Thursday, January 31, 2008

WHO TAKES CARE OF MOM WHEN MOM IS GOING DOWN FOR THE COUNT...AARGH!

I have this weird allergy. I am deathly allergic to milk proteins which includes cheese, butter, casein, caseinate and any and everything that has a trace of milk proteins. This weird allergy when it is triggered is quite debilatating. Rendering me almost ineffective as a human being. What does that mean, it means that I am so fucking sick I can barely move. The allergy symptoms mimic the flu, or pneumonia or bronchitas. So you can't treat it like those things. Then if that isn't enough, my veins contract and it HURTS like hell! There is not much I can do except ride it out with lots of long-named prescribed medication. I am usually very careful, but every so often something slips through. And I pay dearly. I just popped some more pills and I am going to lay down at 4:00 in the afternoon. The children are all practicing their piano lessons; I don't have to think about dinner for another two hours or so. Then I will drag my ass downstairs and wave a magic wand and POOF! DINNER, wholesome and nutricious. OK , it will probably be a big can of Beeforoni---I know, I know, I know, but what can I do. I can barely stand up. Otherwise they will have cereal.

I am going to be up and running by Saturday...I SWEAR IT! JB and I are going to see Anna Deavere Smith in her world premiere play "Let Me Down Easy" But righ now I am crawling up to my lovely bed--and it is a lovely king-sized girly-girl bed with its featherbed and heavy comforter and mountain of pillows and I will dream of a time gone by when I was WELL!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: I AM GOOD ENOUGH AND I AM SHINNING ON

When someone walks out on you, leaves you in the lurch. Your first instinct is to think you must have done something. That you caused the rift, the shift in affection. I am guilty of that. When my estranged husband announced he was leaving weeks before I was scheduled for federal sentencing, I immediately owned all the reasons for his leaving. But now that the dust is settling and I am seeing the marriage as it really was. He was never good in crisis. He was never able to handle the lows, the tough times, change. As I look back on the 12 years, I was always holding it down. It was me doing the heavy lifting. He was never good in the pocket. I woke up at 4:00am this morning with this on my mind. The truth does set you free. I was in preparation to meet my destiny becoming the woman I am supposed to, then he had no choice but to leave. What else could he do? His history with me bears this out. I am a ride or die woman. There was no obstacle insurmountable to me. So today I have one more layer to let go of: I am shedding the guilt of not being good enough. I am good enough; not just for him, or anybody else but for me. I am good enough for me and I know that this new found confidence will add to the brightness of my light.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: LOVE, SEX AND HOW TO GO ABOUT GETTING BOTH

(SIGH) So, I am admitting it. I am in the mood for love. Actually sex. But how? with whom? and when? (Sigh) If it was just me I could deal but I was over at Ndelible where she has a post: I Want Sex. Now if you aren't moved by the post, then the picture of the nude male photo is enough...and I don't care who you are or your sexual preference--that photo is HOT...but I digress. So she is lamenting what's on my mind (sigh). Then I hop over to Torrence Stephens bka All-Mi-T who's post A Penchant 4 Commitment is so moving and so beautiful that he has single handed restored my faith in Brothers who love supreme. And if none of that isn't enough Sojourner G has crafted an arsenal of love lost/love found/ love is God poetry, that so get under my skin that I can't stand it. I find them all to be, well, haunting. I hate to even mention all the time I spend over at Bloggersdelight2write all that delicious Grown Folks poetry and before I can settle in to read the latest posts I have the nerve to click on their 2 Make U Groove --all that old school music and I always start with Prince's Adore. So what's a Grown Woman to do? (SIGH)

My sister-friend JB suggests a cup of tea...short for sex toys--don't ask. Yes of course I say. Why I have a small reliable stash of toys that I ...well you know. But still...(SIGH) having a cup of tea is lovely, but it's the weight I need. The weight of someone playing moon to my stars--you know what I mean. Hey we're all Grown folks aren't we. Yes of course. When I am unusually focused on all things sex, sweat and more sex, I tip on over to Bad Bad Girl for some erotic reading--besides she has a killer blogroll. Yep, I know my freak flag is showing a bit, but I am a Grown Woman with NEEDS! DESIRES and FANTASIES! (SIGH).

