Monday, August 31, 2009

AND JUST LIKE LIKE...POOF! HELLO

He came back yesterday. I was glad to see him. He's been gone a week. It felt so much longer. I missed him. There is something very real between us. There is a chance for real long lasting love. But we seem to be talking around and around...circular. I said "I want to give you more of what you need" and "I want you to give me more of what I need" That's the compromise I said. We go back and forth on letting go and holding on. Our friendship keeps us rooted and connected. I am not sure we would be talking still if it were not for history and memory. I was thinking they way we left things...ended things that we were done. I told myself I was done. I told him I was done.

I love him.

We have been floating in the ether he says, now we must get back on the ground and asks hard questions, lay out a map. Can we do this? Should we do this?

He slept beside me last night, holding my hand. It was the most comforting thing in the world.

And just like that...POOF! HELLO!

The Love Story continues....

Sunday, August 30, 2009

AND JUST LIKE THAT...POOF! GOODBYE.

It has been an amazing summer. I fell in love with someone I've always loved. So much passion and fire and tenderness and laughter and happiness. This was and is my summer of HAPPY! He came in and reminded me how sweet love can be. We are not slated for eternity but we will love each other forever. He has his path and I have mine and in these lovely moments we crossed, connected and loved sweetly and passionately. Now we are moving along and apart.

I am thinking about myself differently these days. I've had a taste of what a loveship could be and I want that for myself. I need that for myself. To be loved by a good man is divine. I want to be wanted and needed and adored and cared for. I want to be considered above all others. I want to be waited for. I always knew I had a great capacity for love. I can feel the energy of love surging through my veins. Yes I have lots of layers and walls and barriers, but for the right man...the divine right man, there lies an oasis...strong, true, faithful and abiding love. I cast my pearls before enough swine...God knows I have! This summer has given me a chance to see myself in Love's mirror and I liked it. I loved the touching of someone close, I loved waking up with someone dear to me. I loved holding hands while we slept. I never had that kind of connection with anyone. I want that. I've seen the beauty in it and I want that.

So here I am contemplating my dating life. A life that did not not seem possible before this summer. But now I am ready. REALLY READY to step out and be some one's love. This Stella definitely got her groove back! I am not skiddish about sex with someone or being seen naked, my passion as a woman is not only intact but bubbling over. I have rediscovered my sensual self. I owe this reconnection to this summer. My smile is brighter and wider, my heart is joyful and I happily step into Love's light. I know that the man for me is on his way. This summer has returned to me the gift of passion and intimacy. I have spread my wings and soared!

Down separate paths we go to find our heart's desires...

And just like that... POOF! Goodbye.

The Love Story comes to an end.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

DON'T KNOW WHY...SMOKEY ROBINSON

I love this song by Norah Jones. When I first heard it, it instantly became a favorite. But hearing Smokey Robinson's version takes it to a new level. He is LUSH! LUSH! LUSH! and sooooo silky smmmmooooth! It has soul and dimension... rarely a remake is better than the original. Anyway this is how I am feeling today. You know I love a good song...adds to the soundtrack of my life.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE LOVE INVESTMENT

It costs something whether you stay or walk away. It hurts all the same no matter what you do. So perhaps what to do is to press on. Maybe just up ahead the way becomes smoother. You won't know until you press on...keep it moving. Love does not hurt. What hurts are the decisions we make in love, that have nothing to do with love at all. It has everything to do with personal baggage and clouded thinking and yes fear.

Love only requires that you be ready and open to receive it. Love waits on welcome not on time....A Course in Miracles. Love does not desert us...we desert love. Love itself is not hard. What is hard is relinquishing your control of whatever you think you might have. It is about self preservation. Who the hell wants to be hurt? But here's the thing, if you don't invest in love then life itself is meaningless.

Investing in love requires a commitment to stay in it. Stay connected, to tear down all your barriers and safety nets. It requires you to reach for each other in nakedness of thought, soul and being. You have to suspend doubt. You have to forgive everyday, every hour, every minute. We are human and we choose badly all the time. We run away, we fuck up, we trip, we fall, we get back up. Love never dies. Love never ends. Love says I wait for you to invite me in.

