Wednesday, September 23, 2009

GOODBYE BLOGGING...FOR AWHILE...A GOOD LONG WHILE

I am giving up this blog for a while. A long good while. I need to get out into the world and talk to people face to face. I need to get out and walk around, explore. I need to leave the safety and comfort of my computer and make love.

I've been at this for a long time now and I love it. But I need to strengthen my other writing skills. I need to immerse myself in cooking, reading for pleasure and continue learning the tango and drinking wine and entertaining friends and making love.

This Summer was beautiful. I feel in love and I loved the way I felt. I reconnected with a old friend and we made passionate explosive love. We fell out. I misunderstood him and he tried to learn who I am now. I loved the way I felt being in love. I need to get out and fall in love some more.

I am leaving this blog and Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio. I want to put more effort into LoveTalk, my blogtalk radio show. I want to put more energy into PChats my erotic writing blog. I am studying in The School of Spirituality and I love it and feel at home and at peace talking about the Divine with other seekers on the path to enlightenment.

I will be back to blogging. But right now I need to live what I blog. I have to become love and live love. I need to stop talking about love at this level and really get out from behind my computer and live love. I plan on revisiting my archives. I want to reread my blogging history and reconnect with what I wrote from the beginning.

I've got new ventures to launch and love to make. I'll be back.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

ON LOVETALK TODAY: AUTHOR LAURIE KINGSTON












NOT DONE YET
LIVING THROUGH BREAST CANCER
By Laurie Kingston

Today on my Blogtalk radio show LoveTALK my guest will be my Canadian Sister, Blogger & Author Laurie Kingston. We will be talking about her book, her blog and everything else under the sun.

Laurie Kingston blogs at Not Just About Cancer .

Join us for a lively discussion. If you can't join us live you can always come back and listen anytime.

Monday, September 21, 2009

THE LOVE STORY REALLY ENDS... AND A MANIFESTO IS BORN

I crafted a manifesto yesterday for the man I thought I was in love with. The idea was to express my feelings on what I would be committed to in joining our lives together. This has been a serious bone of contention between us, as he has felt I've not been serious about giving this question some thought.

We were locked into a heated argument about my reluctance to talk about our communication problems. It all came to the final end when he said to me: I DON'T SEE ANY REMORSE IN YOU FOR THE CRIME YOU COMMITTED. ARE YOU REMORSEFUL? I was STUNNED! Stunned that he would come in at the tail end of one of the most life changing events in my life and say some stupid shit like that. I have paid for my crime. I have served the time I was required to. I have been on my knees to GOD and have been forgiven. To sit and listen to someone expecting me to be stuck in that place of sadness, desperation and humiliation is not what I want to be doing. Nor is this someone I want to be with. To have someone who claims to love me, sitting in judgement as though I owe him some sort of explanation is bullshit. My life is right now. Not what I did almost 10 years ago. So needless to say I told him to go away. We are no longer friends. We are no longer anything at all to each other.

This Summer has been amazing. The lessons learned have be invaluable. I've gained back my sexual self confidence that I thought was lost to me. I gained a renewed sense of being a woman who loves deeply and heartily. I am hitting my stride.

I realize that I need a different kind of partner who puts the wind in my sails. Who greets me in the morning with a happy heart, a big smile and laughter. Who is not interested in making me feel less than the amazing and beautiful woman that I am.

Oh this man and I are over and a manifesto is born!

So here is my Manifesto. I think it is a wonderful addition to my now infamous Love List (100 things I want in a Lover/Soulmate/Partner) (Check archives under The Love List for all the posts). Someone will welcome and benefit from this manifesto...I absolutely know it!

JOINING OF OUR LIVES
MANIFESTO
September 20, 2009

I HEAR BY DECLARE TO MY BELOVED,
THE FOLLOWING DECLARATION OF PRINCIPLES AND INTENTIONS FOR THE ULTIMATE PURPOSES OF JOINING OUR LIVES TOGETHER:

I love you. I want you in my life as my true partner, protector, lover and very best friend.

