Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: HOLDING THE MIRROR UP TO MY OWN SOUL

There is someone I like very much...Mr. Crush. He, like me, is coming out of a relationship that ended. He, like me, has children. I suggested that perhaps he is obsessed with his Ex. He graciously indulged me and my observations. I did not harp on it, but I did mention it enough that finally he said, "I never mention how much you talk about your EX and your divorce" Touche! He was right. It never occurred to me that he could easily make the same observations about me. So what this tells me is that my own insecurities has gotten the better of me. Not that I am a jealous woman...I am not. But there is a neediness to me that I had never seen before. Or at least never allowed myself to see before. I gave this a great deal of thought and discernment. What was I hoping to gain by saying he was obsessed? What was I really saying to him and to me? This is the hard stuff, self analysis and calling myself out when I am wrong. But I am not going to beat myself up, I am going to acknowledge this new layer to myself and peel it away! So Mr. Crush, I apologize. You are not obsessed. You are kind and considerate and I like your swagger!

So, here I am learning something new about myself. Something that I could find easily in others but not when I look in the mirror. This revelation is illuminating. I suspect that my insecurities is very much fear in drag. I for, one, am glad that I got to peel this layer and to look at it. This is part of the journey...becoming the Grown Woman I am destined to be.

Monday, April 28, 2008

THE VIEW FROM HERE IS LOVELY...

For every few steps I take forward, I fall back a few too. I am better in my heart and mind today than say 6 months ago, leaps and bounds better than last year. There are moments, I mean long moments of sheer terror, isolation, loneliness and utter disbelief in and about my life. Sometimes I am gripped with fear. Deep, crippling, smothering fear. I find myself questioning as I climb the mountain. I stand on the side of the mountain and look back and freak out at how high up I am and I feel the need to sit in self doubt. Self-doubt is very comforting. It whispers you can't, you won't, you shouldn't, you wouldn't. And soon I find myself joining in the chorus. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't! And before I know it, it's a full Broadway production of How to hide my light and not step fully into my own grown womanhood. Fortunately, I've not had too many of those moments lately. I am very conscience of choosing to live in love. When I feel self-doubt whispering, I can joyfully sing back, LOVE TO THE WORLD!

I am learning that fear is the opposite of love. And that alone reins me in. I remind myself that I am DOING! Doing the impossible on a great many days. Standing on the side of the mountain looking down and seeing how high I am is amazing! I climbed it on my own steam in God's care. What do I need to be afraid of? And that is the question that brings me into the present and snaps me out of all the pain and frustration and fear. What do I have to be afraid of? Absolutely nothing.

So as I am thinking about where I am today and remembering where I was. I did not fall from grace. I fell into God's care. This is finally very comforting to me. It is the beginning of forgiveness and redemption that I am supposed to get to but was so resistant to because I felt so unworthy. But I am worthy. The power of love is restorative and sustaining and healing. I feel it. I am living it.

Up the mountain I happily climb...the view from here is lovely!


May 2nd is my birthday
you are lovingly invited to celebrate with me
with a poem, prose or love missive.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHALIL!




Today Khalil turned 7! He is so excited. He got up singing Happy Birthday to himself. I am making his favorite dinner, collard greens, 0ven-fried chicken, rice and peas. Our tradition for the children is to let them bake their own birthday cake with proper supervision of course. This year Khalil wants a red cake with red frosting--I think it has a lot to do with Power Rangers. Last year it was a blue cake with blue frosting...the Blues Clues phase. I have said no to black cake and black frosting unless of course it's Halloween and even then I am not so sure. Anyway they love this tradition. We did store bought cakes last year, because I had a lot going on and couldn't focus. They all let me know they did not like that and have reminded me everyday since that they wanted to go back to making their cakes! OK fine with me I love traditions!
My son is beautiful. He is resilient, smart, kind, funny and BEAUTIFUL!




Thursday, April 24, 2008

WHAT'S ON MY NIGHTSTAND...