Anyway, I am thinking about this and praying about this. I suspect Mr. Right-For-Me will show up sometime or another. IN the meantime, I am going to add a label here just so that I can talk about this from time to time.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

TAG, I AM IT: A MEME

So I was over at my new favorite site FabooMama This Sister has a fine political mind and tells it like she sees it. I love it and have added her to my political blogroll over at Lovebabz LoveTHINK . While visiting her site I was tagged for this MEME. This is my second MEME and I find them a great way to tell about yourself. So here goes:
4 Jobs I had:
Executive assistant to public relations guru Terrie Williams...aaargh!
I worked as an adjunct college professor
I worked for a well known polling company
I ran a volunteer meal-delivery program for a AIDS Project
4 Movies I would watch over and over again:
Sounder, Sense & Sensibility, Auntie Mame, Any James Bond Movie
4 Places I lived:
New Haven-CT, Charlotte-NC, Columbia-SC, Concord-NC
4 People who email me daily:
My Sister Lo, My Sister-Friend JB, My BFF Ron
4 Favorite things to eat:
Frosted shredded wheat w/soy milk, pasta w/yummy sauce, tofutti pizza, dairy-free chocolate
4 Places we would rather be:
Paris-France, Santa Barbara-CA, Tuscany-Italy, Macy's-Herald Square/NYC
4 Things I am looking forward to this year:
Camping with my kids all summer with my Sister-friend JB and her son, launching my new business with my Sister Lo, getting my existing business off the ground, starting my book project(s) and one more---falling in love.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: A QUESTION OF LOYALTY

Ah another epiphany. I am having them all the time now. Why? because I am opening my self up in ways that I never could imagine. My new ah-ha moment came as I was talking to my sister-friend JB. I was working hard at not letting myself get caught up in my estranged husband's drama. Earlier in the week I asked my estranged husband if he could watch the children on a specific date in a couple of weeks. He could not. He has plans. I do not ask him for much. But in those rare occasions that I do--this is what I get: "I can't. I have plans" So rather than let myself internally combust I called JB. She let me vent for a few moments and then she very clearly said: "It isn't about him not loving you, it is about him being disloyal to you." It was as if the heavens opened wide and the angels began to sing. In that moment I knew she was right. He has been disloyal to me. DISLOYAL! My soul can not abide disloyalty. Loyalty for me it is akin to "true love" So of course I had to call my Sister Lo and talk for about an hour on this. She said "JB articulated what you knew all along". Estranged husband is DISLOYAL. She prompted me to look at at his life and the course of our marriage. It is is right there as clear as the water you find on the beaches of the Dominican Republic--my favorite Island...but I digress. JB was so right. Once I accepted this, it was as if another burden was lifted from my shoulders. I am no longer wrangling about why he doesn't love me anymore. What is love without loyalty? He knows so little about family and commitment and community and long-standing friends. He never had those experiences. He never stayed with anyone or anything long enough to grow roots. He has been on a job for many years, but a work ethic is not the same as family connection. I knew this when I met him and I chose to downplay the importance of this. I believed like so many women, that My Love would see him through, that my bustling family would embrace him and take him in. They did, I did, we all did. But it was not enough. And I suspect he was suffocating in all this family. I don't really know for sure and it is not for me to analyze. I do know that the next time I get married...and there will be a next time! I will spend a great deal more time discerning my choice and what qualities are of value to me. I did not choose unwisely this time. I think I married who I was supposed to marry for that time in my life. This is a new chapter and I am becoming a different sort of woman and my desires and wishes and hopes are far greater than ever before. So this means that as I am building a new list of what I value in a mate, loyalty will be at the top.

In 2 weeks My Brother Bob-O is sitting with the children while JB and I check out Anna Deavere Smith in her new play "Let Me Down Easy".

Friday, January 18, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: DREAMS NO LONGER DEFERRED

I am finding my voice in writing. This blog has really been good for me. It has allowed me to dream of writing as a reality and not a fairy-tale. I can write. I am stepping into that fact. I am owning that I have writing ability. I am no longer going to shy away from any talent. I am not going to undersell myself on any level anymore. I can write. I can dream. I can be. So I am wearing my newfound confidence. I am not just trying it on, I am buying it and wearing it out the door. I am coming into my full woman-ness and I ain't running from it. So today I am posting one of my favorite poems:

A Dream Deferred, by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Disney Princess Enchanted Tales DVD Review...Hey, I said I would review it, now shish

What's not to like about nonstop stories about Princesses? The Disney Princess Enchanted Tales DVD was a hit! My daugther Margeaux is a 5 year old Princess-in-Training. She loved it. She watched over and over and over. She forced anyone and everyone within a 50 mile radius of our home to watch...YIKES! A DVD solely about Disney Princesses, JOY! JOY !JOY!