As such I am willing and committed to:
1) Loving you with an open and full heart everyday;
2) Respecting your opinions on life and how to live in harmony;
3) Co-partnering in the raising of my children without fear and reservation;
4) Creating a safe and harmonious home where we are both safe and loved and cared for emotionally, spiritually and physically;
5) Seeking your council on matters that affect and or, effect our union;
6) Always consider your feelings and your personhood as I make decisions about work, family activities and further educational pursuits;
7) Discuss all matters of home and hearth with you before any decisions are made;
8) Making health and the commitment to better health a priority for myself and the children; (includes daily exercising, walking in the evenings, family time at parks)
9) Share my hopes, dreams and aspirations with you;
10) Always think the very best of you and your intentions in support of me and this family.
11) Respect for your religious beliefs and customs; celebrate when and where I can in regards to my faith.
12) Indulge you and your eccentricities, passions and quirks. (as long as they do not harm you and our family)

What I need from you:
1) A open and full heart and commitment to day-to-day love;
2) Respect of my opinions, thoughts and insights;
3) Willingness to co-partner in the raising and rearing of my children;
4) Support in creating a safe and harmonious home where I and my children feel safe, loved and cared for emotionally, spiritually and physically;
5) Seek my council on matters important to you and your life;
6) Always consider my feelings and my personhood as you make decisions about work, your children & family, further educational pursuits;
7) Discuss with me all matters you deem necessary and appropriate for our home as they arise;
8) Continued support in our pursuit of optimum health for me and the children;
9) Share your hopes and dreams and aspirations with me;
10) Always think the best of me and my intentions for you and this family;
11) Respect for my religious beliefs and customs; celebrate when and where you can in regards to your faith.
12) Indulge me and my eccentricities, passions and quirks (as long as they do not harm me or our family)


Saturday, September 19, 2009

THE RESTORATIVE POWER OF A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

Of late, I have been wrestling with confusion in my personal life. This is odd for me because I am always quite clear about what to do and where to go. Even when I am a bit befuddled I can think my way through or feel my way through a situation, crisis, problem. I am gifted with a highly intuitive nature.

My intuition has served me well. I am always feeling things about people, places and things. I trust in what I know and what I feel. I used to be believe it was a freakish duality. But I am realizing that it is not a duality at all. I am not at odds with myself. What I am at odds with is not listening to my instincts and not backing it up with what I think and what I know. GOD has always been the driving force in my life. It is that voice that guides and directs me. Listening to other folks whispering or shouting about what they want, think and need for my life is at best NOISE.

I know GOD has a divine plan for this life... my life. I know that GOD is my friend and I can talk with GOD anytime I want to. I have been doing more of that lately. I am on the right path. If I were not, trust me, GOD would certainly drop a burning bush in front of me. Believe me, I've had many burning bushes. I can however get in my own way and become stuck and stubborn in stepping forward. When I recognize that pattern or better still bad habit. I push myself into prayer and rest.

So last night I went to bed rather early about 10:30pm I was very tired and sleepy. I slept beautifully and thoroughly without interruption or restlessness. I woke up at 6:00am with this strong sense of knowing all shall be well and all shall be well. That what is meant for me will not get past me. I needed that deep sleep to restore and reset my commitment to living my life on my terms.

I woke up with a new commitment to pursue my dreams, love fully and to be open to God's grace. I have some goals I want to accomplish and I am feeling very powerful in finally working on being disciplined. Disciplined in a loving focused staying-true-to me kind of way. I am not troubled in my heart or head. The moments of confusion have past. I see clearly. I am not wearing someone Else's uncertainty. The world is a delightful bright place and I want more of that brightness and joy.

A good night's sleep is restorative and necessary. It is a gift we give ourselves in love and happiness. My charge will be to give the gift of rest to myself every night and wake refreshed with God's grace carrying me forward.

Friday, September 18, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: MAKE OR BREAK MODE

I am standing in that place of un-motivation and undisciplined. All I have to do to move forward is to change my mind. Yet I haven't changed my mind! I am standing in a space that I thought I have long since let go of. Old wounds are haunting me and I am feeling almost afraid. I have to believe that I am on the verge of jumping to the next level. The next level that will bring me to my heart's desires.

Once again I am in my way. I am in my way as an old habit. As a self preservation mechanism that used to serve me well. I have realized I am not being served well by my self protecting tools. You cannot get to higher ground if you are not willing to climb. In my heart of hearts I am willing to climb. What is needed is to change my mind and get on with climbing. I have to step up and out on faith and believe that I have all that I need to live the life of my dreams.