I am a reader. I have been since I was 3 years old. I was reading Tolstoy when I was 9 and Message to a Black Man when I was 11. My Dad had tons of books around and he read a lot. Yep there are good memories about my Dad and I can remember. Anyway, because of this blogging world, I have found writers who have moved me to new heights of passion and intellectualism. Yep, I am smarter, or better still much more well-read and more passionate because of the writers I have found in Blog land. So here is what I am enjoying and I hope you grab a copy for yourself! I will periodically share what's on my nightstand.

Butter Brown
Short Stories
Torrance Stephens, PhD.

Hhmm don't let the cover fool you, she may be Butter Brown, but she ain't the Butter Brown. From the moment I opened the book and got into my first story I was hooked. Dr. Stephens has a way with drawing you in that makes you feel like you are a part of the landscape. That you are almost there. He writes with a real passion that seems to wrap around you and holds you close.

As a New Englander who attended college in the South, I really didn't know the South. Not the south of Torrance Stephens experience. His use of language unique to Memphis, Tennessee is mesmerizing and engaging. I found myself wanting to know more about the circle of friends he writes about and where are they now? I am not sure it's possible to have favorites, but I do have a few that spoke to me. I loved the short story Melinda. He writes so beautifully about a tryst between a man and a photographer, is it him? perhaps. But what I like is the way in which he approached the intimacy. It could have easily been nasty and gratuitous but it was lovingly done with care and you come away with the sense that Dr. Stephens knows something about women and their needs, but more importantly his own needs come through. My other favorite short story was the last one, for which the book is named..Butter Brown. The setting in Dakar, Africa is heady and sensual and colorful. You can almost hear him walking through the village with all it's exotic sounds and people. You can feel his love for Africa, his love for Sabrina Avery...Butter Brown. I loved this collection of short stories very much and I think Torrance Stephens is a very prolific and sensual writer.

Torrance aka All-Mi-T has a blog too, so if you want to get a flavor for his writing style and his take on current and world events check him at Raw Dawg Buffalo

May 2nd is My Birthday
Calling all poets to celebrate with me
with poetry, prose and love missives

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! MY FIRST POEM IN CELEBRATION.

My Beautiful Sister Blogger Mizrepresent penned the FIRST birthday poem! It is FABULOUS! Love in Transition at her poetry blog WILDFLOWERII. She left me a post at my What I Want For My Birthday post letting me know that yes, she was early with her gift. For me it was right ON TIME!

She has no idea how this poem has lifted me up at 2:30 in the morning. Yesterday was a bit daunting for me. I went to bed with a whole lot of challenges on my mind. And once again God has illuminated my path...with her poem. Thank you! Mizrepresent your poem is exactly the message I needed to hear today.

My Birthday is Friday, May 2nd.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: I DID NOT ALWAYS BELIEVE IN LOVE

I thought seriously about suicide twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager the knowledge of my abuse at the hands of my father was too much to bear. The second time I was in my early twenties. Shortly after graduating college. It should have been an amazing time. The first time anyone graduated college in my family (my mother was accepted into Wake Forrest but my Grandparents forbade her to attend--so she married a child molesting psychopath instead). I was overwhelmed and deathly afraid of the world. Yes, I did all the right things. I had a great job, I found a fab apartment. I had all the right sort of friends and I was involved with a man of merit and praise. But internally I was hollow...empty. I could not get over the sense of hopelessness. I felt unworthy and unloved. I tried desperately to be someone Else's ideal. I dated professional athletes...football players and basketball players. I tried being eye candy..just another pretty face in the crowd. And for awhile it worked. I was invisible. I dumbed down, I never let it be be known that I was smart, really smart. But after awhile the real me started to emerge and once that happens you no longer remain "eye candy" Good riddance! Once you step into your "real self"you can no longer stand in the back light.

I am amazed at what I was willing to tolerate in the name of so-called love...what I was willing to endure for what I thought was love. (sigh). Even in my marriage I was willing to accept shit that in hindsight would make me say "HELL TO THE NO!"

