Saturday, August 30, 2008

IN MY OWN WAY...I MEAN I AM IN MY WAY...LIKE I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY...WAY

It's been a complicated and painful few weeks for me. I am adrift. Uncertain of which foot to put forward.

I have these short visions of what I want to do. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to be doing with this big old life. There are days when I am jumping out of bed racing to start the day. And there are days that I race to start the day but am unsure as to what that means exactly.

My dear friend Ko Johnson says I am too quick to own my fuck-ups and unwilling to own my triumphs. I have lived a remarkable life...extraordinary even. At least that is what the Federal Judge said to me last year. She also said "go and get your life back" "Go and continue on your extraordinary path" which according to a great many folks was a side to that particular Federal Judge NO ONE has ever seen or heard before.

Who am I these days? Who am I right now? Who do I think I am? Who do I believe I am ?

I read something recently that said list your 100 personal successes. I am a girl for lists! But my successes...hhhmm. I mean I am still working on my 1000 things I want to do before I die list! and then there is the LOVE LIST 100 qualities I want in a lover/soul mate/partner/husband which is inspiring to so many folks.

I am not without wise council and Sister-friend support. I am bathed in loving kindness and caring. My blog brothers and sisters have been amazing...Thank you. My "True Love Friends" are always but a whisper away.

This new malaise is perhaps troubling to me because I am feeling like I lost so much; and I am spending too much time looking back and not enough time looking forward. So perhaps my next steps is for deeper discernment. One that calls for pure nakedness and shedding of former lives in preparation for the new blessings. Blessings that could not possibly be received with a closed fist; Blessings that can't be received with a troubled heart.

I need a new plan, a compass, a map, a sense of purpose and being. I am so a girl for a purpose!

As I pray on the arrival of this answer I will blog my heart out. I will release this anxiety. I will move forward in love and joy.

I need to get out of my own way...really. I need to stay in prayer. And I need to allow for proper discernment.

Friday, August 29, 2008

REPOST: ALONESS IS A GIFT

Originally posted Tuesday, July 10, 2007

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: ALONESS IS A GIFT

I just finished Florence Falk's book "On My Own, The Art of Being A Woman Alone" I was so moved by this book that I wanted to share this passage. It speaks to me on so many levels. I must say that it lights my path and helps me face my future with more courage and a grander sense of purpose. So here is one of my favorite passages from the book:

Aloness is a gift; it can return us to our own self. Instead of avoiding it, we need to accept it whole-heartedly, even though we fear it. To rid ourselves of our fears, we first need to understand their source. As our fears diminish, we have a renewed opportunity to realize a life of our own. Each relationship in our lives is a teaching; a way to learn what we want and need for ourselves and what we are willing to give, or not give, in order to get it. In this sense, aloness is a mirror wherein we may view ourselves more wholly and affirmatively.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

REPOST: TRUE LOVE FRIENDS

Originally posted Tuesday, December 4, 2007

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: "TRUE LOVE" FRIENDS

So much emphasis is placed on romantic love and the sexual expression of that romantic love that we lose sight of a grander love. Good friends... "True Love" friends who stay with you through thick or thin, good times and bad times, for better or worse. The marriage vows ought to be said to good friends, rather than to someone we think we are so in love with.

No, I am not angry or jaded or even disillusioned. I am very clear about this. My marriage has ended but my friendships have stood the test of time. The folks that are my "True Love" friends know me, understand me and still love me as I am. Isn't this the love we all want. I know I do.

My love for my "True Love" friends is satisfying and deep and sacred. It is this love that comforts, and heals; sending me into the world stronger, wiser and braver. I am lucky, blessed and humbled by the love of my "True Love" friends for all the days of my life forever and ever.
Amen.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

REPOST: I PROMISE

Originally posted Tuesday, July 17, 2007

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: I PROMISE
I have been enthralled with "The Secret" I have been in love with this notion of taking care of oneself--both spiritually and physically. Here is a passage written by Christian D. Larson--as modified by The Secret 2007. This is the state of mind I am working toward:

I promise myself
to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
to make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as I am about my own.
To forget mistakes of the past and press on to the achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature that I meet.
To give so much time improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

REPOST: BEING STILL

Originally posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2007

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BEING STILL
Each action and choice, each decision I made brought me to NOW.