I have come far. I have survived a great deal. I have overcome things that were seemingly insurmountable. I know how to move forward. I don't think I am stuck as much as I am hesitant.

Asking the question: Who are you? and what do you want?

This is my make or break mode. I am whispering my mantra... In God's care all things are possible.

Monday, September 14, 2009

A NEW DIRECTION....AND ON THE SAME PATH

Tonight I start at the School of Spirituality. The School of Spirituality is a two-year, ecumenical adult education program that helps individuals from a variety of faith traditions and communities deepen their basic understanding of Christian spirituality, scripture, prayer and mission. I am thrilled to have won a 2 year scholarship to sit and study and learn with like-minded travelers on this spiritual path.

I wanted to do this program a few years ago, but I had other pressing matters...serving time at Danbury Federal Prison camp and then 5 months home confinement. I was so thrilled when the opportunity came back around and I was able to apply AND get a scholarship!

My path is illuminating and all I have to do is keep taking the steps forward. This has been an amazing summer, filled with passion, and love found and love lost. What is needed always comes. I do not believe there are distractions in life. I believe that every encounter with a person, place or thing is designed to grow us and shape us. There are no accidents in life, GOD is a master choreographer, architect and guide. Sometimes the lessons before us are simple, sometimes they require further discernment. I am moved to follow this new direction.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE ...

Those that know me best know that I love music...I have a song for every occasion. Hell I have several songs for any occasion. I love this song by Angela Bofill...Time To Say Goodbye. I LOVE ANGELA BOFILL. This song speaks to where I am right now.

Things between my Love and I are breaking down and we can't seem to get to common ground. We can't seem to settle in and embrace each other. We are harsh and critical with each other. We have unrealistic expectations for each other. We believe we are valid in our wants and needs and are unyielding and uncompromising in what we are willing to accept from the other. We are foolish and petty and we are losing this love each minute we don't let love rule. But we each want to be right and we each want what we want, so, that means we must go and find that which we believe we need for our respective happiness.

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.




Just the other day I said hello to you
Now it seems like time has passed us by
I wish there was a treasure I could show to you
To make our love come back and never die

Chorus:
But it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I'm gonna cry
But at least I know we try
Oh baby it's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to all the things we hold so dear to us
Goodbye to all the things we used to do
Goodbye to everybody far and near to us
But that won't ever stop me from loving you

Though it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Wish I didn't have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it's time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Goodbye... goodbye...

Instrumental

Though it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it's time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Time to say goodbye to all the things we used to do now
Time to say goodbye to all the family and friends
Time to say goodbye to everybody that we do know
Even though I know that this is really not the end
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye

Time to say goodbye

Friday, September 11, 2009

WIN...BRIAN McKNIGHT

On September 11, 2006 I stood in Federal Court pleading guilty to a crime I committed. Time has passed and in remembering, I am no longer haunted, shamed or afraid of that period of my life. I've come on through and I am all the better for it. It is amazing what the human spirit can do. It is amazing the power of our minds to elevate us from despair to joy. I humbly and profoundly believe that in God's care all things are possible.
So this song by Brian McKnight is speaking to my spirit and reminds me of how far I have come and that redemption and forgiveness is not for other people, but for me too.

Monday, September 7, 2009

COMING FULLY

Tonight I opened myself up to him...to myself. I said what was on my heart and mind. I confessed my fears. I talked about what I wanted and what my challenges are. I talked about giving up my excuses.

I want this love... supreme.

It requires work. It requires a quiet mind and a willing spirit. It requires me to step up and be a grown woman. Grown in the sense of being open to a Man's love, care and connection.

All my preconceived ideas about love and loving a Man fully have to be torn down and rebuilt. I am rebuilding my thoughts. I am rebuilding this heart that was broken. It is ready for a loving home again.

I can stand in the alone space with pride and self-righteous bullshit or I can stand vulnerable to my beloved and say take my hand and let's live as one. I am walking toward my forever love with arms wide open. There is nothing for me but to love with a full heart. I have to stop being the barrier to my dreams, hopes and love aspirations. I have to come fully or not come at all.