I did not come to love, fully understanding the meaning. It would be years before I grasped a real definition. One that made sense and allowed for growth and independence.

Oh I truly get it NOW. And I like it very much. I am done with begging for affection. I am done with begging period. I am fine just as I am. More than fine..supreme!!!!!

I LOVE being a woman in her right mind, with her own money and resources. A great sense of humor, a million dollar smile and jokes! My love belief is so strong that it carries me and nurtures me. It is God's greatest gift and I recognize it. Every day I get to choose love and I happily do! I BELIEVE IN LOVE!

Monday, April 21, 2008

WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY...

I make a big deal out of my birthday! I love Christmas, Valentine's Day and my BIRTHDAY! When I turned 30 I had a kid's birthday party. I invited all my favorite 5,6,7 year old kids from my neighborhood and my nieces and nephews. I had balloons, corny party favors, paper crowns, silly kid games and lots of cake and ice cream (soy for me). Each kid got a gift bag with my favorite kid book. It was the best!

When I ran for public office I announced on my birthday and had a fundraiser "old school" party. I raised quite a bit for the campaign!

One year my friends from all over the world sent me specially made chocolate cake. I had a month's worth of chocolate cake!. Now I am not proposing that again...YIKES!

The emails and telephone calls have started: what do you want this year? What is the theme? Hhmmm I want, I want, I want...

This year I want poetry, prose, any collection of words dedicated to me! I want all my friends including my beautiful blog friends to pen a poem, some prose, a missive, anything at all! That's it. It is my goal to post them all during the month of MAY! They can be anonymous if folks are feeling skiddish.

So all my blog Friends who are amazing at wordsmithing (see blog roll) I am calling you out on my behalf! My birthday countdown clock is up so you have lots of time. Lots of time! Of course I will remind you all over the next week. (smile)

I will bind them and put them into a book and that will be my theme this year: My own book of poetry, prose and love missives!

NO ONE IS EXEMPT! NO ONE IS EXEMPT!

Friday, April 18, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: MALICE BE GONE!

I am struggling with how to be in the presence of my ex-husband. Ever since he had me served a few days ago in the manner in which he did has me still a bit shaken. He had the choice to have me served a different way. And he chose the very public and very mean-spirited way. This was a very clear and deliberate message to me. One that I would not have chosen for him. So to know that a person so wants to hurt you, who used to profess undying love for you, hurts. So now I am trying to be still and not have this anger rise to the top.

I have run through my paces about this. I am not in love with him, I am not interested in reconciliation. I think the underlying issues for me is the sense that he no longer deems me worthy. That I am no longer good enough. That I am perhaps more of a burden than asset. When he is in my presence he acts as though nothing has changed, he is actually super-friendly as if to show he is happier now. Perhaps he is. Actually I am too...contemplating all my own steps on my own terms is such a turn on...but I digress.

For me in my heart is the notion that this has not phased him. As I said in previous posts, he left the marriage a year before he left the marriage, so he had time to process and make peace. I on the other hand, had more pressing issues in front of me and did not have the luxury. It will be a year soon that he left. A year.

What I was doing before being served was meeting him with the same upbeat enthusiasm, smiling face, even toned voice, access to the children without hassles...in most cases bending over backwards to facilitate, accommodate his needs. The last two days I could barely muster up the strength to talk to him. Yesterday when he dropped off the kids, I never looked at him once. I was polite, but I treated him like he was invisible. I am walking a fine line because my kids are like hawks and they watch me closely.

So this is what I will do. Go back to my upbeat enthusiastic self. Malice be gone! Smile, be jovial. Act and be as my life is amazing. Let go of my perceptions of why I think he thinks the way he does about me. Fuck it if he does think I am not worthy. He is not worthy of ME! Ha! Undoing 12 years of a faithful marriage will take a bit more doing, and I am just the Warrior Queen to do it. Am doing it! He will always have unlimited access to our children. I have never played those stupid games and never will, as a matter of fact I had to call him out about being better about seeing them.