My first instinct is to strike out against the tide. I wanted to try to change the outcomes by doing something. I wanted to change everything by doing anything. I worried myself sick trying to analyze my way out of my mess. But here comes the grace: I sat still and let the hand of God move me forward.

There is grace and divinity in being still. Not spending time trying to figure out every angle, trying to lobby God through prayer. Using prayer as a bargaining tool rather than a tool to center one's self. I learned to be still, to let go and let God. Being still does not mean doing nothing. It doesn't mean allowing your life to spiral out of control. Being still is not being inactive.

For me, being still, quieting my mind and tuning out the world's chatter is about turning up the volume to hear God's whisper. Worrying is exhausting and draining and it accomplishes nothing. I caught myself still worrying about this house and I had to force myself back into reminding myself that losing the house is small. And that I will be OK. I am back to being still and that is priceless.

Monday, August 25, 2008

A REPOST: GOD'S INTENTIONS

Thank you all for your kind prayers, comments, calls and private emails! I am not gone. I am here. I will however, repost for a bit as I am summoning new strength.

Repost from: Tuesday, November 27, 2007

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: GOD'S INTENTIONS
I believe God does not intend for Us to be blue, sad, depressed, out of sorts. I believe that God intends for Us to live an abundant life, full of grace, love, joy, music, art and faith.

For me this is key, because I am learning that when I believe I am an independent woman, disconnected from God, then discontent takes root. I notice that when the world closes in around me, I automatically feel as though I must make something happen. I must try to force an outcome that is favorable to me--having everything turning out the way that I want. Forgetting that my power, my faith, my grace securely lies with God. I must LET GO and LET GOD. Each and every time I forget this simple act of faith and love, I end up sad, blue, depressed, out of sorts.

Debbie Ford, author of "Spiritual Divorce, Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life" says "When we finally surrender our picture of how things should be, we make ourselves available for a new reality to emerge." So I am changing my mind to change my life. When the negative chatter starts in my head and in my heart, I am turning it off. When fear tries to creep in, I am now prepared to stand still...God's got my back. God has a bigger dream for my life and I want to be present in peace as it unfolds.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

TO ALL THINGS A SEASON...

I am leaving. I am not sure I will be back. I think I will. It is my goal and intention to come back. I am not sure. I need a break. I need something more than all these words suffocating me. I hurt. I ache.

I have been standing in my loneliness for so long that I can't remember what it is to not feel lonely. I have be handling it. Pressing on and holding it down for a very long time. I am without question, strong and resilient. I am nothing if not resilient. Sojourner incarnate.

My life can sometimes get the better of me...right now it is. I am surrendering to what is. I have got to sit and rest and be quiet and not talk. I am weakened. This is the hardest truth to tell. My compass is broken. I am unsure in my steps.

I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying over stupid shit, major shit, SHIT. I don't know who can hold me, who can hold me up. I am not so sure anyone can. I am not so sure of too much.

What little I know is that Love lives in me. I do not doubt the depth and wealth of love in me.

So I am closing the house (blog) for the rest of the summer and perhaps the crispness of the coming Fall will stir me, move me, inspire me. And I may return with new vigor and a light heart, open and welcoming once again.

I turn my attention inward to my heart and soul. To listen for the divine. To fill my mind with healing words. To pray, contemplate, and discern what to do next.

To everything
There is a season
And a time for every purpose,
under heaven
Ecclesiastes

Monday, August 18, 2008

I GOT THE BOOT: KICK-ASS BLOGGER AWARD!


Kick Ass Blogger Award

My friend Kelso chose me as one of his picks for the Kick-Ass Awards. Now if you don't know Kelso, you better ask somebody. He is without a doubt one of the most brilliant and well read bloggers out there. He talks shit, backs it up and slaps you hard upside the head. I love his thinking process...I mean I have proposed to this man! LOL! Yes, I love a man with a fine mind. He brings an international perspective to American politics that you just don't see...anywhere!

