the clock and stave off diabetes. I want to see a thinner, healthier me. I want to wear yoga pants and not have to wear a long sweeping shirt to my knees! I want to rock garters again! I am not happy with this body. I love myself and I love who I am and who I am becoming. But I am not in love with this weight. I am overweight. I have been in this place before of starting a plan to lose this weight. I have started before with motivation and enthusiasm. I have been here before. (My Last Year Being Fat)(My Last Year Being Fat 2009)

What is different now is I am truly excited about losing this weight. I need to own my worth and be diligent in putting myself first on my list. I thought perhaps I would create a new blog to capture my progress. But I think once a week here...on Losing Weight Wednesday will be just enough sharing and celebrating my progress. I got a goal and a plan and come May 2, 2010 (my birthday) I will have reached one of my weight-loss goals!

Every Wednesday I am going to share where I am in my plan, spiritually, emotionally and physically....cue up the music (ooops I gotta find some theme music!)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TRUTH

All that I can do is grow. Accept the fact that I was wrong, petty, small minded, arrogant, superior acting, mean-spirited and disrespectful. Then when that's all acknowledged MOVE FORWARD. Move forward with a better sense of who I want to be and who I know to be in love. Fear can show up in so many disguises that we won't recognize it for the devil that it is. We call them old habits. Mistakes of lovers pasts, old wounds that have not healed sufficiently.

We never fully surrender to anything because we don't trust anything...not even our own hearts and minds. We walk the world hoping that the next love affair will be different. How can it be if we are not? The love we make over and over will be the same drama played out in the arms of a different lover. UNTIL we get still and real with ourselves.

Truth is always there even when we are not. The truth is always there even if we turn a blind eye. The truth is always there. The truth is for me the lesson of learning to be vulnerable. To allow someone to not only love me, but love me enough to help, guide, direct and push me. We all have our weapons of mass distraction. Our ways to fend off intimacy and closeness. We have gotten good at killing off love affairs before the hard part sets in. We enjoy the honeymoon and get out before the reality of loving under daylight sets in.

I am understanding this now. Always asking the questions: Who Am I? and What Do I Want?
The Love Story continues...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO EXPLORE THIS LOVE

We are not done.

The love between us was created and nurtured before we were born. We have been friends for over 30 years. He is the prayer I have asked God for. I am the partner of his dreams. We are both afraid and tread cautiously. He is strong and unyielding. He is direct and tender. He is like no one I've ever known before.

Many of us have been foolish with our hearts. We are so free and easy with our bodies...touching skin with out a care. Real intimacy scares us. To talk with a beloved with full attention and tenderness is something most of us have never experienced. It is overwhelming because most of us (myself included) can talk so convincing about love but so unwilling to yield to love. My Beloved requires very little and I am quick to resist. My resistance is fear. My fear is rooted in bad habits and failed love affairs and a marriage ending in divorce. My Beloved is a Man. He knows my story, he bears witness to my flaws and shortcomings daily. He has tolerated my rudeness, and my haughtiness and my arrogance. I have been obstinate. Stubborn. Mean-spirited. And still he stays and loves me.

His issue with my blog isn't the blog, but my reluctance to share here and not with him. How can I whisper words of love in the most intimate moments, but not share what's on my heart with him in the waking part of the day. I am perhaps a fool. It appears that I am driving away a good man. Why am I am arguing over things that if I just let go of, my life would be infinitely better? Perhaps I am a fool. I see that now.

He is my beloved and I need to grow up and act like a woman who loves a man. I am not being hard on myself. I have learned over the years to recognize fear when it shows up. I just didn't recognize it disguised as doubt and annoyance and petty observations.

This is the love that showed up and presented itself to me in a lovely package of this beautiful man. I know this man. I know his story, his people, his character, his beliefs and his kindness. I know him, tasted him, slept under him and laughed with him. We've had great pillow fights. We've had long talks and long walks. We've showered together, dinned under candle light together, even took a road trip together. I owe it to myself to explore this loveship! I owe it to myself to explore who I am in love.

The Love Story Continues...

Always asking...Who Are You? and What Do You Want?

Friday, January 1, 2010

I AM BACK: HAPPY NEW YEAR

2010.

It is full of possiblity...romance...hope...love.

I've been away too long. I thought I was spending time discovering love, but really I was sacrificing a part of myself. We often think love calls us to give up the better part of ourselves. If someone that we love asks us to sacrifice...we do. To do so, shows love. But I think it doesn't show love at all. If someone loves you, they wouldn't ask you to be something that you are not... they wouldn't ask you to stop breathing.

So I stopped breathing. I stopped breathing because someone objected to my blogging. Objected to my philosophy, objected to the way I see the world. And in my willingness to keep them interested in me...to keep them in love with me...I thought...I will silence my heart...soul...mind.

I knew better.

And Yet I talked myself into silence. That's what women do...those of us who want the company of a man....

I am not ashamed. I play the hands that are dealt me.

2010 ushers in a new thinking...a shift . I can't give total voice to it...will allow 2010 to unfold and gift me its divine possibilities!

I can't begin to say how unbelievably optimistic I am about the new decade ahead.

I am sitting here in the newness of this new decade in this very new millennium.

What I know for sure is that I've missed dissecting my feelings...thoughts and experiences around love, commitment and love. I am ready for the love supreme.

Happy New Year!