I know I am worthy. I know I am amazing. It is so easy to let the old tapes run in my head, but the cool thing is, I catch myself and shut it down. I am not undoing all this healing work because of him or anybody else who thinks they have that kind of power. So Hello Ex, have a nice life, I know I am!

My heart is mending. And I am becoming lovelier by the minute!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING & DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE!

These are two of my favorite songs. Bob Marley, Three Little Birds from my favorite album, Legend and Barbra Streisand, Don't Rain On My Parade from one of my all-time favorite movie's Funny Girl.






Wednesday, April 16, 2008

SERVED OR HOW TO TAKE A WALK IN THE PARK...

I knew my ex-husband was up to something. I could feel it since last Thursday. I knew something was coming. I said to my Sister-friend JB, I bet you "EX" is meeting with a lawyer to file because he is so angry with me. Then I just laughed it off. I laughed it off because I was holding onto the agreement my Ex and I had about how we were going to conduct ourselves and handle this dissolution of this marriage.

A very nice Marshall was waiting to serve me divorce papers yesterday afternoon as I arrived home with my children. He was nice enough to present his card to me and asked me to step aside to talk as to not upset my children. I was stunned. I was stunned. I was stunned. STUNNED!

OK I am bypassing all the events of the evening. The comforting and empowering talks from my blood SisterLo and Sister-friend JB. The supportive ear of My Crush--it takes great patience to let a woman rant and vent in a shrill high-pitched voice, and the kind posts and conversation with Xavier--who by the way is well worth his weight in M&M's. They all let me vent, cry, scream. And of course consume lots of wine and beer.

Going forward this is what I know:

  • My Ex did me a favor by leaving US.
  • He did me a favor by filing divorce papers.
  • He did me a favor by consistently showing me he is not the Man for me.
  • He did me a favor by reminding Me of how petty, small and narrow he is.
  • He did me a favor by providing me a solid example of what FEAR looks like.
  • He did me a favor by forcing me to accept that I am an amazing woman.

There is nothing for me to fear. I have gone through so much without his care, concern, love. This is the Universe clearing space for me to arrange my life in a way that prepares me for what I want. There is nothing for me to fear. Not losing my house---I can get another one, this is my 3rd. Losing health benefits, I am a business owner I can work that out too. My two biggest fears are not so big when I shine the light of truth and love on them.

MY EX DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO BREAK ME! AND I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF HIM!

So what has changed since yesterday? I am more sure of my self and my ability to stand in love and allow that to continue to guide and direct me. I am not going to let Him or anybody else dim my light, question my love, or bring fear and self loathing to my home, heart and bed.

I got this. I am reminded of all that I have survived in my big life and quite frankly, this is a walk in the park on a sunny day!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOOD SISTER LO!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY:YES! I AM HIGHLY INTUITIVE

I am highly intuitive. To some folks that may read psychic. I do not think or call myself psychic. I cannot predict when things will happen. I cannot guess lottery numbers. I do know when the phone is about to ring and I do know when folks are thinking about me. And a few other things.

I was always freakishly intuitive. But I have learned over the years to adjust my vibrations. I have learned to deal with what people say rather than their truths underneath what they say. Meaning, people will say one thing but really want or think another. I happen to know that about a person, what their real feelings are. I can feel it. Yep this can be unsettling to them and to me too for that matter. I connect to people I have an affinity for. But I have learned/trained myself to deal with what anyone tells me at face value rather than what I feel from them. And it doesn't matter the mode of communication. I can feel through the Internet, letters, telephones and person to person.

Lately this notion of people not seeking truth, joy and love is sad to me. Because I am learning that the opposite of love is fear. It is fear that keeps people from their truths. I am guilty of it too. Fear grips me and I am learning to recognize it and put it back in its place. I am becoming fearless and in that I am becoming more loving or should I say love-ful!