THANK YOU KELSO! You have made my DAY...MY WEEK!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

IN FINE COMPANY: THE BLOGHER INTERVIEW

BlogHer Contributing Editor and Sister blogger Nordette interviewed me for an article "Baby and Me Behind Bars: Number of Moms In Prison Grows" she penned for BlogHer. It is about Mothers in prison raising children. It is an amazing piece of writing and I am so way over the moon with honor that she wanted my opinion on this subject.

Take a read and comment there and here. Also if you are in the mood for some fine writing check Nordette at her blog Whose Shoes Are These Anyway?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

SHE'S 5 GOING ON 20...A REPOST

The cool thing about having a year's worth of posts is that you can go back and revisit them.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

SHE'S 5 GOING ON 20
This morning my 5 year old daughter was in the shower--she loves taking showers, anyway as I am washing her she asks if she can wash herself with her Boots scrubby--Boots is the best friend of Dora the Explorer. I let her, and she does a great job! I am so proud and so sad, because I am realizing she is growing up and learning to become quite the independent child. She gets out of the shower and wants to dry herself off. I let her and she does a great job, I am impressed.

It seems so long ago she was this tiny little baby that was placed in my arms. All my children are adopted, she was the only one that arrived as a newborn, 2 weeks old and just barely 5 lbs. This child wasn't supposed to live, as a matter of fact they--the Dept of Children and Families was expecting her to die. But she didn't. The foster home she was in was only temporary they couldn't take another child but did so for this baby. When we got the call we had to say yes immediately. I remember the day they brought her home, she was buried in a pink one piece that was 3-4 months too big. All those memories came rushing back as she is standing there in the bathroom telling me she can do things all by herself. Of course I am happy that she is becoming more and more self-sufficient, however there is a part of me that is missing that beautiful baby that so desperately needed me.

This is the joy of motherhood growing them and letting them go out into the world. Yes of course, I have time before they're off to college, but still I can only imagine how painful that will be. So today I am in awe of my beautiful 5 year pressing me for her independence. Tomorrow it will be something else, perhaps permission to ride her bike past the Jackson's house or staying up an extra 15 minutes past bedtime and I will weigh my decision carefully.

I swear motherhood is fleeting, if you blink you miss it.

Friday, August 15, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: SWIM LESSONS AS A METAPHOR FOR LIFE...A REPOST

Thought I would revisit a post from last year.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
SWIM LESSONS AS A METAPHOR FOR LIFE

Wednesday the children have swim lessons, my oldest daughter swims from 9:00am to 9:30 and the remaining 3 swim from 9:30 to 10:00am. Watching this morning I began to see how their lives are a lot like swimming. They have to trust and have faith in their instructor, but first they have to be willing to trust that faith. They have to get in the water and follow directions...on faith.

This is pretty amazing. I see the fear in their eyes as they struggle to float and kick and there's nothing I can do except sit and silently pray they learn to swim. They are learning, I see the progress. The water is becoming less and less of a threat and more and more a partner. They are happy when they do as instructed and determined to do better when they can't quite get the coordination right. I am impressed with them conquering their fears. I want them to be fearless and to never give up even if they are a bit afraid.

So as they are learning to swim...so am I. We are all learning to be brave and walk, or rather swim out on faith. And the best part is that while they are in the water, they are doing what they thought they couldn't do. That is the gift--you are already in the water...now swim! And swim we do!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: COURTING ME

I was over at Eggbeater a lovely blog by Shuna Fish Lydon. In her post Dancing With More Than One Partner she talks about being courted. You know, that days gone by custom of actually getting to know someone over a long period of time to decide if you want to spend more time with them over a longer period of time...That kind of Courting.

That post struck me right to my heart. I WANT TO BE COURTED! Yes indeed I do! An old fashioned outdated, so last millennium courtship. I know, what is a modern woman to do and how could I even frame this out as a possibility and who the hell would want to? Let alone finding a man willing to go the distance with no end or possibility of ass in site. But still, this resonates with me. A real courtship.