I am coming fully. I am reaching for him. I need him. Need him as a partner, helpmate, lover, friend and confidant.

Tonight I jumped a big hurdle for myself. I stood in the Grown Woman space and opened my heart and mind wide. I spoke to my confusion and my fears. I spoke about my life in a way that invites him in. Whether he comes or not that is not the question or the answer. The lesson and the test is and was that I invited him in...finally.

I am coming fully into my loving self. I feel renewed. I am restoring what was lost to me. Love is forgiving and restorative. I am coming fully into the life of my dreams.

The Love Story continues...


Tuesday 9/8/09 12:30pm est
What happens to the souvenirs after your break up?
(photos, intimate videos, family albums, etc)
718-766-4895

A DAGGER OF WORDS...

Sometimes those that love you... hurt you the most.

It is hard to hear someone say your words are bullshit. You don't live the way you blog. You don't listen, you force your thoughts. You are a bully. You don't talk to me, you don't relate to me as a human being, you don't do this and you don't do that. I need need and need and you don't give it to me. You don't hear my ideals, you don't consider my existence. You haven't figured out how to join our lives. You are afraid, you are resistant, you disregard the proper order of things, you are not in harmony with nature, you are cunning with words. You are a seductress, an enchantress, you are charming. You are not rooted in reality. It's your world and you are the only who calls the shots. I am tired of this. I am not playing house with you. I am not having sex with you. I am tired of you. These words when strung together create a dagger and plunges into my heart. I am a woman conscious of words, their meanings, their values. I am conscious of what is said and what is withheld on the tongue. I wear these words like an exquisite piece of jewelry...heavy around my neck and heart.

I have no defense for any of the charges leveled against me. They are true. I am who you think I am. I am who you say I am.

I am a woman in transition. Trying to live with as much grace and tenderness as heaven would allow. I am divine in my steps and in my thoughts. I am a lover and a giver and always in need of redemption and prayer. You will see in me what you want to see in me. An illusion created in your own mind. Why can't you resist the need to change and reconstruct my nature...my very being. To make me better in your estimation. Weak men will do that...need to do that, seek to change the very thing they say they love and are drawn to. It requires a great deal to accept a woman on terms that are foreign to you. It requires you to question your existence and to ask "Who Are You? And What Do You Want?"

Do I bring joy to your life? Are you happy in my presence? When I touch you does the universe sing out? When you are away from me are your thoughts of me and do you miss me? Can you love me without judgement and without criticism. If we parted company would your life be better off? All the ruminations about the day-to-day is bullshit and an excuse to move further apart. To live the life of one's dreams, we have to cast off our beliefs and expectations and love what is. We have to create a new ideal...one created just for our lives with roots in what speaks to our soul.

Maybe we have reached the pinnacle of this loveship. Perhaps for us there isn't anything left to do but wish each other well on our paths. Perhaps there is something to hold onto here. Perhaps there is still conversations to be had and love to be made.

These are lovely days. The beauty of the seasons does not escape me. I welcome the seasonal change. I am looking forward to the heavier comforters on the bed and the days getting shorter. I am already imagining stews and soups and hearty breads.

The Love Story continues...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A GIFT...GIFTS...GIFT.

Sometimes the gift has a larger meaning than originally thought. What we call into our lives based on what we think we need can show up but with a different message entirely. Love is not illusive. We only have to welcome love in, that's it...its not about time. It's about welcoming love in. Those that hold steadfast to ideals and laws and views to live a life instead of living life is sad to me. I have lost much in my life...friends, family and things. I have gained much in my life, friends, family and things. I have learned that this moment that I draw this breath is more precious than what tomorrow could bring. Peace in my home and in my heart is not predicated on everyone and everything being quiet. I am at peace in the midst of noise and chaos and drama. I am not moved by it. I do not need absolute physical peace...it dwells from within. I am not a beast for order. I am not felled by chaos. Disorder and chaos can often lend itself to creativity of the highest order. I am a woman of dual existence of heart and mind. I reconcile this everyday at every instance. It does not trouble me in the way it might for some. It has served me well and I have made room for this existence. I feel deeply and I think deeply. I am logical and emotional. Chaos and peace...however, more peace these days than chaos.