What is it that makes us so afraid to share our best with someone. Nobody wants to be the first to say I love you. No one wants the other to know that they deeply care for them because they fear rejection and a broken heart. No one wants to be made a fool of. And I also think that people don't trust their own intuition. Intuition has gotten a bad rap over the years. People tend to think it means touchy feel-ly. That it's not rooted in anything concrete. I beg to differ. It is that inner voice that can guide and direct Us. It is the voice of God and angels always whispering. Many have learned to fear their intuitive selves. Because it makes you vulnerable. "What if I make a mistake" Well I say mistakes are lessons.

We are not born with all the answers. We are born with a spirit that seeks love. Many think being vulnerable puts you at a disadvantage not only in love affairs but in any affair. So we all suit up in armour to protect our hearts from attacks. And we think we are really living and being smart and cautious, when in fact we are wasting time. Wasting time.

So I am welcoming my intuitive self. I am feeling all that I can about everyone that walks into my grand life. And all who come in will be loved. All who come in will be loved.

Monday, April 14, 2008

MOMMY MAGIC

Sometimes I do not answer them right off when they call me. I let them call me several times. I love hearing them call Mommy! Mommy I/we need you! I never tire of it. It is like God is talking directly to me. I love when they are outside and I am inside and I can hear them talking, it always comes back to Mommy said, or I am going to ask Mommy, or I am telling Mommy! it cracks me up, how I am their all-knowing, all-problem solving Mother.

Being their mother is my greatest joy. Everyday I am freaked out that I am their mother. I think about this everyday. How did I get these divine children? Me. I am always thinking about how I want them to be in the world. How can I aid in their development as decent, caring, honorable people? Raising them is so critically important to me. I am deliberate in my coordination of activities and friendships. I happily place myself between them and the world. I am the filter until they are able to discern for themselves the goings and comings of the world and the people in it.

They each have an arrival story they love to hear over and over. Margeaux's story--knock knock, Hello Mrs. here is your baby. She was wrapped in this huge pink and white crocheted blanket, the social worker handed her to me and out the door she went. I was left holding this tiny 5lbs baby who was wiggly and beautiful. Briana's story-was the first time she called me Mom. She was 3 years old and it was the first week of school. Briana is a very quiet child. Every morning was a mad dash out the door to get her to school and myself to work. The first two days I drove all the way to work with her in the back seat. I pulled into my office parking space and I go to get out and I scream OMG! what are you doing here! she looked at me with a blank stare as if to say...and you are my Mother? On the third day I was about to miss the turn to the school and she said in a firm but tiny voice Mom don't miss the turn. My heart soared and I knew right then I was her Mother. I cried all the way to work! Khalil arrived with no language skills..none! He sounded like Nell and Pooty Tang rolled into one. We found him a speech therapist, I worked with him night and day and today he can talk anyone under the table. He loves when I tell him he is the cutest kid in the world! Gregory was the last to arrive and the oldest. He was adorable but with a whole lot of issues. He loves when I tell his story about how he came and his tooth was loose and I pulled it. The social worker said he wouldn't let his foster parents near it it. I said open wide, and I pulled it out. He was amazed! He still thinks I have some magical power! I do...I love him!

I don't know why I have 4 children. I just know that I am so happy I do. I cannot imagine my life without them. They make me a better woman everyday. I may never get a date ever again. But I do know that I will always have their love! They certainly have my heart for all eternity.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

STILL IN BED AND BORED TO DEATH!

I am still confined to my bed. All my interactions with the world are through my telephones. I sneak downstairs to get on the computer once or twice a day. I think I need to have a better attitude about this. I was thinking about this around 3:00 am while I was wide awake with a gazillion things racing through my mind. Perhaps being sick is what I need to pay attention to my health--be more careful of what I eat and where I eat. Maybe it's my body's way of saying slow your ass down and chill out so that I can make good choices about what I eat. Now I do not feel like I do a lot, but maybe that's just a warped sense of perception. Perhaps being sick is telling me to build in some private time to reconnect to myself. Not just trying to stay up later after I do all the chores and think that is winding down time. I have to re-think this. Hhmm what does it mean to build in time for myself? And can I do it and not let anything else fall by the wayside. Or maybe some things ought to fall by the wayside. OK now I have something new to discern while I lay in my giant fluffy girlie-girl bed! I will say my children have been very helpful and concerned and caring, but If one more child brings me another cup of water I swear I will die! (smile)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

ON MY BACK...AGAIN AAARGGH!