I would have to alert my friends, both "True Love"friends and blogsphere friends of my intentions. I would trust they they would look around and think long and hard about possible suitors...see, I am getting into this...check my language...suitors! They could look at my Love List as a guide. I would await introductions and then begin.

I imagine long telephone conversations. Handwritten letters and notes are a must! I would like a picnic in the park on a Sunday afternoon after Church. I would like to go for a walk at dusk. He would see me to my door and kiss my hand good night. I would like to get out early on Saturday morning and get to the Farmer's Market to buy hand-made jams and jellies, fruits and flowers and homemade baked treats. We would part for the day feeling like we had a good time with no expectation of anything else except best wishes for each other. I want to go dancing...slow dancing, to good music that harken back to a time when lyrics were about love and commitment and respect and being good to somebody.

I know this is so not what is done now. We are all so busy and in a hurry and no one ever has time to write a handwritten letter or note. We text and twitter and beep and page. We go to Happy Hour and Clubs in groups. I want to slow it down and change the script. I want engaging and witty conversation...not filled with sexual innuendo or provocative talk. I want authenticity and charm. Not bravado and ego and bragging. I want candlelight dinners and moonlit nights holding hands and laughing. I want chivalry and honor. I want respect. I want breathless kisses at my front door with a promise to leave it at that. No pressure for more, for tricks, for blow jobs, or anything that moves us somewhere too fast. I want to exercise restraint in all matters of my heart. I want to discover and accept and share and reveal and cultivate our feelings and our hearts desires.

I want to be courted. I want to be wooed. I want to be wanted as if I were the best woman on the planet.

Monday, August 11, 2008

THE SMALL SPACE OF GRACE

I am in the small space. Fear has not creeped in nor has doubt. I am still steps ahead. I am very conscious of my thoughts and I am deliberate in my actions. I am purposeful in speaking lovingly to everyone. I am behaving my way into happiness. I refuse to be afraid of tomorrow. I am refusing to be afraid right now. I am in the small space. The world and all her noise cannot fit in here with me. I am safe.

I find myself in constant prayer, asking GOD for guidance and stillness. Asking GOD for more light, always more light. On my knees not as a beggar, but as someone in awe of the grace I have known thus far. I am Divine. My prayers are slow and deliberate. They are without anxiety. I go to GOD as my friend, expecting the miracles. Expecting the path to be illuminated.

I am not a woman alone. I am a woman of many talents. I am intelligent, smart, charming and daring. This is my in between time, my meantime. What will I do next? What do I want to do?

I am in the small space of grace. It is where I hear my own heart beat and I am grateful to hear it and feel it. The endless lonely nights are not wasted and though I long for the comfort of a lover to lie with, I know that God's love is all encompassing and sustaining. It is the lamp upon my path, the warmth of the sun upon my face. God's grace is the love in me that connects with the world.

In the small space of grace, is where my salvation is nurtured, love is cultivated and the divinity celebrates within in me. This joy proves that I will be alright.

Resuming The 1000 Things I want to Do Before I Die:
70. Build a model dollhouse..complete with lights & furntiure.
71. Cut Off All My Hair* (cut off locs a month ago)
72. Take Ballet Class
73. Drive Across The Golden Gate Bridge* (Thanks Princess Tinybutt)
*Things I have done since I started compiling the list...SMILE.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE

I know one of my biggest lessons to learn is believing someone when they show and tell me who they are. You know when a man says he is not interested in a serious relationship, but still wants to kick it with you and you want a serious relationship. So you then believe that perhaps you are the ONE that could change his disposition. Change his mind. Change him. Or you hang out with a man you really don't like but you do because you have nothing else going on and the thought of being alone is so frightening that your own company is unacceptable.