My only problem is that my daughter and I are African American and to date there are no Disney Princesses that look like us. Does Margeaux care...no--however she does notice from time to time and has asked me if Princesses could have dread-locs. Of course I say. But I know the reality is probably not--in the Disney Universe and therein lies the rub...letting my kid identify with princesses who don't look anything like her. Maybe I am too jaded and have seen too much in the world. I do know this DVD made my daugther happy and she imagined herself floating and lovely and lush and beautiful and she is all those things, the Disney Princesses just confirmed it and for that I loved the DVD.

So thanks.

I think little girls should have that moment in their life when all their dreams are pink and purple and the only worry is whether or not shinny sequenced shoes could be worn to church with a pink boa and of course a sparkly tiara. Hey, you're 5 only once...kick-it like a Princess I say!

Friday, January 11, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: A RETURN TO LOVE

I am reading A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson. Reading this book, the universe is opening up in ways I never imagined. I understand more about fear and love. The Course in Miracles says that love is real: "The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite." WOW! This is huge and illuminating. I am enjoying this journey. I am beginning to see things as they are. When I am feeling fear creep in, I know how to wrestle it back...at least I am learning to wrestle it back. I am finding myself worrying less and sometimes not at all. I am transforming and GOD is finally sighing: "I have been waiting for you" This is a long and glorious journey and I am walking it under my own strength, with my heart fully open. I believe I am worthy because God has said so.
Love is changeless and therefore so are you and I. Nothing that we have ever done or will ever do can mar your perfection in the eyes of God. You're deserving in His eyes because of what you are, not because of what you do. What you do or don't do is not what determines your essential value--your growth perhaps, but not your value. That is why God is totally approving, and accepting of you, exactly as you are. What's not to like? You were not created in sin; you were created in love.
Marianne Williamson.

I find this so moving and so divinely on point. I get this, it speaks to my deepest part of my soul and I know I am on the right path. Where it leads, is where I should be. My faith is swelling and God is pleased.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

BRANCHING OUT AND EXPANDING MY HORIZONS

I am a political junkie. I was elected to office twice. I have worked on campaigns on the Local, State and Federal level. I believe becoming an elected public official is the highest order of service to one's community. So I decided to launch a another blog that allows me to talk about all things political. Lovebabz LoveThink There I can purely talk about my feelings about politics generally and the 2008 Race for the White House specifically. I have also been invited to be a contributor to Afrospear A Think Tank for People of African Descent This is a cool site of folks from around the globe that have a unique spin on not only American Politics but a much broader, richer global perspective on the human condition. I hope you will check my newest blog efforts and post if you want. Lovebabz: A Life in Transition is my first love and will remain the safe place that I grow and share and transform. I will be here just the same as when I started. Politics come and go, but True love is forever.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LOVING CHILDREN EVEN WHEN THEY TRY TO MANIPULATE YOUR PAIN AND WHY I WANT THEM TO GROW INTO WHOLE HAPPY ADULTS