I went to the Doctor yesterday, because I was having problems breathing. I was constantly out of breath and coughing. Well, I have a lung infection, which triggered my asthma. Now I have not had a bout with asthma in YEARS! So I have a ton of prescriptions, mandatory bed rest for a few days---which is so unlikely with 4 kids! I am up now because some of the meds have worn off and I need to take some more. My ribs are sore, my head hurts and I just want to whine. And YES Tony OH I need a hug!--see yesterday's posts.

This all stems from that freakish milk protein allergy. So back to bed I go for the rest of the day. I will get the kids to school, my Brother Bob-O will get them to music this afternoon and their Dad will feed them dinner and help with their homework.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: I REMAIN IN LOVE

Yesterday started out as a fabulous day. I posted my gratitude. I was on my own personal high. By late afternoon it became increasingly difficult to stay in my joy. My daughter Briana and my son Gregory got sick in school. My ex-husband was trying to start some nonsense with me. And I began to not feel well. I have a Doctor's appointment this morning. I am having trouble breathing and I have this relentless cough. Anyway, I pressed on through my day yesterday determined to stay in joy, peace and love. AArrggh! Even my Crush was having a bad day and was bit cross with me..OK annoyed with me about not being totally in agreement with his perspective. (sigh)

But here's what I know: All those things are external. And really do not have to pull me out of sorts. Nothing can take me out of my joy, peace and love unless I let it. Caring about what happens to the world and all the folks I care about in it will be challenging on some days. How I choose to live is all about where I want to be in my spirit. I can care, and love and be a force of goodwill even in the face of the most challenging times. I choose to be happy.

So today is a new day and I am starting it like I do everyday...Happy and in love and hoping that the day will meet me with the same, but if not, I remain happy, calm and in love.

Monday, April 7, 2008

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

I am feeling so doggone good these days that I have to take a moment to share my gratitude. Now I still have shit to deal with, and I am doing my very best to make a positive space for my ex-husband's shit. But for the most part I am feeling good and strong and confident and calm.
  1. My kids are healthy and doing very well in school and in music, soccer and basketball and church.
  2. My Brother Bob-O is getting married to Miss D and they are planning a wedding and I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! All I need is a Hot dress and high heels and I am done!
  3. My SisterLO is amazing. She has a few stresses but is keeping things in perspective.
  4. My Best Friend Ron is well.
  5. My Best Girlfriend and personal Attorney Jane Jetson is back from Nicaragua with her lovely Husband.
  6. I am still in my house.
  7. ALL my bills are PAID!
  8. I have MONEY IN THE BANK! I mean a good amount--a good amount is relative ain't it--I mean what I think is a good amount might be beans to someone else--but for me it's all good!
  9. My Sister-Friend JB is happy.
  10. I am working! I have clients! Under Lovebabz, LLC.
  11. In the next few weeks Lovebabz LLC will finally launch! I have started this LLC a couple of years and ago. I own the domain name, The LLC has it's own bank account and line of credit, website. etc. But I never did anything with it. SO, let the branding BEGIN!
  12. I am taking care of myself. Working on my make-over.
  13. I am hopeful and prayerful all day long.
  14. I have made new friends through blogging!
  15. I am discerning what I would like to do for my birthday! I am grateful that today I can look forward to a birthday! Whether I live to see it or not. I am happy to celebrate the planing of my day!
  16. I am beginning to understand and accept that all that has happened to me in this big life has been in preparation for the sweetest of joys and love and a grander life I could never have imagined for myself. I feel it. I am grateful for the feeling of hope and happiness and love.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

APRIL IS NATIONAL POETRY MONTH: My Own Poem

I am inspired by the Prisoner's Wife--go roun' and show her some LOVE!
And Stephen Bess, who is committed to writing a poem every day for the month of April...his poetry is hauntingly beautiful.