Love has arrived and I am inviting it in. It is more than I could have dreamed up and yet not enough. I have to be in love for its sake and do what love requires...welcome it. Invest in it fully. This is new ground for me. There are no maps. What I knew of love before does not apply here in these moments. I am a new woman in love. I am brave and afraid all at once. I am happy and apprehensive. It is my path. I am growing. I am challenging hard earned beliefs and whatever happens I will be renewed.

I am answering the questions: Who are you? and what do you want?

The LOVE STORY continues...

TODAY 12:30PM EST
BREAKING UP WITH THE RIGHT PERSON
718-766-4895

Monday, August 24, 2009

STRUGGLING IS NOT DIVINE

When you are in a place of constant struggle with anything or anyone, for me it simply means let go. What I am struggling with is not for me. When things are received or sought with ease, I realize they are meant for me. I am not suggesting hard work doesn't pay off. Or that we shouldn't work hard for the things we want and need. But struggling or to struggle with is not divine.

I am struggling with someone I love dearly. It is energy draining. I am struggling with someone Else's issues on how to live in the world. I am still solid and committed to to the way in which I want to love and be open and living with a full heart. What I am not interested in, is a thought process that hasn't garnered any success for the person claiming to have a different way of thinking. If that thinking is so radically different and closer connected to GOD? Then why are you struggling in so many areas in your life? I am not making a judgement, just asking the obvious questions. How has that thinking brought you peace and happiness? If you hold onto a thinking that is isolating and it isolates you from the very things you say you want then perhaps a new thinking direction needs to emerge.

There are many who believe that to retreat from the world and all its trappings is the way to go. That you can't have real harmony if you are in the world. They believe to end struggle and conflict is to be in community with like minded folks only. I am so not with that thinking. The world for me is wondrous and a beautiful place. If there is to be harmony and peace and love and joy it begins in my mind. It begins with me. I have to want those things inspite of noise in the world.

I do not welcome struggle. I am not interested in a myopic world view. I am not interested in anyone clipping my wings and saying don't fly too high. I am not interested in someone telling me know thy place. I am not interested in defined roles and conformity.

Struggling is not divine. I am letting go. I have to answer the questions: WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT? When I pose these simple questions, the thing I am struggling with clearly is an obstacle and barrier to the life that I want, and to that end I have to stand in my truth and release the struggle.

Friday, August 21, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: BREATHING THE BREADTH OF THE OTHER...HAKI R. MADHUBUTI

same love different decades
we've seen the sun
rise
melting loud promises of our twenties
the young do not love carefully,
the young innocently love, often
the young live with wishes of no boredom.

you are mature young
a decade past romanticism,
years on the other side of searching,
months away from intimate hunger,
weeks from assigning blame,
days removed from contemplating advice from
relatives,
within seconds confirming, we are ready!

these are your commitments:

a. listen first, listen last, communicate
b. when angry, hit the couch in private instead of each
other.
c. measure each other's pulse seven times a week; do
not buy a pulse meter.
d. divide the housework
B.C (Before Children)
you 1: garbage, dishes, bedroom, car, kitchen,
mopping, weekly wash, cooking, shopping,
no pets.
you 2: living room, bathroom, halls, cooking, car,
sweeping, shopping, weekly wash, kitchen,
argue for a cat.
A.C. (After Children) revise everything
e. encourage growth in each other. intelligence may
marry stupid, but brains don't stay with pinheads.
f. parent against the culture; if you spend $100 on
Nintendo, your children will become what you
deserve.
g. do not take current beauty for granted. big eaters
are wrong. fat is not pretty nor healthy.
h. grow into greater love, nothing stays the same.
challenge the beauty in each other. fight for
understanding.

we've seen the sun
rise
in you
knowing the bones in her back
feeling the tenderness of his feet,

same love, different decade,
breathing the scent of each other
breath to breath
sustaining the music of bright expectations
life confirmed. complete.
one.

author: Haki R. Madhubuti,
HeartLove
Wedding and Love Poems

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

THE LONG GOODBYE...