I have decided to accept folks as they come into my life. But at the same time I also have to be more discerning and truthful in who I choose to spend my precious time with. What I hear from a Man has to also be in tuned to what I see in the Man. He can't say on thing and do another. Well he could, but then I have to be truthful and honest and courageous enough to say this is not what I want and keep it moving. To do anything else is saying I do not believe my soul mate is out there, so therefore I am going to settle for what's in my face. So therein lies the rub, knowing in my heart and soul that someone is not right for ME. No matter how much I like them, they are saying with their actions I AM NOT THE ONE! So why am I trying to make myself more available to someone who has already said in action and deeds his feelings? Because I am not being truthful, or honest with what I know. I want what I know not to be truth and if I just hang in and keep telling myself that what I feel, and see and hear is not what I see, feel and hear then happiness will surely be mine. Somehow I will get what I want. Which is so not true.

I was on the phone the other day with a friend, we were talking relationships and encounters of all sorts. And He said women don't listen, they hear what they want to hear, so I use what they say against them, kick it a few times and then off to the next. Oh he is completely honest with them. He tells them straight out that he has no time for a serious affair. Women don't listen. I don't listen.

I heard it loud and clear and it was quite chilling. He was talking to my soul and the world shifted. I needed to hear it. I believe he has been saying it all along, I just didn't hear it because of who I am to him. How silly and foolish of me. Because really I am nothing to him.

When someone tells you who they are...believe them. This is my lesson and I have learned it.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

WANTED: A GOOD AND LOVING MOTHER... NOW!

Yesterday was exhausting. Tough. I just want to cry about every fucking thing. I am stuck in a way that I can't quite figure out. I almost feel like I don't know which way to go. It's like my internal compass is on vacation or something.

I mean I have shit to do. I have lists of to-dos and and of course there's always my when hell freezes over files. But still nothing is motivating me. None of my usual jumpstart tools are working. I am stuck. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ, which way do I go now toto? Yeah I know, follow the yellow brick road. But what do you do when the yellow brick road is well... gone?

I don't think I am whining. I do not feel like I am whining. I feel tired. Even a romantic optimist has moments when she is just t.i.r.e.d.! I feel like I have been carrying the weight of the world and the world is enormously heavy. I feel like I have been in the ring for one too many bouts.
I feel like a motherless child. That's it! I need some mothering.

I don't think you ever get too grown for mothering. Someone to take care of you, rub your shoulders, make you chicken soup and tuck you in with a great bedtime story. I need some mothering. All this time I thought it was just sex (OH YES I NEED THAT TOO) but really I need to be smothered in mother's love. I want to sit on the couch with my blankie and be held while watching my favorite movies: Auntie Mame--the Rosalind Russell Version, The Women, Sounder and Daughters of the Dust. I want to be petted. I want to be listened to, I want a shoulder to cry on and I want to hear: There, there baby, it will all be alright. I want someone else to make the decisions for a little while. I want to be sssshhed into a nap. I want to be mothered. Just for a bit. Just until I regain my super powers. I want a surprise note in the mail...not a fucking bill. I want a happiness call. I want to laugh. I want someone to be kind to me. I need some mothering.

I need some mothering right away.

Friday, August 8, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: FEAR AND RESISTANCE

"Fear and resistance arise when you don't trust that where you are going is better off than where you've been" Debbie Ford

I love this quote and I often refer to it when I feel my self stuck on stupid. When I am afraid to take another step forward or backwards...just stuck. I am not often stuck, and when I am, it is overwhelming to me. I feel trapped and all the self doubt and self-loathing talk begins and it gets louder. It is those moments I go to my knees in prayer and discernment. Not asking for strength but asking for guidance. Dear God what do I need to learn from this? What am I supposed to get? Sometimes the answer is very clear and sometimes I have to wade a bit further into the deepest part of the sea of my life. I wait and I do. The wait is staying on my knees, the doing is being still.

It is the same when folks come and go in my life. I ask the same question: Dear God what am I to learn from this relationship, this meeting, this phone conversation. And again sometimes it is clear and sometimes it is not and I have to go a bit further. I have learned that whatever I am lacking in my life whether I want it or not shows up. But it is always what is needed to give me the lesson I need to move forward toward my grandest right now.

I am moving into a phase of discernment about some key issues in front of me. I am trying to listen with a open heart and clear head. I feel pretty confident that what I want I shall have. Surrendering to the divinity is my best course of action in letting go of fear and resistance. There is nothing to do but walk out on faith. I have done it a zillion times before and I remain standing with humanity in check.