I wrote this for my Sister Lo who when my now Brother-in-law "T" wanted to propose he called me to say Lo was being funky about getting a engagement ring. He wanted her to have one, she thought it was ridiculous and wanted just a band on their wedding day. At that time my Mother was still alive and she was pleading with my Sister to just accept T's ring and stop being...difficult. My Sister and I are very headstrong---I did not have an engagement ring either. Anyway My Mother ordered me...yes ordered me to deal with my Sister. So I wrote a poem, put it on lovely paper and FedEx it to her. She accepted his ring. My Mother was happy and I too eventually bought myself an engagement ring. (note: I was already married at the time--but decided if my Sister would wear a engagement I would too in solidarity! Yep, I love my Sister)

For Lo & "T"
August 13, 1996

the directions may not always be clear
so you make plans
and plans and plans

you tell the world I was made to love him
I was made to love her

nothing is ever sure or 100%
the safety is knowing that there is love
strong, passionate and
enduring

there is no such thing as always eye to eye
even miss piggy and kermit have their
moments of sheer bliss
and chaos

you know every time you walk through the front door,
every time
you are not at your best
that this is work and commitment and
joy

go for the gold

go on get married!

Friday, April 4, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I WAS ROBBED, I WAS RESTORED: APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENSS MONTH

In support of my Blog Brother, Xavier Pierre, Jr who blogs over at Lovers Anonymous I am once again raising my voice to the Cause.

I was Robbed:

The after effects of sexual assault is more than the physical abuse you can see and analyze for evidence. It is the mental toll that it takes on your mind, spirit, heart and soul. I spent a lot of time walking the world wounded. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I was angry and I was arrogant. I slept with men I didn't care about. The ones who cared about me I treated like shit. The ones I cared about and did not return the feelings I obsessed over. I was fucked-up in my spirit. I could have sex, but I could not be intimate. I could not be loving. I could not be soft or gentle and I was not really present during sex acts. Blow jobs were totally out of the question for a very long time. I could do a lot of tricks and fake my through to get some man to climax and send him on his way. After a series of life-changing events and experiences I decided to give it up. I swore off men...detoxed if you will. Within a few weeks I met the man who became my husband.

I was Restored:

My ex-husband and I have a really charming love story which I will save for some other time. But meeting him and being with him restored me. It allowed a space for me to change my life. To experience the world differently. In the early days of our our marriage He provided me with a safe place to explore my feelings and to do the work of peeling away the layers. He was patient and kind and very loving. With him I learned about intimacy and being present during love-making. I began to enjoy it in ways I never thought I could. I was finally in a safe place. I think his role in my life is fulfilled I think he was supposed to be there in that time of my life to bear witness and support my transitioning life. He absolutely reflected where my head and heart were at that time.

Sexual Assault robs you of the ability to trust. love, feel, all the things that we need as human beings. It strips you of your humanity and reduces you to nothing. So many walk the world as wounded as I did. I tried very hard to drink away the pain. I tried hard to have as much sex as possible to show that I was not going to be afraid of sex. But the reality was, I was very afraid of sex and had no idea what I was doing and how I was not healing, but hurting. For ten years I stopped drinking. I worked with a therapist for about 1 year. I bought the book the Courage to Heal, Women Who Love Too Much ( this goes back almost 20 years--there are many other books available now) I did my time at Rape Crisis. I facilitated a support group for women who were raped as children .

So today I am far away from that part of my life. It is not forgotten and it never will be. I decided that how you see the world is how you experience the world and all you have to do is change your mind and your life changes. If you believe the world is a nasty, dirty place, then that will be your experience, time and time again. But if you see the world as a place of beauty and joy then that will be your experience, time and time again.