GOD does send us what is needed and what we ask for. When we get what we asked for, sometimes we realize that more is needed...more work on our part, more of something that compliments our spirit in ways that were overlooked. Sometimes GOD gives us what we ask for because what we want is not what we need and nothing explains that better than getting what we say we want and realizing we were wrong. It is a tough lesson and sometimes it takes a lot of time figuring that out. But there are gifted moments when the reality of our lives and our choices tell us what we said we wanted was wrong and what is needed is still to come.

I came across this song by India.Arie that is haunting me. And I know GOD is talking to me as GOD often does with music and art and well, burning bushes.

I say I love you
You say that's kind
You don't wanna get too close
You loved me crazy
I lost my mind

Listen...

You're everything I never wanted
And all the things I didn't need
This ain't who I wanna be
You don't have to stay forever
I'll take passion over pride
Full moon, high tide
Let's make it a Long Goodbye
Tomorrow we'll pick up the pieces
Try to mend our broken lives
Soft kiss, sweet lies

Let's make it a long goodbye

Yeah...
I cried in silence
I lived through you
I've given everything away
And maybe I can learn to fall
For someone who can give me all
The things I"m not afraid to lose

Whenever you see lonely faces
That's where I'll be
Don't cry for me, no no no no
Don't cry for me, don't cry for me yeah yeahhhh

Hey, don't cry for me, no no no
I'm gonna be okay



The question begs to be asked: Who Are You? and What Do You Want?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LIVING LOVE

At some point all your self analysis and personal development has to be played out in real life. You have to begin to live all the things you want. If love is what you say you want then you have to be that love and live it! All the things we desire in our hearts have to be lived. We have to move from imagination and dreams to real life.

I had decided that Mr. Love was not the man for me. I decided this because I was being a self-righteous brat and a coward. I wanted to have my way. Well I can't have my way when it involves someone else. There has to be give and take...harmony. Fortunately for me, Mr. Love did not put any stock into my declaration of him not being "The One" especially since my 1985-88 journals proclaim him to be "The One" (yes we had a great time rereading all the journal entries pertaining to him).

He has a great deal of courage and foresight about how he wants to live. I admire that a great deal. A man who charts his own course. A man who has a clear vision of how he needs to live on a day-to-day basis. I want to live this vision for myself. I want to live love this way. It is amazing how what I needed has come. The key for me is to pay attention to what is and not what is or is not said between us.

We have to go from discernment to action. At some point we must put away the books of inspiration and go about the business of living love.

The Love Story contines....

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I CAN ROAR... BY FLUTTER

My very beautiful Blog Sister, Flutter penned this beautiful poem on her blog... Flutter, Dark & Dvine It moved me so. I just had to repost with her very kind permission. ENJOY!

I can roar
August 13th, 2009

Humility, they say

be humble, do not express

your pride

But I am done hiding

my light

I can bake

a motherfucking cake

In an apron that says

laissez les bons temps rouler

(it rhymes if you say it right

so just try to say it right

because I won’t correct you anymore

because I used to

and that shit is rude)

I am made of humorous things

mostly directed at myself

but damn if I am not the best friend

that you will ever know

my heart, this big and wounded thing

well shit, bitch…it loves you

and some days

oh some days

it needs to be held in the palm

of your hands and cradled

because I am not always so strong

I am a brainy girl

and my hands are just like my mother’s

beautiful

strong

they build things

pictures with words

things with yarn and beads

and fabric and fluff

things that are nothing

things that matter

they hold yours in tough times

and reach out when they need

sometimes

I am talented

I am good

I deserve the things I’ve denied myself

and instead of sitting

and waning

pitching pathetic

I can roar

Friday, August 14, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: EMOTIONAL DEXTERITY

There seems to be this backlash against emotional attachments. That somehow being "emotional" has become a negative characteristic. That one should not take anything "personal" I love you , but I am not in love with you, has become a common mantra for the discontented and fearful. I am always taken aback when folks chop up their feelings about love and being in love. They believe that by burying, ignoring and turning off emotional connection that somehow that is some higher way of thinking. That to have emotions denotes a kind of weakness. They strive to live and be beyond the emotional and the personal. I get some of that. I do. But for me there has to be some emotional dexterity.