I am grand in my thoughts, deeds and actions. I give with a big heart. I do more than what is required and asked for. I make no apologies for this larger than life existence. To some that may seem over the top...grandiose. To those that say that, stay in your smallness and let your light be dimmed. For me I seek the richness and brightness of the sun and the moon. YES I DO BELIEVE I CAN DO AND BE AND HAVE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SET MY HEART AND MIND TO. The world is mine and I am the world. I love that.

This life is one of joy and happiness and living with a full heart. I care not for ideals or laws of nature or anything that shows up as an excuse not to grab the brass ring. I am rooted in this moment with breath in this body. Carpe Diem has to be the order of the day!

I appreciate the small graces of life. The small kindnesses that connects us one to another. A smile, a hug, a note to say "hello I miss you", a single rose given because a dozen would be too much said and not enough to give in love. The balance is not in the giving but in the receiving. Receiving with grace and tenderness. The gift in and of itself is not important. To give one a gift says I am thinking of you and wanted you to have this small token of my affection because I thought this thing would bring you joy. Many find receiving hard and want to dissect the meaning behind the gift, accepting it with trepidation and suspect. Nothing breaks my heart more than that.

I am not an easy woman for anyone who needs absolute control. I am not a simple woman, I am not a dull woman, I am not a quiet woman. I am however a gift. I am a gift that requires opening everyday. I am an ever changing gift. GOD made me this wonderful gift full of mystery and whimsy and grandness. It is not open at your own risk or to your detriment...it is open and embrace love and joy.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

GONE TOO SOON...NIKKI HARRIS


Indigo Trail Of My Thoughts was her blog. I thought she was the coolest in the blogosphere. She had swagger and guts and a kick-ass stance. I wanted to own some of her mojo...such courage ALL THE TIME!

She passed on Monday and I am stunned. I was just getting to know this woman who I admired and enjoyed talking to. She was a pistol and took no prisoners. I was drawn to her, I loved her posts on her dating life, sex, men, being in the ATL and maybe moving to NYC.

She called me mommie and strangely enough I liked it...it made me feel wise. So I am selfishly missing her. I wanted more time to know her. What I got with her was indeed a grand gift.
I just wanted more time.
Gone too soon.
Other blog tributes:


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BUIDLING A BONDING LOVE PART 1

I am a talker. I love to talk...to anyone...everyone at any time on any subject under the sun. Sometimes I have a good grasp of the topic, others times I am just fascinated and want to know more. What I am not good at is talking about my inner soul; what fuels my passions and sets my heart on fire in a loveship. I can absolutely write them, blog them and yes of course capture my thoughts in a diary. But to sit across from my beloved and speak the words that dwell in my heart...hhmmm NO! I am not afraid on the surface, its just for me to speak these thoughts out loud is indeed frightening to my core.

So how do you build a bonding love if you cannot speak clearly and consciously about what it is you say you want? Perhaps what I am talking about is trust and being in a safe place to speak my heart and mind. I am fond of saying "love waits on welcome...not on time" from the Course in Miracles. Well I have invited love in and it needs nurturing. Perhaps what I am talking about is barring one's soul and asking someone else to see you as you are in the brightest light possible...that may or may not be flattering. This is a big deal for me. I am being asked to do something that I've never been asked to do before... be open...communicate and reach for love at the highest level.

We all know that communication is critical in loveships. It is necessary as a tool to convey anything at all in life. But how do we bare our soul and give voice to the very thing that scares us? We are drawn to Love's light because it is comforting and restorative. We know the richness of a bonding love and its power to redeem us, revitalize us and rescue us. We know that we need it and yet we cower in its shadow as if the brightness of love would burn us. If only we would remember love does not hurt.

I am being stretched in my heart and mind and there is nothing to do but be stretched. There is no turning back. I am being prepared for the grandest of love. I am seeing myself in Love's light and it is a me I've never seen before. I want to continue to excavate this me. I want to see where this journey of building a bonding love takes me. My beloved is patient and generous in spirit and action and love. I require that kind of care and hope to return its favor.

I am asking deeply and lovingly Who Are You and What Do You Want?

The Love Story continues...

12:30PM EST
718-766-4895