I absolutely refuse to allow my father to further rob me of a grand life filled with love and joy and sex. He no longer has power over me. So choosing a life of love is simply making the decision to live a certain way. It is working. In spite of all the twists and turns in this big life of mine. I believe in love and grace and love.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In Connecticut every 41 minutes a child is being abused. Last year there were over 9,000 children abused. I have adopted 4 that were abused..not sexually and I swear being their mother and knowing full well that on most days I am not worthy is an act of God.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

APRIL IS NATIONAL POETRY MONTH & COUNTDOWN TO MY BIRTHDAY!

My Blog Sister, The Prisoner's Wife is celebrating National Poetry Month. She is a very very talented writer and will be posting her beautifully written pieces. I LOVE Poetry! It has saved my life over and over again! So in support of The Prisoner's Wife and National Poetry Month. I am posting one of my favorite poems! Hop over to The Prisoner's Wife and post your favorite poem and of course leave one here!

On another note, My birthday is May 2. If you thought I was a fool about Valentine's Day, wait until I celebrate my birthday! God willing I will be the big 45!

Invitation To Love
Paul Lawrence Dunbar

Come when the nights are bright stars
Or come when the moon is mellow;
Come when the sun his golden bars
Drops on the hay-field yellow.
Come in the twilight soft and gray,
Come in the night or come in the day,
And you are welcome, welcome.

You are sweet, O Love, dear Love,
You are soft as the nesting dove.
Come to my heart and bring it rest
As the bird flies home to its welcome nest.

Come when my heart is full of grief
Or when my heart is merry;
Come with the falling of the leaf
Or with the redd'ning cherry.
Come when the year's first blossom blows,
Come when the summer gleams and glows,
Come with the winter's drifting snows,
And you are welcome, welcome.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY:NO MEANS NO! APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH

My Blog Brother Xavier Pierre, Jr. bka Alize is doing his best to raise the awareness of sexual abuse. He and I are survivors of sexual abuse. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

Long before my sexual abuse was revealed to the press through my federal sentencing, I worked for Rape Crisis Services out of our local YWCA (now Sexual Assault Crisis Services). I was the Assistant Director for Direct Services. I trained and staffed the 24 hour hotline as well as provide support and advocacy--meaning I went to the hospital with women who were raped to have a rape kit done--yes they called it a rape kit for evidence. I have gone to court to support women who were testifying against their attackers and I would coordinate support groups for family and significant others. I started at Rape Crisis as a volunteer. My Sister Lo was actually working there part-time doing peer-to-peer training.

During my time there I divulged for the first time in my life the abuse that I endured as a child. My father raped me and then decided to sell me to people for money. This went on for about 2 years before it came out. In those days there was no family services to intervene, the police weren't called and no one thought it necessary to send me to a therapist. I was however taken to a Doctor who told my Mother that I was so damaged that it was unlikely that I would ever birth children--in those days Doctors did not intervene in child abuse cases, even if they suspected they did not report it---thank God for all the recent legislation regarding mandatory reporting. My family thought it best to never speak of it again. We went on as if nothing happened. Needless to say that this fucked me up pretty good and damned near cost me my life. I was so angry and so wounded and confused, that I drank heavily and I was promiscuous and I trusted no one and I wanted to die. My teen years were tough and My mother tried everything even threatening Boarding school. It wasn't until I was a grown woman that I began to deal with this. There is a whole series of events that propelled me to self development and reflection. I will say that it was my great intention to not have that time in my life haunt me for the rest of my life. I decided that I wanted a happy life and I wanted love in my life. I have that and the road was long and hard and I do not regret the high price I had to pay to stand in this space with love all around me. I am a mother and I was a loving wife, by design. And I am still in awe of the power of love to heal and to overcome. My Blogging Brother Xavier Pierre, Jr. says he is not a survivor but an OVERCOMER. I love that! I too am a OVERCOMER!