I can feel the shift in the universe on my behalf.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

SOFT IS NOT A DIRTY 4 LETTER WORD!

I feel everything! Everything is personal! My feelings get hurt very easily. I cry.

I could not imagine owning this a decade ago. I spent the greater part of my adult life steeling myself against the world and things that could hurt me. I spent the greater part of my adult life cloaked in fear. Devoid of emotion. I cared for nothing, and no one. Talk about Ice princess. I was her personified. It was all about self preservation. No one was ever going to hurt me again. No one was ever going to get close enough. My sexual experiences were passionate and lusty. But I never loved any lover. I never let anyone spend the night nor would I stay with anyone overnight. I had a standing taxi on hold all the time. I was not the girl to love...fuck yes, but not love. I just wouldn't allow it. I liked it that way. I liked the dis-connect.

A series of divine events caused me to take stock of who I was. I asked the hard questions...did I want to continue being the ice princess? and was I capable of love? Giving love and allowing love? Yes! the answer kept coming at me over and over again. A marriage and 4 kids later, a brilliant budding political career lost, a scandal, wealth, loss of wealth, divorce, new beginnings!

I am soft in all the best places. I have already proven I am strong and can endure the greatest of humiliations, pain and sadness. What I live for now is the unbridled joy of letting love in. Letting love continue to soften the the rough spots. Letting love rule. I am not hiding in fear of anything. I may falter in my steps in rushing forward to love, but quickly I am on sure footing again.

I do not apologize for my softness. Or my personal reverence for everything. If you hurt my feelings it merely says that I care so deeply for you that what you say and how you say it to me matters. It matters to my spirit and to my soul. It matters to my core.

Yes of course there are times when some of that old fear creeps in and I react contrary to what's in my heart. But I know after real discernment and prayer I can never ever go back to a life without love on all levels across the board. I am unashamedly open to love and my feelings are sacred and tender and soft.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I AM NOT PERFECT AT ALL AND I DON'T KNOW SHIT!

There is nothing about me or my life that would lead anyone to believe I know anything at all. There are days when I can't get out of my own way! There are times when I can't remember what I said moments ago.

I walk this earth in search of a peaceful existence. I believe that each encounter, every interaction with another being is divinely orchestrated. Meaning if I met you, if I know you, then it was divinely planned. I also believe that each experience whether it is a crisis or joyous celebration is designed to teach us something about how to live the best possible life right now. I do not believe in accidents. I do not believe in chance anything. I believe that all things are purposeful...designed to connect us back to our humanity...to love one another with great passion and reverence. Some of us have more profound lessons to get and to share. Some of us get it already and hold the lantern on the pathway for others. There are those who wander aimlessly looking for a pathway... looking for a kind soul for direction. We are all seekers and sharers and lovers. All wanting to find a comfortable place to rest, fellowship and love.

I have always had a strong sense of the divine. Even as a child I could feel the presence of GOD all the time. Even in some of the darkest moments...unspeakable moments I could feel the divinity pulling me. I no longer have just a push-pull relationship with GOD. I surrender as best as I can. That is my lesson, to let go and let GOD. Sometimes I forget and the push-pull thing creates drama. But when I surrender to the divinity a sense of clarity and calmness blankets my life.

It is this divinity that fuels my fearlessness. My salvation lies not in giving until I break even. But really in forgiving myself and those around me for the small and big hurts, wounds, betrayals and petty misunderstandings. I am not perfect all. But in the divinity my imperfections are perfect in the eyes of GOD. I am after all created in the image of the divine.

There is a great deal of love residing in me. I can barely contain it. I can barely keep it inside. It begs to be turned loose. I am boldly allowing the love in me to connect to the love inside others. There is nothing else for me to do but love. It is my divine calling.

So to all I meet, the love in me is connecting to the love in you!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: HAPPILY EVER NOW!

I am not like most folks who demonize fairy tales. I do not believe they are the root cause of all the bad communication issues in relationships. I do believe there is a perception problem and that most folks get it backwards when they look and think about fairy tales.