To love in harmony with your emotional, spiritual and physical self requires embracing the emotional. Why would you be so disconnected from your emotional self as if it would guide you in the wrong direction? I mean if you are enlightened or seeking enlightenment then I would think your emotions would support clarity. I am not making an excuse to be emotionally off the chain. Nor am I suggesting that we give into our emotions without other reasoning skills that aid in our decision making processes. Yes, some of us are more in control of our emotions than others. I think I hoover somewhere in the middle depending on the challenge. I will cry over the smallest things and I can also stand in the midst of great trauma...unflinching.

I am one for great emotions. My emotions have served me well. I do not think that my judgement is clouded by my emotions...at least not all the time. Nor do I think that if I make a decision based on my emotions that it will be the wrong one. I am a mix of emotion, intellect, feeling, and intuition. I am tactile. I love the physical feel of things...people...places. I am rooted in emotion. I listen to my gut. I heed the call of angels. I am open to the whisper of God.

Love for me is saying it and doing it all at once. It is active and open. It's saying to the world I love this person, this place, this life. God was not and is not quiet about his love of people and earth. We get it wrong when we say stop being emotional. We lose out and we miss out on the finer joys and pleasures of right now. I am not trying to fore go living in preparation for heaven. Heaven is in all of us. We have to create it and nurture it. It is the emotional dexterity of our inner selves that will get us there.

The questions come back around.... who are you? and what do you want?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: FLAWS & PERFECTION

I really don't like to believe that relationships are hard. I rather like to believe that with love and a willing spirit any obstacle can be overcome. It is not relationships that are hard, it is our own mess that make relationships hard. I am not suggesting folks stay in mess and try to love through it. I am talking about that internal voice that whispers this is not what you want.

What is in front of me is lovely but it is not without its challenges. I have my deal breakers that are absolutes. But what about the little petty things? Those little annoyances that make a seemingly grand picture flawed. Maybe I am too much for perfection and not enough for reality. And God knows looking at my life's choices one would not think perfection.

We are all flawed. Does the greater qualities cancel out the lesser ones? Do I over look, or better still do I make room for the things that are not smooth. Love asks only that we welcome it. It doesn't say pick apart the vessel in which love shows up to get to the parts that are divine. All love is divine including the vessel.

The Love Story continues....

Monday, August 10, 2009

HISTORY & MEMORY

There are a great many things that bring me pleasure in this life. My children, my new found friendships and love of old friends.

He connects me back to my roots, my formative years. At our core we are the same as when we were 16, 17 years old. Yes, the world has shaped Us...changed Us. We have spent a great many years apart. Yes, we see things from different view points. For me this is lovely, it opens up the world in a different way. For him I suspect it means we are not in sync. We are in the same ballpark but not on the same team. To me this is not a deficit or a problem. I like differing viewpoints.

So what to do and what happens next? Do we press on or do we say friendship withstanding, a loveship is near impossible. I do know that our friendship is the foundation on which this love is built. The friendship is grace. It allows us to be present in each other's lives without introduction or awkward interactions.

We are mis-communicating at the moment. It is not a problem for me. As I see it, we are fine tuning our rhythms...learning each other's signals. I suspect he sees it as signs and indications of way more work to be done to strengthen the connection and quite possibly insurmountable. We are in a holding pattern...not really moving forward but not letting go either.

There is real love here. Real deep and abiding love. There is a risk that it could be lost. Not the friendship, that remains forever and a day strong! The losing of the loveship could come because we could shrug our shoulders and become unwilling to press on. To go a step (even) further than the day before.