My children are amazing. They go along with the best attitudes. These last few months have stretched them to the roof and beyond and I know it. I am their mother and I love them, but some shit just can't be helped. Their father left us. According to him he didn't leave them he left me...he just didn't take them with him. OK whatever. As I said a few posts back he has personal development work to do...but I digress. My youngest Margeaux seems to be visibly having the toughest time. She longs for her father all the time. She misses him. I suspect they all miss him, she is just the most vocal and has not learned the fine art of hiding emotions...yet. So a few nights ago she screamed at me about not being nice to her father and arguing with him and it's my fault he doesn't want to live here anymore. I was wounded, I was stunned. I called my Sister Lo, who in her wise way said: "Of course they blame you your the parent that stayed and has to do the day to day, making them eat vegetables, enforce bedtimes, wash their clothes, take care of them. Yes, children are twisted like that" She advised me not to take that beat down from some little 5 year old. So the next night Margeaux starts in at bedtime---I stopped her cold and said: "Do you think I wanted your father to leave us?! He left us! I am here and I am taking care of you! So now we all have to deal with the changes--yes you can be sad and mad and miss him and love him and call him anytime you want. But what you are not going to do is beat me up about your father leaving us. I am not going to be yelled at or spoken to in a mean fashion. I am the mother I am in charge and you will be respectful." Well they all were a bit taken aback because lately I was giving them a lot of room to vent and to blow off steam and really let their emotions come to the surface...within reason. But at some point you have to decipher what is real and valid, otherwise kids will play you. Margeaux was sad and mad about her Father not living with us--but the outbreaks magically happen at bedtime...see my point. So as Mother/Warrior Queen/Boss of all children, I had to shut that mess down. I know there are some child psychs who will be pissed off that I didn't explore this further...Fuck that. That child was trying to manipulate me. Yes she has some issues, but we will work on them before bedtime.

Now the other part of this is much more forward thinking. I don't want my kids chasing anyone for their affection...not even their Father. I do not want to see them as adults recreating this part of their lives in adult relationships--trying to work out childhood wounds in adult relationships. So it is important for them to see me living through this transition in joy and happiness. They need to see that I got this. I can take care of them and that I am cordial to their Father and we are still on one accord as far as they are concerned. So this life in transition that is mine is also theirs and I must be ever mindful of my steps from here on out.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: CHAMPAGNE FOR NO GOOD REASON OTHER THAN...WELL I LIKE IT AND OTHER MUNDANE MUSINGS

I am in a funky mood. Not bad or sad or blue...FUNKY. You know like feeling out of sorts but not unhappy about it. So what do I do, well I open a bottle of champagne and drink. As my Sister Lo reminds me--I am one of the few people she knows that actually loves drinking champagne. She's right..I do! So back to my funky mood--hmm. I have decided that if someone asks me out on a date, that I am going! Weeks ago this revelation would have been unheard of. But then that was last year. So I am open to whatever the universe has in store. Yes, I still feel married and I am not talking about multiple sex partners or sex at all for that matter. But if some interesting man asks me out for coffee or tea or drinks, I may say yes. I am not a widow. My estranged husband left me and has been on a date(s). His dating isn't my motivation--well not solely, maybe 23% the remaining 77% reasons are because I love life and I want to laugh and flirt and have deep moody discussions about politics and Jazz and wine and God. I want to look at a man and have him look at me with mystery and intrigue. I want romance and witty repartee. So maybe my funky mood is really a itch that needs scratching---ah that would be metaphorically and not literally speaking. So it's Jazz Sunday and I am drinking champagne and listening to love songs on XM satellite radio and the kids are glued to TV and watching the clock for their bedtimes, Margeaux and Khalil 7:30pm, Gregory 8:30 and Briana 9:30--because she and I love the Amazing Race--and it's the only late night she gets on a school night...but I digress. The thing about being a fully grown woman is that I make and play by my own rules. I am the boss of me! So cheers to the funky mood and the possibility of a date.

Friday, January 4, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: RESOLUTION 2008: THE YEAR OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS

Hip HIP HOORAY! I made it through and into the New Year! And I made it through drinking mojitos and champagne...thanks to my Sister-friend JB. We decided we would party into the New Year and refused to set up shop at the lonely hearts club. I am so glad, a party was just what the Dr. ordered, complete with noise makers, confetti, hats, beads and lots of healthy and delicious foods. So here I am 4 days into the New Year and I am tackling my grand resolutions. I am trying to go vegan...it may prove a bit harder than anticipated. But here's the thing, NOTHING IS WRITTEN IN STONE. I am a grown woman with a grown woman's mind so I can go at my own speed. Whatever goals and resolutions I have set for myself...are set for myself. Failure is not in my vocabulary anymore. I will say that I haven't worried about anything...nothing...nada. My home situation is still as it was--I am still in my house. My bills are miraculously getting paid..barely, but paid all the same. My kids are all feed and somewhat healthy--this is the season of colds. My optimism is at an all time high. 2007 is in my rear-view mirror and is getting farther and farther from sight. I am looking forward to the year ahead but I am enjoying "right now" and that is my best resolution so far.