I believe fairy tales offer a hopefulness about love that seems to be fleeting minute by minute. We never hear stories about ALL FOR LOVE. But for me the biggest misconception about fairy tales is that women are waiting on Prince Charming. Someone to rescue them and treat them like princesses forever and ever and ever.

NO! For me the real story lies in the way we see ourselves and not believing that we are already princesses if you will. No, I do not mean pampered and spoiled, but regal, daring and smart. Imagine if Cinderella had high self esteem. Nothing her stepmother or stepsisters could have said or done would have broken her spirit. The Prince already saw her as beautiful before she glamoured up and went to the ball. The fairy God mother told her too...but Cindy didn't see herself as worthy...she thought if only she had the clothing...the packaging, then she would be worthy and acceptable. When the Prince showed up and saw her in her rags he knew it was her...he didn't see her in rags, all he saw was his one true love. It was never about her clothes! She just had to believe that she was already worthy, good enough regardless of what she wore. The real meaning of the story isn't about Prince Charming, but rather Cinderella understanding that the Prince loved her and saw her as she really was, regal, daring and smart. And that her real beauty had nothing to do with clothes, shoes and a carriage with six white horses. Her real beauty was her spirit, housed in a body that she thought wasn't packaged good enough.

My favorite tale is Beauty and the Beast. It is the best example I know in accepting love as it shows up. It is easy to love folks who are beautiful and well put together. Always looking like they are minutes from a Vogue photo shoot. But is takes real spirit to see beyond the physical and to look with an open heart. It is easy to allow outside forces to dictate what our choices ought to be. There is so much in the world that would narrow our perceptions of who we are and what love looks like. It is easy to sit alone night after night wondering where love is. We miss out on so much by our own design and actions. We let the world tell us who we are rather than listening to ourselves and trusting our hearts and minds.

Love does not wait on time...it waits on welcome--a course in miracles

I am taking a page from the fairy tales, I am raising my sword of honor, I am jumping on my trusty steed and off I go into the world already in love! Happily EVER NOW!

Monday, August 4, 2008

LOVE WHAT IS

I was listening to Bryon Kellie on Oprah & friends on XM radio. She was talking about loving what is. I only caught the tail end of it, but it was enough to stay with my spirit for a couple of days now. Loving what is. What does that mean? Well she was saying that you gotta love what is, not what will be. That is a very hard concept. On the front end it makes perfect sense of course. But when you examine it it requires a suspension of old habits. I am good for for going on and on with...I'll be happy if, when and so on. Although I am getting better.

I am intrigued by this because over the last few days a light flipped on for me. I was moving forward but with a different plan in place. I guess you can say I was distracted. It was a pleasurable distraction, but a distraction nonetheless.

I am thinking about love what is because it speaks to owning your thoughts, changing your thoughts to change your life. I am a student of this. It not about success or failure, it is in the doing. It is in the becoming the kind of woman I want to be.

These last weeks have shown me that I deserve all the best and that I can achieve all that is in my heart. I just have to believe it. I just have to change my mind. The negative thoughts are invasive and easily take root. There are moments when the negative thoughts win and I surrender to them. But as a student of positive thought as a way to change your life, I quickly pull up. I could not do that a few years ago. I would be deep in depression and woe...I couldn't stand myself. Today it is different, it is very different. I am feeling so powerful and so in love with myself and my surroundings that I am transitioning. You can see it, hear it, almost taste it

Love what is. That is inspiring! It doesn't mean you don't do the work. It doesn't mean you sit on the couch...yes that would be me! It means doing the work but loving what is now. Doing the work whether it's going to the gym or working on your crafts or losing weight...that would be me loving what is. It is the journey where the most joy lies. It is the first step in this moment. It is the thought that I can DO ANYTHING!

Love what is.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: WORKING MY PLANS

For the last two weekends I have been to San Francisco and Atlanta. A good time was had by me!