I do not have the "right" answers. I only know that I come to this with all my insecurities, shortcoming and frailties. I do know that I have a great capacity for love. I do know that my willing spirit has served me in moments of great despair and hardship. I do know that I am willing to break down all my barriers and walls to let him in.

Our friendship is the lifeline that keeps us connected. This loveship is steeped in history and memory that affords us the opportunity to re-connect and thrive. Love will flourish if we take a step (even) further.

The Love Story continues...

Friday, August 7, 2009

STEP (EVEN) FURTHER...SOL EDLER

I heard this beautiful song last night for the first time and it is haunting me. So I decided to dedicate it to my Love. I've been looking for a song that captures who we are....(our lives ought to have a soundtrack).

The Love Story continues...

...whatever happens, friends will be alright.


Step (Even) Further - Sol Edler

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THANK YOU K.O. JOHNSON

Sometimes we get stuck in our own heads about how things ought to go. Or as my Love Supreme likes to say.... we force our thoughts. I certainly was doing just that over the last couple of days. I got so caught up with having what I wanted that I completely ignored what He wanted and Needed...needs. I was thinking my way was the better way. That my path was THE path.

It took a divine call from my newly married blog brother K.O. Johnson to smack me back to remedial love lesson 101: Be Still. Don't react to what is said as opposed to what is happening. The conversation was not only timely, but divine. I needed that reminder. I needed someone to say...PUMP YOUR BRAKES SISTER!

I am ready for love. I am open for love. Love is perfection but not perfect. Love is about growing and expanding one's heart and mind. Love is about making room for another's clothes, toiletries, books, heart, philosophy, beliefs and needs. It is seeing them and they seeing you and still are encouraged about all the possibilities that this union could be.

There is either love or fear. I chose fear the other day...old habit. Old habits die hard. God sends the loveliest of folks to me to remind me to be still. To allow love to do what loves does best: Restores, strengthens and heals.

Thank you K.O. Johnson you are an angel indeed.

The Love Story continues....

LOVETALK
IS ON SUMMER VACATION
WE WILL BACK SOON!
HAPPY SUMMER TO YOU ALL!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

CLOSE TO HEAVEN IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I know what I want. I cannot stand in this life right now and not now clearly what I want. I want to live a certain way. I want a life filled with love and harmony. I want to share my life with someone who gets me on a great many levels. I want to share my life with someone who gets my jokes...gets my thoughts, understands my pain and loves me all the same.

I cannot hold someone Else's baggage. I cannot wait until someone solves their problems. I cannot wait until someone is sure about me. This may seem selfish... and it is on some level. I know what I need and want. I can't love someone through their journey or process of discernment. Yes I can cheer them on. I can send up prayers on their behalf. I can be encouraging. I cannot be the woman waiting in hopes of being chosen as THE ONE.

Life is right now. Not 6 months from now. We are in this space right now. The opportunity to love presents itself in this moment. We all have our choices to make...issues to overcome, wrongs to make right. God sends us what is needed.

God sends us what is needed but is not up to me to prove that. I only have to know that what is needed always comes. Maybe this is a dis-jointed post. Maybe I want to share my disappointment. Or maybe I am being unreasonable. I just know I can't be the woman who is auditioning for some one's love.

See I need him to scale the castle walls for me. I need him to NEED ME with every waking breath. I need him to say he can't sleep without me...can't make the bed without me...can't enjoy his day without the sound of my laughter ringing in our living space. See I can't accept anything less. I've had less and I am not going back for more where there is only less.

Love is enough to move anything thing forward. But there also has to be a willing spirit. Someone has to be willing to take the gamble...make the bet and roll the dice. There is only love or fear.

I don't care to hear that you need space and time to clear your heart and head because the one before me wounded you so. Let go unless you need to wallow in that pain. I am offering joy and peace and harmony and love. I have no drama to bring. I have no secrets, nor am I interested in playing the game of mis-communication. I am not angry or selfishness. All I got is me and a willingness to make it beautiful.

See, I've been close to heaven before and it ain't enough. I want heaven or nothing at all. And trust me, I will let go of you if all you have to offer is close enough.

The Love Story continues...