But now I have to turn my attention to my immediate life. The last couple of weeks have been very enlightening. I learned that I could do some things that were terrifying... 1) take the lead on my divorce proceedings...I was so empowered! 2)I have a real affinity for Atlanta. 3) I am letting go of My Crush. 4) I am launching ALL my projects with all my oars in the water.

I was due in court on Tuesday and I haven't hired an attorney yet and I was freaking out because I just couldn't go in there in ignorance. Well my "True Love Friend" J. Jetson ...a attorney got me up to speed...yep I am quick like that. I filed my case management review and the financial disclosure. I called my Ex' attorney had a brief conversation...he was very cordial. I faxed over the documents and VIOLA! I handled my shit! Now let me back up, I called my Ex last week to see what he wanted to do in the proceedings around child care/custody and I asked if he would be willing to contribute to the private school tuition. He said NO! then proceeds to tell me he is paying child support and that's it and he is not paying alimony. Now I am not asking for alimony. Never did, never was asking for alimony. But private school is expensive. So thanks to him, my fighting spirit has returned!

Atlanta does it for me in a big way. Blog Brother Fitzgerald was on the phone with me Friday, searching homes that he thought I would like...and I did. It was so good to laugh and talk about the vibe and glamour of Atlanta with someone who used to live there and could live there again. I put that desire in the universe!

If I learned nothing else over the last few years is that all I have is right now. And there is no convincing in love. So back to my Love List--100 things I want in my next lover/soul mate/spouse to remind myself that I do not have to convince anyone that I am lovely enough to want to spend time with. Either you know within the first few moments of talking to me or you don't. I am not in the convincing-anyone-I-am-lovable business. Being rejected by my Crush hurt...but not like being hit by a car kind of hurt...smile. My Crush was good in the months preceding our meeting. Talking to him everyday, several times a day was good for my well-being. It gave me an outlet for all my romantic fantasies. I think in hindsight that's what it was supposed to be. Of course we will remain acquaintances...friends even. But he is not the one for me and I clearly see it. And I don't believe I was thinking he would be. Oh, I still like him...just not more than I like my self...respectfully.

The past few weeks have stretched me. I am very happy this morning. Very happy indeed!

Friday, August 1, 2008

BWB: ATLANTA ENCHANTED PART 2










The Blogging While Brown Conference was really good and I am so glad I went.

The pre-conference and the in-between conference time was were the bulk of my fun happened! First up, hanging at Braincell, A Store for Dogs owned by the veritable Dr. Torrance Stephens. I had a great time checking all the stuff that exists for dogs...who knew! His son is as equally charming and intelligent and engaging. He has the entrepreneurial bug too! Yes the apple does not fall far from the tree!

My Blog Brother Tony OH! toured me all over Atlanta...even shared with me, where I am going to stay when I come back (smile). We dined at The Thumbs Up Diner...thanks Rich. OMG! I had catfish, scrambled eggs, potatoes, orange juice. I was in heaven! Heaven I say! I hung out at the High Museum checked out the Louvre Atlanta exhibit and the Civil Rights exhibit. WOW! It was exhausting, and delightful!

For night life, Sista GP, Mizrepresent and I all hung out at the Fox Sports Bar & Grill in Atlantic Station. Sista GP was bit concerned about Miz and I...we can throw back a few drinks...and we did. But we were all good...no worries! I met some nice Brothers who were sitting next to us hanging out on a Friday night. They were very nice and not from Atlanta but living here now with their wives and children...SMILE!
Atlanta has that affect on you..makes you want to come home to it. I actually know folks from Connecticut who have moved there. Now I understand.
Atlanta is indeed seductive and vibrant and southern.
Could I live there...YES! Will I move there...YES! YES! YES! All my "True Love Friends" have long since believed I should live in Atlanta...long before I even considered it. I mean I am a Yankee. But I think perhaps I am more southern than even I realized. My "True Love Friends" always thought I was more southern than Yankee...I just thought I was charming. I am charming...but that's rooted in being southern...LOL! Who knew!

I miss Atlanta. I miss Atlanta in a very startling and profound way.
Ok here are more photos! OOPs I lost my photos with Tony OH and BrainCell. I will find and post...aaargh!